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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Photos of ex-wife

208 replies

rightroyal · 30/10/2017 20:17

DP and I have been together three years. We visit his mum fairly regularly, she's very independent with a very busy life and is not a poor lonely widow.

DP was with his ex for 20+ years but their relationship broke down about 5 years ago.

Here's the AIBU. His mum has two very large photos of DP and his ex on the walls plus a selection of their wedding photos. One in the dining room I look at whilst enjoying a meal at her house.

AIBU to be pissed off by these pictures? Her house her rules I get it, but FFS!

OP posts:
Myheartbelongsto · 31/10/2017 09:59

I've been in this position but it was the granny who had pics up.

Yabu. Its her house and she can do what she likes.

I wouldn't be asking my dh to speak to his mum either.

NameChangeFamousFolk · 31/10/2017 10:19

Quite the most insane comments i've ever read on Mumsnet! Very entertaining though

Posters commented in good faith on this point.

Since you asked the question and invited comments, it seems rather inappropriate to sneer and call their attempts at offering an opinion clearly different to yours as 'insane.'

Lethaldrizzle · 31/10/2017 10:36

How about a bit of minor defacement. Draw on \stick on moustache?

Branleuse · 31/10/2017 10:38

I hope to god my ex MIL doesnt have pictures of me up in her house, that would be really insensitive to my exes wife.

i think my dp asked his nana to take down the pictures of him and his ex once we started seeing each other seriously

QueenLetizia · 31/10/2017 10:43

I'd do nothing. It's her wall. I can see why it makes you roll your eyes but I'd never want to suggest to somebody what they hang or take off their wall. Who cares?

I'm very nosy though. Any man I've dated I've been kind of intrigued to see what their xw looked like, if it seemed like an obvious pairing, did she look to good for him :-p was the writing on the wall.............. I am very nosy. Nosier than I am sensitive.

PandorasXbox · 31/10/2017 10:45

I can understand why this would upset you. Hopefully it’s nothing more than that she’s just not registered that you wouldn’t want to see the ex’s photo.

Ask DP to talk to her.

Temporary2002 · 31/10/2017 10:54

You and your dp could get some professional photos done and get one framed for her to hang up? Maybe a family group one too?

sukitea · 31/10/2017 11:38

For those suggesting that the OP should take along her own picture and suggest the MIL replace it, just don't. For whatever reason she seems to want the pic up, it really isn't appropriate to try to dictate what pictures someone has in their own house. I wouldn't be overjoyed , but all of the competition talk is extremely petty and immature. He has living reminders that he has a past, so I would just grin and bear it.

sofato5miles · 31/10/2017 11:44

If there are kids, you are being a pain in the arse. My dad's wife did this so my GPs took tje photos of my parents' wedding down. Made my sister and I feel like shit, like their marriage was being erased in its entirety.

Such selfish and entitled behaviour.

Dahlietta · 31/10/2017 11:45

The children are very well aware who their mother is and don't need pictures in their grandma's house to remind them! Quite the most insane comments i've ever read on Mumsnet!

Really? I think you need to explore Mumsnet more.

midnightmisssuki · 31/10/2017 11:53

Hmmm - i think its a tough one OP - on the one hand, its her house, she gets to choose what she puts up, i gues sbeing her dauhgter in law for over 20 years - she would have more affliation with her than with you, especially as she is also the mother of her grandchildren.

On the other hand - i can see why youre upset, cant be nice to have to look at your partners ex, on what must have been the happeist day of their lives.

Not much you can do about it, unless you want to have a word with your partner - what was the break-up like? it is was amicable, then i cant see him having an issue with the picture really, as its not his house. Its just a picture afterall.

Chattymummyhere · 31/10/2017 12:08

When we made a memory book for a family member is had pictures of one member and their ex. That member wasn’t happy but the photo couldn’t be remade and it was a big moment in the book holders life. You suck it up. Everyone has a past and marrying someone with an ex wife and children you will be forever reminded of it. It would be weird for his children to go to his mums house and the place be as if she never existed. If they are young they might even think they too could be replaced and forgotten as easily.

ohreallyohreallyoh · 31/10/2017 12:09

Ask DPs mother directly why she keeps the photos on display - get it out in the open and hear her response, she may be surprised you have noticed them

Yeah, try and make her feel awful in her own home. Particularly good for fostering long term, positive relationships with family.

I think it's a bit off but it's her home and she can decorate it how she wants. They have probably been up so long now she doesn't actually see them, but even if she does, it's her home, her choices.

NameChangeFamousFolk · 31/10/2017 12:21

If there are kids, you are being a pain in the arse. My dad's wife did this so my GPs took tje photos of my parents' wedding down. Made my sister and I feel like shit, like their marriage was being erased in its entirety

That's so sad.

she's very independent with a very busy life and is not a poor lonely widow

Not entirely sure why this is relevant, but I'd say that it suggests even more that she's also perfectly capable of choosing the photographs she has on display.

Other people's feelings are important, OP. This is a 20+ year marriage with all of the complexity and memories for those people involved. One to suck up, basically. Choose the photos in your own home, and forget about it.

I think asking your DP to ask his mother to take down photographs on her walls so you don't have to see them when you visit would be very wrong.

LagunaBubbles · 31/10/2017 12:37

The children are very well aware who their mother is and don't need pictures in their grandma's house to remind them! Quite the most insane comments i've ever read on Mumsnet! Very entertaining though

Its not about the children not "knowing" who their Mother is and needing a "reminder" so no need for the sneering post, its about the childrens emotions about their parents, the separation and their existence.
Sofas post is so sad and so true

BestZebbie · 31/10/2017 12:44

Be thankful that given the relationship has broken up, they haven't been relegated to the walls (or bedside table) in the guest bedroom for when the kids visit. If you don't like eating whilst looking at the ex I suspect you'd like seeing her from your bed even less. :-)

Original poster
rightroyal · 31/10/2017 14:10

@Lagunabubbles

Oh for goodness sake. The childrens' emotions are not being damaged nor their existence questioned! It's simply a case of two very large photographs of ex dominating the sitting/dining room. What a total crock!

@sofato5miles
The marriage is over? Our relationship is current. Wouldn't it be rather selfish and entitled of ex to expect to remain?

I will be sucking it up, it actually doesn't mean that much to me to be honest. She is the ex and i'm who he chooses to be with now.

OP posts:
NameChangeFamousFolk · 31/10/2017 15:31

OP you have persistently been rude to posters who have replied to your AIBU. It's unnecessary and a little unpleasant. You don't seem particularly equipped to take other's people's views on board, despite asking for them.

Your insistence that the 'children's emotions are not being damaged' and The children are very well aware who their mother is and don't need pictures in their grandma's house to remind them is a bit tone deaf as well.

It's probably safe to say that your BF's mother has her own reasons for keeping the photographs up.

LagunaBubbles · 31/10/2017 15:34

@Lagunabubbles
Oh for goodness sake. The childrens' emotions are not being damaged nor their existence questioned! It's simply a case of two very large photographs of ex dominating the sitting/dining room. What a total crock!

Er either you are missing the point spectacularly or you are - again - being very rude. Its not "crock". Either way its not me that's threatened by a picture on a wall!

LagunaBubbles · 31/10/2017 15:36

I will be sucking it up, it actually doesn't mean that much to me to be honest

You said in your first post how much it pisses you off.

hellsbellsmelons · 31/10/2017 15:52

Well if my ExMIL took pics of me down I'd be pretty pissed off.
I was a big part of her life.
Not now but we keep in touch every now and then and she still sees her adult GC every now and then.
I split with her DS 8 years ago!

MyLearnedFriend · 31/10/2017 15:53

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

lynmilne65 · 31/10/2017 15:57

unfortunately I got in a massive strop and ripped all old baby pics 😩I m 68 now
Angry

Original poster
rightroyal · 31/10/2017 16:32

Oh dear this is turning into a silly cat fight. I am not being rude I am defending my point of view. I think all the nonsense surrounding the children's emotions is spouted by those of you who probably claim your children are your biggest achievement (his references a recent post so hope I'm not TAATing).

It's not about the kids or even the ex who no longer has anything to do with MIL. As I've said I'll suck it up.

OP posts:
TheNaze73 · 31/10/2017 16:36

How do you know for certain the ex has nothing to do with her?