If there's not enough food for everyone you don't choose favourites?

[apintofmilk]

I may well be being unreasonable. But I'm due a period and grumpy and hormonal. Oh and dieting.
So we went to my mums for roast dinner tonight. She knows I'm on a diet and I've been really good all week so I can enjoy a naughty home cooked roast which I've said numerous times.
Anyway we all sat down and my mum said "this ones apintofmilk's". I thought nothing of it until the end of the meal when I see my husband, sister and her husband all appear to have stuffing balls AND Yorkshire puddings on their plate and the other 3 adults (my mum dad and me) and 2 kids (too little to have stuffing to be honest) do not.
So I got a bit pissy and asked why and was told that there wasn't enough for everyone so they weren't bothered re not having any and they decided out of everyone else that I should go without. I said "well did you not think of halving Yorkshire puddings, or giving one person stuffing and one yorkshires" and they just answered "no".
I went mad. I just feel like I'm constantly bottom of the pile and was fucking annoyed they thought I should be the one to go without (not to drip feed my sister is also on a diet as we go together so nothing to do with me dieting).
Surely if you don't have enough food for all your guests then everyone should go without and they could have had the stuffing balls and yorkshires mid week on their own.
Also fuming that they tried to hide it from me and didn't explain at the start, they just tried to be sneaky and hoped I didn't notice.
Please tell me I'm not being unreasonable. I know how lucky I am that I even have a family that invite us to dinner etc etc. But tonight really fucking annoyed me.

GC to farm or assembling a shoe cupboard?

I would barely have bothered with them again after that.

Does your sister also do this often-make them choose?

And they choose her?

I'm thinking that she doesn't have kids atm.

If she does in the future, wondering if yours would be cast aside?

OP you are not being unreasonable - good manners means sharing equally - however much or little you have. Families can have some pretty ingrained and unhealthy dynamics and they will continue unless you speak up.

I feel for you OP. Though apparently a small thing, I think it was mean and weird of your parents. I hope you're able to work these family issues out in the longer term.

Fucking selfish family

Some of us would love our parents to still be alive to go round for dinner. Give your head a wobble OP.

So they prioritised DSis’s needs over your DC (cupboard v farm) earlier in the week, they prioritised her needs on dinner day (rushing dinner prep so she could meet friends v time to prep food your DC will actually eat) and prioritised her plate over yours (yummies v plain).
There seems to be a pattern here.

Also - where was your DH in the “the kids need feeding” element of this? I’d be pissed off if my DH was busy stuffing his face while I was feeding my dinner to two young DC as my in your case, paltry dinner was going stone cold. I’m sorry, but for not helping in this, he was being a bit selfish and lazy.
But did he know you were looking forward to all the trimmings too, or is it possible that he, like many non-SW people, get confused about what you can/can’t have, whether you’re really ‘allowed’ it or whether you may declare afterwards that you ‘shouldn’t have had that’? If he knew, then he was being a git for colluding with your ‘family’ in making you feel crap again

You're unreasonable for describing food as "naughty".

But I certainly would have divvied them up, or done a silly choosing game to see who got what or something like that.

Yanbu.

I understand it's not about the food or your diet. It's about insidious unkindness.

My DH may not have noticed at first but as soon as he did he would have shared with me.

Some of the posts here are vicious. Ironic that the posters accusing you of overreacting are doing the same albeit in the guise of having an opinion.

At last overnight there seems to be some decent posts actually understanding the situation.
It just goes to show op that there are lots of people who don't think it wrong to treat family so badly and play favourites.

Oh and the pp who mentioned that your sisters kids, when she has some, will be prioritised over yours, is very likely to be correct.

Start withdrawing emotionally and physically op and concentrate on your own family. You don't want your kids growing up feeling second best to their cousins. Don't let their negativity affect your self worth. It's them, not you.

Some of us would love our parents to still be alive to go round for dinner

And? Relevance? This is about, as pp have said, a family playing insidious favourites and, unfortunately, a husband who seems to be getting embroiled in that a little too much.

Just because we'll all be dead one day doesn't alter that.

I’d love to know what people get out of doing this to their children, it’s so shit.

If you ever go round again op take 30 Yorkshire puds and 100 stuffing balls and take the piss. You need to stop it getting to you for your own sake

Pannalash - some of us had parents who were cruel and unloving, who treated us like dirt and didn't care for us the way they should have. Some people were lucky and had the opposite experience. Why don't you try and understand that not everybody's experience was the same, and be grateful for the good you had rather than be critical of someone who has struggled with the opposite set of circumstances. You are the winner in the lottery of life if you had those caring, loving formative years. Why kick your fellow human being who is already on the floor bleeding because they didn't? People have no idea what that lack of love from those who should love you the most does to you.

i think aftr reading your posts op you need to start withdrawing contact-it does you no good and now your kids

a shoe cupboard ffs? what do u gt out of seeing them

Coriandertasteslikesoap
I'd also rather have 5 different veg than Yorkshires and stuffing though. I don't think that's unusual. Is it?

Of course it's unusual - Yorkshires are a thousand times better than vegetables, duh.

Anyway, this isn't really about food is it OP? It's about the way you are treated by your parents and a DH who colludes with them. Ignore the posts from those who have failed to understand that.

Some of us would love our parents to still be alive to go round for dinner. Give your head a wobble OP.

What a stupid thing to say. So people should put up with being treated unfairly by their parents just because some other people people have lost their parents? Years and years of this has seriously affected the OPs self esteem clearly, if only it was as simple as "giving her head a wobble" whatever that is meant to mean eh?

For me, the worst thing about the meal is that your DH was sucked into the sniggering, they were the ones who were childish really. When our DDs needed help with feeding, my DH and I used to have a child each to take care of. He wouldn’t necessarily have noticed if I missed out on something, but if I’d said something about it he certainly wouldn’t have sniggered.

What tends to happen in dysfunctional families is that people go back into ‘child mode’, which I think is what happened between you and your sister. And your parents seem to be encouraging this, sadly.

You could move this thread over to the relationships board, and go on the ‘Stately Homes’ thread. You won’t get the aggressive AIBU comments.

And withdrawing to another room isn’t exactly a meltdown. It’s a way of avoiding saying something to cause things to escalate.

The people who keep telling the OP 'you're upset about a Yorkshire and stuffing ?' are really dense.

I'm with you, OP.

I think your DH being selfish is worse, OP. Is he always like this? How can you bear it?

I still remember overhearing my brother asking our gran if she had any crisps and her telling him that she only had one packet so to eat it in the kitchen and not tell me about it.
I'm fifty.
Turns out she massively favoured my DB. After my parents divorced she maintained contacg with him but not me. Things like not sharing food can most definitely be symptomatic of favouritism or some sort of weird power struggle.

I think it's good to show your children you stand up for what's right in life

We're still talking about a yourkshire pudding right?

FFS............ Its not about the bloody Yorkshire puddings

Give me strength!!!!!!!.!!!!

@snash12 read the thread and then try to offer an intelligent contribution.

MinervaSaidThar

That was obviously what I was trying to say. But you say it so much nicer!

What a cruel thing to do. Wtf is wrong with these parents.

And the DH? I know that in this situation, my husband would have immediately noticed and swapped plates with me.

Op yanbu. They sound emotionally abuse. I’m at a loss as to why so many posters have turned on you and don’t have the emotional intelligence to realise this is clearly not about the food but about the way they treat you.

For some reason when it comes to adult children and their parents, posters are often extraordinarily cold and unsympathetic on here. The OP could talk about the most blatant favouritism and will be told to grow up, your parents are not obliged to help you, followed by a whole range of far fetched hypothetical excuses for the parents’ behaviours. But in RL most people understand that the way extended family works, or should work, is with mutual respect, love, kindness and fairness. I wouldn’t be going next time they invite you, it doesn’t even sound like a very nice meal to waste your syns on, frozen yorkie and stuffing or not.