If there's not enough food for everyone you don't choose favourites?

[apintofmilk]

I may well be being unreasonable. But I'm due a period and grumpy and hormonal. Oh and dieting.
So we went to my mums for roast dinner tonight. She knows I'm on a diet and I've been really good all week so I can enjoy a naughty home cooked roast which I've said numerous times.
Anyway we all sat down and my mum said "this ones apintofmilk's". I thought nothing of it until the end of the meal when I see my husband, sister and her husband all appear to have stuffing balls AND Yorkshire puddings on their plate and the other 3 adults (my mum dad and me) and 2 kids (too little to have stuffing to be honest) do not.
So I got a bit pissy and asked why and was told that there wasn't enough for everyone so they weren't bothered re not having any and they decided out of everyone else that I should go without. I said "well did you not think of halving Yorkshire puddings, or giving one person stuffing and one yorkshires" and they just answered "no".
I went mad. I just feel like I'm constantly bottom of the pile and was fucking annoyed they thought I should be the one to go without (not to drip feed my sister is also on a diet as we go together so nothing to do with me dieting).
Surely if you don't have enough food for all your guests then everyone should go without and they could have had the stuffing balls and yorkshires mid week on their own.
Also fuming that they tried to hide it from me and didn't explain at the start, they just tried to be sneaky and hoped I didn't notice.
Please tell me I'm not being unreasonable. I know how lucky I am that I even have a family that invite us to dinner etc etc. But tonight really fucking annoyed me.

By kicking off I mean making a fuss instead of ignoring the issue. Yes I have got a temper but I can control it in front of my kids. I've said many times on this thread, there was no shouting or screaming or wailing. I stuck up for myself, asked the question, felt myself getting annoyed, left the room and sat quietly, meanwhile the kids didn't even realise I'd gone.

I think the food issue has clouded the real issue and many posters lack the intelligence to see that. Mumsnet had changed over the years. I'm astounded by the stupidity displayed on this thread. Me too, its as if people are willing themselves to make it about food when in fact its about how the OP's parents treat her.

OP they seem to me to want to punish you like a "naughty" child, and you enable them - why would you attend a dinner at all knowing this sort of thing might happen? Do you want to address the issues with them, maybe go low contact?

Sorry, OP, but you really played into their hands by reacting the way you did. By telling them what you thought was underlying their behaviour (them having treated you unfairly all your life) and then walking out and sulking on a chair for 30 minutes, you let them get out of explaining in their own words why they chose to treat you differently and you enabled them to focus on your reaction, instead, which was a bit childish. Instead of throwing out accusations, try pointing out the facts next time and asking for their explanation, rather than effectively telling them you think it's because they don't love you as much as your sister, which I doubt is how they see it and makes you look like a flouncy adolescent.

It’s funny how some dinner, makes everything seem small
And the hunger that once controlled me, can’t get to me at all
It’s time to see what I can do
They took my stuffing,yorkies too
No right,no wrong, no rules for meee
I’m hungryyyy

I'm sure you're not stupid enough to really think that

Sorry did I miss your coronation as Queen of MN?

If you have an issue with your parents - then you discuss it with your parents in an adult way. If you kick off over Yorkshire pudding and stuffing - s’not fair etc - then you’re the one who’s made it about food.

mad
I wouldn't mind if they were disagreeing with me, it's just so many people can't see beyond the food issue when it is so obviously not about the food. This was just the straw that broke the camel's back.

When I first joined mumsnet I was amazed at how different people have so many different takes on a situation but this one is just being taken on face value of a Yorkshire pudding and some stuffing, which is obviously not a big issue in the grand scheme of things. What I am upset at though is that people seem unable to see the real issue. That this is just one example of a 30 year old dysfunctional pattern. People aren't disagreeing with me which would be fine. They just lack insight and emotional intelligence to look beyond the obvious. Mumsnet has changed over the years.

Sorry did I miss your coronation as Queen of MN?

Er...no?

It isn’t fair. Why keep putting yourself in that position if it makes you so unhappy?

The little ready made Yorkshire puddings are about 50 cals so bugger the fatshamers saying you shouldn’t eat them!

I wouldn't go back for a while. Could you cook for them? If you want to see them/ want the dc to see dgc?

I think YANBU I would be really annoyed, and would always share what I have if somebody else hankers after a bit.

I've not got a problem with food.

Needing to count up 'syns' during the week so you can treat yourself to a Yorkshire pudding and some stuffing, then feeling a meal was ruined because you didn't have them suggests otherwise. You don't need to be under/over weight to have issues with food. The fact you felt the need to send food for your kids over, rather than what was being served was just as rude as what they did to you. If your children didn't eat it, they wouldn't have starved waiting until they had something else later. By feeding them off your plate you are completely giving them the idea of 'I don't have to eat anything but the bits I like'. I appreciate there are other issues here, but there's been plenty of suggestion that food is not a none issue either.

Some people lack emotional intelligence in your opinion.

You don't think you lose the moral high ground by saying everyone is stupid and lacking in intelligence?

MN has indeed changed. Because people used to be able to make a point without resorting to petty insults and slanging matches.

We're all guilty, it seems.

I would find cooking 3 stuffing balls and 3 Yorkshire puddings for 8 people embarrassing. Make sure to serve 3 slices of cake to 8 people when they come.

Poor OP. Sounds to me as though she feels she is treated differently to her sibling and that this has been going on for years. Today's incident was the straw that broke the camel's back. It happened to be about food today, but could have actually been about any situation where the of perceived she was, yet again, treated unfairly. Then, when she comes on here for a bit of a rant and some support, she's faced with a group of people who can't see the bigger picture here. No, for them it's all about a bit of stuffing and an Aunt Bessie's Yorkshire pudding.

It definitely is about more than just the food, but if I go into it deeper then I get accused of drip feeding. But one further example, my parents were kind enough to say they'd have the kids one day this week so I could work an extra shift. They said they'd take the kids to the farm. Kids (esp eldest) were excited. 20 mins before farm trip is meant to take place my sister calls them to ask for help assembling a shoe cupboard which she decided needed doing then and there. Parents dropped all plans, went over, took kids who were confined to her lounge for the best part of 3 hours, by this point it was nap time and they put them to bed until I got home, meaning they were basically confined to my lounge or hers for the whole day. They just drop everything for her, so combined with that, and a few other things, and dinner tonight I've been pretty annoyed all week.

That takes the piss OP. They put your sister before their grandchildrens needs.

I think you should avoid them for a while.

So then you have to reach the point where you realise if you can't change their behaviour, you need to change your own.

And if that means keeping your distance for the sake of your self-esteem and your confidence then that's what you do.

I'm not saying go NC, but becoming self-reliant and keeping a physical and emotional distance is perfectly fine if you find yourself being mistreated over and over again.

Is it unfair? Absolutely.

But you need to control the things within your power to control instead of putting yourself in situations that make you feel that bad over and over again.

I agree with you mad on your last post. And counseling if possible. And read up on assertiveness.

Well then, if you feel their childcare, parenting and general hosting skills are subpar, only you can change it. Pay for childcare, go low contact and next time there's a need for a family get together, you host it and make sure everyone is completely well fed. No need for any anger if you're ahead of their bad behaviour towards you.

If this happened to me, I can’t imagine my other half doing anything apart from saying “ do you want to share my Yorkshire’s/stuffing or have one or the other”.
You are right to be annoyed st him as well.
Parents, I’d go lie contact with, can’t see they bring any goodness to your life.

I'm nodding along and smiling wryly apint. I've been treated like this FOR. YEARS.

Like Tinkly and Whines and a few others have said, this is so not about a stupid Yorkshire pudding. This is just number 200 of 199 prior incidents where you are roundly ignored, devalued, put down and sidelined. In isolation, the subtle jabs are nothing much to stew over and everyone thinks we're difficult and snippy and hard work. But actually after 200 times of being reminded that you are second best it gets pretty raw.

I don't know how old you are, but I'm 45 and I'm at a level of resigned acceptance. I've found a tiny bit of comfort in knowing that actually, they don't actively conspire to put us down - we simply don't feature in their bubble of what's immediately important, and they don't bother to disguise their lack of interest or engagement very well.

Find an ally in your DH, to the point where you can rise above it in the moment, then have a good laugh about it later. You don't need those people or their bloody approval to define your worth - you are okay, you are enough, you are worthwhile. Don't waste your energy, just smile knowingly and move on.

Just read your last post about the shoe cupboard and snorted. I can't relay something that recently happened as it could out me, but I feel your pain!

It's real, they really do this. So make up your mind that they can't hurt you anymore. I did that 10 years ago and it saved my sanity apart from the incident 2 weeks ago when I cried myself hoarse, the bastards.

I'd think my mum and dad had given me the same rubbish portion they had given themselves cos I was their favourite and I wouldn't make a fuss

I understand, OP, that really must have hurt. Your parents really do prioritise your sister’s needs over yours and your children. No wonder you got so upset over the food today.