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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want her to go.

261 replies

littlegrub2 · 29/10/2017 02:17

Ex-partner wants our 11 month old to start staying over at his house for sleepovers.

But we co-sleep, as she still breastfeeds several times through the night so this is easiest for us.
She’s never slept through, or gone more than 3-4 hours in the night without a breastfeed (I know it’s comfort rather than she needs it).

He says however she’ll be fine and won’t expect me to be there in new surroundings.

I initially said no but it caused an absolute war as she ‘doesn’t still need breastfed or to co-sleep’ etc. So I agreed to one night this week but I am sh*tting it. I don’t want her to go, not for selfish reasons (that’s a whole other ball game, I’m going to miss her incredibly) but can he really expect that much from her?

I need to know aibu. I know she’s ‘getting old’ for breastfeeding blah blah but I don’t think she is ready for sleepovers. However I’m afraid he is right and maybe she wouldn’t expect me in new surroundings and would be okay? I don’t know :(

OP posts:
NowtAbout · 30/10/2017 18:45

Sorry posted too soon. My DH did this as he felt it was best for his son. He then had him 2 to 3 times a week overnight. Additionally he paid full maintenance despite only being on 10K a year. His ex would ask him occasionally for more money when needed and he always helped out if he could. That is because nothing is more important to him down his children's welfare. He would never have expected his ex to ask for money for day-to-day living because he is not a twat.

Autumnskiesarelovely · 30/10/2017 18:49

No. Let him stamp his feet. Let him shout. So what?

People who throw their toys out of the pram don’t deserve special treatment. Stick to what is best for your baby.

innagazing · 30/10/2017 18:52

The thing is, that Op would be stopping breast feeding because it suits the dad, not because it's the right time for the baby.
OP has already said she doesn't get on with pumping, so the baby will be going cold turkey in a strange room/house without her familiar main carer there. All these factors together are likely to distress the baby greatly.
Just why would you chance putting her in that situation when it can be easily avoided? I can't think of any reason whatsoever.
There's plenty of other ways that the Dad can bond with his daughter in the meantime.

beltanelove · 30/10/2017 18:55

Don't do it. Contact arrangements for breastfeeding children have a strong argument in court for not stopping before WHO guidelines which is two years.

user1498983411 · 30/10/2017 18:59

Why don’t u just see how it goes!! If I goes well then that’s great if it goes bad and she cry’s and keeps him up all night then try again in three months, also tell him that if it all goes wrong and she is crying for u then he can bring her back round!!

allwomanR · 30/10/2017 19:01

I think you need to establish if he’s providing a safe sleeping environment as I would be very worried myself about him co-sleeping when not used to it (and we co-sleep currently at 9mo)
Also feeding that often you are risking a blocked duct or mastitis if unlucky from a sudden change which could affect your breastfeeding too. Maybe when she’s a bit older and you work up to it by picking her up at 10/11? Hope you work something out amicably either way Flowers

MrsDan · 30/10/2017 19:04

I agree with the post above. I think there’s no way to no for sure until it happens. You may have to be prepared for a call at 2am to say that they are on their way to you though!

I’m assuming that the OPs ex is not a stranger to the baby and the baby has been to that house previously? I don’t think that’s the same as waking in a totally different environment with a complete stranger tbh. It’s not really comparable.

Sparkletastic · 30/10/2017 19:05

Come on.
Raise your standards on how you let people treat you.
Stop wasting your love on a man who doesn’t deserve it.
Give his details to the CSA.
Refuse overnight stays until she is weaned.

How would you feel if this was your daughter in your position?

Lovingit81 · 30/10/2017 19:05

There is NO WAY on earth I would be letting him take her overnight if she co sleeps and is breastfed. And the maintenance issue is a joke. Sorry but you need to step up for you and your daughter. I wouldn't trust him in any situation if he's unwilling to pay proper maintenance. He's taking you for a ride. Please please rethink your set up. I know it's harsh but you need to got the sake of your child.

BuzzKillington · 30/10/2017 19:07

No way would I be separated from a young baby overnight.

Teddy1970 · 30/10/2017 19:10

No way would I be happy with that OP...it sounds as if he's thinking about his needs rather than the childs.

Jamhandprints · 30/10/2017 19:15

Why don't you call your health visiting team and ask their advice? You could ask for someone to come out to speak to you and your ex to give their opinion. I'm sure they will say no to overnight if you don't seem ready. I know here they would be happy to help. I have called about different issues like sleep and behaviour and they often suggest a visit from a health care assistant to give some advice. He may see them as more of an authority, whereas you are his equal (in his opinion). But definitely speak to them first to make sure they understand the situation. X

goingslightlycrazy · 30/10/2017 19:35

YADNBU

The interests of your child trump all others. He has plenty of time soon enough for sleepovers. Keep strong x

tiggersdontlikehoney · 30/10/2017 19:38

No way would I have been agreeing to that at this age OP. Mine breastfed to age 2, totally her choice and stopped when she wanted to not because a parent decided. A breastfeeding baby suddenly being refused a feed and in a strange environment for the first time is going to be incredibly distressed. Your Ex is being a selfish twat, either has no concept of what his child needs or doesn't care - and either way thinks it's about what he wants/needs. It's not about you or him, or even about the co-sleeping - it is cruel to suddenly remove a breastfeeding baby's food and comfort. Just horrible.

GabsAlot · 30/10/2017 19:41

your ltting him walk all over you because you want him back

hes not coming back and hes not a nice person

anyone can turn up and play with their child for a few hours-hes not providing for her

washis commnt about his business to scare u into not going to cms?

Fruitcorner123 · 30/10/2017 19:41

Going to the CSA won't stop you from getting back together if he really loves you. If he doesnt love you then you wouldnt be gettind back together for the right reasons anyway.

He does sound a bot controlling but naybe ita because he doesnt see the relationship as really over either.

His parents opinion is completely
Irrelevant. You shouldn't send her unless you are sure it is the right decision for her. You are the person who knows her best. Your OP suggests it's not right that she should go and the majority of posters back you up on this so please be strong for your DD.

bathghter · 30/10/2017 19:50

selfish arse. he has no idea what he is saying. talk about putting his desires before the baby. and i wouldn’t want to put her in that position just to prove a point either as some posters digest Hmm

if it were me i’d suggest he takes me to court on that particular issue.

Cooloncraze · 30/10/2017 19:53

OP I really feel for you and you’re not being unreasonable to find this so hard.
My DS started having sleepovers at my ex’s when he was 11 months old. I reduced breastfeeding (I BF until he was 16months) and started him on a bottle with formula at night so he could stay with his dad.
Although it felt really painful initially I also tried to appreciate that fathers can of course care wonderfully and I didn’t want to use BF as an excuse for not enabling him to spend time with our DS.
DS was fine and I just massively distracted myself on those nights - cinema with friends/ swimming/ lovely food etc.
Of course this is your decision as parents but I wanted to share that it is possible and you’ll all be ok

MaggieS41 · 30/10/2017 20:11

There’s obviously a reason why courts don’t grant overnight access to dads of breastfeeding babies under 2! It’s not necessary - why do some of you think it’s father bashing that most MNers here are saying no?? They can fucking bond at other times! Like the OP said - she doesn’t refuse him access.

I co-slept with both mine until 11 months but continued with overnight BF’s for one until 15 months, and the second until 18 months (and still BF him at 2 years plus.) Never used a dummy and they’re both independent non- clingy children. My DH could only settle them after a year. All babies are different but mums generally know best and that’s not taking away the rights and feelings of the dad. It’s just nature.

So OP, don’t feel pressured. Don’t feel like it’s something you should do to appease him because you’re still in love with him. TBH he sounds like a bit of an arsehole. I know the maintenance issue is an aside to the main point of this post but still....don’t let him take advantage of your feelings for him! He makes £80/90k but probably pays himself huge dividends which aren’t included in his salary for CSA calculations I believe.

If I was in your situation I would say no and renege on your agreement until your baby and you are ready. Stand up for yourself! Good luck 😉

manicmij · 30/10/2017 20:13

Stick to your guns and say NO. Your DD will be very unsettled out of routine alone never mind not having you to nuzzle up to. How does exP expect to console the Child if she is unsettled. Definitely not the right time.

Hebenon · 30/10/2017 20:19

I really don't think this is a good idea for your baby because she really isn't old enough to just understand that she's somewhere different and normal rules don't apply all of a sudden. And I am beyond shocked that the baby's father owns a business turning over 80-90K per annum and has contributed only £80 to her upkeep in nearly a year. Even if he was on minimum wage, he could pay more than this - surely he should want to in order to make his child's life easier?

In your shoes, I would set a couple of conditions on overnights. I'd be looking for her to sleep through without needing or wanting to be fed (6-7 hours) more often than not, and I'd be looking for a regular amount of maintenance and transparency on the company accounts. If he is earning minimum wage and all the rest is business expenses, that's fair enough that he pays a small amount monthly - perhaps look at £20-30 going forward to begin with, though I don't know what the rules are and you are likely entitled to more than that. If he is drawing down dividends as well as his basic wage, that is not fair and not kind to your daughter and he should be paying a lot more.

In addition, I would want his parents to butt out. This has nothing to do with them at all and they should not be sticking their oar in.

A baby who is still breastfed should be with the person who can breastfeed her until either the baby is old enough to understand that a different place means different rules or she stops breastfeeding so much at night. I'd imagine that would happen naturally around age 2 or so.

You say you still love him? Why? He doesn't seem to care about your daughter's feelings or welfare at all. This would be the minimum standard for anyone I loved, I think, never mind your own feelings.

Hebenon · 30/10/2017 20:21

PS Just because you have said yes initially does not mean you have to stick to it. You can say that, having thought about it, you do not think your baby's interests would be best served by this arrangement and you will revisit in a few months to see if anything has changed. It may - my BF DD's sleep patterns changed massively around 13-14 months all on their own (I didn't do anything different).

Hebenon · 30/10/2017 20:24

Oh, and by the way, DD was breastfed and although DH who lived with her all the time and slept in the same bed most of the time (she was a starfish) could settle her, he could only do so AFTER she'd been breastfed not without breastfeeding. I only know this as I had to have an operation and was away from her for one night completely unavoidably. He had a terrible time. My brother (who also lived with us so DD very used to him) was there too and neither of them or my poor DD had a wink of sleep all night. She was younger than yours at the time but not by much. I think she was 9 months. It was awful and I leaked all night.

Tryingtodoitall · 30/10/2017 20:32

As someone who co-sleeps and breastfeeds my 13 month old DD, it made me feel really really sad reading this.

My DD would have a crap nights sleep without me there - she would be upset, pining and confused. Unfortunately I presume this will be the same for your baby.

Why would the dad want that for your child?! I hope you stand your ground x

SchadenfreudePersonified · 30/10/2017 20:40

it sounds as if he's thinking about his needs rather than the childs.

Not even his needs - has wants.

He doesn't &need gg with him - he has decided, unilaterally, that he wants her with him - and so what if it upsets the baby and she has a miserable night in great distress, or causes physical discomfort to the OP - HE wants what HE wants, and therefore it must be so.

Tell him "No", OP.

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