To not want her to go.

[littlegrub2]

Ex-partner wants our 11 month old to start staying over at his house for sleepovers.

But we co-sleep, as she still breastfeeds several times through the night so this is easiest for us.
She’s never slept through, or gone more than 3-4 hours in the night without a breastfeed (I know it’s comfort rather than she needs it).

He says however she’ll be fine and won’t expect me to be there in new surroundings.

I initially said no but it caused an absolute war as she ‘doesn’t still need breastfed or to co-sleep’ etc. So I agreed to one night this week but I am sh*tting it. I don’t want her to go, not for selfish reasons (that’s a whole other ball game, I’m going to miss her incredibly) but can he really expect that much from her?

I need to know aibu. I know she’s ‘getting old’ for breastfeeding blah blah but I don’t think she is ready for sleepovers. However I’m afraid he is right and maybe she wouldn’t expect me in new surroundings and would be okay? I don’t know :(

Why don't you go the legal route? I doubt a judge would allow this young.

And it would sort out the maintenance.

OP I a absolutely not an expert in love but my limited experience is that some men will walk over women if they get the chance. They will also, sometimes choose harder to reach women over those who are more convenient.

By making life so very easy for him, maybe, rather than encouraging him back you are ensuring he will stay just where he wants and ensure you are just where he wants too. I think you need to take off the rosy glasses. He abandoned you and your precious dd and has paid £80 (my cat has cost me more than that this year!) to help care for your precious baby.

Get angry OP.

It is obvious you love him.

But he has not moved back in despite you pleading.

Take control of YOUR life with your daughter.

You deserve someone who will love you back - at the moment he has no need to.

Realy sorry and hope you get this sorted.

Still think bubba should not go overnight in unfamiliar surroundings especially as you are still breastfeeding and co-sleeping.

Take care - and get proper legal advice BEFORE HE DOES!

So even his parents are putting pressure on you to let him have DD overnight? Maybe his mother never breast fed so has no idea how difficult or distressing it is likely to be for your daughter?

I BF ( and co slept) my daughter til 10 months and she was waking up hourly to feed, but mainly using the breast for comfort. It was exhausting for me, and interrupting her sleep. The sleep clinic told me to stop breast feeding immediately. The first night of cold turkey was absolutely horrendous, and she hardly slept all night long, crying constantly. The second and third night were slightly better.

Apart from being willing to put your daughter through this for no good reason, are you absolutely certain he will be able to deal with this without losing his patience with her? Could there be any possible risk of violence towards her? Or just leaving her to cry all night in a cot she isn't used to being in? Would he contact you if things weren't going well, or would he see this as losing face?

You say you need to discuss the matter with him again. Yes, you do, but I hope you make up your mind beforehand, and tell him you've changed your mind til she's ready, and that your decision is final.

Parents have differing parenting styles, and it's inevitable that there will be times when you disagree. You may as well start sooner rather than later in learning how you are both going to deal with these situations. You're her main carer, and sole financial provider at the moment. Without excluding him from having a great relationship with his daughter, the reality is that you get to call the shots and make the major decisions. He can give his opinion for you to consider, but the final decisions are always yours to make.

Look, this man is not worth loving. He's a piece of shit who doesn't care about you or DD, He won't pay maintenance and is pestering you to let him have your little BF baby overnight for no good reason. You'll be happier once you realise he's worthless and stop trying to indulge him.
Right now he's seeing how far he can push you and how much shit you will eat. Both you and DD will be better off if you stand up to him and a) set the CSA on him and b) allow access based on what is best for DD, not what he says he wants.

I find his demands to have your dd overnight when he doesn't even pay maintenance very strange. What's in it for him? Does he have some romantic view of caring for a baby or does he have someone else on hand who he thinks will take care of her? His mum or a girlfriend.

His suggestion to give her a cup of water is absolutely ludicrous. This man sounds like a grade A cunt OP. Please don't upset your baby to appease him.

And I'm sorry, but if you walk out on your child's mother at 4 months then you have to bloody accept that you won't have such a full on parenting role. That's life.

I dont even have children and my heart hurt reading that. Shes a baby too young to be away from you she has no understanding of why shes being taken away for the night from her mothers bed. Maybe 2 is a more reasonable sleepover age.

OP if I could I'd come and give you a big fat hug. I know it's hard but detaching yourself from this poor excuse of a man/human will benefit you and your baby in the long run.

It's well documented that what happens in the under 2 stage can shape the rest of the child's emotional development.

Imagine if it was her coming to you in 25 yrs time telling you her ex partner is doing to her what her dad is doing to you - what would you tell her?

Lots of hugs to you.

YANBU. No way.
Lots of people have said it but it isn't about your exP (who should absolutely be paying maintenance properly) it's about your BABY daughter. Removing her from her primary carer and main source of comfort is selfish of him and unnecessary. And she is not too old for breastfeeding, regardless of whether you or he or anyone else feel she is doing it for comfort rather than food.

YANBU. 11 months is still so young, and certainly not too old for being breastfed or to be expected to sleep through the night.

He is being totally unreasonable and selfish insisting on having her overnight at this point. I would refuse it to be honest unless it’s court imposed! Surely he can bond with her just fine during the day time when she is awake, rather than insisting on having her in the night time when she is asleep - although there will probably be a lot less sleep given he will be taking away all her usual comforts (cosleeping with you and breastfeeding). Really feel for you OP, I would find this upsetting.

YANBU.
There’s still plenty of time when the baby is awake that he could step up and parent. There’s also another 17 years of DD being a child, so it’s hardly the end of the world not having overnights until she’s a year older.
Also, no maintenance, then no calling the shots.
Don’t pander to his ‘wants’ and put your DD last. You sound like you’re bending over backwards to support him when you’re getting nothing in return.

Omg his kid
‘When she’s older’
‘The father to spend more time withyour child’
Get real after a night it will be more familiar
She needs her dad and mum

He sounds like a prick. I BF my daughter and no way was she ready for a sleepiver anywhere at 11 months. Tell him absolutley NO. X

I’d absolutely say no to over-nights at this age. If she’s still nursing a lot at night she needs to be with you. Offer long day visits with a view to over-nights in a few months time. You’d get engorged, and possibly need to pump for comfort, and she’d need bottles of ebm for the night. It’s lively that he wants more contact with her (I’m assuming it is him being a good dad, and not a controlling asshole) but she’s still too little to be away from you over night just yet.

I suspect its his mum who wants the sleepover.

OP your DD is going to be really distressed by this. Frankly its up to you to protect her, not seek to placate your waste of space ex.

I strongly object to the expectation that my child will dress up as a witch or demon or ghost or whatever, for a Halloween party. Our family, as Christians, actively avoid this kind of rubbish. What if I didn’t send him in fancy dress? Or, as husband suggested, dress him as a bishop with a staff to smite the heathen?

Don’t do it. Just explain you’ll revisit it in 6months. I reluctantly said yes to giving my baby a bottle after sheer insistent from husband (cause he wanted to feed her) and completely regretted it. I wasn’t ready and I knew she wasn’t and then she decided that the bottle was easier and she stuffed around on the boob and stopped feeding on me. I was heartbroken. Explain it really nicely to him that right now it’s not quite right, but absolutely in the very near future. Explain she still feeds at night and you want her to be well adjusted in the evenings before she sleeps over. And that it’s better for her to be used to not BF at night.

We did co sleeping until our daughter was 6 yrs old and I breastfed her until she was 27 months old. She BF in the night until she was around 2yrs. I think to take away BF in the night just to please your ex is ridiculous, (he's being ridiculous not you) and it sounds like he's trying to be very controlling. Do what's best for you and you baby, if he doesn't like it that's tough luck.

Doodle yes preferably children should have a mum and dad. Did you miss the part where OP explained that he walked out on his child and OP who loves him and doesn't pay maintenance? Did you miss the other part that this is a breast fed baby and he wants to give her a cup of water as a substitute? This man does not understand his child's needs nor is he willing to put her needs first.

OP after a few years of him treating your dd like this you will soon lose your love for the man. She is clearly your world and I'm sure part of your love for him is because he is your child's father. He needs to step up. You and dd won't always be waiting around for him to decide.

I am not trying to be controversial at all, but I know that there was some research around night breastfeeding. It was suggested that the breastfeeder does not put the child down to sleep or go in when baby wakes. It was explained that the child would likely settle more as they don’t smell the milk and therefore don’t expect it.

I also know a relative of mine tried this (baby was not sleeping unless falling asleep on the boob at night). Their DS did settle more for Dad.

I guess though it’s about the other practicalities also, ie are you able to pump? Do you even own a breast pump? Would your baby take a bottle.

As for the legal route, the case would be assessed by cafcass prior to a court hearing. They’re social workers - some may agree with you, and say it’s unfair for your child. Some may decide that pumping milk is a good way to “compromise”. They all have different views and approaches so it’s difficult to say what the outcome may be as it’s all very subjective. They then make a report which the judge will generally use the recommendations from as the basis of a contact order.

I say all this as someone who has breastfed myself! So I do understand your feelings on this OP!

My experience wth my own dcs at that age is that, actually fathers can settle an unhappy child, even when they are bred and used to being as a way to get back to sleep.

In my experience, it's hard work for the father (!!) but as long as the child is actually being looked after and onsole. Y the father it's OK. It's more like finding a way to deal with the upset, the same way you did when she was a baby and was crying but you were struggling to calm her down (and it happened to all of us).

I think the fact he is WANTING to see his dd and have her overnight is great TBH.
He is working all hours but is still seeing her so that means he is putting her as priority when he has some time spare. And it seems he doesn't have a lot from what you say.

Just now your dd bonding with her dd is the important thing.
And yes it can see it's hard for you. I can see you are worried and I can also see how disruptive it is in the routine you've established for her.
But in the long run, having a father that is there for her will be a very important thing for her.
Please do keep that in mind - how I portant it will be for her to see her dad and to see him involved inner life.

MrsDan that has been my experience with dc2.
Much easier for DH to settle him down when he couldn't smell the milk and it wasn't who he was 'used' to see.

You are being ridiculous. There’s a big difference between a baby waking through the night, latching on and setting again compared to a baby waking in a different environment, without its usual source of comfort. What do you think will happen in the latter situation?

THIS ^

And she is getting to the age where she will be prone to separation anxiety - even children who are used to having both parents/lots of family around them start to become fearful if separated from their main caretaker. It is part of natural development, but it can be very distressing for them.

I B/F both of mine for 16 months - you aren't being unreasonable. He is, He should be putting the welfare of his daughter above his own wants.

My DH split up with his ex when their son was 5 months old. Despite very much wanting to he didn't have any overnight stayed until his son stopped breastfeeding at night. ( this was when he was about 13 months

Sorry - just realised that I copied part out of a previous post that looks as though I (and th author) am criticising the OP.

On the contrary - we both agree with the OP that the baby shouldn't go - the ridiculous comment was to a different poster altogether.

And if he wanted to be such a good dad, he shouldn't have abandoned his family wthout a second glance.

This is a control mechanism. Don't give in to it.