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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want her to go.

261 replies

littlegrub2 · 29/10/2017 02:17

Ex-partner wants our 11 month old to start staying over at his house for sleepovers.

But we co-sleep, as she still breastfeeds several times through the night so this is easiest for us.
She’s never slept through, or gone more than 3-4 hours in the night without a breastfeed (I know it’s comfort rather than she needs it).

He says however she’ll be fine and won’t expect me to be there in new surroundings.

I initially said no but it caused an absolute war as she ‘doesn’t still need breastfed or to co-sleep’ etc. So I agreed to one night this week but I am sh*tting it. I don’t want her to go, not for selfish reasons (that’s a whole other ball game, I’m going to miss her incredibly) but can he really expect that much from her?

I need to know aibu. I know she’s ‘getting old’ for breastfeeding blah blah but I don’t think she is ready for sleepovers. However I’m afraid he is right and maybe she wouldn’t expect me in new surroundings and would be okay? I don’t know :(

OP posts:
SheRaaarghPrincessOfPower · 29/10/2017 15:20

www.gov.uk/calculate-your-child-maintenance/y

So, say he's on £40k a year, that's £92 a week. If he's in £50k a year, then it's more like £110 a week. (assuming no other children)

He's taking the piss.

I know this isn't what the thread is about, but seriously, he needs to start paying you the correct amount.

RoseGoldEagle · 29/10/2017 16:05

If he asks you what you need money for tell him -nappies, wipes, clothes, books, toys, food, heating, a roof over her head... this guy is ridiculous, please don't let him get away with this OP

Jerseysilkvelour · 29/10/2017 16:22

OP now I see the extra info you've posted it sounds like your ex is. A bit controlling. Keep him out of your house, make him pay set maintenance and be firm about your baby!

My ex used to use financials to control me by making me ask for what i needed. Once I stopped asking and said he needed to pay a set amount things improved considerably.

You've only been split up for a few months, it's such early days.

There's plenty of time for them to build a good relationship. My dd loves her daddy and has a great relationship with him. That only really happened when I put my foot down and stopped letting him use her to get to me.

haveagobletofblood · 29/10/2017 16:33

I don't think there's a mother on earth who would think YABU.

CPtart · 29/10/2017 16:38

Mcpound so my assumptions about the ex weren't "a load of rubbish" they were bang on. The fact this issue has only cropped up now at 11 months speaks volumes.

EvilDemonRaspberryOverlord · 29/10/2017 16:53

OP, the more you post about your ex, the more I think he's trying to dictate to you via the baby.

If you don't think your baby is ready for overnights with him, then don't go ahead. He seems to be acting in line with what he thinks and wants, and not what the baby's needs are.

And get onto the CMS, get him paying proper maintenance. He is legally obliged to pay towards his child, his beliefs are irrelevant.

Fruitcorner123 · 29/10/2017 16:55

I know you have had lots of opinions on here but i just wabted to sy i agree that 11m is very young if she wont take a bottle. She is still feeding at night. Yes strixyly apeaking bbies should bw able to gonwithout night feeda at this stage but yours doesnt. It would be one thing if you could provide a bottle but thats not possible so i woukd say too early. Maybe 18m or 2y more reasonable.

On the subject of maintenance you are doing your daughter a disservice by not demanding more from him. He is disgraceful for not paying for his daughter.
If you dont want to go through CMA could you write a list of monthly outgoings which you soend on her:nappies, clothes, food, utilities,childcare,rent etc. And ask him for half? (Maybe not half your rent and utilities but a fair amount towards)

Qvar · 29/10/2017 16:58

I’d just say no. There isn’t a court in the land that would force it. She is still breastfeeding and he hasn’t got breasts that produce milk and that. Is. That.

HeadlessHorsemad · 29/10/2017 16:58

OP, cannot believe you are happy to be treated like this by this pathetic man.

You need to woman up and quick! Come on, read your posts as if it was your friend posting and think hard what you'd say to her.
You ARE enabling a relationship between your child and your ex and that is GOOD. What you mustn't do is allow him to trample all over you.

Get yourself sorted with proper regular maintenance. He needs to realise he has a financial obligation to this child.

Italiangreyhound · 29/10/2017 17:29

OP you've said yes but you know you can change your mind. Read up on whether this is in your dd's best interests, talk to health visitor.

Having his child over for a night but not taking responsibility for her needs, and making you specifically ask for set items is controlling. You said you still love him, I think. Why?

Are you hoping by allowing him 24/7 access to dd at home, a night away and effectively no maintenance at all, that you will win him back? I'm no relationships expert but I think if that is your plan, it's flawed. (If I have it wrong, please say.) Thanks XXXX

WiggleYourWoo · 29/10/2017 17:44

Absolutely not. Don't do it. He will have to wait until your DD can comfortably manage a night away from Mum and not a second earlier!

Laceup · 29/10/2017 17:49

Has this been through court? ...I'd be saying no..not till she's 2

ShiftyLookingBadger · 29/10/2017 18:04

Totally agree with Italian, you should speak to a health visitor and be completely open about your concerns.

innagazing · 29/10/2017 18:17

Controlling the access to money to maintain your daughter IS controlling. And unreasonable.

This means that it's likely to be very difficult for you to ever disagree with him as he will use that against you to withhold money. In fact, he's not even contributing now when you aren't disagreeing about anything! Why do you think this is ok?

He's sidestepping his financial responsibilities. You need to establish a base line in general now, and also get a regular amount from him via CMA. You can always start saving for her now in case she wants to go to university etc. More likely you'll need it sooner. Perhaps when you get universal credit and finances could be tighter?

I really think you need to put your big girl pants on and start having a much bigger say in how you are going to co parent with your ex. You have other children too, so presumably you will also need to ensure that any plans he has for contact etc, also fits in with your family life.

Have you decided what you're going to do about the baby going to him overnight this week?

Original poster
littlegrub2 · 29/10/2017 18:28

Do you know why this is so extra difficult, the contact and csa.. I’m still in love with the man. I envisioned my life with him and he walked out. It has been months and months but I still plead with him every day and I’m no further forward getting through this. So I keep the peace as such in hope to avoid arguments then maybe he’ll come back. Love really is blind, I can see through it, but it’s just painfully raw just now. Hopefully with time with come strength.

OP posts:
Original poster
littlegrub2 · 29/10/2017 18:29

I haven’t decided about the overnight stay yet no, we haven’t been in contact to discuss it since.

OP posts:
BewareOfDragons · 29/10/2017 18:38

He knows you want him back, I suspect. He's using your efforts to 'keep the peace' to not pay you what he should be paying you to care for his child!

innagazing · 29/10/2017 18:59

That's a very honest reply from you Little Grub. My concern would be that it makes it more difficult for you to be certain that you have put your daughter's interest before his or yours.
To be brutally frank, I'm wondering why you think that you acquiescing to what he wants at the expense of the babies best interest, and being a pushover in terms of him paying proper ( and 'normal') maintenance, is connected to whether he decides to get back with you? It sounds as though he has made his choice already.
Would it be possible for you to have some counselling support to help you establish positive arrangements with ex? It is a difficult situation and is likely to remain so for a number of years while your child is growing up. Some support may allow you the space to explore all the ramifications.

SheRaaarghPrincessOfPower · 29/10/2017 19:02

Oh love..

Flowers

In the nicest possible way.. You need to grow a pair and start claiming proper maintenance for your daughter. It's money for her benefit and you must start to claim this from this.

He's given you £80 so far this year? By the sound of it, he should be giving you this much EVERY WEEK.

Original poster
littlegrub2 · 29/10/2017 19:03

In terms of her going to stay, her needs/wants will absolutely come before any of ours. I posted to get some perspective, as he (and his parents) think she’d adapt well and I’d be in the wrong to stop it happening. And am in the wrong for not allowing it until now x

OP posts:
Original poster
littlegrub2 · 29/10/2017 19:04

I asked about his wage, he said ‘he’ earns basic but his ‘business’ earns about 80-90k. It’s solely his business.. apparently this is business money though and none of that can be considered by csa. I’m not sure how it works.

OP posts:
DeadButDelicious · 29/10/2017 19:07

So he walked out at four months, has given you the princely sum of £80 this year when he earns 'a LOT' and now he reckons he can tell his daughters primary care giver to hand her over for overnight stays because he suddenly knows what's best re night feeds, breastfeeding and co-sleeping. Is he having a laugh? No. She should stay with you overnight till she's a little more independent and absolutely not until he pays full and proper maintenance, he doesn't get to call the shots when he's barely supporting his daughter. 'Doesn't believe' in set amounts my eye, he's taking the piss.

I know you love him and I know it's hard but you and your daughter deserve so much better than this. You sound like a wonderful mother and you'll have reserves of strength in you, you never thought possible. Do not let him walk all over you like this.

Inertia · 29/10/2017 19:12

Well, the CSA will know how it works.

This man is using your feelings for him to a ) insist on having a breastfed, co-sleeping baby overnight because that's what he wants, and b) to refuse to pay for his baby.

He isn't coming back . He's taking advantage of you and he isn't providing for the baby he claims to be desperate to build a relationship with. Move the control to the CSA.

mycatdoesntlovemeanymore · 29/10/2017 19:41

Sounds like he is getting dividends from his company in addition to a minimum wage salary, so you can apply to the CMO for a variation on his salary so the dividends are taken into account

www.clarkewillmott.com/blog/will-child-maintenance-service-treat-parents-dividends/

Tiddlywinks63 · 29/10/2017 20:01

Would the baby actually be staying with him or is your exMIL going to be looking after her?
He's taking the piss op, put your foot down and stop yearning after him and a fantasy future that isn't going to materialise. Sorry to be so harsh but I bet he's revelling in you pleading for him to return every day.