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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think this bill shouldn't have been split 4 ways

192 replies

stillpinching · 26/10/2017 22:33

I had lunch today with two colleagues - one who, like me is a teacher and the other is a TA (this is relevant).

The other teacher and I both have toddlers and the TA has two children who are teens. The original plan had been an adults only meal, but my childcare fell through and then the other teacher said she would bring her son for mine to play with, and then the TA said she would bring her 14 year old. Tbh, I was a bit put out because her 14 year old attends our school and her being there would limit our ability to gossip . However, I knew it was me who had messed up the adults only thing to begin with so didn't say anything.

The place we went to was a tapas type place where you order a number of dishes, rather than individual meals. DS (2) eats very well and easily ate the most of the three 'children' present . The 14 yr old ate the least, but did request a biggish desert which was described as being for sharing. We all had a little but she had the most having really just picked at the other dishes.

We had a nice time and then the bill came. The other teacher immediately grabbed it and said we're splitting it four ways, no? TA queried it and was told that as her child was more or less an adult this was fair. She pointed out that her daughter had eaten little, but this was brushed aside and the desert was mentioned as having raised the cost. I hate confrontation, but at this point ds was playing up anyway and then before I knew it TA had put money down and stormed out with her daughter.

I am mortified that she has effectively subsidised us having had to pay half the bill while we paid a quarter each, and, aside from anything else, she is paid about half the amount that we both are. I have messaged her but she hasn't replied (not unusual for her tbh) but AIBU to think this wasn't right and to think we should reimburse her on Monday?

OP posts:

PuppyMonkey · 29/10/2017 09:12

I think in this instance everyone should have made a note of how much their meal was on the menu and just paid the amount they owed.

MaisyPops · 29/10/2017 09:15

I love the new excuse for any kind of lack of generosity or meanness on Mumsnet - it would be "patronising" to help someone out.
But she doesn't need helping out!
This is my point. Assuming someone needs helping out is patronising. People are assuming 'poor TA really thise teachers should have paid her meal because they earn more'
I would feel patronised if i went out with people and thry took it upon themselves to decide that i must be struggling and need helping out.

It's not about lack of generosity. There are many ways to show appreciation but someone deciding i need financial assistance because i earn less isn't one.

E.g. 2 friends go for coffee and A says 'I'll get this one my treat' - not patronising
E.g. group of friends go out and 2 higher earners decide they should pay for the lower earner - quitr patronising

cuddlymunchkin · 29/10/2017 09:21

I am a teacher. I am also a recently divorced single mother. My pay is my only income. Am I seriously expected to pay for someone else's meal when we go out just because they personally earn less than me? Some of our TAs have high earning partners. Some have paid off their mortgage. Some, I have no idea about their household income.

As far as I'm concerned, you go out for a meal and pay your own share or split the bill between the adults. (So in the original scenario with the teenage daughter, that wouldn't come into it for me.) But expected to pay for another adult simply based on the fact that I earn more? Really?

lottieandmia22 · 29/10/2017 09:22

I think you are right - it was mean to expect to split it 4 ways because the 14 year old had so little. The other teacher is tight.

lottieandmia22 · 29/10/2017 09:23

Cuddly - the 14 year old wasn’t the only child eating and the op says her 2 year old ate a lot.

mamamalt · 29/10/2017 09:28

I don’t think she is going to let you pay her so you should maybe just get her something to say sorry. Definitely out of order since everyone had a child present that ate.
Why would the 14yo be included as an adult when she’s not?! Surely a group of teachers know this ...

Cheby · 29/10/2017 09:31

And you weren't embarrassed to sponge off people who have worked hard to get to where they are?! Salary has absolutely nothing to do with what you owe when the bill arrives. Trust me that table will have been full of higher earners feeling seriously annoyed but feeling unable to speak up for fear of looking mean

Err nope. We do this at work for big meals out, I am a high earner, I am perfectly happy to pay. Means everyone can come without worrying if they can afford it. I appreciate everyone's company at the meal.

MaisyPops · 29/10/2017 09:34

mama because usually a 14 year old eats more than a 2 year old.

If i was out with friends we wouldn't count toddlers in the bill. We would count older kids though.
Obviously that didn't work out that way in this situation but I can see how someone hastily sorting a bill may think 14 year old who got their own pudding might have had more than a 2 year old.

llangennith · 29/10/2017 09:53

Tricky one this. I can see OP's point and hope she can sort it out with her TA friend. However, if I had taken one of my teens with me to a meal with friends who were bringing toddlers I'd have expected to pay for my teen as well as myself.

RainyApril · 29/10/2017 11:06

If the ta hadn't brought her 14yo what would you have done with the bill?

Split it 3 ways I suspect.

I wonder whether she would've been so miserly about subsidising the two toddlers present?

RainyApril · 29/10/2017 11:08

Also, for those saying to split the bill two ways and treat the ta, how utterly patronising and mortifying for her.

A bit of consideration when choosing the venue, and when splitting the bill, is all that's required to treat friends on lower incomes fairly.

Isabella70 · 30/10/2017 13:15

This is all beginning to remind me of the joke about how India could have stopped Britain colonising the country. You just give the British army a meal at the border then present them with the bill and get on with life while they work out how to split it.

Sweetpea55 · 30/10/2017 13:55

I realise this isn't the same thing but when I was a single mum I did voluntary work for the CAB.
At a monthly meeting a beautiful cake appeared ,for us all to share at the break time with our coffee.
When we get to this part of the meeting, the manager stands up and say that he would like the cake to be shared between our two single mums (thats me and another lady) because we are on benefits and don't have much money,,,Never have I felt so humiliated and embarrassed..or felt so poor and ashamed. Although it was meant in good heart he didn't choose his words carefully enough.......

Pearlsaringer · 30/10/2017 14:04

I’d work out what the third would have been and give her your share of the difference , apologise and tell her you wish you had spoken up at the time
^this

How rotten for the TA, you need to fix this immediately, especially if you work together. The other teacher is bonkers and mean. And it’s all your fault anyway for breaking the adult only rule.

CountDuckulaTheSqueaky · 30/10/2017 14:06

I'd have split it 3 ways. How very odd.

CeriBerry · 31/10/2017 13:13

Those of you saying it’s easier to order separately and pay separately, wou wouldn’t be allowed to in the restaurant where I’m supervisor. We issue one bill per table. We just don’t have the time to create multiple ones for one table. People will start ordering drinks and forget to say which bill is theirs and it just becomes a nightmare. Also, the ones who insist on separate bills (so the order goes into the kitchen on separate orders) are the same ones who will moan that the food for both orders doesn’t then come out at the same time. The kitchen won’t know that it’s meant to be one order so will treat it as two separate ones. So where I work I’m afraid it’s one bill per table. That’s not to say you couldn’t divide up the bill however you wanted- multiple card payments etc so you could easily work out what you wanted to pay for and tell me the amount to put on each card. But only one bill is actually issued per table. (As an anecdote, the few times we have done it in the past for people it invariably ends up as not more than a few pounds difference between bills and thus completely defeats the object).

whiskyowl · 31/10/2017 15:29

ceri - YES! I am always hideously embarrassed if I have to ask for more than one bill. I think it makes everyone look mean and childish, and like they just aren't very used to eating out at nice places - it's petty. I will only do it if it's absolutely necessary, e.g. if a totally separate receipt has to be presented for expenses purposes, and then I'll tip to make up for the hassle.

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