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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this bill shouldn't have been split 4 ways

192 replies

stillpinching · 26/10/2017 22:33

I had lunch today with two colleagues - one who, like me is a teacher and the other is a TA (this is relevant).

The other teacher and I both have toddlers and the TA has two children who are teens. The original plan had been an adults only meal, but my childcare fell through and then the other teacher said she would bring her son for mine to play with, and then the TA said she would bring her 14 year old. Tbh, I was a bit put out because her 14 year old attends our school and her being there would limit our ability to gossip Smile. However, I knew it was me who had messed up the adults only thing to begin with so didn't say anything.

The place we went to was a tapas type place where you order a number of dishes, rather than individual meals. DS (2) eats very well and easily ate the most of the three 'children' present Blush. The 14 yr old ate the least, but did request a biggish desert which was described as being for sharing. We all had a little but she had the most having really just picked at the other dishes.

We had a nice time and then the bill came. The other teacher immediately grabbed it and said we're splitting it four ways, no? TA queried it and was told that as her child was more or less an adult this was fair. She pointed out that her daughter had eaten little, but this was brushed aside and the desert was mentioned as having raised the cost. I hate confrontation, but at this point ds was playing up anyway and then before I knew it TA had put money down and stormed out with her daughter.

I am mortified that she has effectively subsidised us having had to pay half the bill while we paid a quarter each, and, aside from anything else, she is paid about half the amount that we both are. I have messaged her but she hasn't replied (not unusual for her tbh) but AIBU to think this wasn't right and to think we should reimburse her on Monday?

OP posts:
Smeaton · 26/10/2017 23:23

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

lalalalyra · 26/10/2017 23:23

Its different being expected to pay equal share for 2/3 year olds.

It's really not if they eat more than the older child.

If I was the TA I'd be really pissed of with that. The TA has subbed your and other teacher's meal by paying two shares despite her child eating very little.

I'd square her up on Monday and apologise quite profusely in your shoes.

Theimpossiblegirl · 26/10/2017 23:28

It's not that the TA couldn't afford it- she had to pay a larger share of the bill unfairly.

WhataHexIgotinto · 26/10/2017 23:32

Hang on, surely if the TA couldn't afford to go to a tapas bar.. They shouldn't have gone?
And why is it the OPs place to speak up? If the TA had issue they should have spoken up?

Not really about that. The TA paid half the bill, while the other two teachers paid a quarter each. The OP already said that her child actually ate the most.

BewareOfDragons · 26/10/2017 23:32

I think you and your friend owe the TA an apology and reimbursement. I doubt she'll be getting one from your friend, though.

I suspect the friendship may be over after treating her like that, tbh.

Ceto · 26/10/2017 23:37

And why is it the OPs place to speak up? If the TA had issue they should have spoken up?

She did, read the post. It was OP's place to support her.

Starlight2345 · 26/10/2017 23:39

I agree with the other . Split 3 ways .

user1492958275 · 26/10/2017 23:41

Should have been 3 ways.

IF, the teen was the only other child there then ofc I would expect TA to say 'I'll pay for ours' but they wasn't, soo... I wouldn't be lunching with that teacher again.

Hope you can sort it with the TA though OP, let her know that wasn't your thinking.

StickThatInYourPipe · 26/10/2017 23:43

To be honest, I never take friends children into consideration when splitting meals at a restaurant. If my mate and I go out to lunch and het dd comes along I would still split 50/50. It's just so much easier!

YANBU, to be honest the dessert would have cost about £5/6? Really not worth the aggro!

TheDowagerCuntess · 26/10/2017 23:44

OMG, cringe.

How do people have the brass neck to act so rudely to friends...?

Three families, so of course it should have been split three ways. All brought children. All children ate. Why should a toddler be subsidised, but not a 14YO?

Will you say anything to your socially inept friend, or just never eat out with her again?

Mumof56 · 26/10/2017 23:45

The teen didn't eat much and both teachers earn more than the ta, yet the ta paid more?

AppleTrayBake · 26/10/2017 23:51

Definitely should have been a three-way split.

I'm cringing on your behalf at your TA friend flouncing out with her (pupil) DD. She'll have a great half-term story to tell her friends when you're all back at school Blush

charlestonchaplin · 26/10/2017 23:52

I hate cowardly 'confrontation avoiders'. You look away while injustices are going on right under your nose and don't speak up when people are being bullied or mocked to avoid attracting attention. What a horrible world this would be if everyone was like you. Grow a little backbone!

Oxcheeks · 26/10/2017 23:55

Three adults, two toddlers and a teen that ate hardly any tapas but wanted a dessert, definitely should have been split three ways. TAs earn much less than teachers, if she had rocked up with her daughter who had eaten as much or more than the adults, then yes it would probably have been okay to split four ways. I'm not surprised she's pissed off

FluffyPineapple · 26/10/2017 23:57

If I took my teen for lunch with friends and their children and my teen ordered from the adult menu and the other children ordered from the kids menu I would definitely pay for mine and the teens food.

However, as you all agreed to share food that is meant for sharing I think you should have shared the bill 3 ways, regardless of who ate what. If teacher friend's dc wanted more dessert you should have ordered another dessert and shared it - and added it to the bill to share between you.

Its bloody hard work going out for lunch with friends. There is always someone who complains that someone else had more food/drinks than themselves.

Yaley · 27/10/2017 00:10

Two things jump out at me:

You should have spoken up at the time.

The TA was immature to stomp off.

thecatfromjapan · 27/10/2017 00:35

It's hideous behaviour. I'm sorry but I'm not buying your 'it was over so quickly I couldn't do anything' excuse.

Are you scared of this other teacher? Do you rely on her support in some way? I can see why you would be, she sounds grim. I think something like that must be at the bottom of it because you clearly realise it was wrong.

GetOutOfMYGarden · 27/10/2017 00:39

Should be split 3 ways. Especially since the TA is earning less than you both!

thecatfromjapan · 27/10/2017 00:46

The more I think about this, the more I think I'm right that there was a power dynamic in this. That's why it happened, that's why you didn't say anything, and that's why you feel bad about it.

I really don't think it was a good idea to go along with hideous woman. TA will have been perfectly aware of the power dynamics and I'm guessing you've lost a friend there. Hideous woman doesn't give a stuff about 'friends', and doesn't need friends. I'm guessing you do, for some reason.

I'd definitely have a chat with TA on Monday - but don't over-do it.

Shadow666 · 27/10/2017 01:24

Skarossinkplunger
Yep, that’s why I said between 5. However I didn’t realise there was 3 children there. I take it the other child ate also? Then, yes between three would be right.

It was all in the OP

mrsharrison · 27/10/2017 01:27

Not only did this woman treat the TA badly but she disrespected you OP by presuming to speak for you when she demanded a four way split. You dont like confrontation OP, a lot of us dont, but life has a habit of forcing us into it on occasions like this. I hope you speak to them both. It will be a weight off your mind when you do.

CakesRUs · 27/10/2017 02:30

It’s not too late to correct this. 3 ways is fair, I’d deal with this asap.

Only1scoop · 27/10/2017 02:37

How hideously embarrassing

Cringing inwardly for you

Speak up

emmyrose2000 · 27/10/2017 02:56

I'm so glad no one I know thinks splitting bills is the way to go. We all just pay for what we/our families have consumed. It makes it so much easier to avoid rubbish scenarios like this.

But in answer to this particular situation, yes, the bill should've been split three ways.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 27/10/2017 03:38

I wouldn't have split the bill 4 ways either. I don't think that's fair at all! I can see why the TA is pissed off :(