Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this bill shouldn't have been split 4 ways

192 replies

stillpinching · 26/10/2017 22:33

I had lunch today with two colleagues - one who, like me is a teacher and the other is a TA (this is relevant).

The other teacher and I both have toddlers and the TA has two children who are teens. The original plan had been an adults only meal, but my childcare fell through and then the other teacher said she would bring her son for mine to play with, and then the TA said she would bring her 14 year old. Tbh, I was a bit put out because her 14 year old attends our school and her being there would limit our ability to gossip Smile. However, I knew it was me who had messed up the adults only thing to begin with so didn't say anything.

The place we went to was a tapas type place where you order a number of dishes, rather than individual meals. DS (2) eats very well and easily ate the most of the three 'children' present Blush. The 14 yr old ate the least, but did request a biggish desert which was described as being for sharing. We all had a little but she had the most having really just picked at the other dishes.

We had a nice time and then the bill came. The other teacher immediately grabbed it and said we're splitting it four ways, no? TA queried it and was told that as her child was more or less an adult this was fair. She pointed out that her daughter had eaten little, but this was brushed aside and the desert was mentioned as having raised the cost. I hate confrontation, but at this point ds was playing up anyway and then before I knew it TA had put money down and stormed out with her daughter.

I am mortified that she has effectively subsidised us having had to pay half the bill while we paid a quarter each, and, aside from anything else, she is paid about half the amount that we both are. I have messaged her but she hasn't replied (not unusual for her tbh) but AIBU to think this wasn't right and to think we should reimburse her on Monday?

OP posts:
TunnelofLove485 · 27/10/2017 10:05

Christ just pay for your own food! Why do people feel they even have to split the bill?! It really isn’t rude to just say let’s pay for our own family. Espexially when people have differing budgets.

TunnelofLove485 · 27/10/2017 10:07

Just to add, OP you are right to give the TA some money Smile

thecatfromjapan · 27/10/2017 10:11

Stillpinching I'm really glad to hear that you and TA have sorted it out.

If she has a prior relationship with hideous horse woman, it's not really down to you to sort out, to be honest. It sounds as though horse woman was there because of relationship with TA. In that case, she's kind of TA's responsibility - not yours.

I'm sorry if I came across as attacking your personality. That wasn't the intention. My intention (even if it came across poorly) was to understand how the situation arose, and how to handle it - and perhaps to help with insight, which also helps to resolve things.

I did write a longer post but I'm not sure it would have been helpful. I suspect there's a little bit more going on, and it's about how you feel about your own authority - but you have all the time in the world to work on that. A real belief in your self-worth (not arrogance, just a real self-acceptance and knowledge of your values/boundaries) is great for assertiveness - but even more importantly, it is a real gift for your happiness and success in life.

I hope I don't sound horrible going on about this in the context of a meal out. It's just that I have a theory that things like this 'blip' on our personal emotional radar for a reason. I reckon that you are actually on the brink of making some big changes with your self-confidence. You're changing. That's why you were troubled about the event (small though it is). You're making a shift in your way of operating in the world. I think you're actually already in the process of becoming more assertive and self-confident.

VodkaPenne · 27/10/2017 10:13

tunneloflove how with a tapas style sharing meal would you all pay for what you ate?

@stillpinching I am glad your friend isn’t cross with you. I doubt her friendship with the other one will survive but at least you two will be okay.

ouchthathurtsabit · 27/10/2017 10:17

Split between five. Get your purse our two year old.

^^thisGrin

cheeseandpineapple · 27/10/2017 10:22

“Not sure what to do about other friend”

Text her and let her know you were distracted when it came to bill splitting, you think it should have been split 3 ways and you’re going to pay the difference to TA friend on Monday.

And just leave it at that, will be up to your friend what she chooses to do but you will have done your bit.

2014newme · 27/10/2017 10:22

@MyBrilliantDisguise how would you do seperate checks for tapas where you've all shared?
I'd gave split the meal 3 ways and Tamsin could pay for the dessert.
You were a bit mean op to be busy when the bill came so you didn't have to join in discussion as to how it was payed. That's real conflict avoidance but last left TA with half the bill!

cushioncovers · 27/10/2017 10:24

If you’ve eaten it you pay for it regardless of your income. IMO, I’m a single parent on a low income so when I go out I’m aware of the prices and order what I’m comfortable paying for and if I know I’m not going to be able to afford it I don’t go.

In the ops case I’d say three adults each with one child who ate similar amounts so the bill should of been split three ways.

thecatfromjapan · 27/10/2017 10:26

There is one other aspect that might be what's bothering you. Please don't answer this on the board , it's just for you to think about, if ,and only if, it's relevant. Are you senior to horse woman? Is this actually about how you feel at work?

Please don't answer this. If it's relevant, it's probably best dealt with in another, disguised, thread, dealing with that specifically.

thecatfromjapan · 27/10/2017 10:29

I like cheeseandpineapple's suggestion. It's open, clear, and not overly-involved.

Isabella70 · 27/10/2017 10:43

Seeming as TAs are paid a pittance in comparison to teachers,

We frequently have meals which involve two groups of people on quite different incomes. We usually solve the problem by the higher-paid group offering to pay for the drinks then splitting the rest equally, it usually works out well.

2014newme · 27/10/2017 10:46

Never come across a situation where a higher paid group pay more if the bill, that's a bit odd!

MaisyPops · 27/10/2017 10:51

2014newme
Me neither.
When people go out they cover their own.
I have friends who earn more than me, but their rent is also almost twice mine. I wouldn't expect them to cover some of my meal out of sympathy that I earn less.

2014newme · 27/10/2017 10:56

Exactly, you'd need to do a forensic analysis of everyone's income and outgoings. How embarrassing. And how patronising to the 'lower income' people. Whose to say they haven't got a trust fund worth millions.

DrKrogersfavouritepatient · 27/10/2017 10:56

Splitting 3 ways would have been fair. Each adult pays for their child.

messyjessy17 · 27/10/2017 11:09

Christ just pay for your own food! Why do people feel they even have to split the bill?! It really isn’t rude to just say let’s pay for our own family

It's tapas! Unless you order separately, eat separately and then pay separately, you can't. All of which defeats the point of tapas.

OP is entirely right. Though actually if I was TA I would have split three ways but paid for the dessert myself.

LemonysSnicket · 27/10/2017 11:21

Yeah you split between adults not kids .... although I find it really really weird she’d bring a teenager ... v different from toddlers.

cushioncovers · 27/10/2017 11:39

Never come across a situation where a higher paid group pay more if the bill, that's a bit odd!

Me neither I work with people (NHS) that are on a low wage like myself but they only work one or two days a week for a bit extra income as their spouse is the main wage earner and earns a high income.* I also work with people who are at the higher end of the pay scale working full time but are the sole wage earner and so have no more spare income than anyone else.* What you earn is irrelevant imo

cushioncovers · 27/10/2017 11:40

Don’t know why the second part was in bold

Yaley · 27/10/2017 11:46

How much was each 4 part share? You're planning to give her a third of a 4 part share?

I don't think your TA friend comes off very well in this. She is cheeky to have assumed others would chip in for her teenager's meal and then have a strop when it didn't go that way. Her salary is irrelevant. If she couldn't afford to eat out she shouldn't have agreed to join you.

Tapas is never a good option if you're planning to split the bill. Everybody thinks they ate less than everyone else.

SoupDragon · 27/10/2017 11:52

I don't think your TA friend comes off very well in this. She is cheeky to have assumed others would chip in for her teenager's meal and then have a strop when it didn't go that way.

But the teacher is OK to assume someone will chip in for her child's meal?

Floralnomad · 27/10/2017 11:54

I agree with cheeseand pineapple as well , that way she knows your opinion but what she cares to do about it is up to her . I actually think it's a bit insulting to not split a bill equally because someone is lower paid . One of my best friends is considerable worse off than me so on the occasions we eat out I make it clear from the start that it's a late birthday / early Christmas/ anniversary of some kind / my idea and that I am paying for it all . If I can't fit it into one of those categories I generally do something at home . Probably just as patronising but it works for us and we've been friends for 30 yrs .

MrsHathaway · 27/10/2017 12:01

Though actually if I was TA I would have split three ways but paid for the dessert myself.

Yes, I agree.

Tapas has to be split equally between participants (in this case between six, with each adult paying for two, so 1/3 each in total) as do bottles of wine. Individual puddings or other dishes, or single-serving drinks such as a bottle of beer or Coke, can be paid for separately.

There must be more to this, like one of them having a habit of taking the piss, or being horribly short of money just this week and having confided in the other. I think it's probably 50/50 whether TeacherFriend or TAFriend could be the piss-artist but they're clearly not good friends at the moment.

I know people laugh at Nando's but it's very good for this kind of situation where you explicitly pay for your own in advance and the DC can entertain themselves getting a million drinks refills, etc.

RedForFilth · 27/10/2017 12:16

I think you've done the right thing OP.

I've also never heard of bill splitting according to income! I'm a single parent and on a much lower income than one of my groups of friends (all married to people who earn a lot) and often they choose to go to places I can't afford. I just don't go to them and only go to things I can afford to do, common sense! I also ensure if we do go for a meal I can't afford to split the bill and will just pay for myself. Obviously wouldn't work with tapas but then I wouldn't go to a tapas restaurant for fear of being skint at the end of it!

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 27/10/2017 12:29

When we were younger and used to go out in a group, there was one of us who was distinctly lower paid than the rest. Because of this, we would eat somewhere we knew she could afford when she was with us, and, while she paid only for what she had, we'd split the rest evenly between us (except for alcohol, we paid more if we'd had wine).

This wasn't patronising, it was to allow our friend to join us on terms she could manage - she couldn't and wouldn't have come if she had to pay an even share, when she would likely have had the cheapest thing on the menu.

I imagine the OP knows what the full bill was. She would therefore be able to work out the difference between a 1/4 share and a 1/3 share, and pay that difference to the TA. It would still leave the TA out of pocket (unless the OP doubled that to account for horsey teacher's share as well) but slightly less out of pocket.

Swipe left for the next trending thread