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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this bill shouldn't have been split 4 ways

192 replies

stillpinching · 26/10/2017 22:33

I had lunch today with two colleagues - one who, like me is a teacher and the other is a TA (this is relevant).

The other teacher and I both have toddlers and the TA has two children who are teens. The original plan had been an adults only meal, but my childcare fell through and then the other teacher said she would bring her son for mine to play with, and then the TA said she would bring her 14 year old. Tbh, I was a bit put out because her 14 year old attends our school and her being there would limit our ability to gossip Smile. However, I knew it was me who had messed up the adults only thing to begin with so didn't say anything.

The place we went to was a tapas type place where you order a number of dishes, rather than individual meals. DS (2) eats very well and easily ate the most of the three 'children' present Blush. The 14 yr old ate the least, but did request a biggish desert which was described as being for sharing. We all had a little but she had the most having really just picked at the other dishes.

We had a nice time and then the bill came. The other teacher immediately grabbed it and said we're splitting it four ways, no? TA queried it and was told that as her child was more or less an adult this was fair. She pointed out that her daughter had eaten little, but this was brushed aside and the desert was mentioned as having raised the cost. I hate confrontation, but at this point ds was playing up anyway and then before I knew it TA had put money down and stormed out with her daughter.

I am mortified that she has effectively subsidised us having had to pay half the bill while we paid a quarter each, and, aside from anything else, she is paid about half the amount that we both are. I have messaged her but she hasn't replied (not unusual for her tbh) but AIBU to think this wasn't right and to think we should reimburse her on Monday?

OP posts:
claraschu · 27/10/2017 04:54

Nice that it is a person who underpaid feeling outraged for once! The OP feels bad about making a mistake. Why are people criticising her?

OP, if I were you I would write a note or message to the TA saying that you were flustered and uncomfortable at the restaurant, and feel bad that you didn't speak up, but that you are giving her £xx to make the bill fair. I would also tell her that you have talked to the other teacher about it, because you felt bad that you didn't say something at the time.

TheDowagerCuntess · 27/10/2017 04:57

Nice that it is a person who underpaid feeling outraged for once! The OP feels bad about making a mistake. Why are people criticising her?

Exactly.

Why do people have to be so vicious? Easy to be confrontational from behind a screen.

AJPTaylor · 27/10/2017 05:12

in your shoes i would now
work out the difference between the half bill and the third bill.
i would put that in a card with a proper apology.
it would colour my judgement of other friend

PlumpAndPlain · 27/10/2017 05:25

The TA being paid less could be irrelevant. I had this argument at my school when someone suggested that teachers and TAs paid different prices for something. I was a newly qualified teacher on the lowest pay grade with DH as a SAHD. Some of the TAs didn't need to work (by their own admission) and had partners with very well paid jobs - some 6 figures salaries were not rare.
Saying all that, as you each had a child, splitting 3 ways would have been fair

ilovesooty · 27/10/2017 05:44

I'm glad some people have mentioned the criticism of the OP - there are some nasty comments here.
The OP clearly feels bad which is why she posted, and it's not unusual to feel really uncomfortable with confrontational situations and not speak up at the time.
Yes it should have been split three ways but the OP wants to put it right.

charlestonchaplin · 27/10/2017 06:45

Easy to be confrontational behind a screen? You've clearly never met me. I have never been a 'bend-with-the-wind', 'go-with-the-majority', 'follow-the-crowd' person. I don't 'pile-in' and I often stand on my own and take a different stance from others. On here and in real life.

It's awkward standing out. Sometimes you're seen as difficult or weird but it would be a lot easier if so many people weren't so desperate to blend in, be part of the 'in-crowd' or sit so very firmly on the fence.

The OP got the sharp end of my tongue probably because this has been on my mind recently but I stand by every word. People say, 'I avoid confrontation' as if it is sufficient explanation for their behaviour. It isn't. Recognise it as a flaw and actively work on it. I see that the OP wants to put the situation right (not sure whether I read that far before) but in real life people often don't put things right, or confront the difficult situation, whatever their private thoughts. It's too easy to think, 'Oh well, it's done now'. Perhaps the fact that the OP will continue to see her TA colleague and feel the guilt every time means this incident isn't so easy to brush aside.

Original poster
stillpinching · 27/10/2017 07:03

People say, 'I avoid confrontation' as if it is sufficient explanation for their behaviour. It isn't. Recognise it as a flaw and actively work on it.

Well, I wasn't trying to justify myself but it was an explanation for why I didn't speak up, that and the extreme speed at which things happened and ds trying to dismantle a condiment holder. The thread was about the bill, not my character in general. Fwiw, I do agree I need to be more assertive but I often find people say stuff like "I tell it like it is blah blah..." to excuse extreme rudeness, so it goes both ways.

Anyway, TA messaged me back last night and was lovely and said she wasn't angry with me at all but left quickly as she didn't want a row in public and with her dd there - she is not afraid of confrontation! I will give her my share on Monday and I'm not sure what to do about other friend. We have not known her for as long as each other and she and TA share a niche hobby (Ok, I won't be obtuse about mysterious hobbies - they both have a horse) which has bonded them a bit. But she (teacher) is quite a 'strong' character who can be a bit dominating really. I will raise it with her and see how it goes...

OP posts:
claraschu · 27/10/2017 07:04

The OP posted because she felt bad. I think she is working on her flaw. Are you?

claraschu · 27/10/2017 07:07

Sorry that was meant for charlestonchaplin

londonrach · 27/10/2017 07:08

Separate bills in this case

claraschu · 27/10/2017 07:09

OP, how lovely that the TA was nice about it.

Horsey people have a certain reputation, not wholly undeserved. Teacher friend sounds very horsey.

lljkk · 27/10/2017 07:25

You sound like nice person, OP. Glad you're working it all out with the TA.

DianaT1969 · 27/10/2017 07:33

I don't know why you didn't speak up? It only takes a second to over-rule the other teacher and say "that's not fair, let's split it 3 ways". The 14 year old obviously isn't working and earning money and all children ate.
Few people enjoy confrontation but it doesn't mean you should be a pushover when you know something is wrong. Your child needing your attention at the time the bill was being worked out also doesn't stop you speaking up for a few seconds.
That TA will lump you both together now for being tightwads.

DianaT1969 · 27/10/2017 07:34

Sorry, cross post. The not speaking up at the time has been discussed.

whiskyowl · 27/10/2017 07:39

My personal rule on this is that, in cases of doubt, the bill is subtly and quietly divided up in such a way that those with the most money pay slightly more and those with the least pay slightly less.

So in this case I'd have split it 3 ways, bearing in mind the difference between a TA's salary and a teacher's.

I think it's ugly, ungracious and awful to have a dispute about the bill at the end of a meal. So mean, so small-minded. I would have been cringing with utter embarrassment at the other teacher's behaviour, to the point that I'd have avoided ever going out for a meal with them again.

charlestonchaplin · 27/10/2017 07:46

I'm not trying to excuse rudeness, OP. If you find what I have to say rude, then you're the one with the problem. I don't care whether you think I'm rude or not. Good manners are nice but not at the expense of more valuable attributes like honesty, integrity and being able to publicly stand against what you believe to be wrong.

Minnn · 27/10/2017 07:50

My personal rule on this is that, in cases of doubt, the bill is subtly and quietly divided up in such a way that those with the most money pay slightly more and those with the least pay slightly less

How patronising. The TA doesn't necessarily have the least money! She could have a lottery win/massive inheritance/successful business on the side/redundancy payout/minted DH etc etc.

whiskyowl · 27/10/2017 07:54

Miiinnnn - Duuuuuh, in which case that would be factored into the calculation and the bill would be split 4 ways.

However, the fact that the OP opens her post by mentioning the fact that she and her friend are teachers, and the other woman is a TA and adds "This is relevant" makes me think that this TA happens not to be a multi-millionnaire, because it implies that the "relevance" is that the TA has a lower household income. I'd say that's a more evidence-based assumption than the idea that she is a lottery winner.

frieda909 · 27/10/2017 08:10

I went for a meal out recently with my whole department, and when the bill came someone suggested that everyone on salary band 4 and above paid £30, band 5 paid £25 and band 6 paid £20 (where band 6 are the lowest paid!)

I thought it was a really nice gesture, and an acknowledgment of the fact that for those of us in band 6, meals out are a pretty rare treat.

WhataHexIgotinto · 27/10/2017 08:12

I'm not trying to excuse rudeness, OP. If you find what I have to say rude, then you're the one with the problem. I don't care whether you think I'm rude or not. Good manners are nice but not at the expense of more valuable attributes like honesty, integrity and being able to publicly stand against what you believe to be wrong.

Goodness Charles, you do understand that it's perfectly possible to have both good manners, honesty and integrity don't you? The OP said it all happened very quickly while she was dealing with her toddler, I have no reason to doubt her as I wasn't there and presumably you weren't either. She is now trying to rectify the situation with the TA and seems to be doing so successfully.

I'm sure you don't care if someone thinks you rude, people who claim they 'tell it as it is', 'bend with the wind' or whatever other statement they use which they think impresses people, seldom do.

I don't think there's any excuse for being unpleasant to the OP in these circumstances and telling her that she has a problem because she found you rude, suggests that you are unable, or unwilling, to consider your own flaws. No surprise.

MrsBirdseye · 27/10/2017 08:40

you should have had separate bills and pay for what each of you had ordered.

SonicBoomBoom · 27/10/2017 08:49

I would have split that particular bill three ways, given the amount of food eaten by the 2 and 14 year old.

I'd definitely give her your share on Monday like you suggested.

SilverSpot · 27/10/2017 08:50

Thats a 3 way split.

Peachyking000 · 27/10/2017 08:55

I agree a 3 way split should have been made. When I go out with friends and our children, we reward just divide by number of adults, regardless of ages of children or who eats what.

I think it'll be hard to return the money without offending - I'd get a voucher to the same value and small box of sweets, and a nice apology card.

rookiemere · 27/10/2017 09:14

Its interesting that TA only brought her DD along once she knew other DCs were going. I suspect that - perhaps subconsciously- she did it so she wouldn't be stiffed into paying for others DCs .

I think the fairest thing would have been to try and work out an equitable split.

We go on holiday with friends and I used to be happy to split the bill in family groups even though they have 2 DCs and we have 1, but when they got older and they started drinking cans of coke and expensive smoothies along with adult meals - whilst our plain eating DS was still on the kids menu and water - the differential started to be pretty significant .

I think my friend may have picked up on my vibes as she now suggests that we each pay our own share. NB more than happy to split the bill equally when its just the 3 friends - differential between a glass of wine or not is small when divided, but I just resented paying for their DCs gourmet habits when it meant we were paying £20 +more than we owed.

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