To think this bill shouldn't have been split 4 ways

[stillpinching]

I had lunch today with two colleagues - one who, like me is a teacher and the other is a TA (this is relevant).

The other teacher and I both have toddlers and the TA has two children who are teens. The original plan had been an adults only meal, but my childcare fell through and then the other teacher said she would bring her son for mine to play with, and then the TA said she would bring her 14 year old. Tbh, I was a bit put out because her 14 year old attends our school and her being there would limit our ability to gossip . However, I knew it was me who had messed up the adults only thing to begin with so didn't say anything.

The place we went to was a tapas type place where you order a number of dishes, rather than individual meals. DS (2) eats very well and easily ate the most of the three 'children' present . The 14 yr old ate the least, but did request a biggish desert which was described as being for sharing. We all had a little but she had the most having really just picked at the other dishes.

We had a nice time and then the bill came. The other teacher immediately grabbed it and said we're splitting it four ways, no? TA queried it and was told that as her child was more or less an adult this was fair. She pointed out that her daughter had eaten little, but this was brushed aside and the desert was mentioned as having raised the cost. I hate confrontation, but at this point ds was playing up anyway and then before I knew it TA had put money down and stormed out with her daughter.

I am mortified that she has effectively subsidised us having had to pay half the bill while we paid a quarter each, and, aside from anything else, she is paid about half the amount that we both are. I have messaged her but she hasn't replied (not unusual for her tbh) but AIBU to think this wasn't right and to think we should reimburse her on Monday?

And just to show that there are many different types of people on MN - and, indeed, throughout the world, I don't mind splitting bills to ensure my less well-off friends can come out.

I figure that being a little caring towards others makes for a kinder world.

I agree Japan, though according to a PP that makes us 'a bit thick'. 😂

I find the inability to understand someone else's point of view on here, without resorting to name calling, a bit bizarre sometimes.

Hi op I'm glad things are sorted with you and the ta.
Fwiw I think the bill should have been split 3 ways.
I also don't see the problem with the ta bringing her child. Nobody's child is more important than anyone else's.
It's either adults only or all dcs welcome.

Regardless of what any of the DC actually ate, enough food was ordered for 3 families of two. So a 3 way split.

How utterly bizarre to split a bill based on income! I never discuss my finances with anyone but my DH, and aren't really aware of what anyone else earns either. I just can't imagine a conversation where we need to discuss our wages before settling a bill. Besides, just because I earn X doesn't mean my family's income isn't a lot more than that overall due to other incomings, which means I could theoretically be better off then someone who personally earns more but has a lower household income.

Threads like this make me so glad that my friends and family just pay for what they consume and don't expect others to subsisise them if they eat/drink more than other dining companions.

Whoever had the extra dessert in this scenario should've paid for it themselves. How rude and greedy not to!

It's just lunch, you're not applying for a mortgage!

Surely the bill can't have been that high?

I think the bill should be spilt between adults present x

It's hard when it comes to eating out, even more so when DC's are involved. It was stingy of the teacher, considering you get paid loads more.

Go with your gut instincts.

I'd probably have worked out the bill based on what was actually eaten. It might have made more sense for the bill to be in fifths and the other teacher just paying one fifth. I'd probably give the TA one fifth back and say you felt bad as your kid ate loads too. I think thirds would have been fine too!

I hate places like this as it causes so much conflict.
I'd rather just have a straight forward meal and each pay for our own.

The other teacher is a penny pinching bitch.

Pay the TA what you would owe her and next time, don’t invite the other teacher.

I’ve had the separate cheques in Canada but if there is wine drunk the bill is given to one person so you still have to split the bill.

Oooo I really HATE it when people quibble about bills. You should have split it 3 ways. Your other friend is tight imo.

Regarding the higher paid paying more, it's a pass it on tradition. It doesn't mean anyone is annoyed and it's probably the higher paid who suggested it, having benefited when they were younger.

They are paying more now because they paid less before they moved up the pay grade.

It's nice to be able to to treat people, and it's nice to be able to pass that gesture on. It works out, but in a different way.

I think the meal should have been split just between the teachers. I never get my pa to contribute to a meal with me and other colleagues no matter how much she eats or drinks. It’s just not the done thing to do. You treat the people who work for you, it’s basic manners!

But they all had 1 child each? So splitting it 3 ways would have made the most sense surely? Each adult would then be paying for themselves and their 1 child x

Cannot be bothered with this kind of situation either spkiþ by the number of adults responsible for a brood of children or, tally up your own Bill and pay your own share.

I think if your colleague wasn’t willing to go three ways the bill should have been itemised and each paid what you and your kids ate.

I would tell both you think this was out of order and offer to compensate, if not with cash then with a coffee or other nice treat.

IMO it should have been split 2 ways. Treat your TA for heaven’s sake ! And I speak as a teacher.

Indya good point!

"And you weren't embarrassed to sponge off people who have worked hard to get to where they are?! Salary has absolutely nothing to do with what you owe when the bill arrives. Trust me that table will have been full of higher earners feeling seriously annoyed but feeling unable to speak up for fear of looking mean"

Wow, you are a seriously mean-spirited person.

I guarantee you will have been alone in thinking this way. This has always been the arrangement for work meals etc where I am, and it works well. I say that as someone who does not benefit financially from this arrangement.

Hooray for those of more generous spirit who are saying treat the TA!

indya
Treating a TA would be a small gift or something. Not all agreeing to go out and fhen covering her food.
I would feel quite patronised by that.

Plus, they are not 'our' TAs. They are teaching assistants who work for the school. When I hear teachers saying 'my TA' it makes me cringe a little. They aren't.

I love the new excuse for any kind of lack of generosity or meanness on Mumsnet - it would be "patronising" to help someone out.

Patronising, in my experience, is far more about the style in which things are done than the actual actions. Make a big song and dance about treating someone and it's embarrassing. Do it subtly and quietly and it's lovely.

Going out for lunch with your friends shouldn't involve some quadratic equation based on your realtive earnings. I would assume that my friends know what their budget is and order accordingly . My role is to ensure that the bill is divided fairly not enact social justice at the dinner table.