Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Men keep ignoring me in my own bloody shop

357 replies

Kitee · 26/10/2017 16:33

I own a small local shop that sells office supplies/ printing equipment etc amongst other things.

I have been noticing lately that men COMPLETELY blank me in favour of my male colleague whom I have recently employed - let’s call him Joe (until then it was just me so they had no other option)

For example, yesterday a woman came in with her husband. I greeted them and asked if I could help with anything. He started to reply to me and then when he noticed Joe he just turned his back on me and continued what he was saying to Joe. I was so angry! It’s my shop!

Second example, a man came in with a list of items he needed which included product codes etc. Once again I greeted him warmly and he walked straight past me, did not even acknowledge me, to make a beeline for Joe.

I’m seriously getting fed up of this.

I know not ALL MEN do this.

I don’t know if they even realise they are doing it?

It’s pretty disheartening to be honest, I feel like I’m not taken as seriously and it’s presumed that I just don’t know what I’m talking about.

Anyone else experienced this or have any way of dealing with it?

AIBU to wear a big sign round my neck staying that I am more than capable of serving you in my own shop? Angry Grin

OP posts:
Kewcumber · 29/10/2017 18:28

In fact now I think of it there was a thread some years ago where the OP was asking some question or other about cleaners (I htink whether it's reasonable to have a cleaner on maternity leave or similar) which I answered along the lines of "dear god I've been unemployed and kept my cleaner on".

It was a fairly lighthearted thread with no controversy.

Some toss pot journo picked it up (in the days before it was common) and described me as a wife of a City type in leafy Kew giving the cleaner orders with not much else to do and the OP as something similar and too lazy to do her own cleaning despite being at home.

Someone on the thread had met me in real life and kindly commented on the article, pointing out that I was a single mother (so not wifey of any City type) and was in fact the CIty type myself. And that the OP was about 38 weeks pregnant with OP and was herself a lawyer!

The article was pulled but the assumptions were breathtaking. Can you imagine two men discussing their cleaners and some journalist just deciding that they must be men sitting at home with nothing better to do than give the cleaner orders?

Kewcumber · 29/10/2017 18:29

pregant with SPD not OP!

Toffeelatteplease · 29/10/2017 18:31

I've never experienced it either.

The bill tends to get given to whoever asks for it and the card always gets returned to me if if asked for the bill. Servers general ask who wants to taste the wine. I find Car salesmen talk to whoever approaches them first, they change if you make it clear whose buying

I've had window sales staff ask whether ive checked with my husband but then they explained in the same breathe that they prefer to check all householders agree the purchase. No one checks whether men get the same thing in reverse or if a man would even notice if they did.

I do wonder if it is about the way men and women present themselves. I have a child with SN, we have different surnames. if medical professionals etc call me up they phone me up or I haven't made it clear,they will always ask for Mrs DS's surname. If I get in first and introduce myself as Ms latteplease DS'so mum or correct them, they refer to me as that. People make assumptions.

topcat2014 · 29/10/2017 18:32

I have often had this in reverse. I am a finance director, (male), usually of engineering firms. Often we have employed female engineers / technical folk.

As soon as I answer the phone (we are a small company) the caller launches off into great speils about their problems - assuming, being male, I can help.

I understand the lingo, but, as soon as I can butt in, I have to refer them on to female colleagues.

Fragglewump · 29/10/2017 18:32

I had a male sales guy......yes you Nissan Salisbury refuse to sell me a guy until he had checked with my husband...........Shock

Kewcumber · 29/10/2017 19:05

I've never experienced it either.

That's good - it gives me hope!

However I'm pretty sure that men have rarely (VERY rarely) experienced these kind of assumptions whereas I think it is reasonably common for women.

Daisymaybe60 · 29/10/2017 19:42

Things are way better than when I started work nearly 50 years ago, but.... We had a young financial advisor round a couple of years ago who asked us for our occupations. He couldn't find either job title on his list, so decided he'd put me down as secretary (I managed 35 people) and DH as office manager (he was working as a part-time agency clerk). Guess how much business he got from us that evening?

My boss used to do the meeting and greeting at the front door when interviewees arrived, without introducing herself, as part of the process. Those who treated her as if she were obviously unworthy of their attention or courtesy had a bit of catching up to do.

I find it incredible that people are still shocked or surprised by a woman doctor or a female truck driver or (my favourite) a lady policeman. Grin

emojis · 29/10/2017 19:43

I grew up with my dad always saying ask the wife and that's all my husband ever says. I don't think I have ever known a man make a decision without a woman's input, including my brother. Maybe we are weird!

IfyouseeRitaMoreno · 29/10/2017 19:44

I do wonder if it is about the way men and women present themselves.
Yes that’ll be what it is.

AppleKatie · 29/10/2017 19:51

Must be a fault with Women definitely isn't the fault of the men who do this 🙄

emojis · 29/10/2017 19:53

I suppose we all subscribe to our own world view. I would talk to the woman as wouldn't think many husbands would go ahead with things without their wife's permission, whereas women just arrange what they want.

BriechonCheese · 29/10/2017 19:54

Fraggle
I have had the same! Once when renting an office space for my business (which my husband is not a part of) and secondly when buying my most recent car.
"Why don't you come back when your husband is around so I can explain it to both of you?" OR how about I take my cash elsewhere and buy it from someone who treats women like equals.

Kewcumber · 29/10/2017 20:21

I don't think I have ever known a man make a decision without a woman's input

Have you never worked?!

Kewcumber · 29/10/2017 20:22

I do wonder if it is about the way men and women present themselves.
Yes that’ll be what it is.

Grin
MrsHathaway · 29/10/2017 20:28

My boss used to do the meeting and greeting at the front door when interviewees arrived, without introducing herself, as part of the process. Those who treated her as if she were obviously unworthy of their attention or courtesy had a bit of catching up to do.

Thing is, this is fucking stupid even if all the women are junior to all the men. If you want the job, you're on trial from your very first contact with the company and certainly the second you step in the door. Being pleasant to every single potential colleague is surely Rule 1 of jobhunting ... !

Mxyzptlk · 29/10/2017 20:29

I've had window sales staff ask whether ive checked with my husband but then they explained in the same breathe that they prefer to check all householders agree the purchase.

Maybe they could just say the householders bit then, without the husband bit.

emojis · 29/10/2017 20:34

I know they have in a work context, but my current workplace is mainly women and there is 2000 employees. I work, dh is a SAHD. My mum made 4 times the amount my dad made. I am probably a bit of a reverse sexist in a lot of ways, which is probably just as bad. It's upbringing though, isn't it? It's hard to change how you think and I just set up my life to match my childhood.

AppleKatie · 29/10/2017 20:41

You are a statistical anomaly then emoji the simple fact is the vast majority of us don't have mothers who significantly outearned our fathers.

And if the stats on the gender pay gap are anything to go by most of us are not out earning our DHs now.

emojis · 29/10/2017 20:47

I was brought up with my dad saying men like to be told what to do, men like to be under the thumb as it's comfortable there, you're the woman so it's always your decision and that's what makes a happy marriage.

I can see how people end up folloeing the patriachal way if that is how they have been brought up. I always used to go out with men with exactly the same personalities. You do what you know and repeat it. I have been with dh since I was 18 and he does all the cooking and cleaning, but would have no clue how to run the finances, arrange a mortgage, talk to a salesman or anything else.

When we bought our first place me and my mum just arranged it and brought dh down when required to sign what he needed. No way on earth could I imagine dh or my dad doing that without a woman there. That would be a cause for laughter round our dinnertable!

Bodicea · 29/10/2017 20:50

I’m a radiographer. Of all the allied proffesionals it’s the most evenly split between male and female. Patients generally refer to me as a nurse and my male colleagues as a Dr. It is particularly annoying when working with a male student. In a previous hospital it was worse as the men wore any shirt and trousers with a white lab coat while the women wore tunics and regulation burdgundy trousers ( lovely i tell you!).
Blatant sexism in our uniform differences.
At least at my current hospital the men have to wear a similar sort of dentist type tunic.

Daisymaybe60 · 29/10/2017 20:56

Thing is, this is fucking stupid even if all the women are junior to all the men. Indeed it is, MrsHathaway, but it's surprising how many people just haven't grasped that simple principle. One candidate was absolutely charming to the caretaker, which is to be applauded - unfortunately it was only because he assumed the caretaker was the boss, and he practically brushed the boss herself aside in his haste to shake the man's hand.

Maireadplastic · 29/10/2017 21:06

'It's hard to change how you think and I just set up my life to match my childhood.'

Emoji, you sound intelligent. If you recognise your biases then you can guard against them.

SelmaAndJubjub · 30/10/2017 10:20

In a previous hospital it was worse as the men wore any shirt and trousers with a white lab coat while the women wore tunics and regulation burdgundy trousers

Shock That's terrible (and not just because burgundy flatters no one's arse Wink)

Kewcumber · 30/10/2017 10:35

And the problem with your Dad's approach Emoji is that it places the mental load on the women in his life. WHy can't an adult who holds down a job (regardless of sex) make a decision? I mean I unerstand if you are partners that you might agree that all decision costing more than say £1,000 need agreement but that's different.

ptumbi · 30/10/2017 12:05

Being pleasant to every single potential colleague is surely Rule 1 of jobhunting - when I worked as a receptionist, I was always asked what a prospective candidate was like; friendly and smiley or cold and dismissive?

It's the same principle as watching what a 'date' is like with Waiting staff, or cleaners, or other service staff.