Men keep ignoring me in my own bloody shop

[Kitee]

I own a small local shop that sells office supplies/ printing equipment etc amongst other things.

I have been noticing lately that men COMPLETELY blank me in favour of my male colleague whom I have recently employed - let’s call him Joe (until then it was just me so they had no other option)

For example, yesterday a woman came in with her husband. I greeted them and asked if I could help with anything. He started to reply to me and then when he noticed Joe he just turned his back on me and continued what he was saying to Joe. I was so angry! It’s my shop!

Second example, a man came in with a list of items he needed which included product codes etc. Once again I greeted him warmly and he walked straight past me, did not even acknowledge me, to make a beeline for Joe.

I’m seriously getting fed up of this.

I know not ALL MEN do this.

I don’t know if they even realise they are doing it?

It’s pretty disheartening to be honest, I feel like I’m not taken as seriously and it’s presumed that I just don’t know what I’m talking about.

Anyone else experienced this or have any way of dealing with it?

AIBU to wear a big sign round my neck staying that I am more than capable of serving you in my own shop?

Amy I'm mostly offended when they make a comment on my physical appearance "oh yes you're attractive, you'll do" type comments, like if I was unattractive and female it would be a deal breaker and they couldn't possibly need my help!

Abbylee "What kind of shop is it? Not that it should matter, but I'm curious if you have a flower shop vs auto parts?"

The answer to that is in the opening sentence of the OP.

Not being contrary, honest, but I'm just hardly recognising most of this. I used to be a doctor, and never had this reaction (or maybe never noticed it?). Rather the reverse - I remember as a medical student having patients/families refer to me as 'the doctor' and having to correct them as I was just a student. Ancient male colleagues, now that's a different story. I now run two small businesses with my DP, one of which he is the principal of, and one of which I am. He occasionally gets addressed in relation to my area of expertise, but only (afaik) because I have a non-gender specific name and people who know my name but have never met me make assumptions about that. He just refers them to me, and no one ever seems nonplussed or as if they have a problem with it. I have never as far as I recall been in a restaurant that assumed DP would be paying the bill and certainly never had my card handed back to him after I paid - not in this country anyway. Perhaps I've just never eaten anywhere posh and old-fashioned enough?

I'm not disputing people's reported experiences, but is it possible that there are factors other than just sex at play here? Like perhaps the way that the sexes are conditioned to behave, body language, subliminal subservient behaviours, etc? Regional differences? I am genuinely bemused.

It is quite well-known in my field (academia) that men are often introduced using their full title, so 'Dr Herbert Brown will be speaking next' and that women are often introduced without their title so 'Sarah, from Bangor University will be speaking afterwards'. It's happened to me a few times and there's research papers showing how often it happens.

This would really piss me off and I'd say something! Years ago I ordered 2 sofas from John Lewis, I went in, picked the styles and fabric and paid for them with MY money, then my husband turned up and the bloke serving me completely diverted all his attention to my husband and asked HIM to sign for them! Absolutely outraged, never forgot it.

When my much younger colleague was teaching me the job, people would always approach me instead of her on the reception desk, to the extent that they would wait for me to be free and walk past her. She found it annoying of course, but I often explained that she was teaching me. So as others have said he just needs to let them know that you have more experience.

I had the father of one of my students ask the man standing next to me (also one of my students) how his son was getting on in class.

An easily-made mistake, you might think- except that I teach karate. Obviously I was wearing my black belt and the male student he asked was wearing the same colour belt as his son.

The male student shrugged, turned to me and said "Sensei? How is little X getting on?" So I answered- and the Dad asked the male student another question about little X's performance!

So male student walked away and I gave the Dad a big smile and asked him what else he wanted to know, whereupon he said that was all and scuttled off!

Sometimes it doesn't matter what 'badge' you have- some people are just tossers

geoff409 This is a post about sexism and men not listening to or respecting women.
The Op put in her post that she knew that not all men are like this. However, you still found it necessary to contribute and say NAMALT? Sadly, I don't even think you were trying to be funny.

Don't get why people (men) do this tbh. Was in the apple shop not too long ago wanting a phone for msyelf, and the staff ignored me totally to speak to DH instead. He knows nowt about technology nor needs a new phone so he was very and actually said its my wife who you need to say this all to. And they still kept talking at him instead of me. Walked out in the end. fuck giving my cash to ignorant idiots like that.

I went out with a male friend the other week and I bought a phone cover from one of those stalls you get in shopping centres. The cover was £6 and I handed over a £20 note. The cashier/ owner (male) took MY change from the till and handed it to my friend. I was stood right in front of the till. I was closer to him. My male friend wasn’t even looking in his direction.

Ugh this happens so often to me. In a few different shops too. I will pay and DH will be there, and they give the change to him, even when I have my purse open waiting to put the change back. What on earth inspires people to do this...its really bizarre

I used to work as a mechanic but our workshop didn’t have a dedicated receptionist, so we all pitched in answering the phones.

The number of times I was asked if I could put one of the mechanics on the phone and was met with disbelief that was in fact one. I even got “well, can I speak to a man?” a couple of times

Obviously men are born with an innate knowledge of vehicles that a simple woman such as myself could never hope to learn

Ugh horny I know!

To those asking, I feel I come across quite well, I’m genuinely friendly and open with all customers. Which makes it worse when I’m standing there with a smile on my face waiting on a reply and they just turn to Joe.

This thread brings back memories. I used to work for someone who lent money to businesses. I had the most senior lending mandate, and was one of the most senior ppl in the company. I was sent out to meet with one of our biggest borrowers, who wanted to borrow more, along with a male relationship manager who was several grades below me on the corporate structure. After explaining who I was, he kept directing everything he said to the RM, when he finally worked out it was me he was meant to be talking to kept using the phrase “when you take this back to the person that can make the decision” and other similar comments. He didn’t get the funding.

The more frustrating part was when I was back in the office and telling my boss how the meeting was, I mentioned how chauvinistic the client was, at which point my boss suggested I was just over sensitive. And only believed me when the male RM backed up my version of events.

And for anyone thinking this was based on my looks, really not. I’m a short, fat middle aged woman

Kitee when you greet them to your shop could you say something like ‘Good afternoon, if you need any assistance in finding anything, myself or my assistant joe will be happy to help, do you know what you’re looking for?’

I work in a very male field and I'm afraid I'm not very mature and like to make them squirm.

I remember once I was on a site visit in the canteen but in my site clothes. I was the only female in the room. A bloke comes in a bit panicked and asks all the men if they have x piece of equipment spare. None of them do.

He ignores me and turns to leave. I then speak up and tell him "I've got an x...you can borrow mine if you like ?"

His face was a picture. He knew what he'd done.

The number of times when I say "my boss" people assume I mean a man. My boss is a woman. As are most of the team actually.

I've also had someone outright say they were expecting a man. I was very junior then so I was expecting a few other team members to arrive who were male so I just said that there would be some men in a minute and walked off. I don't think he noticed.

Sorry I am one of these people 🙈. This post has made me realise that. I’m a woman but I would automatically go towards a man. Not any man but a man that would fit the stereotype. I’ve never noticed it until I read this post. Feel terrible now. Sorry OP, from now on I’ll def be more aware!

Kitee when you greet them to your shop could you say something like ‘Good afternoon, if you need any assistance in finding anything, myself or my assistant joe will be happy to help, do you know what you’re looking for?’

Chocco I like the idea however I think it could sound a bit too formal if you know what I mean?

I generally think that by saying hello how can I help, means that I actually can help and they don’t need to defer to the only male

I used to many years ago sell cars, I always spoke to the lady first and shook her hand first. The men go in all huffy ask questions they dont really want or understand the answer but the woman will (not always) set the budget and get the car they want although obviously it was the mans decision

Ha, this is reminding me of another time. I was in NZ buying a bike to use for the few months I was there. I'm a regular cyclist where I live and know a fair bit about what works for me and what doesn't - I wanted a hybrid, medium men's frame, disc brakes, etc. The young guy I spoke to could not seem to get past the fact I was a woman and kept bringing me pink cruiser-style bikes that were too small etc. It was weird - it was like he literally could not hear what I was saying. He also made a comment about those bikes being good for a woman's proportions. Um. Dude. WTAF?

It’s for THIS shit that when my husband and I go out for a meal, we like watching the confused waiter looks when they hand the bill to him and he points at me holding the card in my hand!

It’s just my 2nd cardholder card on HIS account, so he is still the one paying (I work, but most of my share of household contribution is caring for children) but it’s definitely funny when the wait staff do that double take. Of course fun isn’t the only reason we do this, another is to remind people generally that they should never assume! :D

I have project-managed 3 large extensions. When I got i estimates for my last, I was approached by my plumber (who is lovely - male) to give his 'mate' a chance. Mate turns up with plumber to look at site. I ask questions; 'mate' turns to plumber and answers . (he did not get the job!)

I went to buy a car with dp - ask questions about the car I am buying. There is just enough of a pause, to make it quite clear that salesman is not answering me.

He then airily answers the question as if no one had spoken.

Kind of - so how many gears has it got? Pause pause pause pause pause..........
'So this car has 6 gears...'

Even dp noticed.

I work in construction as part of the clients design team, I generally have not had any issues on site apart from possibly some surprise at initial introductions, or the assumption I work for the Architect (I'm in Engineering). I've never been undermined on a project so far and people are generally either very professional or a complete dick to everyone regardless of gender.

Suppliers on the other hand, I had a very heated discussion with the technical department of a well known switchgear company regarding a fault on a panel board I had designed. The chap on the end of the phone kept telling me how much easier it would be if he could just talk to the engineer direct... I started using a local company after that who are fantastic and incredibly helpful.

Also not so annoying but a company that supply fire alarm and security equipment, I'm a woman, the rep is a woman, yet all quotes are addressed 'Dear Sirs'.

Not to mention all the mail from suppliers addressed to 'Mr LivingDeadGirl' and no I don't have a gender neutral first name.

but the woman will (not always) set the budget - actually, that has reminded me of one area where the woman is normally the one consulted; Kitchens! I've installed several and always been the one consulted!

ptumbi I had exactly the opposite experience when going with dh to buy a car for him. Salesman kept pitching to me because the car we were looking at was one of those little runarounds - clearly not a serious enough car for a man of my dh's stature.

Some things have changed.
DH went to a car showroom. They were busy but he was still surprised that after half an hour not a single salesman had approached him. The following weekend I went with him and although it was again hectic we were approached almost as soon as we entered. Looking around I could see that when they were busy they viewed couples as more likely to be serious buyers than lone men.
When we bought our house several years ago the estate agent showed us both around but deferred to me because "women tend to have the final say in house purchases".
OP it must be so frustrating but you are right to tread carefully since they are your customers. Perhaps Joe saying "I'll just pass you to the boss" if he can't answer their questions may be all you can do.