....to not invite this girl to my daughter's party because she's a nightmare!!!

[smokinhotchilli]

This is so tricky! And all this is new to me so any advice would be great.
My daughter has been friends with a girl called Rose (made up name) for two years. They are both 4. There's a group of kids who have been close since nursery & they have all started school & are in the same class.
Have never been very close to Rose's mum but the girls occasionally meet up at weekends .... Or used to...
Since starting school, Rose has become a bit of a nightmare. According to my daughter, none of the group want to play with her, she hits, shouts, pushes, doesn't listen and is really naughty (all told to me by my daughter & the other kids) and they often tell the teacher .... I've seen Rose doing all of this before & after school.
My daughter is refusing to have her at her birthday party which is really soon & won't invite her. The mum texted to ask what's happening for my daughters birthday...
What would you do?
AIBU to ask the mum if everything is ok at home & mention Rose's behaviour in a gentle & considerate way? And then explain that my daughter doesn't want her at the party? Arghhhhh! Don't want to upset anyone.

Well how splendidly patronising you are someone

If your classrooms resemble loud sugar fueled kids running around screaming with balloons in a hall/ soft play hell how do the kids learn anything? Are you seriously saying that a whole class birthday party and your classroom are the same in terms of noise level?

Children and other people can prefer small groups to groups of 30 without being unable to cope. Are you suggesting that children should not have a party they'd enjoy if they can cope with one they won't actually enjoy much?

Lots of 4 year olds who have a few good friends couldn't even name every child in their class, let alone wanting to play with them. It's frankly bizzare to treat a birthday party as some kind of whole class event (regardless of whether the child could cope with it) if they prefer to invite 4 friends over for tea and pass the parcel.

We don't all have to like the same things - would you insist your colleagues all invite the whole staff room to the pub or not socialise with colleagues at all if they'd rather go for coffee with one colleague after work?

Thank you Francis

It's amazing someone so obtuse is teaching reception...

I actually doubt that Someone is a teacher. Shielding kids from minor disappointment is not generally something that EYs teachers would advocate. And if she was a teacher she would likely be aware that special school places aren't the inevitable answer for kids who don't like big parties!

Francis, so what’s the problem with paying entry to a party?
Evelyn.. It’s a party, there’s excitement. From someone who said all are different, you sure have an opinion. You gave the nerve to comment on my teaching when it’s clear all you care about is your child and not the needs of others. It’s not shielding kids from minor disappointment actually! They are 4.
Corbyn you have totally misunderstood what I’ve said!
Honestly these children are 4 not bloody 6+. There’s no chance your children are 4 because we’d be having a totally different situation.
And yes where I live, if a child cannot deal with large groups then they are in a specialist school as we do not have the funding or facilities to accommodate your chins!

Child!

Francis, so what’s the problem with paying entry to a party?

Turn this round - it's Roses party and she's hurt lots of children so the kids don't want to go and Rose is left alone when she's been excited about a party

Where do you stand then?

Not everyone enjoys big parties. I remember hating them and one of my dc didn’t like them. How can you not understand that since you work with the age group in question Someone? (And yes we know we’re talking about 4 yr olds, you don’t need to keep reiterating it. )

I think perhaps you do not have all the answers on this. Specialist schools for people who don’t like large groups?

Actually my dc3 was once invited to a 4th birthday party at which he was the only guest, not because nobody else turned up but because that was what the birthday boy (his best friend) wanted! Boy whose birthday it was had/ has a speech delay (he's come on amazingly well and you can barely tell now he's 6, but back then he had no words strangers could understand) and dc3 by some weird quirk understood him perfectly... His mum, dad and big brother had arranged all kind of cool stuff around their property and a treasure hunt with a story to it in the woods, both their favourite foods, then lots of time to just play together. It was no ordinary going over for tea, but it was a party for 2 :o They both had a wonderful time. Dc3's friend coped beautifully in a classroom, but only wanted to celebrate with dc3. He would have been on the sidelines of his own party playing with dc3, who might have been tempted to run off and play with other friends, if he'd had to invite the whole class.

Exactly, children are more likely to come if it's free like most children's parties are. If entry has to be paid, more will decline, the birthday child will be very disappointed.

Ok so write going off track! I’m going to repeat myself.
Where I live WE DO NOT condone parties which do not include the whole class up until year 1. So thank you for you opinions but I think I will follow the advice of educators!
The OP’s child has an established relationship with Rose. Who is now being left out. This child could be being left out by OP’s friends. This child could also be going through a lot. They could also be finding their feet.
I’d love to argue with the mothers of MN but I am telling you what I experience, not you, but me and it is unpleasant. It’s not up for debate. It’s horrible seeing children go through this at 4 YEARS OLD!!!!!

Evelyn DS has a speech delay, and can be a bit shy and can be less confident. At his party last year, he was sidelined by the more talkative kids, and a bit overwhelmed. This year, he's having 6 kids for his pizza hut party.

someone in what part of the UK are there still so many special schools that there are places available for children who don't like big groups?

someone that is very sad then, as whole class parties do not suit everyone. Since Rose has been aggressive towards op dd, they are no longer friends. So op has every right not to respect her dd wishes and not invite her.

I hope he has a lovely time Aeroflotgirl

When dc3 first started talking about his friend he always said "L says/ L thinks/ L likes" and I was a bit surprised when I first met him that he had such a language delay. I felt a great affinity for him though because I have my own language delay as a non native speaker of the local language :o The boys are devoted to each other, though they both have other friends too now. It's amazing how dc3's friend's language has improved, but he still prefers small groups or 1:1...

Lol Someone we do know they’re 4 years old. We know.

I would love my Ds to be in a class of less than 30 however I do not have the luxury of providing private education..
it may be what your school does . I am not sure my Ds ever went to a whole class party . At some point the uninvited have to learn they don’t get invited to everything . I think that been invited to every single child’ party then only a few is harsher.

wizzywig
Hi op. I am a parent of children who are never invited to parties. Thankfully they never notice. If you are happy for your daughter not to be invited to any parties rose has, then i guess its ok not to invite her.

I would be exceptionally happy not to be invited if the violence persisted. It would be a damn sight easier all round than having to make excuses and not go anyway.

This thread has some odd views.
If my kids are not invited to a party they have always understood very easily that numbers / money can be restricted and we haven't taken offence.
Friendships are fluid and i tbh i like inviting different people each year rather than forcing a guest list upon the kids.
If the friends ask me why they are told that numbers are limited but there will be another occassion when it will be their turn.
We haven't had any issues yet

Thanks Evelyn, it's in January when DS will be 6.

Perhapssomeone is actually the mum of a child like Rose. If shed actually said so her posts would have made far more sense and if she spoke honestly about her experience as the parent of a violent child who is left out because of behaviour stemming from some kind of difficult circumstances she would have added something of value to the thread, instead of dogged determination that only whole class parties should be allowed because children who don't like them should be at special school...

Sorry, that was one incredibly long sentence

Will relearn punctuation before I post anything else!

Fanjo my dd is not either due to default, she goes to a specialist Asd school, where most of them find parties stressful. When she was in mainstream she used to be, but found them very stressful. So when she went to SS it was easier as there was not a part culture.

Where I live WE DO NOT condone parties which do not include the whole class up until year 1. So thank you for you opinions but I think I will follow the advice of educators!

So you really school dictates that very child MUST have a whole class party on their birthday reguaedless wether the child or the parents want that?

Green tulips, jo we just don’t get involved and refuse.
Evelyn yes it is sad but I do live in an area like that. If the child cannot cope in large groups then mainstream schooling is not for them. No my child is not one of those children. Shall I say your child is nasty and violent, no because that is seriously unkind and no one should ever go there on MN. My child has always had an invite and tbh if she didn’t get one I would be questioning why.
I’m speaking as a practitioner dealing with children who do not get an invite from a parent who hadn’t even thought about the repercussions. There’s nothing wrong with that. If I hadn’t experienced it then I wouldn’t have known. I’m telling you as someone who sees the other side.

Someone special schools were closing and more and more children with moderate Sen were being included with varying degrees of success in mainstream when I left England. People with early childhood ASD diagnosis were having to fight for special school places and often not getting them. Inclusion was being misused as a cost cutting tool even in cases it wasn't in a child's interest.

Are you saying this has reversed in the last 10 years and there are no plentiful special schools and no inclusion?