....to not invite this girl to my daughter's party because she's a nightmare!!!

[smokinhotchilli]

This is so tricky! And all this is new to me so any advice would be great.
My daughter has been friends with a girl called Rose (made up name) for two years. They are both 4. There's a group of kids who have been close since nursery & they have all started school & are in the same class.
Have never been very close to Rose's mum but the girls occasionally meet up at weekends .... Or used to...
Since starting school, Rose has become a bit of a nightmare. According to my daughter, none of the group want to play with her, she hits, shouts, pushes, doesn't listen and is really naughty (all told to me by my daughter & the other kids) and they often tell the teacher .... I've seen Rose doing all of this before & after school.
My daughter is refusing to have her at her birthday party which is really soon & won't invite her. The mum texted to ask what's happening for my daughters birthday...
What would you do?
AIBU to ask the mum if everything is ok at home & mention Rose's behaviour in a gentle & considerate way? And then explain that my daughter doesn't want her at the party? Arghhhhh! Don't want to upset anyone.

I have never ever thought about how I can help another child when it comes to my Ds’s birthday .. some children don’t want a big party .my Ds had loads of party invites . One very shy child mum payed for soft play for 5 children , he didn’t even want a cake, I teach him to consider others never leave one child out at play time

This is ridiculous. Everyone has pin pointed my SUGGESTIONs!!! Yes that’s right suggestions. I’ve already said the park may not be a good option at this time of year.
For a parent who can’t afford £200+ for their child to have a bday party then what’s wrong with others paying £4.95 for a few hours of fun?
Once again, this is a 4yo in reception!
The OP and this group of friends have an established relationship from nursery, which is uncommon in reception. Many who come will know very few if not none.
We should look out for others as we’d expect other parents to look out for ours. Yes our children come first but that doesn’t mean we need to ignore the needs of others!
We are talking about a 4yo child. Just repeat in your head. Keep repeating. A 4yo CHILD.

Absolutely agree with Some about this. A party is about sharing a celebration. Slightly off the particular focus of this thread, but think dc should be taught to think of their guests and their enjoyment too, and while birthday child is important, it isn't all about them.

If you invite people to pay their own entry ibto the party - then who's paying for the food? Cake? Favour?

Someonessnack there's nothing at all wrong with only inviting a handful of children. There's a lot wrong with inviting all but one obviously, but inviting say 4 children out of 30 is absolutely something that children can understand. Where we live there are never, ever whole class parties, it just isn't a trend that ever started. Since the age of 3, children have understood that perfectly well. I've had children going to and having parties for over a decade and inviting a handful has always been the norm, and worked well.

Your "invite everyone or nobody" means only wealthy, extrovert children are allowed parties children who don't like crowds and children whose parents could afford a little tea party at home but don't have space or budget for 30 kids plus potentially a hanger on parent each plus possibly siblings or the odd joined at the hip couple who both attend parties their children are invited to.... can't have a party at all according to your own personal rules.

Sorry - too may Some!

Meant I agreed with Someoneasdumbasthis!

Argh- too many!

Evelyn....at 4 it’s not something they understand.
I’m not wealthy and managed to invite 40 odd children, knowing some would reject. I managed it, so no one was left out.
You talk about children who don’t like crowds, well the children they will be seeing are children they see on a daily basis so will actually be familiar and comforting to them.
When I invited all to my child’s bday a child with autisms mother messaged me saying thank you so much, it means so much as this particular child was never invited to parties. It broke my heart and I hadn’t even thought about it, to me this was just a child like the rest. But it meant so much to the mother.
I have to keep repeating myself but we are talking about children of 4-5 with no established friendship groups. Not older children. Please remember this!

How did the play date go op.

Someone many children of 4-5 do have established friendship groups. All my kids had longstanding friendships at that age, having been to parent and toddler groups with several children who they then started kindergarten with at 3 and eventually went on to school with. My eldest was inseperable from her best friend from the day they met at kindergarten age 3 and they went to one another's houses every Thursday as a standing arrangement from then until secondary age! They were so close the kindergarten teachers used to run their names together. They're still friends now though no longer live in each other's pockets. From 3 til about 8 the two best friends were part of a little "band" of 4 girls and two boys who all played together and went to one another's parties. They very much had firmly established friendships by 4-5!

My sons also have best friends who have remained the same since age 3 - ten year old is still inseparable from his best friend from toddlers! Youngest is only 6 so I haven't forgotten!

We usually stick approximately to a friend per year of age and at 4-5 never invite anyone who hasn't been to play at our house individually, so we know them and that we can look after them in a group and they feel comfortable being dropped off at our house.

My kids have never struggled to understand that children have friends and not everyone is invited to everything!

So later when they’re older and do want to establish friendship groups and inevitably someone gets left out then, that’s ok? Because they’re all older and can understand?

Except they won’t, because until that time (whatever age that may be) in Someones world, every party until then will have included every single other person in the class Surely deferring that inevitable moment makes it harder not easier to accept.

Not being invited is sometimes how it goes. I know it’s hard to understand that you don’t get to go to everything at 4. I have twins and they had to learn this. But they did, when one was invited and the other not. They coped ok with it. I do think often children have the ability to shrug and move on far more over this than some parents who tie themselves up in knots about these scenarios.

There is nothing wrong with smaller parties, due to budget, confidence, mabey the child prefers smaller parties. We are going to have 8 kids at DS 5 pizza Hut party, as we had ,15 last year he did not like too many kids and was a bit overwhelmed. He wants another Pizza party for his birthday, but it will be smaller. Why should people have big hall parties if they don't want.

Madness it is telling people what party they should have. As long as they don't leave one or two out of a whole class party than its fine.

One if my kids was friendly with one child who went to nursery with him. They stayed friends until a child who lived next door ro friend started at thier school. Cue friend prioritising this friend over my child. As they had all made friends with kids from other places at the school it was hardly a big deal. My kid had other friends too. Now they are at high school and good friends again.
When kids are young friendships are fluid and change regularly. Just because you knew someone at nursery doesnt mean you have to stay glued at the hip throughout school.

Yet again if someone is hitting, scratching and calling your child names at school you are under no obligation to invite them to your special event.

Some people are still going on as if this is the only kid in school who isnt invited, she isnt.

My kids have been missed from parties too its life, they just accepted it they dont get invited if its something they cant do or not a big party or not a close friend at the time. Its one day ffs!

Agree Willow.

I don’t remember any of my birthday parties. My dd (34) recently mentioned never having had one...she did every year...
It really sounds like some parents get over invested in this.

IF you can’t afford £4.95 for soft play then you can’t afford a small party at your house with snacks!
Evelyn are you American? In the uk most children start school in reception at age 4 and do not know many children so their friendships are not established.
Francis Crawford hence my suggestion of parents paying so that all children get to experience a bday party.
Stilletosareanono. When their friendship groups have been established then a child will not be offended if they have not been invited when they never actually interacted with the person, hence why I’m discussing 4yo not 6+yo

Some
You are suggesting charging people to come to a party so every child gets an invite yes?

What if there is only one place to have a party that charges near you? What if you dont want to go there.

What if you don't want to be the only parent in the whole school who charges people to come to their kids party?

What if your child doesn't want the whole damm class at their party?

What if a child in class is violent and your child is scared of them should you force them to invite the child if thier parents fork up the £4.50?

Sod that.

Its my childs party, thier friends, thier choice who comes. Its not a social scenario to teach them that kids can be horrid to you but you just have suck it up in case you hurt thier feelings.

No someonessnack I'm English but live in Germany. I know how the English school system works (bit hazy on the rest of the UK but think Welsh children start "school" at 3 in the actual primary school so would also have been with a class a year by 4) having been through it and having taught secondary in the UK before we moved. I could have referred to kindergarten as school nursery and reception, it just wouldn't have been literally true...

Plenty of kids in England start reception with children they know from school nursery or just from living locally etc. Even where they've met for the first time at the start of September friendships form, though they may well not have done by October half term most children won't need the "few years" you refer to! Inviting children to play and to parties is part of building close friendships of course - if you stick to "invite everyone or noone" do you extend that to banning having individual friends over to play? That's exclusive too... and massively valuable for the type of child who disappears in a crowd but thrives on 1:1 and small group, close relationships.

Willow I’m sorry but that’s a bunch of excuses to prove you’re point. There are many alternatives, find one, stop being selfish!

Evelyn unfortunately you are wrong. Things have changed. You can start nursery at 3 which is not compulsory. You are not entitled to a place at the school. So most children start (if they are lucky) knowing a handful. Compulsory school starts at 4 (reception) where the most know no one. Like I said I work with this age range and that is the case. Like OP has said!

4 yr olds can definitely cope with being told no. They might not always like it, but as parents we have to help them begin to understand so they can cope with school and friendships and many other things.

It doesn’t have to be an awful traumatic process either, it depends how you present it. If parents are churning away emotionally about a lack of an invitation, then that’s not going to help them understand.