....to not invite this girl to my daughter's party because she's a nightmare!!!

[smokinhotchilli]

This is so tricky! And all this is new to me so any advice would be great.
My daughter has been friends with a girl called Rose (made up name) for two years. They are both 4. There's a group of kids who have been close since nursery & they have all started school & are in the same class.
Have never been very close to Rose's mum but the girls occasionally meet up at weekends .... Or used to...
Since starting school, Rose has become a bit of a nightmare. According to my daughter, none of the group want to play with her, she hits, shouts, pushes, doesn't listen and is really naughty (all told to me by my daughter & the other kids) and they often tell the teacher .... I've seen Rose doing all of this before & after school.
My daughter is refusing to have her at her birthday party which is really soon & won't invite her. The mum texted to ask what's happening for my daughters birthday...
What would you do?
AIBU to ask the mum if everything is ok at home & mention Rose's behaviour in a gentle & considerate way? And then explain that my daughter doesn't want her at the party? Arghhhhh! Don't want to upset anyone.

Is it a whole class party? If not, she can invite who she wants, surely?

Hi op. I am a parent of children who are never invited to parties. Thankfully they never notice. If you are happy for your daughter not to be invited to any parties rose has, then i guess its ok not to invite her.

I wouldn't find the text strange, DD has had a friend since she was 2 and we mums often text each other about birthdays. DD's last one was the first one this friend didn't come to, as it was just 3 friends at Flip Out, and she invited school friends.

Neverbeensocross.... ‘hi all, it’s x’s bday on the ... we’re having a little get together at octopus soft play. It’s £4.95 entry, pay at the door and hope to see you all in there’
Some people can afford nothing, there’s no harm in doing something like that. It’s quite sad and hurtful that you’d say you wouldn’t pay to attend one, well it’s your child missing out not anyone else’s.
Willow2017 if we saw your child handing out invites at 4, id be quite impressed on her reading skills but I’d collect them and hand them back to you!
Harrietvane.... that’s your judgement not mine. There’s a lot more activities than soft play, it was an example.

People really are forgetting these children are 4 not 6+. People can agree or disagree but I am telling you from a practitioners point of view and as a parent of a 4yo. I have to see the disappointment and confusion and I have deal with that from x amount of children, not one, not my own but the ones who haven’t been invited. We all care for our children first and foremost but we all need to consider other children’s feelings as well, what you’d hope any other parent would do for your child

I’ve never known anyone charge people to attend their child’s party!
And after reception hardly anyone does whole class parties where I live. My kids have been invited to lots of parties and they haven’t been invited to lots of parties. A simple explanation that people can’t generally afford to invite everyone is all that is needed. Kids - even age 4 usually understand that people don’t have unlimited money.

It’s quite sad and hurtful that you’d say you wouldn’t pay to attend one, well it’s your child missing out not anyone else’s

So you're saying it's OK for a child to miss out because the parents can't or won't pay but it's fine to invite a child who's hurting your own because they might feel sad at not going?

Twisted logic

As a mum of two Autistic children, one who also has ADHD this question makes me very sad. I have had similar experiences where my children have been left out of parties etc. They have been labelled naughty, weird and difficult. Children may not understand but adults shouldn't make snap judgements.

Twisted logic. Completely two different things. You as a parent are refusing to bring your child to a party as there is a fee compared to not leaving a child out who may be facing difficulties adjusting to a new class. Yeah really the same thing.

Corbynsbumflannel these children are in reception. This is my point. They are all 4-5 and finding their feet

• Seeing that OP has resolved

Has OP resolved her issue. I’m waiting on the outcome of the play date?

Me too! It might not change anything but I’m interested to hear how it went nonetheless.

Someone

At nursery i gave the invites to parents or put them in bags. I never invited the whole nursery to a party. I dont know anyone who did. What would i do with 40 kids? I couldn't afford to pay for a party that big.

In primary its normal for kids to hand out their own invitations after school where i live. Teachers have nothing to do with it. My kids chose who they wanted at thier party within numbers allowed at venue or at home. I never insisted they invite someone they didnt get on with at school. You cant be friends with everyone, some people just dont get on.

I have never charged someone to attend a party! Never been charged either. Who asks someone to pay to come to your party, get themselves there and bring a present? How entitled is that?

I would take my kids to a party with a fee if they wanted to go but I've never known anyone charge in over a decade of taking kids to parties. It's really not necessary to invite everyone. Kids won't crumble cos they miss out on the odd party. The parents take it much worse imo. Parties are so frequent they're not a massive event to kids. There's a good chance my kids would struggle to recall going to a Saturday party by Monday much less be rubbing it in anyone's face.

Willow I couldn’t disagree more.* It’s absolutely the role of the parent to encourage their children to think of others and at times put others’ feelings before their own.*

Bold fail sorry!

Re I've always taught my kids to say 'that's ok I don't want to' when kids say they can't come to their house, be in their gang, play with them etc. Either the other child doesn't want them around in which case I don't really want my kids begging someone to be their friend or they are saying it for a reaction and it takes the wind out of their sails! If someone isn't playing nicely my kids know to go to go and find someone else to play with and that includes if my kids close friends aren't playing nicely. In fact they'd sooner play by themselves than be hit or teased but generally there is someone friendly they can find in a playground full of kids. It's very rare anyone is unkind to them now because they just don't give the desired reaction.

It's a small party, she should invite who she wants. If it was 10 or more it might be different.
But given the history I might be inclined to have that awkward conversation with her mum at the playground today if the opportunity arises.

Some

A childs birthday is all about the child. Not about doing something for other people.
There are plenty opportunities to teach kids to think of others but on thier special day its all about them not about anyone else. Its one day in the year when they are celebrated. Its a party for them not for anyone elses benefit.

Its not up to ops dd or op to teach rose how to behave. That's her mother's job.