....to not invite this girl to my daughter's party because she's a nightmare!!!

[smokinhotchilli]

This is so tricky! And all this is new to me so any advice would be great.
My daughter has been friends with a girl called Rose (made up name) for two years. They are both 4. There's a group of kids who have been close since nursery & they have all started school & are in the same class.
Have never been very close to Rose's mum but the girls occasionally meet up at weekends .... Or used to...
Since starting school, Rose has become a bit of a nightmare. According to my daughter, none of the group want to play with her, she hits, shouts, pushes, doesn't listen and is really naughty (all told to me by my daughter & the other kids) and they often tell the teacher .... I've seen Rose doing all of this before & after school.
My daughter is refusing to have her at her birthday party which is really soon & won't invite her. The mum texted to ask what's happening for my daughters birthday...
What would you do?
AIBU to ask the mum if everything is ok at home & mention Rose's behaviour in a gentle & considerate way? And then explain that my daughter doesn't want her at the party? Arghhhhh! Don't want to upset anyone.

Gosh! Such a fuss. Why can’t you say that she’s having a ‘family & close friends Party, which we’re limiting to 10’ - or whatever number is suitable. I NEVER had whole class parties with my dc - it’s such an important lesson to learn that people will be selective in their friends but it doesn’t mean you are not worthy of an invite - just not on that ‘team’ Later you may get a chance to discuss with Rosie’s mum why the girls aren’t good friends

I thought this was a child choosing who she wanted to invite to her party ? Some of the posters are making out she's shouldn't be able to chose who she wants to invite and should be forced to invite Rose ! The poor child isn't a therapist she's wants enjoy her birthday party !!

I feel sorry for your dd, OP.

She's perfectly entitled to invite people who don't hit her to her little party.

I wouldn't.

I think you do need to respect your child's wishes on this.

If my DS didn't want someone at his party they wouldn't be there. it is his party.

If it's an inviting all the class or all the girls would be hard to miss Rosie out. I would give invite but ask her Mum to come to party and help with Rosie as some of the other wee ones they aren't too happy with her behaviour. If a select few only for the party just make it known a short list of invited still changing day by day. If no invite by XXX date no invite.

I simply would not ask Dd again she seem under a huge amount of pressure to invite Rose

I agree. You're putting so much pressure on your dd by continuing to push this. It's not fair.

Good luck at the park!

Just remember OP - just because a child is invited to a party doesn't mean they are obligated to be friends forever, and if a child misses out then likewise they are not compelled to never speak again.
There is no reason why you can't stick to small numbers and have separate more supervised playdates instead.
Maybe next year it'll have blown over peacefully and rose will be the vip guest, but by forcing the issue this year it is likely to cause resentment and bugger up the friendship even more

Your DD has consistently made it clear that she doesn't want Rose at her party. She doesn't want to be hit and called names.

I wouldn't invite her. Yes it is sad for Rose, but if Rose comes and spoils her party your DD will always remember you didn't listen to her.

Good luck at the park, you needn't have done that. A simple hi there, dd is having a small party of chikdren she gets on with Take care.

Yiu do t have to invite Rose if yiur dd does not want to, unless it's an all class party or only girls.

I simply would not ask Dd again she seem under a huge amount of pressure to invite Rose

No pressure. There's never been any. Discussing it with my daughter a few times isn't pressure. Simply trying to find out what's going on by listening to her.

Initially, listening to my daughter & not inviting Rose was what I thought was best, but hundreds of posts later we're now going to go along to our local park tomorrow, see how that goes & then decide what's best.
That's all.

Yes, something along the lines of she's choosing the guests, the list is small and she's changing the list every five minutes so you're not sure who's going to be on it! My dd missed off an old friend as she temporarily had other friends. They all survived!

Good stuff op. Hope all goes well tomorrow. I disagree that you have been putting pressure on your dd by asking her. I too have a 5 year old who has just started school. I sometimes have to ask him five+ times what he would like in a sandwich to get a definitive response. I don’t feel I’m pressuring him unduly.

Hi Dollface
Thank you!
Ha! Yep I know that 'asking lots of times' thing all too well....
I wouldn't have been thinking about this so much if it wasn't for the 500+ posts on here! Which is great, of course....
But I'm pretty confident the decision's been made...

I think in your position I would reply 'unfortunately rose has hurt (daughters name) a few times at school, and she has decided not to invite her this time.

Please don't worry about it. It could be a great opportunity for those to learn that hitting people doesn't get you what you want. Don't over rule your daughter. That would teach her to keep people in her life who hurt her. Not a good message.

My DD had a girl similar to Rose when she was in reception, which every parent included at parties. She hurt children and was continually mean - fast forward 10 years and she is still the same.

Invite who your DD wants to her party,

It’s a good idea to see how they get on at the park. But if you’re only inviting a few friends to your DD’s party, then they shouldn’t be children your DD genuinely wants to be there.

The mum will very likely ask you about it. You should tell her how it is, I think. She very likely knows why already.

Derxa: she would be asking if her daughter was getting along appropriately with all the children. That is not a private question. Most teachers understand how to defer questions that are too personal or about other people.

Tact is not a fine point in this situation; either dd is getting hurt or not; by whom is not a secret either. I did not say ask if her parents are divorcing.

Fwiw, i went to school with a horrid mean girl early years then met later at a different school. Her mother was suffering from cancer and passed away. None of us knew at the time that she was dying. We only knew to avoid her.

I would invite her as I think she’s having a hard time it seems. And 4 year olds need to know how to include others. Really depends on your party if going full class or just a few friends. I’d then watch the interaction between them all, plus it’s only for 2 hours! And one day a 4 year old says I want a unicorn party then the next day it’s a princess party. I would do what you feel the best is, I’m not sure your daughter is really going to remember in 2 years time who came to her birthday, but poor little Rosie might feel that she wasn’t included and that might not be great when all the others kids are talking about it and she’s not invited.

I wouldn't invite a girl who hurts and calls your DD names. At the end of the day it's DD's party so she shouldn't have to worry about having someone there who has been mean to her. It's not a class party it's a party of 5 or so friends so Rose doesn't have to be included.

Most teachers understand how to defer questions that are too personal or about other people. That's right. I was a teacher.

I am sick of nasty adults. We went to watch a fireworks display today and we were sitting on a bench when this woman with a baby plonked herself next to my son and another behind him trying to move him. I was fuming and told him not to move. Her baby could easily have been put in its pushchair, which she did. I find it really cheeky in the mannarism of two selfies grown adults. It's not the first time it's happened and my 10 year old was made to feel uncomfortable. He always gives up his seat, but it was a long walk and we were tired too. One pushing from behind and the other pushing next to him. Disgusting. It's as if they dismiss to see a child sitting there.

Most teachers understand how to defer questions that are too personal or about other people.

“I’m afraid your DD was involved in an incident with another child at lunch time. This resulted in your child getting hit on the arm/shoulder/wherever.”

“Who did it! Have they been punished?”

“Unfortunately, I cannot tell you who it was or the action taken with this child but I can assure you that we have dealt with it appropriately and in line with our school policy.”

Done.