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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

....to not invite this girl to my daughter's party because she's a nightmare!!!

783 replies

smokinhotchilli · 25/10/2017 23:27

This is so tricky! And all this is new to me so any advice would be great.
My daughter has been friends with a girl called Rose (made up name) for two years. They are both 4. There's a group of kids who have been close since nursery & they have all started school & are in the same class.
Have never been very close to Rose's mum but the girls occasionally meet up at weekends .... Or used to...
Since starting school, Rose has become a bit of a nightmare. According to my daughter, none of the group want to play with her, she hits, shouts, pushes, doesn't listen and is really naughty (all told to me by my daughter & the other kids) and they often tell the teacher .... I've seen Rose doing all of this before & after school.
My daughter is refusing to have her at her birthday party which is really soon & won't invite her. The mum texted to ask what's happening for my daughters birthday...
What would you do?
AIBU to ask the mum if everything is ok at home & mention Rose's behaviour in a gentle & considerate way? And then explain that my daughter doesn't want her at the party? Arghhhhh! Don't want to upset anyone.

OP posts:
clarehhh · 27/10/2017 18:17

My rule was up to half the class or everyone.Regretted it at 13 when I told daughter she could not leave out one girl.Luved to regret it!! They had a bbq did special food for said child and as she left she said it was the worst party she had ever been too! Her behaviour was dreadful and not amusing at 13.At 4 maybe ask Mum to stay? Though in my exoerience the worst behaved have parent's who prefer ti drop and run but at least you control behaviour then.

Happyemoji · 27/10/2017 18:19

Muttmad do you believe in rehabilitation should there not be a coming together to discuss and mend friendships. I remember other mums slagging off other kids and there mums. I couldn't stand them people. I felt like I was surrounded by children and very few adults.

PeriPostwoman · 27/10/2017 18:20

I'd handle this with diplomatic cautiousness.
Speak to the teacher, explain the situation and ask for the behaviour of this girls and the wider friendship group to be monitored and guided.

I would, however, not invite Rose. No need to explain. It's a small party only a handful of children form DD's class are invited, you don't owe any one any explanations.

Just on the off chance that you and Rose's mother are good friends I'd probably tell her about the hitting and see what she says.

IAmBumblebee · 27/10/2017 18:23

Here's what I would do:

Invite Rose.

Include on every invitation for each parent to provide a direct contact number so that you will be able to contact them should there be any issues with their children on the day of the party.

Explain to your daughter that you respect her and that you understand how she feels, but encourage her to imagine how she would feel if she were left out of the close friendship group in this way, and that perhaps Rose deserves a chance. Ask her to give Rose a chance (make it her decision to invite Rose, rather than overriding her and 'forcing' her to). HOWEVER, also tell her that if Rose does anything to upset another child - hits, shouts, pushes - then you will phone her parents immediately and ask them to come and collect Rose. Explain that you won't tolerate this kind of behaviour and that it's unacceptable at school and outside of school. Promise your daughter that you will follow through with this - Rose gets one strike.

This way, Rose gets invited, she gets a fair chance. If she plays up, it is an opportunity to flag up with her parents that Rose is misbehvaing (if the schoo staff haven't done so already) and her parents will also be aware that you and other parents are also keenly aware of her behaviour (which may prompt an honest discussion and perhaps an explanation - but this must come from Rose's parents, not you, as it is a delicate issue.)

And it solves the problem of the party itself - if Rose acts up, she's out, and the rest of the group are free to enjoy themselves.

I hope your daughter has a great time! Smile

Psychofortruth · 27/10/2017 18:25

So this is a group of aged 4/5 year old kids...

I think if it was the other way round you would not want your daughter to be excluded, at a time when it sounds like this little girl may need her friends...

It sounds odd 1 girl against 4, I would question who is the one being more harsh kids in general are unpredictable and can be quite savage (let’s face it we all were at one point in time even unknowingly).

I would person meet other Mum for coffee and gently add it to a convo she may not be aware of this behaviour or Rose may be feeding back something else to her Mum

CorbynsBumFlannel · 27/10/2017 18:29

I don't agree with the 'imagine how you'd feel if you were left out'. The ops dd would probably feel it was unfair as she isn't clobbering everyone.

muttmad · 27/10/2017 18:30

Happy
Not at the expense of my daughters happiness especially on her special day.
My daughter is nearly 5, she’s smart, articulate and kind, if she told me a child was behaving in this manner I’d have no reason to doubt her.

eulmh · 27/10/2017 18:35

There may be other issues, my son
Was said child and going through referral for asd currently. I’ve worked a lot on social things with him and his teachers now report all the other children love him. Personally I’d include tell your daughter it’s not nice to leave students out and make sure Mum stays at party .... which I alwYs did I was like a hawk.

MmeBoulaye · 27/10/2017 18:36

You’re the grown up! Don’t patronise the girl’s mum with “is everything alright at home?”!!! None of yr business is it? Get your daughter and friends to imagine how they’d feel not to be invited. I think it’s a better example to be more inclusive st this age.

GreenTulips · 27/10/2017 18:39

Get your daughter and friends to imagine how they’d feel not to be invited. This! Especially if they've jotnand kicked the nrotjday child!

They'll think that's ok and they'll still be included

No wonder some kids are so entitled

Increasinglymiddleaged · 27/10/2017 18:42

My daughter is nearly 5, she’s smart, articulate and kind, if she told me a child was behaving in this manner I’d have no reason to doubt her.

And very often here lies the problem. We don't actually know what Rose has told her mum. Children put spin on things/ lie even the kind, articulate ones.

NameChangr678 · 27/10/2017 18:43

Rose sounds horrible and needs to learn that hitting and scratching people does not get you party invites.

It's your DD's birthday, she can invite and leave out whoever she bloody well wants! I once got this grief because I invited one twin I was friends with, but not the other one (that I'd never spoke to). How ridiculous.

Why is there some obligation to invite everyone?

CorbynsBumFlannel · 27/10/2017 18:45

The op has seen the behaviour with her own eyes.

martellandginger · 27/10/2017 18:48

I absolutely would let my child say who they want to invite. Obviously if the mum is overinvested in this party rubbish to be so rude in asking what's going on, you need to reply and say her child is not invited. Sugar coat if you want. Even if this mum was your best friend I would still say that the child should choose.

Mittens1969 · 27/10/2017 18:54

I think it would be very unfair on your DD to make her invite this girl. It might sound like they’re ganging up on poor Rose, but it could well be that they’re all genuinely upset that she’s hurt them.

Increasinglymiddleaged · 27/10/2017 18:55

The op has seen the behaviour with her own eyes.

She isn't there all the time

But anyway it doesn't matter because if the OP's DD is having a small party she can invite the 5 children she wants to in the moment. And the mum asking as Martell says is rude and overinvested.

HornyTortoise · 27/10/2017 18:57

I certainly would not be pressuring DD to have someone at her party who she did not get on with and who is likely to be hitting the other kdis and that. regardless of the reasons for the behaviour.

The mother probably wants to know if shes invited so that she gets a break for a little bit by palming her child off onto someone else.

If DD does not want her there, allow her to make the choice herself and don't worry what others might think. Genuinely cannot imagine myself ever feeling like I had to invite a child that regularly caused problems at school for fear of what others might think of it Hmm

HornyTortoise · 27/10/2017 19:02

I'm a bit confused as to why your DD is so vehemently against her coming - surely if she is a kind person she wouldn't want to exclude someone?

Even a kind person would not want to be around someone who will hurt them tbh. Being kind does not mean you should put up with stuff like that, and its a pretty bad way to bring your kid up actually. Accept all bad behaviour towards you, or be known to be unkind?

Only way I would be inviting Rose in this case would be if it was a party for the entire class. I would not leave one child out. Not at 4. Doesn;t sound like its everyone bar Rose invited though, so not sure why some are making out its absolutely horrendous to not invite a child who will bite and scratch the others

KnowsStuff · 27/10/2017 19:07

Rose was previously behaving very well. I believe it is highly,, likely that the situation is as MiaowTheCat described. Invite Rose very closely watched by someone who can be trusted to intervene. Ideally before deciding fully, find out the truth of what’s going on with a Playdate group invite before the party. 4 years old children are only just becoming aware of the power of their words to affect others and have next to no understanding of full consequences.

3out · 27/10/2017 19:08

Obviously, don’t know Rose, but she sounds like she’s massively struggling.

As for lessons learned, although our two ASD children don’t hit, bite etc, they are quite emotional. Explaining to them that their actions have resulted in being excluded from events is not going to result in any change in behaviour whatsoever, because it’s mostly outwith their control. They are well loved by their classmates, but kids find them full on. We get very few party invites. It sucks. But this is just the life we have to live with, and we accept this.

Either Rose’s Mum is a little forward and angry, and genuinely can’t fathom why Rose is being excluded from the party, or, (probably more likely) she is fully aware how much Rose is struggling at the moment and is devestated that it’s now impacting on friendships.

Kids can invite whomever they like to their birthday parties. If the entire class was being invited then I’d ask you to consider inviting Rose and her Mum, but as it’s not then I wouldn’t think it bad of you not to extend an invite to Rose. If I was Rose’s Mum though, I’d be quite hurt.

CorbynsBumFlannel · 27/10/2017 19:14

The op isn't there all the time but if she is seeing the behaviour that her dd says is going on at school happening in the playground I can see why she wouldn't think her dd is lying about what goes on at school.

MadMags · 27/10/2017 19:15

I'm always a bit baffled by the posters who insist you show compassion to the Roses of the world, while completely ignoring the upset of the other children the same age!

By all means, teach your children inclusion and kindness, but don't hijack your own 4 year old's party. She doesn't want a child who hits her there. How is that remotely unreasonable??

Abbylee · 27/10/2017 19:16

First talk to teacher to see if Rose is acting up or if she's being excluded and therefore acting up bc of hurt feelings.

Many schools have an all or none rule or invitations off school grounds rule??

I tried to include children that my dc didn't like and it never fails to be anything from bad to awful.

If your dd just plain doesn't like her, do not invite her, BUT tell dd that it's on the condition that they do not brag, boast, or discuss party in front of Rose.

Finally, if you are more virtuous than most, invite both mother and child to play in the park. If Rose has thorns, mother will discover it and will understand the situation.

Fwiw, children who behave aggressively are unhappy and unable to solve the problem so are lashing out. I've frequently discovered the root was a sad situation. But that's not your problem and your dd doesn't need to be a martyr.

Best wishes.

iMogster · 27/10/2017 19:24

If it was a full class party and parents there, then I would include Rose. But as this is just a small carefully chosen few of her favourites and others going don't want her there either, I would not include Rose. It's fine to put your daughter first on her birthday party, don't feel bad about this!

derxa · 27/10/2017 19:26

First talk to teacher to see if Rose is acting up or if she's being excluded and therefore acting up bc of hurt feelings. A teacher is not allowed to discuss other people's children with parents.

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