Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 ··· 17 18 19 ··· 31 32

Original poster

....to not invite this girl to my daughter's party because she's a nightmare!!!

783 replies

smokinhotchilli · 25/10/2017 23:27

This is so tricky! And all this is new to me so any advice would be great.
My daughter has been friends with a girl called Rose (made up name) for two years. They are both 4. There's a group of kids who have been close since nursery & they have all started school & are in the same class.
Have never been very close to Rose's mum but the girls occasionally meet up at weekends .... Or used to...
Since starting school, Rose has become a bit of a nightmare. According to my daughter, none of the group want to play with her, she hits, shouts, pushes, doesn't listen and is really naughty (all told to me by my daughter & the other kids) and they often tell the teacher .... I've seen Rose doing all of this before & after school.
My daughter is refusing to have her at her birthday party which is really soon & won't invite her. The mum texted to ask what's happening for my daughters birthday...
What would you do?
AIBU to ask the mum if everything is ok at home & mention Rose's behaviour in a gentle & considerate way? And then explain that my daughter doesn't want her at the party? Arghhhhh! Don't want to upset anyone.

OP posts:

Increasinglymiddleaged · 27/10/2017 13:48

Ok in which case it is even weirder that she texted the OP about dd's party

Increasinglymiddleaged · 27/10/2017 13:49

And if I was the OP I'd just hit 'delete'

Happyemoji · 27/10/2017 13:57

People have asked me about my kids birthday parties. Should I take offence I don't know. I don't know if I have the time or the strength to. Rose is obviously not getting on well at school and your dd not being friends with her could have knocked her for 6. Maybe she is not developmentally ready yet and your dd and her friends are. It explains why they have all bonded so well.

Increasinglymiddleaged · 27/10/2017 15:59

Rose is obviously not getting on well at school and your dd not being friends with her could have knocked her for 6. Maybe she is not developmentally ready yet and your dd and her friends are. It explains why they have all bonded so well.

Or alternatively (and far more likely) the OP's daughter would give her a different list of 5 next week .... The only thing we know is that the OP's daughter has fallen out with Rose. Deciding that Rose isn't ready developmentally for school is

Dustbunny1900 · 27/10/2017 16:10

After reading more, I actually think PP have a good point that I didn't take into account enough back 16 pages ago ..
It's great you are trying to work out the invite so that nobody's feelings possibly get hurt, if you see any physical aggression again from rose, or her mother doesnt seem to take it seriously or want to work with you..just scrap it.
I think it's so so important to teach our kids that they should never have to put up with physical assault or abuse. Not to "keep the peace", not to "be polite", not because it's someone they love or are friends with. It should never be normalized or excused.
When or if rose gets over this, they can reunite and be friends again. But when you hit, people don't want to be around you and that lesson is best learned early

Happyemoji · 27/10/2017 16:11

Have you walked into a nursery school class or reception class middleage. Well I have had 6 years experience did you know they give homework in those year groups. You got me started now and the pressure they put on the early years and ks1. That's why I choose to homeschool.

I spoke to a parent last week at toddler group. Her ds and mum work in nurserys and they told her her son would not be ready. That makes sense to me my youngest hated school and so did my other dd. Now they are older and two of my children are back in education out of 3 they are thriving. In other countries they don't start school until they are 6 or 7.

Happyemoji · 27/10/2017 16:14

If it's the case that Rose is lashing out it's not a good sign. Dumping her in school is not going to help her confidence at all.

Mittens1969 · 27/10/2017 17:05

As it’s not a whole class party, I wouldn’t invite Rose, not when she’s hurting your DD. I’m saying this as a mum to 2 DDs; DD1 has been invited to very few parties which is sad for her but other girls are not obliged to invite her to their parties. DD2 gets invited to lots of parties and is currently talking about her own party and who she wants to invite/not invite. So I will be dealing with this question myself.

I think it’s only when it’s a whole class party that it’s unkind to leave one child out. Otherwise, she shouldn’t be pressured into inviting a child who hurts her.

I would be honest with Rose’s mum about the reason as well; I appreciate honesty where my DDs are concerned.

Sarahrellyboo1987 · 27/10/2017 17:30

Life is crap and you do t get to choose what you're invited to. However - it sounds quite alarming that her behaviour has changed so drastically! Maybe she could do with being reminded that people care about her.

dazedandconfused12 · 27/10/2017 17:31

We have had similar situation. I used to coerce my child into inviting people she didn't like but tbh what's the point

Katiekatjas · 27/10/2017 17:34

Maybe the child is upset and told her mum. It’s highly likely your child has told her she isn’t invited. Personally I think it’s mean leaving a child out and it’s encouraging your child to be mean also. You are the parent. I would talk to the mother and say she can come as long as she doesn’t hit or kick anyone because she has been doing that recently. Don’t people speak to each other anymore? Also if anyone hit or kicked my children I would speak to the mother.

Alasdair53 · 27/10/2017 17:40

When my son was that age most of the parents came to the party too, unless they were brought with a close friend by that friend's mum, so would her mum be likely to stay? If things got difficult and she wasn't having a good time, mum could sort it out or take her home if necessary.

kiloh · 27/10/2017 17:41

Difficult but they are all in their little click and at the moment Rose is out of favour - in similar I asked my daughter how she would feel if Rose invited all the others to her party apart from her, that you need to take peoples feelings into consideration. The other thing is her friends may have made her feel like they don’t want her to ask this girl, it could all twist round and backfire on your daughter if your not careful, they are 4 she may behave perfectly with you they are all still little and learning about social skills I think you need to take the lead

GreenTulips · 27/10/2017 17:41

In other countries they don't start school until they are 6 or 7

I hate this arguement, lots of kids are ready, why hold everyone else back?

Personally I think it’s mean leaving a child out

So OP should invite all the class then? Why not the whole school?

Also if anyone hit or kicked my children I would speak to the mother.

Schools advise against this as it causes issues in the play ground

lisypach · 27/10/2017 17:41

Firstly, your daughter is 4 years old, not 10+. I think the parent makes the judgement call. Seriously does she even speak in complete sentences????
Secondly, this type of behavior is called bullying! If you accept your daughter’s behavior along with her friends then they will think that it’s acceptable to Exclude and single out other classmates. Classic path of a bully - ignorantly promoted by the parent.
Finally, I’m sure eventually your daughter may fall out of friendship with this Rose however at 4 years old is it right to exclude her? It’s tough already for older kids who don’t get invited to parties but for a 4 year old - really. Perhaps she may be naughty but by who’s standard- your 4 year old daughter and her 4 year old friends.
Also, how would you feel if someone excluded you?

GrapesAreMyJam · 27/10/2017 17:42

This reply has been deleted

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

GreenTulips · 27/10/2017 17:44

Finally, I’m sure eventually your daughter may fall out of friendship with this Rose however at 4 years old is it right to exclude her?

There was no exclusion until Roses mum text angling for pen an invite

What if every mum did this?

Happyemoji · 27/10/2017 17:49

Maybe Roses mum is looking for allies to help support her with her dd. The op can ignore her but why get to know this person in the first place. The children will be spending all of there school years together. Why not show some support and talk to the mum it may help.

TickedOff · 27/10/2017 17:50

I would think that Rose’s Mum would assume it was you not wanting her to go rather than your dd, after all she is only 4

Increasinglymiddleaged · 27/10/2017 17:53

Yes, I've had a child in reception within the last 12 months EYFS is still preparation for school anyway and there are all sorts of teething problems, they are tiny children who are still learning and whose friendships tend to be transient. This will apply to both Rose and the OP's DD. Talk of cliques at 4 is just .

Borodin · 27/10/2017 17:55

There's a lot of presumption here. For instance Seriously does she even speak in complete sentences? At four? Did yours not?

Meanwhile I would say that those "friends" who asked not to have Rose were certainly influenced by their parents. The very idea of excluding anyone is a bad trait of adults. Children will just play with those who make them feel better, and it takes until seven or eight years old before they think about forming groups.

I would tell your child that people are people, and there's no reason to play with someone else if they don't like it. But at the same time, not liking someone doesn't mean that they're wrong.

Figamol · 27/10/2017 17:58

Oh they are only 4 bless them. Poor Rose has so much to learn or possibly even be assessed for her behaviour.

As a parent of difficult children (ADHD and autism) here is what I would hope would happen. Invite Rose but as nicely as you can let her mother know the friendship has been difficult lately and would she mind staying at the party to keep an eye on her.

Then you can let you daughter know she is protected and that she's being a nice girl for including someone that will hopefully grow out of their behaviour. There are so many reasons she could be behaving like this and it would be good if she has friends she can ride the storm with.

It's a totally different ball game at 6 or 7 when they really should and do have the right to choose their friends but at 4 mums still have a role in facilitating healthy friendships.

Just my thoughts :)

Happyemoji · 27/10/2017 17:58

Greentulips don't post rubbish my kids have not held anyone back. My children have been accepted in a top private school. My cousin who was homeschooled won a scholarship 100% off her fees. You need a better argument than that.

CorbynsBumFlannel · 27/10/2017 17:59

And there was me thinking that hitting and calling names was bullying. Not being sensible enough to give the children who do that a wide berth!
And unless the child has delayed speech which the op hasn't mentioned of course she will be speaking in full sentences at age 4!

muttmad · 27/10/2017 18:06

If I went to work every day and a member of staff repeatedly scratched and hurt me, I’d rightly not want to have anything to do with them, wether a person is 4 or 40 they are entitled to choose who they socialise with and at 4 should certainly not be forced to spend time with someone who physically hurts them just so the aggressor doesn’t feel sad!

Flip

1 2 ··· 17 18 19 ··· 31 32

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

Join Mumsnet Log In

This thread is closed and is no longer accepting replies. Click here to start a new thread.