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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

....to not invite this girl to my daughter's party because she's a nightmare!!!

783 replies

smokinhotchilli · 25/10/2017 23:27

This is so tricky! And all this is new to me so any advice would be great.
My daughter has been friends with a girl called Rose (made up name) for two years. They are both 4. There's a group of kids who have been close since nursery & they have all started school & are in the same class.
Have never been very close to Rose's mum but the girls occasionally meet up at weekends .... Or used to...
Since starting school, Rose has become a bit of a nightmare. According to my daughter, none of the group want to play with her, she hits, shouts, pushes, doesn't listen and is really naughty (all told to me by my daughter & the other kids) and they often tell the teacher .... I've seen Rose doing all of this before & after school.
My daughter is refusing to have her at her birthday party which is really soon & won't invite her. The mum texted to ask what's happening for my daughters birthday...
What would you do?
AIBU to ask the mum if everything is ok at home & mention Rose's behaviour in a gentle & considerate way? And then explain that my daughter doesn't want her at the party? Arghhhhh! Don't want to upset anyone.

OP posts:
Willow2017 · 26/10/2017 09:27

Its op's daughters birthday party. Its not some random party for the whole class. If she doesnt want someone there to spoil it thats her choice. Why should get party be spoiled just to please Rose's mum?

There is no obligation to invite anyone to your own party especially someone who is mean to you, its not ops responsibility to sort Roses behaviour out.
I certainly didnt insist my kids invited kids who were mean to them to thier parties.

littlebird7 · 26/10/2017 09:29

If Rose and her nursery group had not been such good friends for so long this wouldn't be an issue of course, there would be no obligation to invite her, but ALL the other children will be going to the party with the exception of Rose. My guess is Rose's mother has got wind of her being pushed out and has called to try and see off a possible bigger issue between the parents. Exclusion from parties like this is called bullying, and this could escalate as well into school life.
Better to be the adult and invite them all as a good example if nothing else!

user789653241 · 26/10/2017 09:29

It's totally different situation, all the girls in the class and 5/6 girls.

hiddley · 26/10/2017 09:29

Exclusivity innit. Makes the party all the more.... well.... exclusive.

We'll see them all on TOWIE in 15 years time. Rose can be the demon in the corner.

Rachel0Greep · 26/10/2017 09:30

@Miaowthecat that must have been so hard for your little girl and you. Glad to read that the new school is so much better.

OP, as others have said, I wouldn't be inclined to take a four year old's word as gospel. And maybe there is some exclusion going on by the others that Rose is reacting to.

And no, of course I don't think that any child should be hit or pushed. I would equally hate to think that she is reacting to whatever is going on, in the only way that she knows how to, and that might easily be put right with the intervention of adults.

I think Miaow's post is very insightful, and shows what can be going on even amongst small kids. I would invite Rose. I would have any parents that are happy to stay around there, including Rose's mother. Rose's mother might be hearing an entirely different version of events to what you are hearing.

hiddley · 26/10/2017 09:31

Massive derail but that dropdown ad for JL is making me feel like I am a four year old and I want to slap Justine. Grin

Billben · 26/10/2017 09:32

this "bully" as you describe her

I just listed the things OP had said Rosie does to other children. I didn't describe her as a bully.

Lovemusic33 · 26/10/2017 09:34

I would invite her, I feel sorry for her and her mother. Maybe ask her mum to stay at the party so if Rose needs to be removed from a situation she can deal with it. How is this child meant to learn how to cope in these situations if she's excluded from them?

Both my dd's have ASD, they don't have behaviour issues (they don't hit, bite etc..) but they can get upset easily and struggle with noise, they have been excluded from so many parties, this doesn't help my dd's, they do learn to cope with these situations but can't do so if they are excluded from them. A few parents have invited my dd2 to parties and play dates but have asked if I can stay, they understand that dd may have to leave early if she can't cope and that I am there to take her home if that happens. Of course if any of my dc's were to hit or bite at a party I would remove them and take them home ( it's never happened as my dd's don't do this and they know if they did we would be leaving).

I think your dd is too young to dictate who comes to her party, if you are inviting all the other girls in that class then Rose should not be excluded. Maybe it's a good chance to teach your daughter that not all children are well behaved and then some need a little guidance to know how to behave nicely. Talk to Roses mum, maybe mention that Rose has been a little bit boisterous towards your daughter and that you would like her to come as long as her mum stays with her.

WetsTheVet · 26/10/2017 09:34

She's 4. Have a heart.

RhiWrites · 26/10/2017 09:35

"thats what I thought too. If all the other children are saying they don't want Rose at the party etc, it does sound as if they're colluding with each other to exclude this one child, who, as others have said, may just be struggling temporarily, in which case she needs to be helped rather than ostracised. It's worth noting - ime anyway - in cases where a child of this age is an actual bully, the wider group tend not to say much about it"

This is some of the most enabling stuff I've read in mumsnet. No, this group of 4 year olds are not colluding to exclude one. They are consistently reporting the same story.

OP, I think you and Rose's mum should take the two girls out for the day, and both watch how they interact.

I don't think you should invite her to the party. It's not fair to make the one day a year that should be focused on your daughter include a child who hits her.

hiddley · 26/10/2017 09:39

If there is actual hitting going on, the teacher will be aware. The merry band of 4 year olds will be queueing up to tell the teacher about bad Rose. The OP needs to speak to the teacher, not put too much weight on the evidence of a bunch of 4 year olds in cahoots and invite the poor child to the goddamned party!

Increasinglymiddleaged · 26/10/2017 09:41

At the risk of stating the obvious 4 year old fall in and out with each other all the time. 4 year olds hit each other sometimes. I think a whole heap of drama is being created on both sides over nothing. I doubt Rose will be scarred by not going to the party, the OP may well lose the mum as a friend. But Rose's mum texting the OP is Confused anyway so that may not be a great loss. The chances are though by next week they'll all be friends again. Dd2 is in year 1 and has constant arguments with her friends, she never seems particularly upset but I can see a scenario where her best friend had a party and didn't invite her Grin. I wouldn't be stalking her parents over it though.

It's just a kids party invite her or don't but cut the drama, Rose is 4 she's highly unlikely to be evil.

WorraLiberty · 26/10/2017 09:43

OMG the drama on this thread about a FOUR year old! Shock

The OP is only inviting 5 or 6 kids.

Therefore she can make sure the adults keep a very watchful eye on Rose's behaviour and of course the behaviour of the other kids, towards Rose.

She's hardly going to be able to go off on a slapping and pushing spree.

If her behaviour doesn't change throughout the rest of the school year, I expect the OP's DD will have naturally gravitated away from Rose anyway, so this won't be a problem on her next birthday.

permatiredmum · 26/10/2017 09:43

Never ever invite a child out of pity.It never ends well.If your child dislikes someone -there is a reason. They are with classmates 30+ hours a week , they have a lot better insight into their character than parents have!

littlebird7 · 26/10/2017 09:44

Rhiwrites

Enabling?

They are four years old fgs not fourteen. Are we all not aiming to teach our children kindness and compassion and excluding a child from a party is not kind or compassionate! Especially when there is so little to go on that any of this actually happened.

hiddley · 26/10/2017 09:44

Why won't the OP come back out to play? Am I Rose? Have I been sent to Coventry?
We need answers dammit woman! Grin

user789653241 · 26/10/2017 09:47

She may have gone out... it's half term.

hiddley · 26/10/2017 09:47

Perhaps Rose has taken the OP hostage and is torturing her as we speak......... *nods sagely.

hiddley · 26/10/2017 09:49

Oh, they're only just back at school! Not half term where I'm from.

Original poster
smokinhotchilli · 26/10/2017 09:51

Hi everyone
Literally just looked at my phone
There's about 240 posts Confused
Haven't looked since around 1130pm so might take a while to read them.
I'm out with my daughter today so won't see any til much later
Thanks for the replies......

OP posts:
LondonGirl83 · 26/10/2017 09:53

I would invite Rose and make sure they played nicely together. Being inclusive is an important skill (especially for girls) and it can be very traumatising to be left out at 4 years old.

Your daughter and her friends may not be entirely innocent in the dynamic that's developed.

Willow2017 · 26/10/2017 09:57

Everyone saying op has only her dds word for the behaviour are missing the part where op has witnessed the behaviour herself.

Its not a whole class party so there will be other kids not going. You don't need to invite everyone to your own party. Its your day not a social experiment to see if another child can behave or not.

Aeroflotgirl · 26/10/2017 09:58

This time I would, not next year if your dd still does not want her. Mabey organise a playdate with your dd and Rose, with Rose mum present. See how they get on. You could ask the teacher if there are any issues between your dd and Rose as dd has told you Rose hits, and scratches. You cannot ask her confidential information about Rose behaviour or any SN she could have.

muttmad · 26/10/2017 09:58

It’s your child’s special day, she should absolutely decide who she wants to be there and as a parent I wouldn’t want to have to police my child’s party for signs that she’s being hit or upset.
At the same time this is about more than that, Rose’s mother is part of your friendship group, are you willing to lose this friendship? Isn’t it going to be really awkward for you going forward? If this mother is really close I’d suggest maybe texting back the truth, that Rose has been hitting and being spiteful towards your daughter and she is very upset about it and isn’t wanting to invite her, however you’d like to save the friendship and suggest a few play dates just your DD and Rose so they can sort themselves out without influence from their classmates?

hiddley · 26/10/2017 10:04

The thing is, the OPs dd isn't particularly upset. She is just adamantly telling tales on Rose. The OP never said my poor dd is crying every evening because Rose is hitting her.

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