To not be able to cope with all the extra curricular activities, days out etc?

[busymum2017]

Long time lurker but first post so be gentle with me.

I’m completely exhausted and need help!

A bit of background, I am married with three girls age 4, 5 and 7 and I work as a teaching assistant. My girls just asked me tonight if they could join rainbows/brownies tonight and I said no because I just don’t feel like I can cope with any more running around than I already do. They have gone to bed crying and I feel awful :(

I don’t know if I’m just pathetic but I feel like I’m struggling as it is, I feel like I am just rushing through their childhoods with no time to enjoy it. I will post an example of my week and if anyone can give me any pointers that I can’t see to help free up some time so I don’t feel so exhausted that would be great! Or maybe I’m moaning about nothing and this is what life with children is like?

Mon: work 8am - 3pm (girls go to breakfast club). School finished 3.15 home by 3.45. Make snacks and drinks, sort and pack away clean washing, cook dinner, make packed lunches, clean up from dinner, upstairs for baths, stories, spellings, times tables, everyone in bed by 8pm. Go and do a 20 minute exercise video (as advised by doctor I am overweight and un fit and my health is at risk) empty bins, then bath and collapse infront of tv/mumsnet for one hour then go to bed.
Tue: repeat above except I work until 4.30 home at 5pm (girls go to after school club) and I do not sort the washing. Clean loos instead of empty bins at night.
Wed: work 8am-3pm, go to gymnastics straight from school where each girls class is at a different time due to abilities, we get home at 7pm (girls eat in cafe I can’t afford too as well) baths etc everyone in bed by 8.30, then I cook clean up, iron uniforms, empty bins, too tired for any exercise and collapse.
Thur: repeat above but replace gymnastics with swimming and cafe food with happy meals.
Fri: work 8-3, come straight home after school, tidy messy house with colours papers jigsaws etc everywhere, dinner, clean up, baths etc then collapse In front of tv and fall asleep as so tired from the week.
Sat: take oldest to musical theatre for the morning then I go to the supermarket with younger dc. Come home make lunch pack shopping away, then do something nice with the girls like cinema, park, visit a relative etc for a couple of hours, come home, cook clean up bedtimes etc
Sun: clean house takes 3 hours, washloads, ironing, homework, cook roast, clean up, baths bed etc sit on sofa and think Sunday was worse than a week day :(

My dh works nights including weekends he has Mondays and Tuesdays off instead. He does garden, car stuff, family admin and bills, diy, decorating plus ebays our old stuff and takes over time at work if it’s available.

I want to study for an extra qualification but just can’t see how I could fit that in :(

6 weeks holidays are fine and I feel like I’m relaxed in those 6 weeks but the one week and two week holidays we catch up with relatives, old friends, school friends etc. I try and keep one day a week in the hols free but this week a friend who I have not seen for 2 years wants to meet up so that’s my one free day gone where I wanted to go and buy new bins for bathrooms new toilet brushes as our bathrooms are looking grim, girls winter shoes etc so now I will have to do that one night after school making yet another rushed night.

How can we slow down and enjoy life instead of constantly rushing here and there? Or is everyone else the same? Or probably worse and will tell me I’m lucky I don’t work full time?

As a bare minimum get your dh to do the shopping on his days off. And half of that three hours cleaning you’re doing on a Sunday. Or order online.

Surely if they go to rainbows or brownies you will get time off?

Rainbows/Brownies usually have a wait list so girls may not be able to start straight away anyway. What nights would it be on eg if it clashed with gymnastics they would have to choose anyway.
Agree DH needs to do more. Making tea Monday when he is off for a start.
Your girls are doing lots don't feel guilty.

Maybe DH is the problem then. He is never going to change though I’ve been trying for 7 years and he just can’t see, or doesn’t care, thar I can’t do everything alone. I do t want to leave him over this so I just need to find a way to cope. I will try the batch cooking, and try and iron one night a wee, any other tips? I can’t afford a cleaner and shop at Aldi so cannot shop online

There are plenty of threads about making men do their share but i would start with the following.
Don't clear up after his cooking. Dump his plates etc somewhere it will annoy him if necessary.
Get a central wash basket. If it isn't in there don't wash it. Do not pick up after him (or the kids!)
He does the bed changes and washes for the girls on Mon/Tues. Its not a big job that he can fit in around whatever he is doing.
I would also ask him to do the Tuesday club run - perhaps on alternate weeks to begin with?

In terms of the bedwetter - have you tried umbrella sheets? They go on top of the bed sheets and usually catch the wet, so that bottom sheets don't have to be changed. They also reduce the attack on the duvet covers etc. I've tried many things with my (older) bedwetter and there certainly help.

I honestly thought you were a single mum until I read some of the responses. You sound like you're doing a fantastic job but I can see how exhausting it must be. I think it's fine to say no to your children regarding them doing another activity, they are already doing plenty. As others have said your husband could help more but I also think you're going to have to get your children more involved in helping. Call a family meeting and tell them all you need some more help.

With regards to the wet beds, just let them wear pull ups! My DS wet the bed, in spite of the school nurses help and he just kept pull ups on. He stopped a few months ago at 10 and a half. So much less stressful for me and for him than him waking in a wet bed every day.

Tell them it will make them feel cleaner and get a better nights sleep!

Drop a day in the week. Work a day less.

Or get him to take charge of the kids Sunday or Saturday so you have a day off. Bit weird he has time off and you have none.

It can be more faff to drop and and pick up though. Say rainbows is 6-7.30 Monday and Brownies 7-8.30pm Friday that's 4 drop offs and picks ups for OP if her DH is at work plus having to take younger ones with her. Will add to rush after school and another quick tea before going out plus 3 uniforms to wash etc. I do think rainbows/brownies are a great experience but I can can see they do lots already and two more things are not going to make life easier.

He could at least prepare tea everyday and have a tidy round and sort the beds.

Oh and as much as I am a big guiding supporter, I do agree your kids do enough. If they want to go then they should drop something else (4yr old can't go till she's 5 anyway). Unless the unit runs on a Monday in which case say they can go if dad takes them!

I’ve tried pull ups but it makes their skin condition worse because of the urine. It’s such a shame as they would save me a lot of work!

Yes it’s the rushed dinners and driving around that’s the problem with rainbows/brownies, plus one would be in brownies one in rainbows and one not old enough so at different times

Yeah you're doing way too much. I don't honestly know how a person who claims to love their spouse can sit back and watch them run themselves ragged like that. I'm not sure what to suggest on that score as he apparently doesn't give a shit.

I have 3 kids and work 4 long days a week. They all do plenty of activities and I absolutely understand the feeling of not spending enough time with them but I don't feel completely overwhelmed because my husband shares the burden. And I probably have lower standards than you when it comes to housework. Could you drop a day at work or employ a cleaner? You shouldn't have to but it would be an easier solution than immediate divorce.

This is really all about how you feel about your DH as you are only responding to posts that criticize him. Maybe the best thing would be some relationship counselling so you can stop feeling so bitter?

Other than that you've already had some good tips:

Don't iron
Shop online (ASDA won't be much more than Aldi)
3hrs from a cleaner (could you cost cut to afford it? It's a god send)
Make the kids keep the house tidy
Shower the kids- much quicker than a bath
School dinners (they have to cater for allergies and your DDs will get used to what's offered- FSM might pay for your cleaner).

I don't think any of that will make you happier though, while you are internally raging at your DH.

OK try a kylie... [https://www.amazon.co.uk/Washable-Bed-Protector-Pad-Tucks/dp/B008645BP6/ref=sr_1_1_s_it?s=drugstore&ie=UTF8&qid=1508966207&sr=1-1&keywords=kylies+for+beds] put a plastic sheet underneath it, same size as the kylie. They draw the urine away, you will find it in the plastic sheet. Not a whole load of bedding to wash and much more comfortable for them.

Why are you paying after school club on Tues if your DH is off then? He needs to take responsibility for tea times & child sorting on those days after school. You. An then try to get ahead with other things and have done proper time off to yourself. I recommend a hobby fur Monday or Tuesday evening that gets you out of the house. Gym or swim, maybe, for your health?

Send them to brownies on a mon/tue and get DH to take them
Also if he doesn’t work on a Tuesday why are they going to afterschool club? Why isn’t he picking them up and doing homework /tea with them???

I think a cleaner would help so much. I need to find a way to afford one!

Sorry, x-post, I can see those options aren't affordable. Do you know any mums well enough to do some lift sharing for activities?

I help out at the after school club it’s a board games club and they come too.

I don't mean this to sound mean but you finish at 3pm. I get home at 7pm and do the same. I'm not being a martyr about it. That's just the way it is. An hour before the TV or on Mumsnet is more than I get!

BTW I wasn't suggesting that he shouldn't do more, or blaming you for how you feel (sorry, I read it back and it sounded like that). Just that unless you can find a resolution with him you are the one who is going to continue to feel bad, as I imagine he's quite happy with it.

Op did you read my post about the dla. You might be claiming and using the money for other things but if not it's fine to use it for online shopping a cleaner. The extra care your dc need takes away from your time.

Wow I could never get home at 7pm cook clean up do kids baths homework etc they wouldn’t be in bed until 10pm! You must be superhuman! I’m constantly exhausted. I do feel slightly better after starting the exercise though