To not be able to cope with all the extra curricular activities, days out etc?

[busymum2017]

Long time lurker but first post so be gentle with me.

I’m completely exhausted and need help!

A bit of background, I am married with three girls age 4, 5 and 7 and I work as a teaching assistant. My girls just asked me tonight if they could join rainbows/brownies tonight and I said no because I just don’t feel like I can cope with any more running around than I already do. They have gone to bed crying and I feel awful :(

I don’t know if I’m just pathetic but I feel like I’m struggling as it is, I feel like I am just rushing through their childhoods with no time to enjoy it. I will post an example of my week and if anyone can give me any pointers that I can’t see to help free up some time so I don’t feel so exhausted that would be great! Or maybe I’m moaning about nothing and this is what life with children is like?

Mon: work 8am - 3pm (girls go to breakfast club). School finished 3.15 home by 3.45. Make snacks and drinks, sort and pack away clean washing, cook dinner, make packed lunches, clean up from dinner, upstairs for baths, stories, spellings, times tables, everyone in bed by 8pm. Go and do a 20 minute exercise video (as advised by doctor I am overweight and un fit and my health is at risk) empty bins, then bath and collapse infront of tv/mumsnet for one hour then go to bed.
Tue: repeat above except I work until 4.30 home at 5pm (girls go to after school club) and I do not sort the washing. Clean loos instead of empty bins at night.
Wed: work 8am-3pm, go to gymnastics straight from school where each girls class is at a different time due to abilities, we get home at 7pm (girls eat in cafe I can’t afford too as well) baths etc everyone in bed by 8.30, then I cook clean up, iron uniforms, empty bins, too tired for any exercise and collapse.
Thur: repeat above but replace gymnastics with swimming and cafe food with happy meals.
Fri: work 8-3, come straight home after school, tidy messy house with colours papers jigsaws etc everywhere, dinner, clean up, baths etc then collapse In front of tv and fall asleep as so tired from the week.
Sat: take oldest to musical theatre for the morning then I go to the supermarket with younger dc. Come home make lunch pack shopping away, then do something nice with the girls like cinema, park, visit a relative etc for a couple of hours, come home, cook clean up bedtimes etc
Sun: clean house takes 3 hours, washloads, ironing, homework, cook roast, clean up, baths bed etc sit on sofa and think Sunday was worse than a week day :(

My dh works nights including weekends he has Mondays and Tuesdays off instead. He does garden, car stuff, family admin and bills, diy, decorating plus ebays our old stuff and takes over time at work if it’s available.

I want to study for an extra qualification but just can’t see how I could fit that in :(

6 weeks holidays are fine and I feel like I’m relaxed in those 6 weeks but the one week and two week holidays we catch up with relatives, old friends, school friends etc. I try and keep one day a week in the hols free but this week a friend who I have not seen for 2 years wants to meet up so that’s my one free day gone where I wanted to go and buy new bins for bathrooms new toilet brushes as our bathrooms are looking grim, girls winter shoes etc so now I will have to do that one night after school making yet another rushed night.

How can we slow down and enjoy life instead of constantly rushing here and there? Or is everyone else the same? Or probably worse and will tell me I’m lucky I don’t work full time?

Btw, I appreciate nights are hard but what about his days off? And he's setting your girls a terrible example by not even clearing up after himself after eating. You're well on your way to your whole family thinking that's what you exist for

Sounds pretty similar to my life. I think most parents with several DC have a similar lifestyle. I rarely sit down. However... I don't feel bad about saying no to extra activities, I rarely visit anyone unless i want to, I do a very occasional Sunday dinner and never iron!

I would keep the baths going... i do think children need a daily proper wash.

I'm not sure there is much to suggest in terms of shaving off time. I think the problem is often attitude (it's my problem too!) some people utterly thrive on the chaos and some are exhausted just by the thought of it all. I think a belts and braces attitude goes a long way but it's bloody hard when you feel like a hamster on a wheel.

Your DH is absolutely the problem! My DH works a lot of weekends and also has Monday off (other day varies) so on that day he does school drop off, pick up and takes DS swimming. He also does dinner etc. As I am working a long day at work!

You need to show him your schedule and ask when you get your day off?

Yep - tell the husband to clean up his own mess. To expect someone else to clean up food he has done for himself only is disrespectful. Also teach him to use the washing machine - he can throw loads in whilst he is off. If you need to do housework on sat/sun then he needs to do a share on his days off.
And teach your kids to clean up otherwise you will always be skivvying after them. My 3yr old is not great at clearing up but he knows how to clear his dishes, put his washing in the basket, put his books on the shelf etc.

Me and DH argue about once a week about his lack of contribution, he just shouts me down with “try doing a night shift” 😞

I would second the opinion you need a day off. Tuesday eve when your dh will have recovered from this night shifts might be a good idea?

Yes I feel he is disrespectful

I just can’t seem to get through to him though

I've made my dc slow down this school year. I had dc4 at Easter, in the summer term there were days I was picking up 1dc at 3 1 at 4.15 dropping 1 at an activity at 5.15 and picking them back up at 6.15. I don't even know how I managed it. There was 1 evening a week where they finished school at the same time and had no evening activities.
This school year they aren't doing any school clubs and the 2 older ones do 2 out of school clubs at the same time in the same place and dc3 does 1 on a Saturday morning. I'm hoping dc4 won't want to do any clubs!

Surely DP could at least do school pick up on Mondays and Tuesdays?

If I gave up the Sunday roast I could batch cook something that night, thanks. There’s also time on a Monday and Friday to batch cook. The only problem is me and DH have cut out red meat and I’m also a rubbish cook!

I see this time and time again on mumsnet, and in real life. Women running themselves ragged cos they do more than their fair share. My DP knows he couldn’t get away with that, cos I won’t let him. Stand up for yourself! He says try doing a night shift, tell him try working and looking after the kids!

So when is your day off? Don’t iron, order online. That’ll help - but if he has Monday and Tuesday you need to have at least one day.

Sprogletsmum yes it’s the clubs that are a killer! All there friends seem to do about 5 clubs a week!!

One all round solution would be to lose the husband. Then you only have yourself and DC to clean up after! You're doing everything like a single parent anyway, may as well go the whole hog and kick him out! He's a wanker.

"Try doing a night shift"

Maybe your DH should try doing your schedule? Working nights isn't an excuse to be lazy. It's universally agreed they are harder but he can surely tske a fucking bin out and maybe load a dishwasher/washing machine

But do their friends have 2 siblings? Or grandparents who help out? You are doing the best for your family, try not to compare with others!

He does add to the mess which sometimes tips me over the edge! And then he wonders why I’m always cross!

I think rainbows and brownies are great. What nights are they on? If they clash with swimming or gymnastics then it’s either/or. If they’re Monday or Tuesday your dh can take them.

Are you claiming dla for the girls am assuming severe excema? If not claim and use some of the money for a cleaner.

I would say you do work full time. I am a teacher and I work similar hours (except part time 3 days per wk). I know exactly what you mean about clubs, housework etc. It is a total nightmare. Could DC give up a club to do Rainbows/Brownies?

Oh and your dh is the problem, not your girls wanting to do extra curricular activities.
Does he sit on his arse two full days?!?!?

Yes I try not to compare but I feel like a failure :( they ask me why don’t you play with us? Why don’t we go on bike rides? I just rush around all the time and feel like I’m failing them :(

I have a 7yr old and two 5yr olds and it does seem relentless. Mondays DD has rainbows so we rush home from school and try to eat because she’s home too late to eat afterwards and as she only started reception this September she still needs to get a decent nights sleep.

Tuesdays the DTs have after school gymnastics so I pop home with DS1 and look at his spellings (I’d signed them up before starting school for this as last year their age group had gymnastics during a lunch time so it wouldn’t have had any impact). DS1 then has a swimming lesson which is miles away as there are no spaces at our council run pool (and the water there is freezing) so we all trek over there. Dinner before we go and the DTs usually take some colouring as the viewing room is too loud to sit and read with them. Home by 7.15 and all in bed by 7.30 with DS1 reading until the DTs are asleep and then I read a chapter from his book (something different to whatever he’s reading himself).

Wednesdays no after school activity yay! Occasionally this means the kids have a play date but if not they just play at home or in the garden.

Thursdays the DTs have swimming lessons while DS1 heads off to Beavers. By the time they’re finished I head over to my parents to pick up DS1s school bag as they’ve kindly collected him and dropped him at Beavers, and then I collect him. They also make sure he’s had a meal. All home by 7 and same routine as Tuesdays for bed.

Friday DS1 has after school gymnastics so I either drop DTs at home for DH to watch (he works from home Fridays) or we go to the park before collecting DS1

Saturday mornings all 3 have skate lessons then DS1 goes off to gymnastics for 3 hours. Chance for me to go shopping or look at phonics with the DTs. Afternoons are fairly low key and at home.

Sundays are either for chilling out at home and letting the kids choose what they’re up to (usually climbing trees in the garden or just generally messing around outside), or we head out as a family. We live in an old house that needs a fair amount of maintenance so if DH needs to prioritise that then that’s what happens

I have absolutely no routine when it comes to housework. It happens on the go. Laundry gets done as the basket fills up. School uniform doesn’t get ironed. I don’t have the time nor inclination. Polo shirts are on the uniform list and as they’re underneath jumpers this time of year I don’t worry about the odd crease. Dresses and shorts / trousers also look no different imo whether they’ve been ironed or not. Possibly helps that I’ve invested in non iron items. Who knows. The only items that do need ironing are DH’s shirts for work, but he’s particular about how they’re done so he gets on with that himself. As he should imo.

Washing up gets done by the dishwasher and all children know to at least take dirty plates and cutlery out to the kitchen, if not placed in the dishwasher. DS2 also helps unload it by passing things up to me to place in cupboards that are out of reach.

They ‘argue’ over who gets to feed the cats and they all come out to the garden to let the chickens out and check for eggs before school. They also know they need to be put away before dark.

They know that when they’ve finished with a puzzle or other toy to put it away before getting another one out. They’ve had this habit since very little. They also do puzzles in a particular place so if they don’t finish they can return to it later on.

I hoover around them and under them when I need to. I clean the shower and bathroom mirror when they’re in the bath on a Sunday night and as they’re getting out of the bath that’s when I clean it. Toilets get cleaned as and when and DH is good at keeping on top of them too.

Our main issue is things coming into the house with nowhere for them to go. Eg DH will see a bargain and buy it for some work to the house he has planned months down the line, and then it stays cluttering up the porch for ages. Or he’ll finish something but not quite get around to throwing stuff away or putting it away, and I don’t touch it because I’m not sure where it’s supposed to go. Oh and paperwork. Drives me crazy with bank and utility bills everywhere because we don’t have a filing system.