To not be able to cope with all the extra curricular activities, days out etc?

[busymum2017]

Long time lurker but first post so be gentle with me.

I’m completely exhausted and need help!

A bit of background, I am married with three girls age 4, 5 and 7 and I work as a teaching assistant. My girls just asked me tonight if they could join rainbows/brownies tonight and I said no because I just don’t feel like I can cope with any more running around than I already do. They have gone to bed crying and I feel awful :(

I don’t know if I’m just pathetic but I feel like I’m struggling as it is, I feel like I am just rushing through their childhoods with no time to enjoy it. I will post an example of my week and if anyone can give me any pointers that I can’t see to help free up some time so I don’t feel so exhausted that would be great! Or maybe I’m moaning about nothing and this is what life with children is like?

Mon: work 8am - 3pm (girls go to breakfast club). School finished 3.15 home by 3.45. Make snacks and drinks, sort and pack away clean washing, cook dinner, make packed lunches, clean up from dinner, upstairs for baths, stories, spellings, times tables, everyone in bed by 8pm. Go and do a 20 minute exercise video (as advised by doctor I am overweight and un fit and my health is at risk) empty bins, then bath and collapse infront of tv/mumsnet for one hour then go to bed.
Tue: repeat above except I work until 4.30 home at 5pm (girls go to after school club) and I do not sort the washing. Clean loos instead of empty bins at night.
Wed: work 8am-3pm, go to gymnastics straight from school where each girls class is at a different time due to abilities, we get home at 7pm (girls eat in cafe I can’t afford too as well) baths etc everyone in bed by 8.30, then I cook clean up, iron uniforms, empty bins, too tired for any exercise and collapse.
Thur: repeat above but replace gymnastics with swimming and cafe food with happy meals.
Fri: work 8-3, come straight home after school, tidy messy house with colours papers jigsaws etc everywhere, dinner, clean up, baths etc then collapse In front of tv and fall asleep as so tired from the week.
Sat: take oldest to musical theatre for the morning then I go to the supermarket with younger dc. Come home make lunch pack shopping away, then do something nice with the girls like cinema, park, visit a relative etc for a couple of hours, come home, cook clean up bedtimes etc
Sun: clean house takes 3 hours, washloads, ironing, homework, cook roast, clean up, baths bed etc sit on sofa and think Sunday was worse than a week day :(

My dh works nights including weekends he has Mondays and Tuesdays off instead. He does garden, car stuff, family admin and bills, diy, decorating plus ebays our old stuff and takes over time at work if it’s available.

I want to study for an extra qualification but just can’t see how I could fit that in :(

6 weeks holidays are fine and I feel like I’m relaxed in those 6 weeks but the one week and two week holidays we catch up with relatives, old friends, school friends etc. I try and keep one day a week in the hols free but this week a friend who I have not seen for 2 years wants to meet up so that’s my one free day gone where I wanted to go and buy new bins for bathrooms new toilet brushes as our bathrooms are looking grim, girls winter shoes etc so now I will have to do that one night after school making yet another rushed night.

How can we slow down and enjoy life instead of constantly rushing here and there? Or is everyone else the same? Or probably worse and will tell me I’m lucky I don’t work full time?

For pp who stated the skin conditions will probably resolve themselves. Psoriasis doesn't tend to. Trust me on that one. And it bloody hurts. It's not just flaky skin, it has an added complication for some in the form of psoriatic arthritis. Extra pain. Yay. And harsh medications on top of all the messy clothes staining creams over the years.
I'm sympathetic to your situation, I really am, but let's not minimise serious autoimmune conditions. And no, I don't claim any benefits. I work full time. Sorry to derail OP, as you were

Talk to your husband really he does nothing (actually that's not true he makes more mess)

I’d be cutting down on pretty much anything else (except work) before I said No to my kids doing a worthwhile activity they really wanted to do.

That sounds really full on op, no wonder you're run ragged. Can your dh not see how much it's taking its toll on you? When I began reading your post I thought you were a single parent until you say he works nights but gets two days off. You definitely need to sit down with him, work out the pressure points and where he can step up and do more. We have two dc but there's a big age gap so currently only one of them wants to do after school and weekend activities. He's almost 7 and currently does Beavers and swimming during the week. He wants to go to judo too but I've explained that something else will have to give before that happens as there's just not enough time/ money to do three things. I think it might also be worth having this discussion calmly with your DDs and perhaps see if they'll give anything up to go to Brownies/ Rainbows. At the moment you keep giving and giving your whole family 'more' of yourself, with nothing left to give yourself. Sorry if its been asked but could you afford a cleaner or someome to do thr ironing for a coyple of hours each week?

When I first read your list I thought you were a single parent! Was surprised to see you mention DH at the end as couldn't see where he was helping. Him working nights makes sense 're clubs but he needs to do more on his days off. 'Selling things on ebay' must take minutes if it's a regular thing, Boris there much household admin to do every week.
And you appear to do too much housework each night.
It also sounds like your girls are already doing a lot of clubs already and I agree, you've reached your peak capacity in terms of them. If they really want to do brownies, they need to drop one of the others.

Less cleaning and tidying and get husband and kids to pull their weight with that.

Your husband’s Monday and Tuesday he should be picking up all the household stuff to be honest.

Instead of outside clubs you could do family time activities. Sit with them for an hour or so sharing a board game or book etc. Think there is lots of pressure for children to always be doing something structured these days when it isn’t necessary. I’m a working mum too so understand the pressure. I’ve stopped all outside evening clubs this year (leave rurally so lots of driving to get places too) and I’m spending more quality time with them instead pottering at home.

We have 1 after school activity. Its 2×per week. Choose an enjoyable skill. Get the kids swimming. Once they can all swim, let them choose one activity. I'm lucky that both DC want to do the same activity and not only does it involve concentration and balance . .it teaches respect, understanding and the kids love it!!!

I hope this doesn't sound rude, but this doesn't seem like an awful lot to do in a week. Do you think your exhaustion could have something to do with your weight?

Your problem is not the activities it is the arsehole not pulling their weight in the home.

However your kids really need to just choose one activity each, and you need to spend the money saved on a cleaner. And talk to the school about how to offer better allergy free meals for your kids.

My routine is very similar to yours including work pattern.
I feel exactly the same and feel very exhausted constantly.
The one thing that has helped recently is using my slow cooker more. I get up a bit earlier and put it on so when I come home I only need to boil rice or cook veg etc.
Obvious one is meal planning and being extra organised (which it sounds like you do anyway) to cut down trips to the supermarket, it's annoying things go off so quickly and you can't do a weekly shop anymore, involving a top up shop mid week.
I don't iron anymore but the night before I just iron school stuff and work stuff so it's ready in the morning. Saves a lot of work.

Could you not send the kids to brownies and come home and do your jobs and have dinner prepared so that when you pick them up all your jobs are done for the night?
I would advise cooking something in the slow cooker on gymnastic and swimming nights to save money or just limit the cafe or happy meals to once a week?

Never understand blokes who are half responsible for creating a child but then don’t do anything towards their upbringing! Was your DH indulged by his DM? Or could she talk some sense into him & help him face his responsibilities? I too thought your were a single parent until the end of the post

OP, instead of watching TV one night, why not sit down and go through this thread, taking out the bits you think you’d find useful.

If it were me, number 1 on my list would be telling your DH that from now on, Saturday and Sunday are your days off and you won’t be doing anything on those days that doesn’t involve something you enjoy.

Your DH needs to do more, but I don't necessarily think you should commit to another activity. Soon enough the 4 year old will want to start doing activities which you will also have to add into the mix. Or the older 2 might start having different interests.
I have two kids and we had got to the stage of having something on every night, plus Saturday morning. That was 3 activities for one and 4 for the other. It was just too much and we all felt exhausted. Last year we dropped 3 activities and it works much better. You need a bit of down time! Also, there are always more and more things they could be doing. At some point you have to resign yourself to the fact that they won't be. I used to compare the opportunities I gave my DD with a friend who has one child, doesn't work and has loads more money than us. Unsurprisingly, my friend's child did more activities. There is no point in comparing.

I'd have a think about the clubs- some involve endless driving/activity on your part. Some could involve you (or your lazy dh) dropping off then picking up and maybe have an hour of rest in between! Your eldest is already doing 3 clubs, the other 2 are doing 2, thats a lot for that age so get them to choose which ones they'd rather do.

But yes your dh does nothing. Sounds like he has a very easy life, he only has to go to work. Whats he actually doing the rest of the time

Your DH should do more.
Ironing - what are you ironing? I hate ironing and see it as a complete waste of time. I find that if I fold clothes neatly (or hang them up), they're OK. As for school uniforms, hell will freeze before I iron DD's pinafore again and I would only iron my shirts before I wear them and buy non-iron shirts for DD.
If your DH needs to have stuff ironed, I'd tell him that he's more than welcome to do it himself.
DD is 7 and she has a checklist to go through after she comes back from school, such as wash the lunch box, dry it, put new stuff for the next day into it, hang up her uniform, have the homework checked. If she doesn't do the checklist, she can't play with her friends.
She is also responsible for making her swimming and hockey gear ready.
I find it a great help and she actually loves it because it gives her a feeling that we trust her.

1. Divorce your husband.

1. He has the children every Monday and Tuesday.

1. Problem solved.

Sorry to be flippant but I really think that if you just try to manage around your lazy arse DH you will sink. Even on his working days he’s capable of an hour or two of housework and domestic jobs.

I don’t know how you can live with someone who shows you so little respect.

Three points of attack:

1. Sharing the load. To a certain extent, get stricter with your kids, to a massive extent, get stricter with your husband! We each commit to a minimum 15m blitz when we each get in the house. You'd be amazed what you can get done in just 15m to keep on top of things when you race around the house doing stuff! And a massive NO to making mess in the first place unnecessarily. It takes exactly the same time to make a sandwich putting the rubbish in the bin as it does not to.

2. Automate/outsource. I count my time at minimum wage at least for household tasks. When you add £7.50/hr to the cost of say, shopping, an online supermarket comes a lot closer to Aldi! Tesco Delivery Saver means that even the biggest shops take 20m of my time picking and unpacking. This principle applies to buying non-iron clothes and making pack lunches too.

3. Might get flamed for this, but consider lowering your standards. I'm not saying you have to live like a pig in a sty, but consider how much of that 3hr clean is properly necessary, or making sunday roast etc. I agree that housework should be split, but if one parent has a very different perspective of what 'ok' is to the other, it can massively exacerbate the divide. I'm not saying have no standards whatsoever, but my parents did hardly any cleaning. Mum did the washing up, we did the vaccuuming. Dad did the drainage work (don't ask - weird house!), we fed the chickens, mucked out. The bathroom got cleaned once in a while as did the fireplace, the kitchen floor weekly. Anything that wasn't an entirely necessary task just didn't get done. And you know what? It wasn't squalor and we all survived. I do more than that, but I would seriously be considering cutting that 3hrs down to two.

There's no point running yourself ragged to achieve a standard that you can't even enjoy because you feel exhausted.

Yr h definitely needs to do more. My hub has 3 days off a fortnight, and that's when he's not covering. His 'jobs' are walking the dog morn/eve, garden, cars, and does the weekly shop. I do all the washing, and tidy throughout the week, etc. Quite often he will tidy and clean too. It's teamwork, luckily my kids are older, we set them up on a washing up rota and it works. They put their clothes away and they make sure dirty clothes are by the machine. They load/unload dishwasher. They can also put the cleaner round and do a bit of dusting.

If you have to iron, do it on a sun, or better still chuck in tumble and it's soft. X

I hope this doesn't sound rude, but this doesn't seem like an awful lot to do in a week. Do you think your exhaustion could have something to do with your weight? < I'd hate to hear you when you ARE trying to be rude. Did you read that the OP is up in the night with DCs who bedwet? RTFTGMF!

Rosie there is a low rate of dla for children. Creaming was one example of the extra care the op carries out for her dc. psoriasis and excema are not the same as issuing a bit of sudocrem when changing a nappy.
If the op spends more than an hour carrying out care more than she would will a dc without health issues she is entitled to claim dla for them.
If she doesn't then she isn't , it's really that simple.
It's not disability/health issues top trumps.

I actually agree with Leilaniii. Most of us have similar schedules and longer working hours, it's hard but not 'exhausting'. Suggesting things that may help including losing weight is as valid as the other advice the OP has received in my opinion!

It sounds like you are very overwhelmed and stressed at the moment and things might not seem as bad if you get some time to recharge and slow down.
I think he needs to pick them up Monday and tues and feed them and take them to brownies if it’s on one of these days. He still gets all day to himself which is more than you have at the moment.
I don’t iron anything and get my daughter to help tidy. I speed clean/ tidy by setting a timer and doing what I can in 10 minutes for each room. Sad but it’s quite motivating.

We plan meals in advance and do online orders. On sainsbury website you can make a scrapbook of recipes for the week and add ingredients to your basket. We do this so we can try new meals and cook large portions to freeze or eat the next day.

Ditch the ironing altogether. Seriously. You'll never look back. DH can iron his own stuff if he needs it. But really, who gives a stuff if you're a bit crumpled. Hang smart stuff in the shower for a steam.
Prioritise a cleaner. Expensive I know, but it'll make a massive difference to your life. You could get someone in once a fortnight to just help you keep on top of it. (I do this - works out cheaper obvs and means every other week I get a break). Could you ditch some TV services, a monthly takeaway or something to afford it?? It's more important than any of them if it'll help you cope.