To not be able to cope with all the extra curricular activities, days out etc?

[busymum2017]

Long time lurker but first post so be gentle with me.

I’m completely exhausted and need help!

A bit of background, I am married with three girls age 4, 5 and 7 and I work as a teaching assistant. My girls just asked me tonight if they could join rainbows/brownies tonight and I said no because I just don’t feel like I can cope with any more running around than I already do. They have gone to bed crying and I feel awful :(

I don’t know if I’m just pathetic but I feel like I’m struggling as it is, I feel like I am just rushing through their childhoods with no time to enjoy it. I will post an example of my week and if anyone can give me any pointers that I can’t see to help free up some time so I don’t feel so exhausted that would be great! Or maybe I’m moaning about nothing and this is what life with children is like?

Mon: work 8am - 3pm (girls go to breakfast club). School finished 3.15 home by 3.45. Make snacks and drinks, sort and pack away clean washing, cook dinner, make packed lunches, clean up from dinner, upstairs for baths, stories, spellings, times tables, everyone in bed by 8pm. Go and do a 20 minute exercise video (as advised by doctor I am overweight and un fit and my health is at risk) empty bins, then bath and collapse infront of tv/mumsnet for one hour then go to bed.
Tue: repeat above except I work until 4.30 home at 5pm (girls go to after school club) and I do not sort the washing. Clean loos instead of empty bins at night.
Wed: work 8am-3pm, go to gymnastics straight from school where each girls class is at a different time due to abilities, we get home at 7pm (girls eat in cafe I can’t afford too as well) baths etc everyone in bed by 8.30, then I cook clean up, iron uniforms, empty bins, too tired for any exercise and collapse.
Thur: repeat above but replace gymnastics with swimming and cafe food with happy meals.
Fri: work 8-3, come straight home after school, tidy messy house with colours papers jigsaws etc everywhere, dinner, clean up, baths etc then collapse In front of tv and fall asleep as so tired from the week.
Sat: take oldest to musical theatre for the morning then I go to the supermarket with younger dc. Come home make lunch pack shopping away, then do something nice with the girls like cinema, park, visit a relative etc for a couple of hours, come home, cook clean up bedtimes etc
Sun: clean house takes 3 hours, washloads, ironing, homework, cook roast, clean up, baths bed etc sit on sofa and think Sunday was worse than a week day :(

My dh works nights including weekends he has Mondays and Tuesdays off instead. He does garden, car stuff, family admin and bills, diy, decorating plus ebays our old stuff and takes over time at work if it’s available.

I want to study for an extra qualification but just can’t see how I could fit that in :(

6 weeks holidays are fine and I feel like I’m relaxed in those 6 weeks but the one week and two week holidays we catch up with relatives, old friends, school friends etc. I try and keep one day a week in the hols free but this week a friend who I have not seen for 2 years wants to meet up so that’s my one free day gone where I wanted to go and buy new bins for bathrooms new toilet brushes as our bathrooms are looking grim, girls winter shoes etc so now I will have to do that one night after school making yet another rushed night.

How can we slow down and enjoy life instead of constantly rushing here and there? Or is everyone else the same? Or probably worse and will tell me I’m lucky I don’t work full time?

We have a fairly flexible rule of one out of school activity, and up to two after school clubs for our three (12, 10 and 7) Even with that rule we have no free days during term time where no one has an activity (even weekends involve football on Saturdays and hockey tournaments most Sundays) It only works because dh coaches football and hockey, so he finishes work early on.a Tues and Fri to take the training sessions, and can take the boys and bring them back. I lift share with another mum for brownies and after school rugby - is there anyone you can do a lift share with for swimming or gymnastics?

I never iron. Problem solved.

Slow cooker - on a Tuesday night we have school rugby, 20 minute break then hockey, so I chuck a chilli in the slow cooker and we can all grab food when we can. Dh and Ds1 eat after hockey and Ds2 Dd and I eat after rugby. I couldn't cook a full meal and clean in between sorting pick ups, kit changes and homework etc so I stopped trying!

Have to say, none of it would work without dh pulling his weight, so I think you need to flag with your husband that you're finding it hard going and need some support.

For those suggesting that the op loses weight, eating less is only one half of the equation. Given her schedule (which most on here agree is a lot to do, except those who are super mums obviously) when is she to find time to exercise? I have 2 dc, work ft and really struggle with this. I've resorted to running in my lunch hour twice a week and once at weekends. BUT I have a dh who pulls his weight.

Put them on school dinners instead of packed lunches. They're free for years r/1/2 aren't they?

Why are the youngest kids having accidents at school / in bed? (I say this as someone with an almost 5yo who isn't yet night time dry)

I think DH is the major problem, if he thinks that mon/tues it is okay for him to do nothing because they are his days off then ask him if he is going to do all of the work on sat/sun they are your days off. Adults with DC don't get days off where they get to do nothing. He needs to pull his weight on Mon/Tues, giving you a chance to get ahead for the rest of the week. Life is manic with DC though, I had to say no to Cubs because we simply couldn't fit in more than three activities a week and keep our sanity.

Do you work at your DC's school and are you the one who has to change your DD's after an accident?i Apologies if I'm way off the mark, but I wonder if some of the daytime accidents are deliberate to get your attention. If not, have you checked that there are no underlying causes like uti or threadworms that need treating?

Re the Girls bedwetting .... What has the GP said?
Just slow down life for you all.
Tell the girls when they are dry they can do rainbows. Give them an incentive. I agree with above. Possibly trying attention seek if there is no medical problems.
I don't agree with parents work at the school of DC.
Tell DH to do more!!! Also if no medical condition for wetting then you have no chance of getting DLA.
Please slow down!!!

I'm shocked that your DH has two days off yet seems to do so very little. It really doesn't sound like he has much respect for you. I would guess the resentment will build up over the years. Only you can decide if you are prepared to put up with being treated like this though.

Do you think your DDs don't tidy up after themselves or do much to help as this is what they have leaned from your DH - it's just you that runs round after everyone and no one else has to chip in.

There are some small changes you can make and you've been given some good suggestions but I think no matter what you do, even getting a cleaner, you're still going to end up exhausted unless your DH does more. Even with a cleaner and batch cooking, etc, you will still be left with all the little jobs and it's the constant little things that are draining.

It made me feel sad when I read that your DDs ask you to play/ride bikes with them. Your DH is stopping this happening. They are only little for such a short time.

With him off two days, you could have a really good quality family life. He could wash/clean/batch cook leaning you free at the weekend to spend time with your kids and you would only have to concentrate on after school activities in the week. It seems such a shame he is refusing to allow this to happen.

I agree with everyone who is saying your DH is the problem.
Also, the bedwetting is a serious issue that needs to be prioritised if it hasnt already.
Please, please slow down.
Your DH needs to step up and be a parent.
I am not saying this to get attention or sympathy, but I have recently lost a child. You can bet your life I dont look back and wish I had done more cleaning.
You will never get these precious years back.

Ditch anything that isn't absolutely vital. That includes ironing and homework. We are very sporadic with homework in my house and they are thriving at school. My ironing board is rarely used. And I certainly don't clean every day apart from keeping kitchen clean after cooking and do you really have to make a roast every sunday?

OP?

Are you there?

Yanbu. Your life sounds a lot like mine was before I had dc3 and stopped working .
You're not being mean , you do tons .
It gets easier when they get to high school , it'll be bliss .
Don't iron anything . Get a large indoor airer if you don't have one and plonk it near the radiator leave it to line dry it won't need ironing.

Having looked again at the op. The dc actually only go to Swimming and gymnastics and one goes to a MT class at the weekend.
The after school club and breakfast club I presume are because the op is working.

A lot of what is listed is just what we do everyday. Cook dinner, wash up, put uniform out for next day and do packed lunches.

Dd is now pursuing a business based on her after school activities. At 17 she is a qualified teacher in one activity and will take her teaching exams in the next couple of years in another couple of pursuits.
Ds might also pursue an eca as a career.

I have two suggestions. SIgn up for the course you want to do and take yourself off to the library every Mon/Tue evening to study for it. DH does childcare those eves. To be honest, your relationship sounds poorly balanced and you may need higher earning potential in future. See if you can get DH to a Relate session perhaps in Feb half term if things are no better.

Secondly, get your iron, thyroid and vitamin D levels checked. I have had low energy and depression a couple of times due to levels of these being out of whack. At least rule it out.

Online shopping. Stop ironing unless absolutely necessary. Can you afford a cleaner, even if it’s just an hour or two every other week to blitz bathrooms?

My DC have after school clubs Tuesday and Thursday, play drop in Wednesday, that's it. They'd be exhausted with any more, never mind me!

For God's sake! Never mind tips about ironing and cooking, cut right back on everything.

There is absolutely no need for your girls to be doing swimming or gymnastics or any extra curricular activities at all. They will be FINE if they just go between home, school, the park etc. They are tiny. And they need a simple life.

And you have three young children. That is quite enough to manage, never mind with work on top.

What is this obsession with shoving kids in after school activities to the detriment of the entire family (especially the mother). This is Western madness.

And frankly, with swimming, there's no sense in starting them until they're at least 5. Waiting until 6 is absolutely fine. They learn much more quickly when they're older (cheaper for you!).

In a family, everyone has needs and in this set up, your own needs OP are being completely ignored. What works for mother, works for everyone. So the girls cry for five minutes, so what? Better than having an exhausted mother.

Ditch swimming lessons
Waaay too much faff with 3 littlies and the pissing about for half an hour plus happy meals cost money, plus its 2 hours + when you can't relax

Go swimming as a family weekly/fortnightly instead then you get exercise too

Tell them you'll think about Brownies (and/or some other club thing that they all go to at the same time ie not different classes) if they still want to go after the clocks go forward in March, littlest is too young anyway.

Online supermarket shopping is also great.

I feel knackered just reading your schedule.

I'd knock musical theatre on the head too. She's 7. Have a lie in instead tbh

Online shopping and less cleaning i’d suggest. If they already do swimming and gymnastics I wouldn’t feel bad about brownies, they can’t do everything. It’s hard with working every day but you are finishing at 3, it shouldn’t be as hard as it is for you. Be kind to yourself and it does get much easier as they get older.

Like everyone else says, you have a dh problem.

Take your Monday. You work, then come home and do all childcare, and all housework. Your dh does nothing, not even cleaning up his own mess. How, just how can either of you think that's reasonable? He's taking the piss out of you.

With regard to activities, they aren't doIng that much, but it's hardly surprising when you're basically a working single parent of 3. You're comparing their activities to children who presumably have 2 engaged parents.

Why do you want to stay with this man?

I'd knock musical theatre on the head too. She's 7. Have a lie in instead tbh

Put all 3 in there and get the morning to yourself.

aye, that would work too so long as someone else takes them and brings them back

How are things OP?

Ditch the ironing

Lower your standards re tidying, cooking etc

Tell the girls to have school lunches (my son has multiple allergies too and was very fussy but school dinners have been the making of him!). They will eat once they are hungry enough . Packed lunches are a lot of faff you could do without.

Tell DP he can either pull his weight more or pay for a cleaner