To not be able to cope with all the extra curricular activities, days out etc?

[busymum2017]

Long time lurker but first post so be gentle with me.

I’m completely exhausted and need help!

A bit of background, I am married with three girls age 4, 5 and 7 and I work as a teaching assistant. My girls just asked me tonight if they could join rainbows/brownies tonight and I said no because I just don’t feel like I can cope with any more running around than I already do. They have gone to bed crying and I feel awful :(

I don’t know if I’m just pathetic but I feel like I’m struggling as it is, I feel like I am just rushing through their childhoods with no time to enjoy it. I will post an example of my week and if anyone can give me any pointers that I can’t see to help free up some time so I don’t feel so exhausted that would be great! Or maybe I’m moaning about nothing and this is what life with children is like?

Mon: work 8am - 3pm (girls go to breakfast club). School finished 3.15 home by 3.45. Make snacks and drinks, sort and pack away clean washing, cook dinner, make packed lunches, clean up from dinner, upstairs for baths, stories, spellings, times tables, everyone in bed by 8pm. Go and do a 20 minute exercise video (as advised by doctor I am overweight and un fit and my health is at risk) empty bins, then bath and collapse infront of tv/mumsnet for one hour then go to bed.
Tue: repeat above except I work until 4.30 home at 5pm (girls go to after school club) and I do not sort the washing. Clean loos instead of empty bins at night.
Wed: work 8am-3pm, go to gymnastics straight from school where each girls class is at a different time due to abilities, we get home at 7pm (girls eat in cafe I can’t afford too as well) baths etc everyone in bed by 8.30, then I cook clean up, iron uniforms, empty bins, too tired for any exercise and collapse.
Thur: repeat above but replace gymnastics with swimming and cafe food with happy meals.
Fri: work 8-3, come straight home after school, tidy messy house with colours papers jigsaws etc everywhere, dinner, clean up, baths etc then collapse In front of tv and fall asleep as so tired from the week.
Sat: take oldest to musical theatre for the morning then I go to the supermarket with younger dc. Come home make lunch pack shopping away, then do something nice with the girls like cinema, park, visit a relative etc for a couple of hours, come home, cook clean up bedtimes etc
Sun: clean house takes 3 hours, washloads, ironing, homework, cook roast, clean up, baths bed etc sit on sofa and think Sunday was worse than a week day :(

My dh works nights including weekends he has Mondays and Tuesdays off instead. He does garden, car stuff, family admin and bills, diy, decorating plus ebays our old stuff and takes over time at work if it’s available.

I want to study for an extra qualification but just can’t see how I could fit that in :(

6 weeks holidays are fine and I feel like I’m relaxed in those 6 weeks but the one week and two week holidays we catch up with relatives, old friends, school friends etc. I try and keep one day a week in the hols free but this week a friend who I have not seen for 2 years wants to meet up so that’s my one free day gone where I wanted to go and buy new bins for bathrooms new toilet brushes as our bathrooms are looking grim, girls winter shoes etc so now I will have to do that one night after school making yet another rushed night.

How can we slow down and enjoy life instead of constantly rushing here and there? Or is everyone else the same? Or probably worse and will tell me I’m lucky I don’t work full time?

Folding washing up hot out of the dryer or straight off the line cuts down massively.

Your DH should be batch cooking things like shepherds pies, chilli that you can just zap in the microwave when you get home. There's also no reason why he can't be doing day to day cleaning while the house is empty and seeing to the DCs before he goes to work. Running the hoover over, keeping surfaces clean as you go and emptying bins doesn't exactly eat into hours and hours of time, so you should be able to come home to a more or less clean house.

I also thought you were a lone parent until near the end of your thread. If DH gets two days off, which two days off do you get?

And if you cut out red meat I’m a veggie and can suggest :
Quorn chilli ( no one can tell a difference except it is less dry!)
Same with quorn bolognaise

Stop ironing anything you can get away with, the tumble dryer is your friend and we'll worth going outside for over having to iron.
You're doing an awful lot of tidying. I have 3 young kids (all 6 and under) and 3 dogs. If I wanted the house to be tidy all the time I'd have to tidy as much as you do. But I had a revelation one day, that no one has ever wished they'd cleaned more on their death bed,
The washing/housework will still be there tomorrow if you miss a day

There is a lot of running around, I feel it too. But I always think that it's all term time only really and so it's never that long til the next break. Do you get school holidays off? That's more than many people and a good chance to enjoy a slower pace.

The gymnastics and swimming nights do seem long.

Having said that we also have 2 nights a bit like that:
Swimming x2 one night (but with a gap between school and swimming)
And one night where we do piano plus ballet x2 and have picnic tea in the car.

2 nights I work & only collect from childcare at 6pm, (other work day is only til 3pm) 2 nights are full of activities & fri is the only night we have nothing after school.

So I don't think your set up is that unusual and it's great they've got the opportunity to do gym, swimming etc. I don't think it's mean to say no to brownies as not sure how you would fit it in, you could always give them the option of dropping something else. also I think as they get older things will naturally drop off so this stage won't last forever!

Other differences are I have a cleaner and don't do much in between, you'd probably be horrified at how much mess there is but I do one weekly blitz.
Secondly I don't iron any uniform at all and not sure why this is needed. Can't you get away without it?
We use an ironing service for DH's shirts.

Although I have some time 'off' in the week I have a 2yr old and am in an orchestra, am a trustee for a charity and heavily involved in church stuff all of which takes up quite a lot of time.

Sorry that was waaay long and didn't mean it to be all about how much I fit in, just wanted to give a bit of context.

I do need time in the holidays to recharge (tho don't always get holidays off), so yes I think not doing so much in holidays might help?

Probably between you and me what gives with me is that I'm sure my house/laundry/ironing standards are lower! It's amazing how much laundry you can blitz in 1 or 2 days and not do any the rest of the week!

We get holidays off but seem to end up busier seeing relatives and friends. Maybe I should invite people round to clean instead 😂

Definitely look into DLA. They tell you on the form to answer as if for the worst day ever, so one where you were up all night changing several children and their beds etc - it has to be worth a punt.

That extra money would pay for a cleaner for a couple of hours a week, which would free up some time for you to e.g. sit down and have a well deserved bloody rest batch cook on a Sunday, instead of doing your big weekly clean.

Husband to pull socks up. At the very least he stops leaving his shit around for you to pick up as if you were his personal skivvy. He also needs to pitch in with the big Monday homework push, iron the girls' PJs along with his work shirts, do either drop-off or pick-up on Tuesday. I'm not seeing where he does any parenting of his children in the average week and it would be good for all of them if he did.

You sound absolutely worn out - I second what a PP said about going to the doctor's, there are all sorts of treatable little things that could be contributing, e.g. thyroid - and I certainly wouldn't be considering any extra activities until you get a better balance for yourself in your family's life.

Slow cooker is your friend for cutting down time. My kids don’t like all of them but we used this as a starting point .

whoneedsacape.com/2012/11/crockpot-freezer-cooking/

I know not everyone is keen but have you thought about freezing sandwiches. We do school dinners so don’t need to but a friend preps all her sandwiches for the week on a Sunday. Pops them in the freezer and grabs them out on the day.

If you just decant the slow cooked food into keep warm containers you won’t need restaurants for your kids when out.

I forgot to add two youngest dds still wake at night, usually with a wet bed. I think that adds to my tiredness. I’ve had blood tests done and they were all clear.

Also I have bad eczema and daily washing makes mine so much worse. Just cream without the bath and take it down to 3x a week?
I shudder when I have to shower because of my skin

I would drop the swimming class and occasionally go swimming as a family activity on a weekend - then you can get some exercise too. I always enjoy swimming with my kids.

I'd also only do one after school activity a week - so get the kids to choose which they want to do. Maybe tell them the money saved is being saved up for a special treat in the summer holidays?

I agree that internet shopping is an excellent time save, you can get anything online these days. And you can get supermarkets to deliver in an evening/tea time I believe, so it comes when you're actually in!

Your life doesn't need to be like this. You need to make a big deal out of this. Tell him you want to talk. Sit down. No distractions. Tell him to pull his weight. What's the point in being with someone who just adds to your stress and workload. He should be halving it.
Tell him you're on your knees and you need him to do his share. If he still gives you crap then you know how he feels about you and your worth.
Maybe explain if you decided to split up with him coz he's a waste of space that he'd have to take on half of the kids stuff, plus cook, clean, wash, iron and tidy his own house on his days off but you'd actually get some time off so is sounding good to you! That might make him realise he's being a bellend.

I am exhausted I think I might try and explain that to dc tomorrow. I just can’t do anymore than I’m already doing, the 4 clubs a week already feels too much for me.

Also, could you afford a cleaner so you're not doing the three hours on a weekend?

Thanks everyone for all the tips, it’s reslly helpful I’ve got a few things to look into. I’m off to bed now ready for an action packed activity day tomorrow. Why oh why did I agree to that! I could of done with staying in and catching up on everything. Feel bad to say no though as it’s with the dds school friends and I don’t want them to miss out

Could you put an activity on a Mon or a Tue so your Dh can manage 3 children at the Activity, thus freeing you up time to do what he does not do?

I actually assumed you were a single mum until I read the mention of your husband. When are your days off if Monday and Tuesday are his?

I don’t actually think it’s too much and with some more organisation and getting your husband to do his fair share it shouldn’t be too bad

1. Online food shopping
2. Stop ironing- remove from tumble dryer and fold quickly after or buy non iron uniform
3. so you have a dishwasher? Your eldest is more than old enough to take responsibility for loading and unloading
4. your husband needs to sort his shit out.

Stop ironing, do your shopping online, yes say NO to more activities.

Secondly, your husband is not pulling his weight with the day to day. “Ebaying old things” is something to do every three months. Put him in charge of bedtime.

Thirdly, why spend an evening buying items for the bathroom? Seriously that is a complete waste of time. Your husband can buy those on eBay while he’s on eBay.

Fourthly, you don’t pick up toys, clothes , paper or shoes. Your children drop them, your children pick them up and no tv until it’s all picked up.

Also ... show DH this thread. He needs to know what you do for his children ( and yes he is 50% responsible).

Busymum2017
Read again what MyDcAreMarvel said about the extra work you have to do with the children because of their allergies, eczema and bed setting that causes you extra work against what someone would have to do with a child without these health issues.

I have posted as you seem to on my think that the bathing/creaming/steroid cream would be included in the hour.
You would have to include the time spent changing and washing the bedding as due to their condition they cant wear pull-ups.
Basically its anything that you do for them were can say "due to her condition i have to" whatever.
Please make time to make enquiries with Claiming Dla, you can probably make a claim online.
The money that you are entitled to is none means tested i.e. it will not affect any other benefit you may be claiming (Tax Credits etc). And you could earn £200,000 p.a. and still be entitled to it.
It's not a small amount, even for the Lowest Band, it's something like £20 per week for each child.
There's your cleaner paid for, right away.
Best of luck! You sound exhausted and defeated! Here's some REAL HELP you are entitled to. Do it!!!

Have you ever tried the Pure Potions Skin Salvation range for them? Might be worth a try.

OP also teach your youngest two how to strip the beds and load the clothes into the machine and teach your eldest how to add the softener and detergent and all of them how to use the tumble dryer so they can contribute towards the washing

Don’t worry about tidying a million times a day, let it slide until dinner/bedtime then they all have to tidy away their toys in a 5 minute tidy up time task. Tell them that all toys left out after this time will be taken to the charity shop the next day

I taught my 8 year old how to hoover today using our big clunky Henry hoover. He was fine at it but it did make me think I might get one of those cordless skinny ones and ask him to hoover every 2-3 days. Is that something you could consider?

It’s not on the way you’re being treated at home

I think part of the problem is that you are putting everyone else,s needs first and neglecting your own. Easily done but please think about yourself too and what you need. You clearly need a day off.

You could cancel your day out and the sky won't fall in. Could you say you're exhausted and feeling unwell (true). Or even cut it short?

Also op if you receive tax credits, they would increase by up to £60 a week per child, in receipt of low or middle rate dla.