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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friend takes presents to charity shop if you don't get her what she wabts

201 replies

Happyhappyveggie · 25/10/2017 21:05

Just that really- I have a friend who always lets you know exactly what she wants for her birthday. She told me the other day that she took a present her sister bought her to a charity shop as she hated it.
I've gone off piste this year and bought her a surprise and when I gave it her it was proper tumbleweeds and I could tell she wasn't happy.
Aibu to not bother in future? I feel quite upset- I got something really lovely and personal that i thought she'd like but I could tell that she hated it because she didn't choose it.

OP posts:
Cocobing29 · 27/10/2017 18:45

Omg!! In front of you and children? It's rude to do that anyway don't get me wrong but how rude in front of you

Abbylee · 27/10/2017 18:53

Food, flowers, candles.

They are not things that you expect to see again.

I completely understand choosing gifts. Its an expression of fondness. Its really not supposed to be about us though; its the giftee, not the giver's day.

Bexterfish · 27/10/2017 18:56

Maisy there's things of a range of prices on my woah lay. Some things are only a few quid so it didn't push anyone into anything expensive. For example i spent ages reserching cycling gloves, or the right pair on my list and my parents bought me a cheap alternative. They are useless. I can't but the pair i want because i have a pair but they are crap. I'll probably charity ship them and but the ones i want but is a waste of my mom's money to bought the ones i didn't want that arnt sutable

sayyouwill · 27/10/2017 19:03

She sent you a pic of what she wanted. You KNOW she is fussy, why not just text her back and say “I can’t afford that, what else?”
I know it’s too late now but no good crying over spilt milk!

MaisyPops · 27/10/2017 19:23

Bexterfish
If family ask for a specific item then that is different to creating a gift list of presents thay are acceptable.

I've asked my family members to get me specific camping equipment and like you and your gloves I spent ages researching which things I would like. The main thing is family ASKED and I replied with specifics and they would feel comfortable enough to say no if it wasn't doable

Circulating a gift list for passing 'what would you like for your birthday' from friends and wider family still feels a bit off to me.

rainbowduck · 27/10/2017 19:28

I hate the culture of present buying, because I often receive stuff that I just don't want. I don't know how to tell people anymore without being considered ungrateful, because even when I say I don't want gifts (which I do every birthday and Christmas), I am ignored and end up with a pile of unwanted presents kindly given by friends. It's sweet, and I smile and gush and say thank you, but I really really really really just don't want it.

Yabu to expect her not to give stuff to charity if she doesn't want to keep it. That's her choice.

Yanbu to expect a gracious response.

I would love it if my mates just stuck to buying me a beer... (and maybe a box of aspirin for the next day).

LadyOfTheCanyon · 27/10/2017 20:12

Rainbowduck

100% this.
OP - YADNBU to expect a gracious response at all - BUT - (insofar as I understand people like to buy presents and don't want to piss on their chips), I provide a list for those that insist.
Anything outside this remit gets resold/regifted/donated.
If in doubt- perishable. So food, alcohol, flowers, plants, toiletries etc. All very welcome.

Franklyyes · 27/10/2017 20:15

With some friends we chat about doing different things i.e. Spa day, concert etc ... if something nice comes up I'll suggest doing it as our Xmas pressie to each other.
If I do get gifts I don't really want I always show pleasure at someone taking the time to get me something ... sometime I might sell it on eBay but if I do I buy something specific with the money. Sometimes give to charity or a prize for a charity do.
Some people are better than others at buying gifts.
Maybe suggest doing something different this Xmas - a day out with food and drinks or a spa .., nice to spend quality time with friends xx

alypoole · 27/10/2017 20:21

Surely when buying a present you buy what U think the recipient will like. Not what they bloody well ask for! That’s not a gift it’s a demand!

Artmum1234 · 27/10/2017 21:40

I don't get some people on here, maybe you've forgotten the whole process of giving? A loved one or friend has gone out of their way to buy you something they think you would like. They've put thought into it and they've thought of you, it's extremely rude to ask for something, it's pretty selfish tbh. If they ask you what you want maybe then yeah but if they are buying you a present then they can get what they want. If she wanted something that bad tell her to buy it her bloody self. To act like that when someone's just given you something makes you look like a bit of a brat..
I'm always extremely grateful that someone's thought of me to buy me something, when they didn't have to. Friendship is much more important than possessions

brotherphil · 27/10/2017 22:05

So do I. I regularly have clear outs and give loads to charity.
So do I, despite being something of a hoarder. It's not the same thing as taking a present straight to the charity shop or sticking it in the bin. One should at least stick it in the cupboard for a year or so to pretend.

LadyOfTheCanyon · 27/10/2017 22:12

Artmum

Everything that you say is also true. However if I don't like it, while I might appreciate the sentiment, the gift is knackers yard bound. I'm not hanging onto stuff I don't want or like, however thoughtfully it's been given

Raindancer411 · 28/10/2017 04:20

I have a friend like this, who always gives me 2 or 3 things to choose from. I get some really bizarre things back. A couple of years I gave a list of ideas from my Amazon and asked if items from there and they have nerve got something I wanted or close to. Its always more something that they are interested in that they choose. I have started to just get what I want now and have to be honest, I would had suggested we stop as hate people wasting money.

silky1985 · 28/10/2017 05:58

cant you just buy her a voucher, is it not easier for her and you

alypoole · 28/10/2017 10:54

Hear, hear!

Nikephorus · 28/10/2017 11:17

They've put thought into it and they've thought of you, it's extremely rude to ask for something, it's pretty selfish tbh. If they ask you what you want maybe then yeah but if they are buying you a present then they can get what they want.
You see, I don't get this ^^ attitude. If you're buying someone a present then surely you want to give them something they'll appreciate for more than the 10 seconds it takes them to say thank you? Something they'll use or that they'll enjoy having around to look at. Otherwise you've wasted your money and you'd have been better off either giving them the cash directly or not bothering at all. And if you know what someone would like then buying something different is just plain thoughtless - you're basically saying "I don't care what you like, I'm buying what suits me".

LondonGirl83 · 28/10/2017 11:23

Some people are very particular and only like what they like. It doesn't make them bad people. The fact is, she probably would prefer you not waste money on something she hates. You can't like something just because it's thoughtful

expatinscotland · 28/10/2017 12:21

I cannot believe anyone is suggesting that the OP buy this rude cow another gift in this lifetime.

JacquesHammer · 28/10/2017 12:40

You can't like something just because it's thoughtful

You can act with a modicum of good manners about it though....

SwearySwearyQuiteContrary · 28/10/2017 12:51

OP, why didn’t you text her back and say “I can’t afford that, choose something else.”

NotCitrus · 28/10/2017 14:58

Why is it good manners to let someone waste £30 or more on something they hope you might like but you know you won't? The idea that a present must be new and packaged and from a shop and then everyone has to pretend they like what they get, is surely promoted by shops trying to sell more overpriced gift items.

50 years ago when any physical item was expensive then giving anything as a present made sense, but now stuff is cheap while space for it is much more expensive, so ideas about what is 'thoughtful' need to change.

Katherine2626 · 28/10/2017 15:26

Sounds a bit 'precious' and entitled - I would buy her a bunch of flowers in future if you really do get on well , or treat her to lunch. If she's not that special a friend i would just give her a card. Very ungrateful person though....I always feel lucky to have a present bought, whatever it is!

Alidoll · 28/10/2017 18:17

Buy the gift and ask for a gift receipt - if person loathes the item, they can take and exchange for something they prefer (if you know they like that particular shop). Sorted.

Or...give them money in an envelope or voucher and they can buy what they want.

My mum buys me the weirdest items, yes it hurts her when I ask if she's still got the receipt but better that than it never being used (she wanted to buy my aunt one of those walking frames for her Christmas but managed to persuade her it wasn't a good idea...I could just picture my aunts face opening that on Christmas Day!)

letsmargaritatime · 28/10/2017 18:29

I don’t keep stuff I don’t like! Why would I? If someone gifts me something I don’t like them I smile and thank them and give it to charity.

Bumbumtaloo · 28/10/2017 20:45

I’m shit to buy for, always have been. I can’t even get it right when I buy for myself and quite often send back/exchange what I have bought for myself.

Unfortunately no matter how hard I try and I have for many years, my face gives me away if I do not like something.

When I was younger my parents (divorced) would ask for a list of what I like, including size and then would pick from the list so I would still have a ‘surprise’.

I have now reached a solution with my mum, every year I get the same presents - dressing gown, socks, smellies, slippers and chocolate to open on Christmas Day. She will usually buy me my main gift if I mention we need something for the house and she will get it as when for me - this year she bought us a new bed so that was our present.

If anyone else asks what I would like, I answer truthfully and say nothing. I would much rather people spent the money on themselves or my DC.

In saying all of that, I do think your friend was rude and it must have been hurtful for you. As others have said I would no longer exchange gifts with her.

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