Friend takes presents to charity shop if you don't get her what she wabts

[Happyhappyveggie]

Just that really- I have a friend who always lets you know exactly what she wants for her birthday. She told me the other day that she took a present her sister bought her to a charity shop as she hated it.
I've gone off piste this year and bought her a surprise and when I gave it her it was proper tumbleweeds and I could tell she wasn't happy.
Aibu to not bother in future? I feel quite upset- I got something really lovely and personal that i thought she'd like but I could tell that she hated it because she didn't choose it.

I've tried every year to get people to agree to no presents, because of this issue.

I shell out for stuff that they have asked for and get something that I don't want back.

I haven't got the disposable income to do that and I certainly don't have the house room for stuff that I don't want.

We agree budgets though, which we can all afford.

You should have told her that you couldn't afford what she asked for and negotiated a new spending amount.

I think cards only is fine. I only get presents for close family and for friends on significant birthdays.

I think in the circumstances then, her wanting something too expensive, you both getting things the other doesn't really want, her being an ungrateful cow. The time has come for cards only! Or if she is normally a good friend can you do a thing, cinema, dinner at one of your houses ect, that's what I do with close friends now! None of us need stuff and it's hard to find time with out an excuse so birthdays ect are celebrated by doing something as opposed to presents works well for us?

I don't think there's anything wrong with donating it to charity, it's better than it sitting in a cupboard in her home at least this way someone can enjoy the gift. I often take unwanted gifts to oxfam, I think half the time people give gifts that they themselves like and don't buy what the other persons likes. I think donating gifts is fine.

Send a fiver to the charity and cut out the middlewoman.

If it's 'i would really appreciate a photo frame this year' and you ignired her and bought her a set of beautiful hand painted coasters then I can see why she might think 'i've already got coasters' but then I wiuld keep them on one side whrn my original set get funny and then put the new ones out. Or i'd give to charity on the hush.

If she is saying 'these are the 3 items specifically i want' then she is being rude and demanding. I wouldn't bother in future with her.

Give her present that you didn't like back to her on her next birthday

@maisypops she sent me a picture of what she wanted. I couldn't afford it so I got something very similar but got it very wrong

Do you have to be friends with her? I would hesitate to have someone so entirely lacking basic manners. It's bad enough that she asks for specific gifts but acting anything less than pleased and grateful when you receive a gift is just shocking. I won't even mention the giving away a telling others about it thing.

It's not always about being ungrateful or horrible.

A friend of mine has a view that if she likes something, then everyone else should. She knew I didn't like Onesies and that I also dislike anything that looks like animal print.

No prizes for guessing what she got me for Xmas one year! It went in the bin.

Just buy people what they like, don't buy anything or give a voucher. Not everyone likes the same things or has the same taste.

Then you know wjat OP she is being an ungrateful bitch. By doing that she is essebtially directing you to spend a set amount on her.

Next year just tell her you've done a donation to charity.

Sometimes "something similar" can be a worse gift than "something else entirely".

Something else entirely, you might have a use for.

Something similar but not the thing you want, is no use to you. If you then get the thing you want now you'll have two similar things (of which one you don't like so much).

Surely telling people specifically what you want is saved for family. It’s a bit odd to dictate to friends.
My friends give suggestions but sometimes it’s just a bottle of wine or similar. Friends you smile and be grateful, I don’t think present swapping with friends is all that necessary. It would be different if it was your DH giving you random shite every year.

YABU to choose something completely different if your friend has been quite specific about what she wants.
She INBU to give things she doesn't want to the charity shop. What is the point in them clogging up her house if she doesn't want them?
If someone wants something specific, then either get it, or say I'll get it joint with someone else, or joint between birthday and Christmas, or thats more than I was going to spend, here's some money towards it or a voucher towards i t, OR agree that you aren't giving presents anymore.

Asking for something costing more than a tenner is really cheeky.

I come from a family that does few surprises but I think your friend is very rude- and ungracious. It would would have cost her nothing to thank you and smile.

I get lots of presents I'm not keen on. I would never dream of being that rude to the giver! They've spent time and money.

Honestly, the easiest thing to do is stop buying each other presents, then there can be no disappointment or stuff being sent to charity. Simple. I don't buy any adult friends presents bar my best mate and my parents and cousins, all chocolates or booze that I know they like.

I think its ok to ask for something, eg slippers, but not to ask for a specific pair of slippers.

She is telling you how much to spend on her and then getting all moody when you don't do it. That's what is so rude about this.

I hope she has some other redeeming qualities, but this character flaw would be a deal-breaker for me.

I think when friends are that picky, it's better to either get them what they've asked for, if you can afford it, or send them a voucher towards it if you can't.

Twice in my life I have been given something that was nearly what I asked for and it's been quite disappointing, to say the least - my 18th birthday, when the stereo system I'd been given didn't have the spec I'd asked for (my parents then took me to the shop to swap it for the one I had asked for, same price, just the right spec) which was very good of them really, I should have had better manners.
The second time though I felt justifiably aggrieved, as I'd pointed the exact item out to DH, it was very beautiful and I'd said "this one" while touching it. He got something not only very different, but also very ugly and more suited to a 90yo grandma. I couldn't speak about it until I was able to get back to the shop and swap it for the beautiful item I had actually asked for.

Other than those 2 instances though (over 50 years!) I have always been polite and grateful for presents I have been given, even if they're not exactly to my taste. And I'd never tell anyone that I send unloved presents to the charity shop!

but again if I wanted something specific, I’d find it quite tiresome to receive something cheaper that wasn’t quite what I wanted

Me too but I'd still say be polite and look pleased.

I thank god that my friends and I don't bother with gifts. Everybody gets lots of cards for their birthday and then a meal out is organised, whoever wants to go goes and we pay for ourselves. It nice just to get together and spend time eating drinking laughing and gossiping.

We really really don't need anything and if we did, we'd just get it for ourselves, not wait for a birthday and hope someone buys us the exact thing we want.

She was rude not to graciously thank you for the present, but not rude to pass it on so that someone could get some use out of it. If I get a bottle of rosé wine, which I don't like, it's much more of a waste for it to sit in the cupboard until it turns to pink vinegar, than to give it to SIL who will drink it and enjoy it. It would be rude to say immediately, 'ugh, yuk, horrible, here SIL, you have this!' but no harm done by discreetly rehoming it afterwards.

I was so prepared to come on here and say yabu but sending a pic of a specific pricy item, then being annoyed when it’s not provided and not at least putting on a show seems rude.

I often have a situation with mil where she says ‘ I would like to buy you a gift’ - say as a housewarming gift. We say that’s very kind, you don’t have to at all, we do need a toaster. No, she replies, that’s only small let me get you something you need. So we say ok, we do need a microwave. Ok, she says, how about this bright lime green one that doesn’t match any of your appliances or your kitchen. No thank you we say, please save your money....

In that case we did manage to persuade her out of it and bought our own. But if she had gone ahead and gifted what she wanted I would have felt zero guilt on passing it on. The difference in my head is that we gave her lots of ways to gift something we wanted, she just didn’t want to do that and we were fine with that!

I find this whole thing about friends telling you what they’d like quite weird. My friends have never stipulated what they’d like and I’ve never done so either. It seems very rude to be so blatant about disliking gifts.