Friend takes presents to charity shop if you don't get her what she wabts

[Happyhappyveggie]

Just that really- I have a friend who always lets you know exactly what she wants for her birthday. She told me the other day that she took a present her sister bought her to a charity shop as she hated it.
I've gone off piste this year and bought her a surprise and when I gave it her it was proper tumbleweeds and I could tell she wasn't happy.
Aibu to not bother in future? I feel quite upset- I got something really lovely and personal that i thought she'd like but I could tell that she hated it because she didn't choose it.

Have you read "the gift of death" by George Monbiot about consumerism and presents? Most of us have do much stuff these days that adding to it with tat is almost a burden. I'm quite choosy about presents, I usually ask for a John Lewis voucher if asked.

Adults who present family and friends with detailed lists of what they want (unless asked) are pathetic. I know a couple who handed lists of presents in price categories, included the fucking bar codes and also listed things they definitely did not want. Bollocks to that! They've had fuck all from me since.

What should she have done with it if she didn't like it?

You found out (at a later stage) that she brought your gift to the charity shop. She didn't say it when she received it. I often bring unwanted gifts to the charity shop. I always thought it was a nice thing to do so someone who liked it could have it. I'm a bit bewildered by some of the responses here.

My sister didn't like the gifts I gave her children so she placed them lovingly and unopened in the bin.
I hear many parents bragging about binning children's gifts if they are "politically incorrect", like toy weapons or glamourous dolls (because OMG! Teaching violence and sex!)

unfortunately said friend doesn’t eat sugar or drink alcohol either so gifts like that are out as well
Somebody in her house will if she doesn't.

So she’s directly said she doesn’t want it? Tell her you’ll have it back, return it for a refund.

Well if she actually said ew I don't like this, then she's a cow!

Thinking about this further, I also give away unwanted gifts, unless I can easily exchange them. I don't have lots of storage space for things I'll never use and don't really like. I don't think it's fair to make an obligation on me to use something or store it indefinitely when I don't like it because you bought it.

I am always polite and grateful at the time though!

I think many of us would prefer no gift to more stuff in our houses that we don't want and then have to make a trip to the charity shop. When I was a young adult presents were great as there was so much I needed or couldn't afford at all myself. Now I'm middle aged with kids who generate clutter and really I need almost nothing. It seems a total waste when people buy items from a shop which will only get given to a charity which will recoup 10% of the price - if someone really doesn't want the kind of presents you like giving, you aren't actually being kind or generous.

Rude not to act thankful if it's the same as what she wanted, though nothing wrong with her exchange or return or selling and gifting it either since it isn't what she wants.

Though I do think sometimes being thankful isn't always a must. My friends dp are crap and always get her perfume or body washes when they have been told time and time again that perfume sets off her allergies and body wash her eczema. In that case I wouldn't be thankful I'd be saying no gifts! Which is what she's done this year to their dismay.

Is her name Rachel Green?!

She sounds very entitled and you sound very thoughtful.

There's nothing wrong with taking an inappropriate gift to a charity shop.

There is everything wrong with being obvious with your disenchantment with the present and acknowledging you'll be getting rid of it.

Stop buying her presents, she's not a pleasant person

Save effort and stop buying.

I hear many parents bragging about binning children's gifts if they are "politically incorrect", like toy weapons or glamourous dolls (because OMG! Teaching violence and sex!)

So what would you do if your child was given an inappropriate/dangerous toy?
I think a present of a toy gun would be the one time I'd say "sorry but we don't allow these" directly to the giver. I think they are dangerous.

The others would be put away or possibly binned - I think the word you are looking for is "sexualised" rather than "glamorous" and I have certainly seen some supposedly children's toys and clothing that falls into that category.
I'm happy to have my views on those type of gifts made public.

I've given stuff to the charity shop the day after I've had it

in the past, I was upset when someone received a gift very unenthusiastically but later realised why - there is no point gushing over it unless you want to receive it again

My best friend gets this spectacularly wrong as well and after having spent what looks like a lot of money on a custom made bracelet for my 40th (I have never worn a bracelet in my life and no longer wear a watch due to allergies), I thought, eventually I will say something. So I let 41 pass but this year, in time for Xmas, I gently said that I didn't feel there was any need for people to buy gifts for me anymore.

I have an Amazon wishlist, which has been studiously ignored, and never get given books by any friends or family, but always either girlie stuff, or stuff for the home, when I live in a tiny flat and have to control the clutter.

So I do understand much better now that people aren't going to act pleased when they get something they hate. Apart from anything else, no one wants their loved ones spending money on something that goes straight to the charity shop.

I love giving presents and am disappointed when I get it wrong. I think if you are given something you don’t want, giving it to a charity shop is the right thing to do though.

Why would you assume if you act as if you like something you've been given, you'll be given it again?

She shouldn't have been tactless about it, but some people don't seem to 'get' that to a certain type of person, they want to have everything in their environment making them happy.

I do make a show of gratitude, and I do buy things for my fiance that I know will make him happy even though I don't like them, but I don't like a significant amount of the tat people get me. If they're not likely to see it, it goes straight to the charity shop brand new if I can. If they are, I try and stick it out of the way. I can't honestly see why you'd want to do that to a friend when you know for certain something they WOULD like.

Send her a link to something you like for exactly the same price, then suggest you both just keep your own money, or buy the item for yourselves

Why would you assume if you act as if you like something you've been given, you'll be given it again?

If it’s something consumable - candles, chocolates, toiletries etc - then you might very well be given it again if they think you like it.
Easy to imagine someone thinking “ooh, X loved that fancy candle I bought her last year. I’ll buy her a new one this year!”

Why would you assume if you act as if you like something you've been given, you'll be given it again?

Bitter experience!

Oh, fair enough!

"Why would you assume if you act as if you like something you've been given, you'll be given it again"

not exactly the same, but if I look very happy with a candle, smellies, etc then something similar will arrive next year.

I must admit, in my case it's a particularly a thing with my best friend, who thinks the gift is about the giver (!). ..loves shopping etc and thinks vouchers are pointless.

That bracelet for my 40th was actually hand made. I felt terrible but really when your bestie forgets you can't wear a bracelet due to eczema/itching, plus i'm not girlie central anyway, it is totally pointless doing anything other than having a chat and saying "let's not do gifts".

I understand some people just like to buy stuff for others but I am at a loss why they don't think more carefully about it. I was also given a spectacularly scratchy yellow scarf by a friend who said "hardly anyone can wear this colour and you don't seem to wear scarves" - no, I find them fiddly and annoying and I never wear yellow because I hate it. I think this people who love shopping and love thinking what will suit someone in their eyes, but don't think on a practical level about what someone wants.

there could never be enough money in the world for books for me, but so far no one has ever bought books or book vouchers apart from my sister. I do see that an exchange of vouchers or money can be seen as pointless but in that case, just don't buy anything or pay for the next meal out or something.

I agree with Countfosco that people who buy things they like rather than things the recipient would like are the rude ones. Surely a gift should be all about what the receipient wants. You see it in the wedding threads a lot on MN. "I would just give them a large bottle of champagne " - why???? I don't like champagne, nor does anyone in my family, or, as far as I'm aware my immediate friends. Why do you think we'd want to end up with a dozen bottles of something we don't like?

In my life, adult friends don't normally get each other birthday presents (unless a big birthday where there is a party), but for family, I'd really, truely rather you didn't spend your hard earned money giving me something I don't want. What is the point? It isn't about the birthday girls at all.

someone also once said to me "a candle is ideal because even if the person doesn't use it, they can regift it".

what kind of logic is that?!

In January the charity shops here were full to bursting and had signs up saying "can't take any more donations at present". Interesting.

She asked for x and you got her something similar and cheaper y and expected her to be pleased?

If you could not afford x then you should have bought a voucher for the shop that sells x (to the amount you could afford, not the whole value of x) so that she could top up the difference and get x that she wanted. She didn't want y.

I am surprised at the attitudes on here really. We have enough clutter and useless possessions in this country. Why buy more, knowingly? She was rude ok but you were silly to buy her something other than what she wanted knowing she is particular and charity shops unwanted stuff. Did you think you knew better than her what she wanted? Above is how to overcome the budget constraint.