Friend takes presents to charity shop if you don't get her what she wabts

[Happyhappyveggie]

Just that really- I have a friend who always lets you know exactly what she wants for her birthday. She told me the other day that she took a present her sister bought her to a charity shop as she hated it.
I've gone off piste this year and bought her a surprise and when I gave it her it was proper tumbleweeds and I could tell she wasn't happy.
Aibu to not bother in future? I feel quite upset- I got something really lovely and personal that i thought she'd like but I could tell that she hated it because she didn't choose it.

Hang on, did she actually tell you she didn't like it? You said you could tell she wasn't happy.

But if she thanked you then I don't think she's quite the witch she's being made out to be.

And I thought it was ok to take unwanted stuff to the charity shop!

I am in the very happy position of being middle aged and having just about everything I could want. I try and dissuade family and friends from buying anything (not even token gifts) because most things will end up being overtly gratefully received and then discreetly donated or regifted. I hate to think of people wasting their money, but equally I don't want to fill up my house with unwanted items. At my age I value space more than stuff.

I agree that for older people the best gifts are consumables. The best presents I have received recently were two bars of Waitrose posh chocolate (value £3.50) from my sister, a bottle of Aldi gin from my mum and a very nice, posh, eyeshadow palette that my mates clubbed together to buy. Apart from that my nearest and dearest tend to buy each other show/cinema tickets or meals out.

It was rude if she didn't make a proper effort to thank you for the gift.

Giving things that you don't like to the charity shop has to make sense though, it raises money for others and de clutters your house at the same time.

@madmags no, she has told me she doesn’t want it. I am feeling pretty upset about the whole thing. Its just all to stressful tbh.

OP did you ask her what she wanted?

Or did she make a demand without being asked?

Picky friend sends you photo of item, you reply 'I'm sorry that's beyond my means, is there something else you might like up to (specify amount)?'
I've had a few tumbleweed moments with friends over the years and now I really play it as safe as I can mainly by repeatedly buying them consumable stuff I know they like-shower gel, hand cream etc.
Conversely my friends have given me some presents I've detested and they've gone to charity after a mourning period at the back of a cupboard

I’m dead fussy about possessions so these days I mostly get mo

Just remember not to make her guardian of your children if you get run over by a bus.

nonex

Sorry the app is mucking about!

*MONEY

Best gifts - chocolates or booze. Never seen/heard of anyone taking those to a charity shop.

@mrsbirdseye unfortunately said friend doesn’t eat sugar or drink alcohol either so gifts like that are out as well

There is nothing rude or ungrateful about taking unwanted presents to the charity shop. What else are people supposed to do with items they don't want, need or like?
However, it is important to say thank you and show appreciation for any gift.

It's a lesson then. Get her what she asks for, if you can afford it. If not you will need to explain that you can't buy things that expensive and she will need to suggest things you can afford. Seems quite sensible really if a tad boring and soulless.

I give unwanted presents away. I don’t have space to keep unwanted stuff indefinitely.

But, your friend sounds rude.
Asking for a specific thing without checking budgets - rude.
Showing you dislike the present - rude.

Much politer to ask for something general like chocs / wine / socks / gloves (without specifying a pricy brand) , and to do your best to look delighted when opening the present, even if you hate it.

Although it might be simpler in future to just tell your friend that you can’t afford the ££££ that her desired present would cost.

Why I never really buy anyone apart from sister a gift 😂I just don't see the point in adulthood -
Like ok spend 20 pound on eachother but choose what the other gets you or you won't like it
May aswell just keep own money and buy it yourselfs.

Trills has it exactly.

Best gifts - chocolates or booze. Never seen/heard of anyone taking those to a charity shop.

As long as it's not an enormous box of cheap chocolates (that would be taken to work asap) or nasty cornershop wine (will go I to the next casserole I make). Although admittedly that would be me using them up appropriately.

I hate people who try to give 'thoughtful' gifts which usually express their personality more than mine. SIL gives me hippy tat every year, I'd far rather get wine or chocolates or books from my extensive Amazon wishlist that you know about. But the one time she did give me a book it was a badly written worthy book that pushed her politics. Piss off and give me something I'd like. The only people who can get away with 'thoughtful' gifts are my sister and best friend. DH is never allowed to go off list, his taste leaves a lot to be desired.

The Amazon wishlist is interesting. My family all know about it and buy from it (except SIL). They all, without exception, buy the thing on the list that most reflects their taste. As I add things to my list I could pretty much predict who in my family would buy it. Most of us are a bit shit at presents I think.

Tbf I’d only ever mention something I’d specifically like to v close family. Mostly because if they want to spend £xx on me I’d rather it be something I specifically want rather than something I won’t use or a waste of their money.
We do exchange gifts among friends but not over birthdays and Christmas - it’s usually something like we went on a once in a lifetime holiday and brought you back a souvenir or you’re starting a new job here is a new penstand sort of thing. And those are just little things that brighten up your day.

Net net, gifts should make everyone happy! If they’re not making you happy - and I think your friend sounds a bit rude here overall - just switch to cards from next year!

If it's a gift, I keep it. Unless it the sort of stuff to get rid of without anyone noticing.

My sister didn't like the gifts I gave her children so she placed them lovingly and unopened in the bin.

That is just utterly rude. Inexcusable.

And re the Oxfam goat, I actually prefer to buy people like this toilets, or some kind of sanitation type thing. They're so appropriate (and I suspect have a greater long-term benefit, too). Buy a bog.

I don’t think it’s rude to pretend to like something you don’t. I’ve banned everyone from buying me stuff! I don’t want any more random chocolates that aren’t the one or two types I really like or wines that aren’t the grape or region I enjoy, or toiletries/make up that are not the brand I use, scented candles or any other household type tat (there is a reason you will not find anything similar in my house ever), gloves, hats, scarfs etc (I have one of each - very nice they are too of my choice & style!) etc. It’s such a huge waste of everyone’s time & money. Unwanted gifts being passed around from friend to friend. If you must buy gifts, then absolutely tell each other exactly what you want and if you can’t afford it then a voucher or cash towards whatever ‘it’ is would be appreciated I think.

I’ve also stopped everyone buying my son stuff too. Every year at Xmas, he chooses something he’s really like and then I just let everyone know and if they want to chuck a fiver in then it’s much appreciated. He’s therefore got a few really nice, much wanted, long lasting presents from everyone rather than endless £20 tat.

I'd just say, let's not bother with presents in future, I'd rather we want out for afternoon tea and a chat (insert whatever social thing you both enjoy).

Maybe she shouldn't have been so obvious, but why not give the gift to charity?

If she doesn't like it, it's better than regifting it or putting it on Ebay, IMO.

My DH and I both charity shop our unwanted gifts.

I'd be buying her a book on etiquette next time.