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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friend takes presents to charity shop if you don't get her what she wabts

201 replies

Happyhappyveggie · 25/10/2017 21:05

Just that really- I have a friend who always lets you know exactly what she wants for her birthday. She told me the other day that she took a present her sister bought her to a charity shop as she hated it.
I've gone off piste this year and bought her a surprise and when I gave it her it was proper tumbleweeds and I could tell she wasn't happy.
Aibu to not bother in future? I feel quite upset- I got something really lovely and personal that i thought she'd like but I could tell that she hated it because she didn't choose it.

OP posts:
expatinscotland · 26/10/2017 15:53

'And their teenagers all get given cash to their happiness, mine still gets given things he doesnt want, but like me, is grateful to them. Except his most recent birthday which they forgot, I have never forgot their elder children. Oh well.'

So stop giving their kids money. Just send them a note saying you think it's best to stop gift-giving entirely.

expatinscotland · 26/10/2017 15:57

I feel that once a gift is given, the recipient is free to do what she/he likes with it, but to tell you they donated it because you didn't buy them exactly what they told you to get, especially if not even asked, is just fucking rude and ungrateful.

STOP buying this 'friend' gifts, OP. Just tell her, 'No more gift exchange, please.' If she brings it up, just say, 'I think it's best to end gift giving between us, perhaps we should go out for coffee instead, my shout,' or the like.

Tabsicle · 26/10/2017 15:59

But again it depends. If she asked for leather gloves and you got her hot pink knitted gloves that's quite different than if she asked for £60 leather gloves and you got her £45 leather gloves

I also think it's really subjective how big the gap is between Thing A (requested) and Thing B (purchased). I have a friend who has very bad eczema issues so always asks for specific (not cheap) brands of toiletries because most of the cheap ones do horrible things to her skin. I know she's had a mutual friend grumble in the past because she gave said friend a perfectly nice Boots set of some kind and Friend regifted it. But what was she meant to do? Cover herself in a rash inducing liquid and say 'it's the thought that counts'?

My PiL tend to get DH awful stuff every Xmas, mostly as they always try and get him things relevant to his hobby which they really don't understand. It's normally poor quality and cheap versions of kit he's already got that he won't use as it'll not be great for him - think getting him fluffy woolly socks from Tesco and telling him they'll be good new hiking socks, when what he wears are sealskinz in order to not mess up his feet. In that case I just stole the fluffy socks and wore them quite happily, but realistically, they would be totally useless for their intended purpose. PiL wouldn't realise this as they've never really done wilderness hiking in bad weather.

Pericombobulations · 26/10/2017 16:09

Thanks Expat, I have considered this since they forgot my sons birthday. Especially since they have been reminded and still not even a card. Their youngest will be 18 this, year, so may make this their last present. Hate to punish the children for their parents.

expatinscotland · 26/10/2017 16:10

'Hate to punish the children for their parents.'

It's not, though. Do the children thank you at least?

JustWonderingZ · 26/10/2017 16:51

Your friend was tactless and impolite by showing she disliked your gift. But you (and the other PPs) are being v v v unreasonable to expect and force the receiver of the gift to give it space in their home if they don’t like it or got no use for it. This is worse than not giving a gift, this is lumbering the receiver with the burden of storing it or feelings of guilt if they want to get rid of it.

For this reason, I will always try and find out what the person would like and get them exactly that. I do not hold them to account if my gift was no good to them and they wish to re-gift it or dispose of it. I respect and value their right to a pleasant home. And so should you Smile The pleasure of the gift is in choosing it and giving it. Exactly that and no more than that.

Jaxhog · 26/10/2017 17:01

Skip the middle man (woman) and go straight to the charity shop. Donate something in her name and give her a nice card with a photo.

Nothing wrong with discretely giving a gift to charity, But to make a thing about doing it - that's just rude.

BackforGood · 26/10/2017 17:24

Thing is lovein, you don't know that your "thoughtful" gifts are always appreciated, because the vast majority of us are polite enough to pretend to appreciate things when we are given a gift.

StoatofDisarray · 26/10/2017 17:33

Sorry, YABU. This would really nark me. My flat is very small and I don't have the space for unwanted gifts. When I get them, I keep them for six months or so and then either sell them or send them to a charity shop, and I always feel guilty (and a bit resentful) doing it.

Also, beauty is in the eye of the beholder. What you think is beautiful, she might not like.

You don't have to buy her things, you know. I would rather have nothing, than the wrong thing. Maybe she feels the same way. I certainly wouldn't mind if someone gave away a gift I had got them. It doesn't happen much though, because I tend to ask people what they'd like, and then get them it, or if they don't know, give them a Selfridges or John Lewis voucher. Hence my feeling resentful when my wishes are overridden to cater to the tastes of the gift giver.

TroubledTribble28 · 26/10/2017 18:56

My sister is the gift-binner from upthread and I feel a pressing need to point out that I'm the pearl clutcher in the family so I didn't give Barbie dolls or toy guns. My wooden toys and craft kits were denounced as cheap shit and binned, apart from the year when she let the children have the presents from me early as they were bored and playing up so it didn't matter.

expatinscotland · 26/10/2017 18:58

I seriously hope you never gave her another gift again, Trouble.

TroubledTribble28 · 26/10/2017 19:27

Never Expat and she knows why (but still tells anyone who will listen that her family don't bother with her children or give so much as a card)

loveinanelevator · 26/10/2017 19:31

backforgood is that really such a bad thing? I don’t understand this entitlement when it comes to receiving gifts, if you are really that precious about getting the wrong thing then don’t expect anything.

I’m sure there have been times where I’ve missed the mark gift wise but is it really worth complaining about or being ungrateful? Similarly I have received gifts I’d never choose for myself in a million years but I wouldn’t dream of making someone feel bad, it’s just horrible.

BackforGood · 26/10/2017 20:59

I hate waste, Lovein.
I hate the fact that some people spend money on a present I don't want and won't use. I personally don't mind buying for one of my SiL + BiL, because they will send a link to something they would like and I then know that they will get something they want. My db and SiL, even better, we don't exchange presents, but my own sister insists on "choosing" what to get me, and time after time it just goes straight in my box which sits there for a few months until someone wants donations for a raffle or something. She refuses to buy anything i might suggest as apparently they "aren't presents" as they might have a practical use Confused. So, yes, it matters to me they have wasted their money. If they want to give away £15 without me getting anything from it, I'd rather they donated it to a good cause.

LondonNicki · 26/10/2017 23:13

I always think that it's not about the gift, its about the thought. I have received things that I would never choose myself but they are dear to me because my friend thought of me when he/she bought it. Isn't that the purpose of gift giving?

I find the whole making a list or asking for specific items quite strange personally.

expatinscotland · 26/10/2017 23:15

I'd never have discovered some of the wonderful products and things I love now had they not been gifts I tried out.

loveinanelevator · 26/10/2017 23:37

I really must live a sheltered life to have never known this to be an issue or to have made an issue of this myself.
From now on I will have to specify I will only accept gifts that meet my specific criteria and anything else will be deemed unsatisfactory and disposed of.
Who wants a link to my wish list??????

Prideinmyplace2 · 27/10/2017 17:45

What environmentally stars you areSmile

She reuses stuff she doesn’t want without secretly burying it and you gave her dried plants which can be eventually composted!

If only more people were like you two...

Prideinmyplace2 · 27/10/2017 17:46

*....burying it...in landfill

Youcanttaketheskyfromme · 27/10/2017 18:02

If she asked for something specific and then you bought her something different that she doesn't like I'm not surprised she doesn't like it.

It's rude to say so though.

If I'd been you and couldn't afford x then I would have told her hat and asked if there was anything cheaper she wanted or given her vouchers towards it.

Youcanttaketheskyfromme · 27/10/2017 18:04

Doesn't want* even.

Bexterfish · 27/10/2017 18:06

I always share a gift list with people i hate it when people buy a cheap alternative. If i go to the effort of selecting the thing i want don't give me some crappy cheap alternative. Then i feel like i cant but what i actually want. Either but sonething totally different, but what i want or don't bother!

MaisyPops · 27/10/2017 18:13

I always share a gift list with people i hate it when people buy a cheap alternative. If i go to the effort of selecting the thing i want don't give me some crappy cheap alternative.
If my friends had that attitude I would start thinking they're quite shallow and ungrateful.
Look at all this stuff that I think is good enough for me. Don't spend less and get me something that isn't up to my standards. I even chose the exact items so you can feel pushed into spending lots on me and if you don't get me something from my expertly picked list then it's really annoucing you can't or dont want to spens money on me.

If family ASK what items I would like then I will give some suggestions in different price ranges and ask them to tell DH so we don't get doubles. Circulating a gift list grabby i want i want list and then being funny about how well it has been followed seems a bit much.

musketeers123 · 27/10/2017 18:33

TroubledTribble
That is really sad. What a thoughtless way for your sister to act 🤤.
What an incredibly thoughtful way that you have handled this xxx

expatinscotland · 27/10/2017 18:45

Spot on, Maisy.

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