Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friend takes presents to charity shop if you don't get her what she wabts

201 replies

Happyhappyveggie · 25/10/2017 21:05

Just that really- I have a friend who always lets you know exactly what she wants for her birthday. She told me the other day that she took a present her sister bought her to a charity shop as she hated it.
I've gone off piste this year and bought her a surprise and when I gave it her it was proper tumbleweeds and I could tell she wasn't happy.
Aibu to not bother in future? I feel quite upset- I got something really lovely and personal that i thought she'd like but I could tell that she hated it because she didn't choose it.

OP posts:
LadyOfTheCanyon · 25/10/2017 21:26

To be fair I recycle/charity/bin loads of stuff including presents - but I leave it a certain amount of time before doing so and -this is the crucial bit- Don't tell anyone that's what I've done.

She's a rank amateur OP. Next time tell her you've donated some money to charity on her behalf. Cut out the middleman like.

drspouse · 25/10/2017 21:26

When you say she tells you what she wants, are we talking "I could really use some gloves, I like knitted ones" or "here's a link to the specific expensive gloves I want".

letsdolunch321 · 25/10/2017 21:26

Don't buy her anything else - ungrateful bitch. At least taking the gifts to the charity shop others benefit.

TalkinBoutWhat · 25/10/2017 21:27

If she sometimes does it, then good for her. If she always does it, then she's being a PITA.

OhWhatFuckeryIsThisNow · 25/10/2017 21:28

An oxfam goat is the thing then.

NotSuchASmugMarriedNow1 · 25/10/2017 21:28

YABU - I always take unwanted presents to the charity shop - usually the day after boxing day lol.

Don't really understand why you would ask someone what they want and then get them something else! that's just weird!

LipstickHandbagCoffee · 25/10/2017 21:28

But knowing friend is rigid and doesn’t want surprises why then get her a surprise
fwiw, I don’t get the rigidity but I’d want her to like my gift so I’d go with her instruction

PlateOfBiscuits · 25/10/2017 21:32

Wellllll... it really depends what you got her....

Tabsicle · 25/10/2017 21:33

She was VVVU to show you that she didn't like it. But not U to pass on unwanted gifts to the charity shop. What else is one meant to do with them? Keep them in a cupboard out of guilt? She should have had the grace to lie though.

emsyj37 · 25/10/2017 21:34

Sorry OP, some of us just don't like surprises!!! I know what I want. The last time I got a surprise gift that I actually liked was in 2003. People don't tend to buy me surprises any more, although DH does try. I do return things that he chooses that I don't love, and he's used to it now. Grin

Surprise gifts are not an essential component of life.

AcrossthePond55 · 25/10/2017 21:37

I don't think there's anything wrong with taking something I wouldn't use to a charity shop, where presumably someone will get some good out of it AND the charity will make a few bob. But I think she was pretty stupid to admit she does it! Does she think OP is foolish enough to think that she won't do it to her 'unwanted' gifts?

I do think that if someone specifies something then it's wise to stick to that as long as it's not out of the budget or illegal.

Original poster
Happyhappyveggie · 25/10/2017 21:41

Part of the reason I didn't get her exactly what she wanted was because I couldn't afford it so I got something similar

OP posts:
InvisibleKittenAttack · 25/10/2017 21:42

Drspouse has the crux of the matter - if she says something specific, like "series 3 of Game of Thrones", then YANBU - she might as well ask for £12. If she asked for something more vague like gloves, and rather than thinking wool vs leather vs fleece, or length or colour, you decided to buy her a pair of novelty socks, then YABU.

I wouldn't bother in the future. Offer to take her out for lunch as "you clearly don't like surprises"

ZaphodBeeblerox · 25/10/2017 21:43

If someone tells you what they’d like, surely it’s a bit passive aggressive to buy them something else? I have my heart set on a set of lenses for my birthday, discussed it with DH. If he now gets me a tripod instead or a pretty camera bag I’m going to be disappointed - a) it’s not what I want, b) it’s adding to general stuff spilling out of cupboards that doesn’t add value to my life. Now if it’s DH I’d just be honest. If it was a friend I’d smile and say thanks and then send it along to charity or sell or give away to someone who wants it.

Why should your friend needlessly fill her house with things you think she might like when she specifically asked for something else? If the other thing is too expensive or not something you’d like to buy just don’t give her a present? I never get offended or even notice if someone doesn’t buy me a present for any occasion.

RavenclawRealist · 25/10/2017 21:43

She was rude not to thank you for a thoughtful gift absolutely! If someone has put time and thought into a present the recipient shouldn’t be a child and have a strop it’s not what they want! That said I don’t think she is wrong to give things she doesn’t want/need to a charity shop. What is the point of it sitting unused in a cupboard when other people will love it?

I guess it depends a bit what she’s asking for if she always wants expensive presents then I would definitely stop! If what she wants is within budget I don’t see why you wouldn’t get that! Ultimately it’s up to you it should be a nice experience giving a present if it’s not then stop!

As for the sister binning presents what a dick!! Well done that poster for having no more of that!!

Ta1kinPeece · 25/10/2017 21:43

give her an argos voucher

InvisibleKittenAttack · 25/10/2017 21:45

Ah, so she asked for something particular - I'd not waste your money in the future. If she only likes certain things, either get that or get her gift vouchers towards it, or something completely unrelated like a bottle of wine/box of chocolates.

ZaphodBeeblerox · 25/10/2017 21:45

Part of the reason I didn't get her exactly what she wanted was because I couldn't afford it so I got something similar

Hard to tell without knowing your relationship but again if I wanted something specific, I’d find it quite tiresome to receive something cheaper that wasn’t quite what I wanted. Like the lenses. I’d rather save up and buy them later than buy a cheap set that won’t be as good and that I can’t teallt use but now I also will feel guilty about giving away or selling. It’s lose lose all around since you’ll have wasted money too!

emsyj37 · 25/10/2017 21:46

I am always very careful not to ask for something expensive. Actually my usual request if someone asks me what I'd like is 'scented candles', which can cost anything from 50p upwards. I think it is a bit off to ask for something that you aren't sure your friend can afford and that may be more than they planned to spend.

EvilDemonRaspberryOverlord · 25/10/2017 21:47

Part of the reason I didn't get her exactly what she wanted was because I couldn't afford it so I got something similar

Well, I was going to say that sometimes people hate surprises, but if she's expecting people to pay for expensive items, then I'd go with vouchers as a contribution towards whatever it is.

If you couldn't afford it, she shouldn't be expecting it.

HeebieJeebies456 · 25/10/2017 21:47

what are her gifts to you like?
Things you asked for?
Or does she choose to 'surprise' you?

She's obviously expecting you/others to buy her expensive items and that isn't acceptable.
She's being rude and bad mannered.

Tell her from now on she either accepts she has no control over your budget or she gets nothing.

endehors · 25/10/2017 21:49

Your friend has no manners. I've disliked a few gifts from friends over the years but I wouldn't have let them know that --which meant I got a similar present from same friend the next year as he thought I liked it.

Original poster
Happyhappyveggie · 25/10/2017 21:51

Well @heebiejeebies interestingly this year she got me something I didn't really like that much but I smiled, said thank you & that was that. I just feel like maybe it's time to just send cards instead of buying presents

OP posts:
NotSuchASmugMarriedNow1 · 25/10/2017 21:51

Purely out of interest OP - how much difference was there price wise in the item you brought her as opposed to the item she asked for?

Original poster
Happyhappyveggie · 25/10/2017 21:53

@notsuch about £15 difference

OP posts: