Friend takes presents to charity shop if you don't get her what she wabts

[Happyhappyveggie]

Just that really- I have a friend who always lets you know exactly what she wants for her birthday. She told me the other day that she took a present her sister bought her to a charity shop as she hated it.
I've gone off piste this year and bought her a surprise and when I gave it her it was proper tumbleweeds and I could tell she wasn't happy.
Aibu to not bother in future? I feel quite upset- I got something really lovely and personal that i thought she'd like but I could tell that she hated it because she didn't choose it.

I can kind of see where your friend is coming from op. I'm a bit fussy about gifts and feel really uncomfortable about receiving something that I won't wear/use , mainly because the buyer usually has worked really hard for their money and I don't want them to have wasted it.

I have relatives that send me an amazon/ebay list at Christmas and I'm fine with that as it's really nice to know that you're getting someone a thoughtful and useful gift.

Leave her , your too good for her

You have a friend who doesn't like surprises. Rather than buy her what she'd asked for or ask her for a cheaper idea you decided to buy her something cheaper and different. And you think she's unreasonable?
If you want her to be delighted with what you get her and to keep it, then buy her what she wants. Otherwise you run the risk of her not managing to fake enthusiasm on cue and passing the present on to someone who would appreciate it.

So would it be better to be dishonest and falsely claim you love something if you don't? Wouldn't you rather give your friend something she actually wants? I'm sure you'd all think I'm even worse, I'd sell or register an unwanted gift. Are we supposed to have a house full of stuff we don't like just because someone gave it to us?

I don't really like surprise presents either. They're seldom what I want or would choose. I always hang on to things for a couple of years before I give them to charity. Doesn't seem as bad as giving them right away. Though it probably is. She does sound ungrateful though.

It does sound precious, but the difference is telling people what you want, without being asked and then being asked, then getting something different. My friend got married 8 months before me, asked for money towards honeymoon, therefore she got money.
She asked me what we would like and then bought us a crappy ornament ( Wasn't on any list) and yes, I got rid !

Gift giving/receiving is a difficult one because while it's nice to receive gifts and surprises if you really don't like what you are given what are you meant to do? You don't want to offend anyone or appear ungrateful but equally you shouldn't have to wear clothes or perfume you hate or have an ornament on display 24/7 if you really don't like it, or eat chocolate/sweets you dont like. If you're not going to use something it's a waste of money to stick it in a junk cupboard but you're seen as ungrateful if you try to give it to somebody who will like it and make use of it. I think if people tell you what they want and you know that they are fussy then either get them what they asked for, buy them a voucher or dont get them anything, or at the very least dont be offended if they don't like what you got them. Other people who are not so fussy or won't tell you what they want you can choose something for them as odds are they're not so fussy.

Personally if someone makes an effort to buy a gift or card for me that’s a thought I appreciate. Over the years I have received all manner of gifts, not necessarily things I would have chosen myself but is it not the thought that goes into a gift that counts?
I’m assuming op means a fully grown adult, surely it’s a bit late in the day to have a princess wish list. It’s one thing if you ask someone if you would like something specific but expecting family and friends to stick to a set list is v demanding.

Why would you keep something you don't like? its better off in the charity shop where somebody might find it and enjoy it!
i really don't like getting presents, i tendcto ask for charity donations as there are very few things i like (and we still got 16 horrendous polyester blankets for our youngest - what a waist of money as they went straight to the rspca shelter)

So what would you do if your child was given an inappropriate/dangerous toy?

can do it quietly any time. The point is that there are people who want to show off their "moral superiority" by saying "oh, we don't play with toy guns/Barbie dolls, they are so distasteful, only eco-friendly and educational wooden blocks please".

I am guilty of taking unwanted gifts to charity shops and/or returning them to the shop they came from.

I'm tricky to buy for and hate clutter (hoarding aunt house chest deep in stuff, much of it gifts that she wouldn't get rid of because Aunty M bought it for her 10yrs before I was born)

I tend to go the opposite way and barely keep stuff in the house I won't use.

I do feel guilty about my friends who "waste" money and try to steer them towards consumables - I like scented candles/ nice shower gel, good wine and chocolates - or no gift. INcreasingky friend s and I are making a point to meet for an expensive experience (spa day/ Michelin starred restaurant/ weekend abroad) each paying for ourselves but giving us the gift of time together in a world dominated by work/kids/ extracurrricukar activities etc.

I’m assuming op means a fully grown adult, surely it’s a bit late in the day to have a princess wish list. It’s one thing if you ask someone if you would like something specific but expecting family and friends to stick to a set list is v demanding.
I'm assuming that OP asked friend what she wanted, decided that the request was too expensive and rather than asking for cheaper alternatives decided to buy something else regardless. Surely it makes more sense as an adult to ask for what you actually want / need since you're more likely to have most things and only a limited amount of space to keep stuff. Receiving something that you don't want and having to store it is a pain, plus it's a waste of giver's money. If you're happy getting a surprise then you can say that.

I read from the op that this friend makes it clear what she wants as gifts, that’s what I’m saying is demanding.
I would hate to be that self involved I couldn’t graciously accept a thoughtful gift someone had taken the time to buy for me.

'She asked for x and you got her something similar and cheaper y and expected her to be pleased?

If you could not afford x then you should have bought a voucher for the shop that sells x (to the amount you could afford, not the whole value of x) so that she could top up the difference and get x that she wanted. She didn't want y. '

You're the so-called friend, I see. This type of entitlement and childishness, 'WAAA! I didn't get what I demanded you get me!' is unbelievable in any adult.

Instead of doing this, OP, you could instead tell her, when she tells you to get her something, 'You know, I think the time has come to stop giving each other gifts.' Or better yet, just stop getting her presents!
Just don't even bring it up. If she does, then you tell her, 'I don't think we should exchange gifts anymore.' Send her a digital card.

Some people think the world owes them what they want on a silver platter.

Your friend is rude and entitled.

So it sounds as if you got her a less expensive version of her preferred item. Even that is a minefield, isn't it? But again it depends. If she asked for leather gloves and you got her hot pink knitted gloves that's quite different than if she asked for £60 leather gloves and you got her £45 leather gloves.

But I agree with PPs that it's time to talk to your friend and strongly suggest that it's time you and she started to forego gifts. None of my friends and I exchange gifts anymore. It got to be too much of a faff (and expense). Now we just have a meal together and buy the birthday person's meal plus a couple of drinks or dessert. Rarely, one of us will buy something for another, but it's usually some trinket or other small item to do with our hobbies. And it's done with no thoughts of reciprocity.

She's still stupid for saying out loud that she gives unwanted items to charity shops. And she's rude and unmannerly not to make a show of appreciation. Maybe suggest that in future you should just cut out the middleman and make a donation directly to the charity of her choice.

loveinanelevator - great username, I must change mine to something more fun!

I don't expect anyone to give gifts. I tried giving up Xmas gifts with people twice before I got them to do it without being incredibly upset. Some people really want to do that gift giving thing.

I doubt the OP's friend "expects" - it's just so strange in a world where most of us don't have a lot of money - perhaps different for those who do - that people want to spend money without finding out what someone might like. And I've seen how "something similar" works - I put an item on my wish list that wasn't a book or DVD, this year my best mate bought "something similar" - being against lists and vouchers and what not - I thought it was like a whole planet different.

Let's just say it was like if I put a smooth fabric dark blue top on the list and received a bobbly fabric bright pink one. Only the "Slim would like a new top" got through.

in terms of the thought - I think random gifts are lovely. Annual Xmas exchange tat, or going off piste with someone you know has a list - and in my case, no space, I've even sold martini glass sets and dessert plates on ebay - is just silly.

I now wonder if some of the house stuff I've been bought is re-gifted - I don't know where they thought I was going to store any of that in here.

I have a friend who always lets you know exactly what she wants for her birthday.

If you know someone has specific tastes, why do people persist in buying crap that no one in their right mind would give house room to?

What would you prefer

(a) its charity shopped
(b) its regifted
(c) its sold on ebay

Because (a) and (c)are what happens to old shit that comes through my door - along with (d) donated to raffles

I just saw something really beautiful that I thought she'd like. This line should read I saw something that I think is beautiful which just adds to the psychology of present buying - we largely buy people things we would like to receive.

I'm curious- what did she ask for?

I think she sounds like a brat.

You said the two items had a fifteen pound DIFFERENCE.

I can't believe she was expecting you to fork out more than fifteen quid in the first place!

I think you should have just told her straight up: I can't pay for that.

Otherwise - club together with another mate and both put in a tenner.

For birthdays, about five of us go in so we have about a fifty quid Kitty and get the person in question one single nice-ish thing from all of us rather than loads of stuff. None of us would ever be expected to stump up that amount individually though!!!

slimthistime Thanks, I’m an obsessed fan

I get what you and a lot of the pps have said, I think I have a pretty one sided view on this, which I’m content with. For me, unless I specifically ask because I was feeling clueless about what to buy, I would rely on what I think the person would like. Fortunately I’ve never had this situation where my gift was unwanted, although that may not be the case given some responses on here, I should say I’ve always felt my gifts were appreciated and I wouldn’t dream of not showing appreciation when someone has taken the time to think about me.
It was my birthday last week and a relatively new friend went to the trouble of making up and sending me a little gift basket.** It was such a lovely thought I didn’t care that the cocktail set was for pina colada which I can’t drink because of my allergy to pineapple. My guess is we’ve had a few fun cocktail nights and she knows i like rum.

'If you know someone has specific tastes, why do people persist in buying crap that no one in their right mind would give house room to? '

Exactly! Just buy them nothing.

Just ask her what she wants. And buy it. My family does this at Christmas, and enjoy a nice day out shopping together. Nobody ends up with any tat they don't want...

I ask people what they want and then either get them what they want or a voucher that they can put towards the cost. Thoseach who are too polite to ask outright get what I think are "appropriate" vouchers, Boots for thone with new babies, M&S for wedding evening dos and my absolute favourite, cash for weddings.

I hate the wastefulness of unwanted gifts. I don't like to spend my hard earned cash cluttering up someone else's life. I do buy nice personalised cards though.

'Just ask her what she wants. And buy it'

She couldn't afford what the entitled brat of a 'friend' wanted. She might not have even been asked, either, just told. At any rate, with people who think like this, it's best to give them nothing. They can buy their own shit they want.

Having been on the receiving end of some awful gifts from my brother and SIL, to the point of my making an amazon wish list with a variety of low end prices - nothing was bought as my brother didnt like any of my choices. he rang up another year from a supermarket, asking which wine to buy my DH, I said point blank, dont buy us wine as niether of us drink it, DH would much rather chocolates, that too was ignored and we have been given wine again. That was at the end of many years of gifts I didnt like or cant use. Its now agreed we dont buy siblings presents, much to my relief. And their teenagers all get given cash to their happiness, mine still gets given things he doesnt want, but like me, is grateful to them. Except his most recent birthday which they forgot, I have never forgot their elder children. Oh well.

So yes, she should have been grateful to you, but I dont see a problem in them being gifted to a Charity shop if she doesnt like them.