Is it unreasonable to tell parent if their child has been a bit of a git on a playdate?

[CosmicStrider]

DH and I both work full time so don't do the play date thing much. Today has been the first time in a long time we have had one of DS's friends from school (both Y1).

The boy hasn't been naughty as such, but has a mouth on him. Very cheeky, for example he has said:

"If i knew it was going to be this rubbish I wouldn't have come"
"He isn't my friend" x 100
"I hate these toys. I am just going to sit on the stairs until this boring time is over"
"You must be a rubbish family as you have rubbish stuff"

He also likes to shriek in an earbleeding way.

My DH has said he isn't coming again. Not to the boy, but to me and I should tell his mum when she collect him. I won't. I think it is pointless and in the interests of maintaining a school playground relationship with her, just not worth any potential upset.

What do others do? Is it unreasonable to tell a parent their child has been a bit shitty, and risk upsetting them, if there has been no real harm done?

I'm presuming the parent would ask how the day went when they collect or you drop off. I would then say, "Well i'm not sure johnny enjoyed himself as he wasn't keen on our house/toys etc" I once experienced this from a child at my DD's party. I told the parents very similar. They took it well, apologised and I got the feeling the girl was reprimanded as she was always polite after that.

Depends on the particular child and their parent, really. If the parent gives an opening by asking how it went etc then I might say that he didn't seem to enjoy himself much and see if they enquired further. If I liked the parent and trusted them to deal appropriately with it then I would have a word. But if I didn't know the parent or get a feeling that they would be sensible about it then I would just smile, wave goodbye, and tell DS he wasn't allowed to invite that friend round again.

ConciseandNice that's a terrible story. The poor boy (and your poor DS). :(

Never,ever say anything. Nothing good can come of saying anything.

I agree with Rach51 and turquoise. Not all parents believe their wee cherub was ill tempered and badly behaved. Not me, but I know a parent who revealed the guest had been boisterous. Cue a big row, and Ill feeling, and was talk of school gate as both parents vied to give different accounts.

So when asked how was it,I’d say something innocuous that hints at it eg they’ve been noisy/lively etc...

If it was my kid I would want to know. Not sure how I'd handle the conversation though as the host

He's five. To me that sounds less like "I've judged your social status and found it wanting" and more "I want to go home but I don't know how to say so". It's like when children say the new baby is rubbish, but what they really mean is, they want their mum to be theirs again.

I'd tell his mum, but not in a "Your son is an arsehole" type way, more a "this didn't seem to go very well, any ideas?" type way.

I would definitely try to discipline the child if it was in my house. I would do it carefully but I couldn't just stand there doing nothing. I would also return a child home if needed.

I would also try and say something to the parent but It would depend I suppose... if I did say something I would be as diplomatic as possible.

One of mine used to invite the worst kids ever home. One time this child demanded to know if I was ds's Nanna ' cos you have grey hair like my nan' and when I said, no I'm his mum, he started banging on the table and chanting 'Nanna Nanna Nanna Nannananna' he just wouldn't stop.
Another time a mum from school was obsessed that my son was having a birthday party to which her cherub wasn't invited (he was just having tea with another friend) and she turned up with him uninvited and left him there. The child then shit himself and had to be cleaned up and sent home with my sons clothes on, and she never returned the clothes.

Has this child behaved like that towards your son at school ? sound like a very spoilt child to me !!! probably not the first time

id definetly not invite him back again or at least till his behaviour improves

my daughter had a friend that was disrespectful and said hurtful things about her dog and family members but she still wants /chooses to be friends

Hmm, there's no real way to 'win' in these situations.

Damn with faint praise. If someone said to me 'he was fine' in response to my asking how DS behaved I'd know damn well that he'd been a pain in the backside.

Fortunately DS saves all his mardiness for me at home. It seems he's an absolute delight to have over and gets invited back quite a bit. Or maybe I'm just kidding myself......

I’d want to know if it were one of mine

What cheerful muddler said.

I wouldn’t read that much into what a 5/6 year old prattles on about.

That said, I definitely wouldn’t invite him back, as someone said up thread, that’s enough of a statement.

I bet she knows in any case!

Mumoseven. Holy crap she abandoned her son with you. Id have called social services.

I would say you don't thing the child would want to come for another play date. If mothers asks why just tell he didn't find anything interesting. If she has any concern she should speak to her son why everything was so bad.

I always told the truth and have been known to put the brat in the car and take it home! What example are you setting your own children condoning disrespect and then lying about it?

Personally, I wouldn't. I wouldn't say it's been lovely either. I would just say "he's been missing you, I think"

He must be learning that behavior from his parents surely, so definitely don't say anything and don't invite over again

I would be okay with hearing abt my dc but not many people will be gracious....or not complain far and wide about you and dc to other parents

too true, this.

If someone said to me 'he was fine' in response to my asking how DS behaved I'd know damn well that he'd been a pain in the backside

trouble is - I'd believe what was said. Our oldest can be very wild and I always ask and really want to know how he's behaved. But if someone says 'he was fine' how on earth are you meant to know that he wasn't?

When the mum got here I explained what happened & she went off on one! He can’t have been singing that song because he doesn’t know any rude words hmm & doesn’t know what a vagina even is (he bloody well does!!)
Ha ha that made me laugh. Why on earth would you make up something like that.

nrtwt (&thankfully out of ‘playdates’ now) but I used to tell DD that she had to ovey any rules at the houses she went to, told the parents that she had to do so & that they could correct her if she didn’t (naughty step obvs) & to let me know if she played up.

However- had the experience of little terrors a few times. Would either tell them off (if I knew the parents would be ok) or just ring & end it if not, and if possible. And then repeat ad nauseum. We had one who was only ever invited to ours - because she behaved at mine after the reinforcement. Parents still couldn’t understand why ....

He's five. To me that sounds less like "I've judged your social status and found it wanting" and more "I want to go home but I don't know how to say so". It's like when children say the new baby is rubbish, but what they really mean is, they want their mum to be theirs again.

Totally this ^^ It sounds like he was feeling a bit uneasy at first and then got used to being there and relaxed.

He does sound like a horrible child. Those were really nasty things. I would tell his parents exactly what he said and say that he won't be coming over again.

I really dislike rude and entitled talk from young kids, it sounds to me that he expected perhaps Ipad/Xbox/youtube time? could that be it? and if so that would explain why he then forgot about it and was fine!

My DS has a friend who is very spoilt but only materialistically and not with stable loving home life. He used to be awful and every toy or game we had he would have something better and more expensive and would be very vocal about it. He is now 11 and has actually turned into a nice boy, who I don't mind having over. Hope it lasts

I had a brilliant one. child on play date said house was boring because we didn't have an x-box. I sent them down the alley to look for the urban fox.

The following week I bumped into the mother who told me DS had asked to play in the alley. she had responded with we don't have an alley darling we have a garden. we had to play in the alley when we had no money! still makes me chuckle

I had one ask where the playroom was.... wasn't at all being rude just wondered where they should play. He was 4 and our house is tiny!