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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is it unreasonable to tell parent if their child has been a bit of a git on a playdate?

188 replies

CosmicStrider · 24/10/2017 15:53

DH and I both work full time so don't do the play date thing much. Today has been the first time in a long time we have had one of DS's friends from school (both Y1).

The boy hasn't been naughty as such, but has a mouth on him. Very cheeky, for example he has said:

"If i knew it was going to be this rubbish I wouldn't have come"
"He isn't my friend" x 100
"I hate these toys. I am just going to sit on the stairs until this boring time is over"
"You must be a rubbish family as you have rubbish stuff"

He also likes to shriek in an earbleeding way.

My DH has said he isn't coming again. Not to the boy, but to me and I should tell his mum when she collect him. I won't. I think it is pointless and in the interests of maintaining a school playground relationship with her, just not worth any potential upset.

What do others do? Is it unreasonable to tell a parent their child has been a bit shitty, and risk upsetting them, if there has been no real harm done?

OP posts:
BackforGood · 24/10/2017 16:55

Like others have said, I'd have picked them up on the rudeness when they were there. If a dc has been left in my care, then I wouldn't be accepting poor behaviour from them.

Although I'd want to know if any of my dc behaved like that, I kind of suspect there is a correlation between children who are that rude to other people's parents, and parents who really wouldn't want to know - or wouldn't believe you if you told them - so I suspect there's not a lot of point in telling his parents. that said, if they asked, I wouldn't lie.

FunderAnna · 24/10/2017 16:55

I think it is very useful if adults explain to a child when they believe s/he has done something wrong and in particular to say why it was wrong.

I was shut in my room all day in Xmas day for - apparently - having been 'very rude' to my great-aunt.

When I asked what I had said, my father told me. 'You know very well what you said.'

To this day I have no idea.

So expecting a high-spirited 5 year old who may be given few boundaries at home to intuit that they've annoyed their hosts and that this is something their hosts will continue to hold against them, seems to be asking a lot. It seems kinder to try and address the matter directly - with both the child, and if that seems insufficient to resolve things, with the child's parents.

BenLui · 24/10/2017 16:56

It’s not hard Peng but it’s not necessarily very effective. The five year old probably remember what they said last time, particularly if cheekiness is permissible in their own home.

You need to pick them up on it immediately so they have an opportunity to learn.

PinkHeart5914 · 24/10/2017 16:57

I think the examples of what was said are bloody rude and yes I think I would of mentioned it, because if my child was behaving like that in somebody’s home after they’d been invited to play I would want to know. It’s not good manners and most children in Y1 should be able to understand basic manners.

PuppyMonkey · 24/10/2017 17:00

I think the gritted teeth thing is what I'd probably do. I might if feeling brace also say something along the lines of: "I think he's enjoyed himself, not quite sure as he kept telling me he was bored. Anyway, must go. Byeeeee."

And then the lad might at least get interrogated by parents: "what did she mean by that? You been cheeky?" Grin

Pengggwn · 24/10/2017 17:00

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

youarenotkiddingme · 24/10/2017 17:01

So has he gone yet and what did you say?

Ginslinger · 24/10/2017 17:06

DS2 once behaved like a total arse when he went to tea with a friend and I was told about it when I collected him - it allowed me to do some training and make sure that he knew how to behave in future and that I would be checking that he did. He'd been rude about the food and other things - he claimed to have been joking - we had long discussions about when jokes are appropriate. I was so glad to have been told and I'd have hated to have been the one with the kid who never get asked back and not known why. Sometimes it takes a village

Ginslinger · 24/10/2017 17:06

DS2 once behaved like a total arse when he went to tea with a friend and I was told about it when I collected him - it allowed me to do some training and make sure that he knew how to behave in future and that I would be checking that he did. He'd been rude about the food and other things - he claimed to have been joking - we had long discussions about when jokes are appropriate. I was so glad to have been told and I'd have hated to have been the one with the kid who never get asked back and not known why. Sometimes it takes a village

NotAgainYoda · 24/10/2017 17:06

Ah, the 'little shit' comments. Lovely

I would tell him he was being rude. I would be kind. I would understand that 6 year olds are not perfect human beings and are learning

I would allude to the fact he didn't seem to enjoy himself

If no-one ever says anything to the other parent, how are they to know? It is unfair to assume that the child's behaviour is because they haven't been brought up as perfectly as our own Wink

wheresthel1ght · 24/10/2017 17:06

I am afraid I would (and have) told parents and also asked for kids to be collected early as their behaviour has been appalling. And dd is only 4!

I wouldnt be rude or accusatory thought and as advised above would go more with "x has ha d to have a few spells on the naughty step due to rudeness and poor behaviour. Hope that is ok"

BenLui · 24/10/2017 17:06

I agree with Funder. Not all families have the same rules.

Children can usually deal with that quite well but you have to teach them the differences not just dismiss them when they don’t conform.

Eg I work full time so quite often we have big weekend play dates with 10 kids to “pay back” invitations.

10 kids in the house is usually lots of noisy rowdiness Grin but:

There’s no cheekiness
There’s no standing on the furniture
There’s no slamming doors
No balls in doors
There’s no screaming in the garden
Everyone takes turns
Everyone sits nicely at the table to eat.

Most of the kids don’t follow all these rules at home. They’ve all learned, quite happily, to follow them in our house.

NotAgainYoda · 24/10/2017 17:08

Ginslinger

Exactly

I laugh a little to myself at those parents who say 'my child would never do that'

Maybe. Or maybe you don't know. Maybe you wouldn't believe it if someone told you - ask any teacher.

Or maybe this one doesn't but your next might

And maybe it's not the end of the world, because the child is 6 and has time to learn

KERALA1 · 24/10/2017 17:08

"Sadly your child is a little shit" is a difficult message to impart to a parent so I don't usually bother.

We had appalling behaviour recently at a party from 2 out of 15 invitees. The mother of one actually asked me afterwards unprompted for feedback so I did the "x didn't seem to enjoy herself" thing which is actually polite code for was an utter horror.

The majority of kids are lovely I have found to be fair.

Ttbb · 24/10/2017 17:13

Just cut all out of school contact.

BenLui · 24/10/2017 17:15

Peng you are right of course, his learning is not your responsibility. Sad I just think it’s a bit of a shame when some kid never gets repeat invites because no one is prepared to be honest with their parents about what’s acceptable.

As Ginslinger illustrated, parents don’t always know how their kids behave elsewhere. Children aren’t always good at coping with things like different food or different methods of doing things.

It’s nice to give a second chance (for most things- stealing did result in play date ban for one child).

Pengggwn · 24/10/2017 17:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

drspouse · 24/10/2017 17:16

I wouldn't be specific but I would say he made some remarks that mean I won't be asking him back.

This. I would want to know if my DC had been badly behaved (or possibly if just anxious/shy/didn't enjoy themselves for some other unspecified reason).

My DS has a regular babysitter and he can be good but, er, bouncy or he can be awful. I need to know which it was so I can talk to him and also prepare him in the future (sometimes e.g. shouting/not listening is a result of being anxious and confused. He doesn't tend to be rude beyond the usual 5yo "poo poo" type talk but I'd want to know about that too!)

Same with a playdate - I'd want to know.

I'd be saying something like "you didn't really seem to be enjoying yourself much, what a shame" at pickup.

I might also be tempted to ask (if I knew the parent was able to do so) during the playdate "would you like me to ring your mum/dad to come and get you? Because you don't seem to like it here".

Original poster
CosmicStrider · 24/10/2017 17:17

Well, the behaviour improved and the arguments stopped when I ignored them.

I wimped out of telling her the specifics, when his mum picked him up, but did say we struggle at the start a bit.

They are only 5. If they were older maybe I would be a bit firmer (I hope)!

OP posts:
drspouse · 24/10/2017 17:18

Glad to hear it - what was the mum's response?

Pengggwn · 24/10/2017 17:20

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Lethaldrizzle · 24/10/2017 17:20

It's tricky but usually parents of kids as bad as that know they've got a problem. I might have said he was a bit cheeky or some thing mild to maintain relations. But for me the most cheeky one was your dh for trying to tell you how to handle the situation. Tell him to do the dirty deed himself rather than handing out orders!

WunWun · 24/10/2017 17:21

I would have called his parent to come and get him. That's not just a bit cheeky, it's fucking rude.

drspouse · 24/10/2017 17:23

Five is on the old side for repeated rude comments to a host.

My DS is 5 and has never had a playdate without me (partly logistics) but I was actually thinking this was young for such cheeky behaviour to a friend's parent! It seems more of a teenage/seen it all type comment.

My DS would as I say call everything "poo poo" but sadly I have learned that all his friends do that.

Original poster
CosmicStrider · 24/10/2017 17:25

His Mums response was very neutral to the comments about the initial struggles. She was thankful that he was invited and said next time was her turn to host.

My DH didn't say anything either, despite his initial insistence I should Hmm

OP posts: