Is it unreasonable to tell parent if their child has been a bit of a git on a playdate?

[CosmicStrider]

DH and I both work full time so don't do the play date thing much. Today has been the first time in a long time we have had one of DS's friends from school (both Y1).

The boy hasn't been naughty as such, but has a mouth on him. Very cheeky, for example he has said:

"If i knew it was going to be this rubbish I wouldn't have come"
"He isn't my friend" x 100
"I hate these toys. I am just going to sit on the stairs until this boring time is over"
"You must be a rubbish family as you have rubbish stuff"

He also likes to shriek in an earbleeding way.

My DH has said he isn't coming again. Not to the boy, but to me and I should tell his mum when she collect him. I won't. I think it is pointless and in the interests of maintaining a school playground relationship with her, just not worth any potential upset.

What do others do? Is it unreasonable to tell a parent their child has been a bit shitty, and risk upsetting them, if there has been no real harm done?

I think the majority of parents try and instil good behaviour to their children. However children - especially younger ones may get very excited by visiting another house and being able to play without their own Mum and Dad being there. Either expectations rocket so high that the reality of some ordinary toys/gadgets/snacks come as a disappointment. Or children may become so hyped up by something like being able to run round in a large garden, or play with some new gizmo, that it's hard to calm down.

Also you only have to read Mumsnet to realise that different households have very different ideas about what manners are. Some places do formal meals, others a running buffet and/or snacks in front of the TV. Some parents want children to make an effort to eat up what's on their plates, other parents are incredibly picky eaters and feel their chldren should be offered endless choices and never have to try something unfamiliar.

Most of us can find it quite hard to be a guest in a new house for any length of time. Why should it be any different for children?

Peng I completely agree but that doesn’t mean he couldn’t be taught how to behave at your house.

My DS has a friend who is banned from everyone else’s house. He behaves very nicely at mine (he needs a really firm hand which his parents aren’t prepared to do).

You shouldn’t have to be bothered with badly behaved kids, of course not and that completely your choice and fair enough. I just don’t think a cheeky 5 yo is a hopeless case.

I would definitely want to know if my child had been that rude.

Peng I do know what you mean but I've seen a lot more deliberate rudeness from older/more knowing children (Brownie/Guide leader).

As you say younger children tend to just be, er, "frank".
Older ones say things designed to hurt (like "you must be rubbish").

DS had a friend like that. She then stood at the top of the stairs and threw his action figures down the stairs one by way then did loads of random screaming. I have her two warnings then took her home.

Her Mom asked what was up and I said she had been throwing things down the stairs, screaming and shouting and jumping on the bed.

Apparently she's like this at everyone's house and no one invites her back.

He also has another friend who is hard work. She's just turned 10 and DH and I for example will be sat in the living room chatting and she will come in, sit down and ask what we are talking about, I send her back to play and she always says "playing is for children and I'm kind of not a child anymore". Then DS will offer her a load of different things to do and she says it's too babyish so I always end up taking her back home.

The last time I did, her Mom called me and said she was upset as she didn't know why she was taken home. I told her exactly what she had done and her Mom was mortified.

I'd say the behaviour hasn't been the best, I'd want to know if DS had played up.

I think Onecup had it right with her 'i don't think he enjoyed it as he said it was boring and we had rubbish toys' I would want to know if my child was sating things like that. I wouldn't necessarily judge as the child may be tired/fallen out with other child or hate playdates (happened to a friend. She found out the child was ordered on playdates to make up for a lack of childcare). It would give me a option of discussing their behaviour and why it happened. Not inviting back and saying nothing doesn't let the parent know what has happened. They may think you are busy, can't be bothered and their child is a dream guest.

Presumably if her invitation is forthcoing it will be declined?

I would have been tempted to have him fetched tbh.

What's the point if the kids are miserable/not playing?

Sorry crossed post, I see the deed has been done

It is a hard one. It's much tougher in real life to say everything you planned to in your head.

They were playing nicely by the end, but his initial rudeness was surprising to say the least. He was quite cutting for a 5 year old.

I'd have (and have) walked him home and say unfortunately he wasn't enjoying himself.
Take your dc out for a post play date treat.

Isn't it just the not realising you aren't supposed to say things like that out loud? Ie poor/developing social skills?

Or did you think it was calculated rudeness/unkindness?

I had a similar situation with a slightly older child. I wish I had said something, as it turned out that everyone had had the same experience with this boy but no-one had told his parents why and they were very confused and upset about it.

In my defence, I knew his mum quite well and was ready to tell her some of the things that had happened but his dad - who I had never met before - turned up to pick him up instead

Peng

"Never been taught how to behave" - how nice to be so sure

Childfree here - but why would not tell a parent their child is a little shit? Surely that would allow them to address the behaviour rather than being oblivious...

No I wouldn’t say anything to the parent but I’d never invite that child again
I’ve had similar. kid Broke items, hurt the pets by being rough,demanded pizza.
And kid complained about everything was boorish all day.
I never said anything to the parents, not a word.afterward my dc said they’d never invite the kid again

Peng

Let's hope one of yours never does anything that makes you utterly mortified by them then.

5 year olds are learning social skills. They slip up

Some 5 year olds are behind in their understanding of what is socially appropriate

.... and of course, some of them haven't been taught manners.

Yes, me too. You have to hope the other parent tells you though, which comes back to this thread.

Say something - if I was his mum I’d want to know what a rude little brat he’d been so I could tackle him.

Why not tell?some parents would get defensive,thunk you’re exaggerating/lying
It’s not worth the potential aggro, And don’t want repercussions for own dc
Plus some parents are petty and it’d be a school gate dramarama