Is it unreasonable to tell parent if their child has been a bit of a git on a playdate?

[CosmicStrider]

DH and I both work full time so don't do the play date thing much. Today has been the first time in a long time we have had one of DS's friends from school (both Y1).

The boy hasn't been naughty as such, but has a mouth on him. Very cheeky, for example he has said:

"If i knew it was going to be this rubbish I wouldn't have come"
"He isn't my friend" x 100
"I hate these toys. I am just going to sit on the stairs until this boring time is over"
"You must be a rubbish family as you have rubbish stuff"

He also likes to shriek in an earbleeding way.

My DH has said he isn't coming again. Not to the boy, but to me and I should tell his mum when she collect him. I won't. I think it is pointless and in the interests of maintaining a school playground relationship with her, just not worth any potential upset.

What do others do? Is it unreasonable to tell a parent their child has been a bit shitty, and risk upsetting them, if there has been no real harm done?

I think it's ok to say you don't think he was that happy because of his comments. He was rude & at his age it's ok to tell him/his mum.

Yes... you give feedback on how the play date went ... of course do it gentle ... but with examples of how you came to that conclusion.

Urgh I feel your pain op. I had ds's friend over last school year so year 2 and my God never again! What an awful child. "I'm gonna tell my mum you just punched me!" "Gimme some sweeets/pop/chocolate, I don't want food for dinner" "this is crap/that is crap!" "I'm not your friend!" "I'm gonna tell your mum you did this/that/the other so you get in trouble" and many others, he also hurt my youngest and made fun of her additional needs! Absolute little monster! Never ever again!!!

I dropped him off and said there were plenty of arguments, tears from ds and her son had barely eaten as my food was crap! I put it a bit better than that but she's ignored me on the school run ever since.

After the first few "rubbish"s and the "he's not my friend he would be off home.
If he hates it that much and isnt my kids friend then he doesn't need to be there.
And i would be honest with parent why they had to come get him no point in pretending so he can do it over and over and end up never being invited anywhere.

I think those of you saying you'd want to know if your child had been brattish don't have DC who are brattish! In reality the parents of a child with this kind of attitude would be unlikely to bring their DC up on it and would probably go on the defensive. Even if you're right to tell them, sometimes being right doesn't work in your favour. I do agree that you could call his parents to collect though, nothing wrong with saying he's not enjoying himself and you don't have to put up with it.

I would just not invite again. It's likely the child is always like that, it wasn't anything personal. He may mask feelings of anxiety by these sort of comments - in which case he's just not ready to go visiting. I suspect it could get complicated if you tell his parents. Just don't have him back.

I casually mentioned that a child was unruly ONE time. NEVER again. Just smile and have excuse ready if the subject of another playdate happens again.

I would be okay with hearing abt my dc but not many people will be gracious....or not complain far and wide about you and dc to other parents.

Mama you are right my D.C. aren’t brattish but I always ask how their behaviour has been after a play date to give the parents the opportunity to mention any issues.

You are right though, it’s usually the badly behaved kids whose parents don’t ask.

However I have told parents when there’s been problems and have never had anyone get defensive or fall out with me.

It’s probably a case of how you put it rather than what you say but I’ve found the most common reaction is embarrassment followed by an instruction to the child to apologise.

Everybody then knows where they stand and it doesn’t leave me seething with embarrassment or the child wondering why they weren’t asked back.

A friend of my son is quite opinionated in a not very nice way, made comments about his hair and various other things and recently upset him at school. He lives nearby unlike all of my sons other friends but I don’t want him over so waiting for my son to mention it. He is 7 so he will ask for his best friend to come over soon I shojld think. This puts me off.
I don’t really do play dates I should really, but with 4 kids of my own it can be chaotic especially after school.

Would I tell Someone..if it was one of my close friends children yes and I would expect them to tell me. But otherwise I’d not invite them back and be done with it

My nine year old DD used to go to her friends house a couple of times a week after school, sometimes less, but since the school holidays hasn't been invited there. It makes me wonder if she's been a little cow and her pal's got fed up of her. I don't want to ask her mum in case she thinks I'm angling for an invite (which I'm not) but on the occasions when her friend's been here for tea, my DD has got a bit mardy, enough for me to have a word with her. She can be a bit of a madam at home and it makes me wonder.
I'd want to be told if she was being a problem, in a nice way of course.

My DAD is year 1 and I'd expect good manners from a child who is 6-7. They sound a little entitled. If I didn't know the parents well I would just say what they had managed to eat ...smile... Say see you soon...then avoid like the plague. I'd make excuses not to go to Thier house and also encourage DC to play with a nicer kid.... You know.... Leo is lovely ..shall we ask him over next time!!! If Leo is a shit too..give DC an iPad, hide in a darkened room and snaffle ice cream and prosecco

I would just say 'i don't think he enjoyed himself very much - he kept saying how rubbish everything was' and just see what parent's do with the info. They need to know so they can speak to hm about it. (haven't read the thread though - soz!)

I'd want to know

Don't invite them back and turn down any repeat invitation. I suspect the Mum knows that their child is a bit like that anyway.

As the parent of the visitor, I'd want to know so I could give DS a lesson in manners.
That said, many moons ago DS was visiting another child and they had a falling out. DS didn't want to watch a fairly violent 12A video. They were in primary (aged 6 or 7). DS used a very rude word to him. I was immediately called to pick DS up. We lived 30-40 minutes away. I went straight away very cross DS had been so rude, but I was a. It shocked to find DS had been left to sit isolated in his shame and misery in the front room whilst the Mum commiserated with her son (who apparently used said word on another child at school rather a lot).

Needless to say that friendship hit the dust. I was very strict with DS over use of language consequences etc but couldn't help feeling the isolation of him for so long at that age was a bit cruel.

I think we're the situation reversed I would have distracted the boys with something else, and mentioned the language in passing over a cuppa at collection time. They've had a good time, but thought you might want to know....

I’ve had this & can’t bite my tongue I’m afraid. I feel compelled to say something at pick up time directed at the child like “I’m sorry you didn’t enjoy yourself/like our toys or whatever with a cheery wave & shut the door pronto.

If a child has been verbally rude or crazy loud like shrieking I would have made a joke of it at pick up, like blimey he’s got s set of lungs on him or wow he’s got a sharp tongue for one so young.

Once a boy came round who thought it was a good idea to swing off the bunk bed on the light fitting ripping it from the ceiling which was a culmination of crazy behaviour. This was one of my first play date experiences,I phoned the mum to pick him up, didn’t tell her but said I had a headache. She found out though because ds told him at school the next day “mum says you’re never coming round again”! She brought me round a bottle of wine & made him write a note of apology I never did invite him again though!

@TheQueenOfWands

Hahahah that! And write a private note so you don’t forget!!

I'd want to know if my child hadn't behaved at someone elses house. Otherwise they think thats ok and they can get away with poor behaviour and saying whatever they want to people.

We had a little boy over once and he broke all my son's Barbies (there were lots), took them all apart, ripped clothing etc. I told the parent when they were picking him up. They immediately verbally and physically laid into the child on my doorstep. It was awful. Trying to drag this screaming woman off her shaking and sobbing child. I could've wept later. He was eventually removed from his parents' care. Bad behaviour is a symptom of wider things even if it's something fairly innocuous such as boredom,

I agree Dancing. Children need to know that we parents talk to each other (and have them surrounded).

I've said to brattish children 'now that sounded a bit rude and you wouldn't want your friends to think you were rude would you?'. It usually works, most brattish children have never been called on it so are shocked into silence.

All children in my house are expected to behave the same as my own children. The basic rules are assumed (no violence, deliberate destruction etc) and ‘House rules’ (eg: my bedroom is out of bounds) are explained at the start. A child that does something I find unacceptable is told to stop it, be it my child or the visitor. I would’ve had words about the rudeness from the first instance, I wouldn’t let my own children speak to me that way and I’m sure as shit not going to tolerate it from someone else’s. If the visitor continues to do things they’ve been asked not to, Mum would be texted/called and asked to collect them.

Never had this issue. Every child I’ve invited has been an angel.
But I’d have to say something. Mostly a polite version of what you’ve said in your op.
I wouldn’t say nothing.

I wouldn't tell the parents. I would tell the child off myself, perhaps a little more mildly than I might tell my own child off. Eventually I would escalate to, "It sounds like you don't enjoy coming here. Perhaps I shouldn't invite you again?"

Another time a boy came round & was playing on the trampoline with ds (8) & my younger dc’s. I heard him singing ‘the fanny song’ which was quite funny but very rude (plus we are terrace & it was at the top of his lungs ) so I called him off & explained how that language was unacceptable etc. He proceeded to have a massive tantrum, kicking me, pushing me, swearing blue murder, trying to get into the chest freezer (????) I couldn’t send him home I knew his mum was at work in London . So I called now exh home from work. He calmed down immediately & exh took him to the park.
When the mum got here I explained what happened & she went off on one! He can’t have been singing that song because he doesn’t know any rude words & doesn’t know what a vagina even is (he bloody well does!!)
Anyway things have been frosty since then...