Is it unreasonable to tell parent if their child has been a bit of a git on a playdate?

[CosmicStrider]

DH and I both work full time so don't do the play date thing much. Today has been the first time in a long time we have had one of DS's friends from school (both Y1).

The boy hasn't been naughty as such, but has a mouth on him. Very cheeky, for example he has said:

"If i knew it was going to be this rubbish I wouldn't have come"
"He isn't my friend" x 100
"I hate these toys. I am just going to sit on the stairs until this boring time is over"
"You must be a rubbish family as you have rubbish stuff"

He also likes to shriek in an earbleeding way.

My DH has said he isn't coming again. Not to the boy, but to me and I should tell his mum when she collect him. I won't. I think it is pointless and in the interests of maintaining a school playground relationship with her, just not worth any potential upset.

What do others do? Is it unreasonable to tell a parent their child has been a bit shitty, and risk upsetting them, if there has been no real harm done?

Yeah I'd have packed him off home early - surely yoir dc wasn't enjoying it

Ah just read they are 5. Honestly thought u were talking about 8/9 yr old. Iv found young play dates need structure and supervision (some just r a bloody pain)

I would rather know (as a parent) and if things haven't gone great then I do say something as the child may not want to return either!

DD had a friend round and it didn't go well, DD hasn't invited her back since! It does happen and everyone can have a bad day.

I would always try and tell parents, but in a really factual way, in the same way I've been trained to give feedback at work. No euphemisms, no emotion (your child has been naughty, or disruptive, or didn't seem happy can all be easily misinterpreted, or could make a parent quite defensive). I would just say "X said y", or whatever. Harder for the child to deny, and easier for the parent to actually pick up with the child too, so the five year old really understands what they've done.
I have an emotionally immature five year old, who is generally very well behaved and has decent manners, but I can imagine a situation at a strange house where she could end up getting in a state and behaving "badly". I'd hate to think she'd then just be ostracized from a friendship, rather than me having an opportunity to discuss appropriate behaviour with her.

I’m sure you’re all lovely reflective parents who’d seek to modify any inappropriate behaviour
sadly not all parents will do this,and any hint their child wasn’t a cello playing math genius on play date will be denied
And there’s the school gate politics esp if it’s a queen bee parent association mum involved

I’d want to know if I were her. I’d tell her you don’t think he enjoyed himself. If she presses you, then say he didn’t like the toys.

If it were my ds I’d want to know! Tell the parent, “I don’t think he’s really enjoyed himself. He kept saying it was rubbish and boring here.” The parent should know how rude he has been.

I would want to know if my child had been rude or misbehaved, so that you can get an apology for starters.

We have had a few disasterous play dates. I think some kids just go completely berserk when they go to someone else's house, it's exciting and they don't know the boundaries. They want to have a good look around and meet the whole family, open all the cupboards etc.

I always says everything has been fine and don't invite them back if it gets too much. I don't really like having guests anyhow haha

The good thing about saying "I don't think they enjoyed it - he kept saying ...." is that the parents response to that tells you what you need to know.

If response is "I'm so sorry. I can assure you we do t accept that sort of behaviour." Followed by assurances they'll work on it and an apology is sought from child. You know things should be ok.

If the response is "we'll yes she's use to a much bigger house with more relaxed rules and often plays up when strict boundaries are in place" or "oh dear, do you not have X or did you not do y with them" then you know the child is unlikely to change because parents will excuse bad behaviour.

Both ^ those but but but reason responses have been said to me before. Those kids came once.

Definitely tell the parents "I'm afraid he didn't enjoy it and kept on telling us so."

I'd have shipped the lad home if I could or at least texted the parents to ask for him to be taken home reciting "he's not enjoying it and keeps telling us so in no uncertain terms".

And not have him back .....

The only things I internally are consistent unkindness and treating me like a servant. Sadly some " I just want to be a friend" type parents allow their kids to treat them like dirt and talk back, without realising this is how they will then treat other adults too. And those other adults will not be impressed...

I have told parents but not often enough. If they are bad they don't get invited back for a while .

They usually figure it out themselves by then or secretly blame you for being too strict or not entertaining them enough.

I found some kids who were awful at 5 grew up to be polite teenagers but it can be hard not to take it personally

I wouldnt say anything, just dont invite him back. I imagine your child wouldnt want to go over to his?

It's good for people to receive feedback about unacceptable behaviour. Some will try to improve, some will shrug it off, some will become petty. But you will have done a good thing, and if more people stood up for manners, perhaps we'd have a more considerate society on the whole.

I very much like this upthread:
"I would always try and tell parents, but in a really factual way, in the same way I've been trained to give feedback at work. No euphemisms, no emotion (your child has been naughty, or disruptive, or didn't seem happy can all be easily misinterpreted, or could make a parent quite defensive). I would just say "X said y", or whatever. Harder for the child to deny, and easier for the parent to actually pick up with the child too, so the five year old really understands what they've done."

I would be mortified if my child acted like that and would definitely want to know so i could put a stop to it.

Although I'd probably smile and wave, if it had been my kid I'd want to know they behaved that badly. Maybe say that you don't think future playdates are a good plan and explain why. He wasn't just rough or didn't play nicely, this is a whole new level!

Not inviting back without explanation is a bit passive aggressive imo. Children test things out and need to learn what is and isn't acceptable. I would have a tactful word with the parent about the 'behaviour' (without implying the boy is irredeemable devil spawn) and leave the disciplining to them. Maybe one more chance after that if it happens at all? I say this, still sore after a mother, who I thought was a good friend, took my child (who was at her child's party) into a room on her own and bawled in her face until she was sobbing and shaken. My child had been unwittingly tactless. Friendship over.

When mum comes to collect him I would say, "sorry but I don't think he enjoyed himself, he said X,Y & Z". She would then be able to teach him some manners on how to behave in social situations. Also you won't have to invite him again and she'll know why....

Years ago, had one who punched younger sib full on in the eye. The mother fell out with me at my resistance to have him here again. I do not miss all of that clag!

Just SO SIMPLE. Never, ever, invite that little shit back to your home again, but also make VERY sure that you young one understands why.
Good luck. xxx

You absolutely can't say anything, just put him on the black list.

We have one in our house too, and anyone without manners or who is downright rude goes on there until they can prove otherwise.
Encourage your dc to play with other children and be glad it is not your child is all I am saying!

I would only tell her if she is a close fiend and it doesn't sound like she is. She might be grateful - but she also might not believe you and might complain about you in the playground. You held this play date for your son's benefit - it's in his interest for you not to risk falling out with his friends mum. I'm guessing as badly behaved as this boy sounds - his mother is likely already knows what he is capable of.

Hmmm... If you knew that he was going to be that rude would you have invited him over? I think that's what I would have said to a kid as rude as that, then suggested that it was time for him to go.

Sorry not I think - definitely would have said I mean.