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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to have surgery even though my DP says no

243 replies

BoggyPigeon · 24/10/2017 14:08

NC for this but have been a MNer for absolute years, just a bit embarrassed to be asking.

I have been in a relationship with DP for about 9 months. All going well.

Before we started dating, I was considering having some minor cosmetic surgery. I'm not getting any younger, and have a job where my face is quite important, in a shallow and ridiculous way, but it is. I have deep lines around my eyes and mouth, and have always fancied a slightly plumper bottom lip to boot. I earn well, have researched the risks and reputable clinics to within an inch of insanity, and had decided early last year that I would treat myself.

I met my DP shortly before, and was so caught up in the honeymoon of gorgeous first dates and shagging like rabbits and feeling sexy and alive, that the botox-and-fillers fantasy took a back seat.

Last week we were with friends for dinner and after a couple of glasses of wine she turned and said (not unkindly) that she could fix me up with her 'face lady' if I wanted. My DP quickly but firmly said 'NO WAY'. I laughed it off, embarrassed.

I jokily raised it again with my DP later on and he again objected. I pointed out that it's my face to do what I like with. I changed the subject. We are both firm characters but we seldom argue and our relationship is equal.

Would I be being unreasonable to just have a little bit of botox anyway? It's my face, my career, my money, and if we had got together 2 weeks later I'd have had it done by then anyway. I don't want to be deceitful but he doesn't seem to want to discuss it. We have many mutual friends who have all had it done and they look amazing, haven't gone too far with it, and have no horror stories or regrets. I feel like a shit even asking, but why should anyone else dictate what I can do with my face? Our relationship is wonderful, and I don't want to rock it.

OP posts:
Gemini69 · 24/10/2017 21:11

I disagree... even though it looks great... which in invariably does.... you can still tell you've had it done... and there's nothing wrong with that... but it's not an invisible procedure... Flowers

reflexfaith · 24/10/2017 21:15

Thats a ⛳ from me and no mistake🤔

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 24/10/2017 21:33

If he doesn't approve of Botox and fillers then he shouldn't have any.

You go ahead and do as you please.

Icanhearmynebioursshouting · 24/10/2017 22:02

I've had my lips done and fillers in my chin, so knew I had self esteem issues about it and supported me. It made me feel 100 times better and I'm going back for more. People can dish out comments about how awful it looks but if you don't be silly about it it can look really natural. Good luck!

HeebieJeebies456 · 24/10/2017 22:17

Men don't last forever.........how you feel about yourself does.

I don't like how prejudiced the media and showbiz is when it comes to women's looks and age......but that's the way the cookie crumbles in those circles.
If it makes you feel better about yourself and helps you re your chosen career path - then do it.
The only think to be aware of is doing it in moderation so you don't end up looking plastic/frozen.

I know people who use botox for medical/health reasons....it does wonders for managing migraines and muscle tics/spasms.
They don't look plastic/frozen and you can't actually tell they've had it done anyway.

Ohyesiam · 24/10/2017 22:26

Look up five minute face lift on you tube. Two friends have asked me if I've had botox.

ButchyRestingFace · 24/10/2017 22:28

He feels you don't need it. Take that as a compliment that he loves you for who you are and screw what anyone else thinks.

Why should she care about what he thinks of Botox?

She's not asking him to pay for it. Or have it done himself.

Original poster
BoggyPigeon · 25/10/2017 08:31

Thanks all. I expected to be accused of vanity and low self esteem issues when I posted so those comments, although presumptuous, weren't a surprise.

To those of who who have had Secret Botox - can I ask - how long did the bruising/redness take to fade and is it easy to cover with makeup?

OP posts:
Coconutspongexo · 25/10/2017 09:13

Boggy - if you get your lips done you literally cannot hide it due to swelling and bruising you're not supposed to wear make up for at least 24 hours after Botox/fillers bruising is very unlikely though with just Botox

thebluething · 25/10/2017 09:24

Hi OP. I've been having forehead Botox for 3 years (roughly twice a year). Nobody can tell when you walk out the clinic. Results take about 12 days. They will give you an absolute minimal dose to begin with and if you don't notice any difference you can go back for a top up. In any case, it's worn off after 3-6 months. I don't know about fillers though.
I very much doubt your DH will notice anything.

hellsbellsmelons · 25/10/2017 09:31

I had Botox once and I had no bruising at all.
I did have one of the top surgeons in the world do it though and he was amazing.
If it's done right then you won't have bruising unless they hit blood vessel (which is something that does happen)
If you are worried about it then get some arnica cream and use that on the injection sites and it will help.

FruitCider · 25/10/2017 10:27

* To those of who who have had Secret Botox - can I ask - how long did the bruising/redness take to fade and is it easy to cover with makeup?*

Mine is never secret, however I only get 1 faint yellow dot next to my left eye. Even clients that get little bumps where it has been injected have no signs after 1 hour.

reflexfaith · 25/10/2017 10:47

It would be one thing if he expressed concerns but this flat forbidding you to do it ....that's just not at all

MadMags · 25/10/2017 10:57

After 9 months it's none of his fucking business.

If he is against it, he can leave his own face alone.

Your face, your business.

MaidOfStars · 25/10/2017 10:59

After 9 months it's none of his fucking business
When does a male acquire more right to an opinion (or even a veto) on his partner's appearance? Grin

MadMags · 25/10/2017 11:16

Maid good point Grin

I suppose I would think that if they were long term or married, it would be slightly more understandable that he should voice his opinion, but he still wouldn't be entitled to it!

Bruceishavingfish · 25/10/2017 12:39

My redness is going within about 15 mins. I once had a tiny bruise and it covered with make up really easy

FlaviaAlbia · 25/10/2017 14:42

I'm reading his reaction as more that he thought your friend was horrifically rude to you if she offered this out of the blue and he lept to your defence with his "no way"! And perhaps he feels that you're lovely as you are and that this comment has made you insecure and prompted you to want botox rather than you having considered it seriously for a long time.

Either way, you need to actually have the conversation with him to find out.

Headofthehive55 · 25/10/2017 15:04

I think your friend was rude too.
I don't get your obsession with your looks.
IT wouldn't occur to me to want that sort if cosmetic stuff.

DagenhamRoundhouse · 25/10/2017 17:41

Please don't have yourself injected with unnecessary poison. It's madness!

NameChangeFamousFolk · 25/10/2017 17:48

You say D'P', and I know this means different things to people, but you've only been with him for nine months? Of course he doesn't get a say.

It's not my thing at all, and I wouldn't be friends with someone who suggested I go to a 'face lady' but it really is your choice and no one else's.

NameChangeFamousFolk · 25/10/2017 17:49

I'm reading his reaction as more that he thought your friend was horrifically rude to you if she offered this out of the blue and he lept to your defence with his "no way"!

To be honest, that's exactly how I read it too.

pollymere · 25/10/2017 17:50

My dh hates the way botox looks. He'd be quite upset if I had it done, although he's very supportive of me. I suspect your DP is wondering if you're the person he thought you were. I'm shocked and sad that there are people under 40 posting they've had it done. Fillers are temporary in the main. If you have really bad wrinkles around your eyes you're probably better off saving up to get something done properly about them.

Bruceishavingfish · 25/10/2017 17:54

My dh hates the way botox looks

Your dh hates the way it looks when its over done or done badly. He wont even know in lots of cases.

Borodin · 25/10/2017 17:59

This talk about botox not being surgery is nonsense. It's artificial manipulation of the body, but that doesn't make it a bad idea: grafts for a burn victim can be rehabilitating.

It also doesn't make it a bad idea if your partner doesn't like it, want you to have it, or think that it's necessary, but unless he's being inconsiderate or bigoted you really should think twice about going against his wishes.

But doing it for your job? I'm sorry if I missed the part where we discovered your work, but all I can think of is a receptionist or a video or television presenter. I assume you're not a prostitute. But if it's important in a shallow and ridiculous way then I think having surgery is shallow and ridiculous.