to have surgery even though my DP says no

[BoggyPigeon]

NC for this but have been a MNer for absolute years, just a bit embarrassed to be asking.

I have been in a relationship with DP for about 9 months. All going well.

Before we started dating, I was considering having some minor cosmetic surgery. I'm not getting any younger, and have a job where my face is quite important, in a shallow and ridiculous way, but it is. I have deep lines around my eyes and mouth, and have always fancied a slightly plumper bottom lip to boot. I earn well, have researched the risks and reputable clinics to within an inch of insanity, and had decided early last year that I would treat myself.

I met my DP shortly before, and was so caught up in the honeymoon of gorgeous first dates and shagging like rabbits and feeling sexy and alive, that the botox-and-fillers fantasy took a back seat.

Last week we were with friends for dinner and after a couple of glasses of wine she turned and said (not unkindly) that she could fix me up with her 'face lady' if I wanted. My DP quickly but firmly said 'NO WAY'. I laughed it off, embarrassed.

I jokily raised it again with my DP later on and he again objected. I pointed out that it's my face to do what I like with. I changed the subject. We are both firm characters but we seldom argue and our relationship is equal.

Would I be being unreasonable to just have a little bit of botox anyway? It's my face, my career, my money, and if we had got together 2 weeks later I'd have had it done by then anyway. I don't want to be deceitful but he doesn't seem to want to discuss it. We have many mutual friends who have all had it done and they look amazing, haven't gone too far with it, and have no horror stories or regrets. I feel like a shit even asking, but why should anyone else dictate what I can do with my face? Our relationship is wonderful, and I don't want to rock it.

Botox and fillers aren't surgery and they aren't permanent.

It is completely your choice. YANBU but be prepared for a bad reaction if you go ahead.

Borodin I've had Botox, not for professional reasons but because I wanted to. I don't think I'm either shallow OR ridiculous. I look like me, but less knackered. Where do you get off judging other women for their choices?

It's your face, do what you want.

It may end the relationship, but better 9 months in to find out that he thinks he should control your decisions than to get more invested. Chances are, either he won't notice or he'll decide it wasn't that big of a deal. If he actually likes you, why would he end the relationship over this unless he is just a controlling twit?

(I'm getting a tummy tuck in the spring. I'm researching, saving, planning now. I'm very excited)

He is not a good bf if is telling you what you can and can't do. Saying 'no way' is very different to expressing an opinion.

When I looked into getting Botox and a thread lift my DH said he didn't think I needed it and was concerned I might end up looking fake. That's expressing an opinion. I took his comments on board and then did what the doctor and I thought would make me look fresher but still natural.

Thanks everyone for your responses. I raised it lightheartedly today in conversation and got a less emphatic response from DP - it hadn't occurred to me that the NO WAY was in response to my 'friend' 'helpfully suggesting' I get some work done and thus defensive of me rather than an opinion on cosmetic fillers in general. Anyway, I'm not rushing out to do them tomorrow - we need a proper chat first - but this thread has been informative and advisory, so thankyou all for chatting me through it.

Your face, your choice - but every surgical procedure, no matter how routine, carries a degree of risk.

He loves you as is - be happy with that.

Would he actually notice?

I have a massive crease in my forehead which I have botoxed but it’s really for me I don’t think anyone else notices.

YANBU to have a cosmetic procedure without his say so. He is not in a position to consent on your behalf.
You don't have to discuss it with him, he doesn't get to veto decisions you make about your health and appearance.

If you're asking for a MN opinion on whether fillers or botox are a good idea, then that's a separate subject.
You are allowed to choose for yourself

I'd never trust a woman who had botox. I think they're all fakes. Normal-looking for sure - but deep down 100% fake.

I have just been up to the city today. I can understand why looking youthful is important, and perhaps there were some less obvious cases, but the botox upper lip was obvious on some women and one poor woman looked like her face was frozen ( probably more than botox!) So, your face, your choice of course, but your dp loves the face he is lookng at right now!

Why do you need to have a proper chat? I think it's a mistake to give him the impression that he has any say so about what you do with your own BODY.

Bodily autonomy is really, really basic. If he doesn't think you should have the final say about your own body, that he should get to call the shots, then you are better off without him.

(I do have to have my DH on board for the tummy tuck, because we have joint finances that will pay for it, and I will require care afterwards that he will have to provide, but for a freaking Botox shot that you are paying for, no, no, no. No body else gets to vote).

I personally think plastic surgery is ridiculous but frankly, it’s no business of his to object.

This thread is entering hyperbole.

I've had chemicals 'injected' into my teeth to make them whiter. Am I 100% fake?

OP, raising it 'lightheartedly' in conversation and we need a proper chat first does sound a bit odd, to be honest.

You don't need him to agree. You don't need to discuss it with him. He's only been in your life since the beginning of this year. He can have an opinion on it, obviously, but it's irrelevant. You need to decide whether YOU want to do it and then tell him your decision.

If you want to. Or just do it and then tell him.

It's not surgery is it? If it were surgery I'd worry about my partner having (unnecessary) general anaesthetic.

1.) Tell a white lie, tell him you're going for a few fancy facials and have the botox, then when you look all fresh, say, must be new face care regime.
OR/
2.) Have it and tell him and let him judge away. You'll soon see the real him.

FWIW, my ex BIL was one of those men who strongly objected to any cosmetic work on a woman, liked them natural. Very flattering for my sister until he fucked off with a Bruce Caitlin Jenner lookalike.
Make your own choices.

Your face, your money - not even a matter for discussion. If you want to do it, then do it.

I'd never trust a woman who had botox. I think they're all fakes. Normal-looking for sure - but deep down 100% fake - wow! Just .... wow.

No lips. Maybe botox but staying hydrated and not much alcohol is also great. I am nearly 60 with a bit of forehead and a scowl wrinkle due to my dc ...and dh, not any other wrinkles tho.

Do you think that he has experienced this with a previous person? Kanye's mother died in surgery.

How serious are you two? I let my dh influence me in this area, probably too much but I am both depressed abt aging and scared.

I think that botox can be great but lips look ducky. Compromise? It is your body but he is kissing your lips.

It’s your face but maybe he’s just concerned about you having that poison injected into your body. Personally I would rather have surgery than have that gunk injected into me. Generally it’s obvious who has had it done though so I doubt you would get away with not telling him as some have suggested

I am very anti cosmetic surgery and feel sad that image is everything in this world. I don't wear make up.
BUT. This is your body. He has to respect this is your choice and not his decision.
If he finds that uncomfortable he needs to reflect on why that is.

Botulinum toxin - that's what people are having injected into their faces!
It's a deadly poison and although it has to be refined in some way to make it "safe" there's no way I would have that done.

To quote something I read somewhere, "I would rather have Character Crinkles than be Botox Bland".

* I'd never trust a woman who had botox. I think they're all fakes. Normal-looking for sure - but deep down 100% fake.*

Hahahaha!!!

It's so interesting to me how much attitudes have changed towards both plastic surgery and Botox type interventions even in the last 10 years. I think if this thread had been posted in 2007 the overall trend in the responses would have been rather different.

Personally I think you should do what you want, but when I read your OP my main reaction was that it was very rude of your new friend to offer to fix you up with her 'face lady', presumably out of nowhere. I assumed your other half was defending you against this not-so-subtle put down.