AIBU to think DD1 does have a hard life? People keep telling me she hasn't!

[AshleighandKelseyandMatthew]

DD is 21 and a newly qualified nurse, she went to a top uni for nursing a good 2 hours away from home, so it was rather stressful. Her student accommodation was extremely expensive (her grandfather helped pay but she does owe me some money for it).

She now lives in that town in a rather demanding job, full-time, trying to pay her rent (expensive) and pay for food, etc. I help her out and do help with her washing, etc. when I can, but that’s because she is extremely busy with her job.

I think it’s been hard for her.

DD2 thinks I’m having a giraffe, but she would say that! She brings up severe cases of ‘hard lives’ and says I should save my sympathy. I obviously am going to think of my children first though, aren’t I?

Friend thinks she’s had it very lucky with all the help. However, there are lots of people who have it better too...

So, AIBU to think this?

I think nursing can be a hard job physically and emotionally, especially at first, and starting any career (as opposed to job) can be exhausting. But living a few hours away from home is completely normal! Many of my friends moved internationally for work or study opportunities by that age, including me (literally atound the world, 22hrs by plane from my family at 20 years old). Taking on financial responsibilities and running a flat independently or with friends is also completely normal by 21. It may seem hard as it isn't like living at home with parents still helping with housework and subsidising costs, and working as a nurse isn't as easy as many other non-professional jobs but it's not a "hard life" - it's normal adult life!

I understand where youre coming from. Shes been to uni, got herself a good job and is struggling. Thats the reality of nursing sadly. I worked for 7 years in one job with hardly a pay rise, then went to work for the NHS and ended up on less money than some of the unqualified staff.
Is her moving back in with you and getting a job there an option, so she could save some money? Or is she happy where she is? If she is happy i wouldnt worry 😊

No. She does not have a hard life. She is an educated, independent young woman who has the freedom to live and work anywhere she likes. Do you have any idea how privileged she is to be able to do this? Don't you think that many, many women throughout history, and living in the world today, who are just as bright and capable as she is but have no education, no freedom of choice, no other path than the tough, narrow road of poverty and drudgery and persecution and suppression and all the other horrors you could, perhaps, read about, wouldn't give their eye teeth for her opportunities? WAKE UP. So she works long shifts and lives further away than you'd like and has to pay rent and bills and buy food and cook it and wash her own clothes. Boo fucking hoo. I bet she is loving it.

She is young, fit and fully capable. Be happy she is using her energy to do such a wonderful job.
Your sympathy will turn her into a snowflake and a victim.
Help her with the washing if you must, cook her dinner when she is tired but do tell her how proud you are of her, and you do not feel 'sorry' for her, you will erode the pride and contentment she may be feeling taking on the new challenges of adulthood.

Her life is on the easier side of normal. She has an education, a full time job, family support, her health and no dependants. I'm not sure the majority of 21 year olds in this country can say that.

Its lovely that you support her but definitely don't bang on about what a hard life she has

I think parents doing washing for their grown up children pretty pathetic.

It's not pathetic to want to help your child

She's basically got everything she wanted, so I don't see how it's hard.

She chose to go to the university 2 hours away - she was lucky to be able to finance that so that that was possible for her.
She chose to study nursing, I assume she knew the hours involved when she chose that subject. I assume she enjoyed it as she chose to pursue a career.
She chose and was lucky enough to get a job doing what she wanted to do.
She chose to live near her job, she had options where she could to live away from home and wasn't forced to stay through finances.

She's had control over her life's direction throughout, no circumstantial necessities limiting her life options. The people I know who I would say have had a hard life have not had choices or control over what's happened.

So I don't think she has a hard life. But OP, are you having trouble with accepting she's moving into her own life and away from you?

Being a nurse is tough my aunt did it for many many years it was emotionally draining

It's not pathetic to want to help your child

They're the parent's child but not an actual child. They're a grown up. There's hoardes of people with stressful jobs who manage to do their own laundry.

The hours she works, living away at such a young age, the demanding of the job

It's normal life. Really it is. I didn't go to uni, nor did anybody in my family, but I lived 300 miles away from my family at 19. I was offered a good job in my company if I was prepared to move. I had to make friends, a life, and do my own washing at the same time.

This is't really about whether or not she has it hard

it's about whether your dd2 is being neglected in preference of a fully grown, independent adult

and whether the level of help you are giving is impacting your life negatively and setting up an unhealthy mother daughter dynamic in the future

Please stop babying her! Her life is NOT hard, it's just life. Let her live it!

I also assumed the OP many her DD was travelling two hours a day to get to uni from home. Every day. But maybe she just meant she was living in halls two hours away. Not clear.

Well she talks about her student accommodation being expensive so she wasn't living at home.

I went to uni 8 hours from home. I also did a professional degree (vet) and worked full time straight from graduating including a 1 in 3 night rota after a full day's work which often required me up and pulling calves in the middle of the night. All for the glorious sum of £14k a year when I started working. And no one ever washed my shit stained clothes for me!

I do not consider my life to have been hard in any way whatsoever. I consider my life to have been one of privilege. I have my health, my family, a home. I never have to worry about paying my bills etc.

Your daughter has worked (and is still working) hard to gain a professional qualification. You are right to be proud of that. But you are wrong to think her life is hard.

Oh dear, I’m another one adding to the chorus of YABU!

I don’t think your DD has an easy life, but it’s certainly not a hard one! The hours she works are fewer than many people, living 2h away from home at a young age is normal. Yes nursing is one of the more demanding jobs, depending on where she is working, but there are many more difficult ones.

If you distil her life down - she’s working full time, earning enough to pay her rent, bills and food. She has some debt after studying which is normal (and probably less than many people) and she will get a mix of shifts which mean that she does get some days off in the week. That’s not a hard life, that’s a normal adult life. Leave home, study, get a job, pay your way. It’s what the vast majority of us have to do.

living away at such a young age
Yabu she's 21 not a teenager and she's only 2hrs away, let her stand on her own two feet and work out how to do chores such as the washing around her job, she'll have to work it out at some point it's what the rest of us do.

you are her mum, if you want to help her and can then do. does DD2 not realise you would I’m assuming do the same for her

I think YABU, when I was 21 (3 years ago) I was doing a law degree, living 2 hours away from home and also had a newborn DD

So she’s lived a normal life with a slightly longer commute one time?

I’m 22 , all my friends are skint, many scramble for rent. It’s not fun and it shouldn’t be normal but it is.

She’s worked hard and deserves praise, but no , she hasn’t had a hard life.

Oh wait she was 2 hours away not commuting 2 hours? That’s totally normal and not hard.
All of my friends have moved out at 21/2 many hundreds of miles from home. You’re being hyperbolic if you think she’s had it hard.

Anyone who can work, has somewhere to live and can afford to eat does not have a hard life.

Not hard in the slightest. Most people get jobs and pay rent and (shock horror) do their own washing.
I feel for DD2, I take it she hasn't had quite as much help?

There's somewhere between "she has such a hard life" and "clearly what she does isn't hard at all". She's in a mentally and physically taxing job compared to many jobs. Nursing is hard but she's also got a good career ahead of her potentially. She's ONLY 2 hours from her family. She had financial help through Uni and is still getting practical help from you which is lovely. Some of her fellow newly qualified nurses will have kids they also have to look after or bugger debts and some will be at home with parents and no debts. Its all relative

However I wonder how often you tell DD2. how hard DD1 has it under the guise of stopping DD2 moaning about her own life and whether DD2 is fed up of not beING allowed to strjuggle or being taken seriously and never quite being as amazing as her older sisiter