AIBU to think DD1 does have a hard life? People keep telling me she hasn't!

[AshleighandKelseyandMatthew]

DD is 21 and a newly qualified nurse, she went to a top uni for nursing a good 2 hours away from home, so it was rather stressful. Her student accommodation was extremely expensive (her grandfather helped pay but she does owe me some money for it).

She now lives in that town in a rather demanding job, full-time, trying to pay her rent (expensive) and pay for food, etc. I help her out and do help with her washing, etc. when I can, but that’s because she is extremely busy with her job.

I think it’s been hard for her.

DD2 thinks I’m having a giraffe, but she would say that! She brings up severe cases of ‘hard lives’ and says I should save my sympathy. I obviously am going to think of my children first though, aren’t I?

Friend thinks she’s had it very lucky with all the help. However, there are lots of people who have it better too...

So, AIBU to think this?

I think she has a normal life for a nurse to be honest. During my nurse training I was 4 hours away from home, studied and held down a part time job. Pretty much all of us did the same, many were further away from home with little or no parental support.

I wonder if you feel over protective because of your own experience?

Christ, if this seems very demanding I'd love to know what sort of life of luxury the rest of the family have lived!

21 isn't young to live away 😂

You sound like a nice mum. You are doing those things not because she has it hard but because you want to make her life easier for her. There is a difference. I want to be like you. My mum was like you.

Lots of young people live away from home. My kids both moved out at 18 to uni and drama school. Son doing finals this year and up to his eyes in work as he should be. Daughter trying to make a living as an actor in London so working all sorts of hours and jobs in between acting roles. I was working 120 hours a week at 23 and still looking after myself. (Junior dr in mid 1980s)
So don't think she has it that hard but you obviously care very much about her and haven't exactly had it easy yourself.

21 is perfectly standard for people to be setting up on their own like this and not young at all. A lot of people are doing this at 18. And she not only has a job but potentially a good career.

And first job out of uni is often long hours for lowish pay.

There is very little hard about what she is going through. Are you sacrificing time/things with dd2 to run around after dd1 and pay her bills?

Are you Spanish? I'm surrounded by families in such situations as yours.

I went to uni two hours away, got a job three hours away. Had a great time as a newly qualified nurse. Yes it’s hard but you know what you’re getting in to. And lots of nurses are in the same situation. You make friends because of it.

The hours she works, living away at such a young age, the demanding of the job

DS2 does that and works in a pub.

DS1 moved away at 19 and joined the army. His hours are mad, he's sleeping outside for 4 weeks from next Monday.

The vast majority of us can all tell stories about how hard our family members work.

Read PovertyPain's post. That's a hard life.

I'm a third year student nurse with a mortgage, dp and two little boys.

I can't wait to qualify so I can go to work and not have to worry about assignments and exams on top! Plus I will have more quality time with my family.

Plus the bursary I receive is next to nothing! I can't wait to start earning money!

I respect you for wanting to help your DD where you can. You don’t sound like you are being mugged off and I think it is lovely you care so much

Does she think she has a hard life?

I had dd when I was 18 got married at 19 and we bought a house when I was 20 ( because my Father left me an inheritance) so your dd should manage at 21

Errrr OP - this sounds normal to me and in fact, i might even think you are spoiling her - she's a grown up who has a full time job, and yet you do her washing as and when you can because 'her job is stressful?' No idea what you're teaching her and she will be in a for a nasty shock when she realises the rest off the world doesn't really get help from mum.

I am on the side of your DD2 here, you sound like your babying your adult daughter too much - you're not teaching her anything. Trust me, i should know, my mum was just like you and when i moved away and it all stopped i was absolutely lost. Although mum meant well - it was one of the worst things she could do for me - it didn't prepare me for the real world and i had to mature so much later than all my friends, which wasn't great.

No, she doesn't have a hard life. She has a normal, average life.

If anything, then, at the moment, your DD2 could be said to have had a harder life as she has (presumably) failed her A Levels and is having to stay and school and fit into a new social group while watching her friends move on to university, training and jobs. That is arguably much harder than experiencing your first full time job, first independent home and becoming a 'real' adult.

A hard life?

Haven't we all at times.
Your daughters isn't at all!

please read PovertyPain post and get a grip. In fact, your DD needs a grip too.

PovertyPain - you and your son have done so well. You must be so proud of him. Well done to him indeed.

For goodness sake. I think you should strip that cotton wool away that you are so clearly wrapping her in.

She went to uni, studied for a profession, got a job, and now has to pay the bills. Sounds like the most normal life you could possibly imagine.

I have not read a single word in your post which infers any sort of hard life whatsoever.

YABU

Yabu. They're telling you she hasn't because it's true.

No, it sounds perfectly normal.

Plenty of 21 year olds work very hard and have spent a lot of time studying.

I would not class that as a hard life.

I know being a nurse is a stressful job but it would be better to focus on encouraging her and saying how proud you are of how well she is coping. Fussing over her and saying you think she has a hard life makes it sound like you are worried about her. That might have a negative effect on her confidence and her own self esteem.

In case my post wasn't clear btw, when i say my mum was a few months away from drinking herself to death I mean she died a few months into my being 22, not that she came close to death and survived.

It's not a competition of who has the hardest life, I just think you need to be exposed to what an actual hard life might be comprised of. To get a bit of reality.

Nurses work hard, there's no denying that, and do long shifts.

But, don't they normally have at least three days off each week?

In addition to that, she hasn't got a university loan to pay off, so a smaller loan for accommodation and food, fees for nursing degrees didn't start till this year, I think. No doubt someone will know better than me.

When I was her age I worked two jobs, lived in a flat, did all my own washing, ironing, cooking and cleaning. I don't think she can have it that hard.

The hours she works, living away at such a young age, the demanding of the job. She is the first person in my family to go to uni and it does seem very demanding.

At risk of sending the thread down a 'competitive hardship' black hole, in my teens I was working full time night-shifts doing manual labour in a hot smelly factory on whilst studying for my degree. I had no support whatsoever from family (abusive parents) and was also trying to fund having my younger brother come to live with me.

And I don't think I had it that bad, compared to many.

I do think YABU, OP. Life can be tough but I don't think your DD has it all that hard from from you've said.