AIBU to think DD1 does have a hard life? People keep telling me she hasn't!

[AshleighandKelseyandMatthew]

DD is 21 and a newly qualified nurse, she went to a top uni for nursing a good 2 hours away from home, so it was rather stressful. Her student accommodation was extremely expensive (her grandfather helped pay but she does owe me some money for it).

She now lives in that town in a rather demanding job, full-time, trying to pay her rent (expensive) and pay for food, etc. I help her out and do help with her washing, etc. when I can, but that’s because she is extremely busy with her job.

I think it’s been hard for her.

DD2 thinks I’m having a giraffe, but she would say that! She brings up severe cases of ‘hard lives’ and says I should save my sympathy. I obviously am going to think of my children first though, aren’t I?

Friend thinks she’s had it very lucky with all the help. However, there are lots of people who have it better too...

So, AIBU to think this?

Sounds perfectly normal to me - not hard!

21, presumably healthy, no kids, reasonable entry level salary? I suspect you will find little sympathy for her here.

Yes, nursing is a demanding job, but that was her choice. I was a single parent student (degree required stressful full time work placements as well as a heavy academic load) 2 kids, one of whom is disabled, and I still managed to wash my own knickers. I don't even consider that my life is on the tougher end of the scale either.

She’s got a normal life. Yes working all hours and struggling to pay the bills and rent is tough but it’s what most adults do.
It’s nice that you help her but many people manage what she does and more with no help.

I also hope your not passing on your “isn’t your life hard” message to her as I don’t think that will do her any good in the long run!

I don't consider it a hardship to work full time, pay rent/mortgage and living expenses - thousands do the same

Erm, ok so she has

• some debt from being a student - normal
• went away from home from uni - normal
• works after graduation - normal
• has to do “adulting” ie pays bills, washes clothes - normal

But presumably got a bursary due to when she studied? Better than most students

So yeah not silver spoon well off but hardly time for a dying swan I’d say

You know lots of full time nurses have kids, right? And yet somehow they manage to pay bills and do household chores too...

Doesn’t sound too hard but I think you’re being a nice mum helping her when you can!

Me too pandora.
OP YABU. She sounds like a normal adult with normal responsibilities.

She doesn’t have a hard life ! She has an adult life.

I can remember qualifying and starting out at bottom band 5 salary, working my ass off as a newly qualified nurse trying to find my feet in a new, understaffed ward, having to do all the overtime available to pay my rent, bills, student debts etc. I remember getting home from a 13 hour shift and falling asleep on my bed with my coat still on. It did get easier though! I wouldn’t say it was a hard life, but it was certainly a hard start to my career.

A good two hours away from home, so it was rather stressful Honestly I'm pissing myself laughing at this. I studied in the US, as did dh. I wonder how on earth we coped. Ds is looking at unis just now and I consider a uni two hours away to be almost living at home.

Standard grown up life, demanding job yes but not a hard life.

I have so much respect for nurses and don’t know how they cope with everything they have to put up with, so I definitely think she deserves some kudos for that!

But there’s nothing at all in your post which says ‘hard life’ to me. It all sounds completely and utterly normal really. Lots of 21 year olds do still live at home with their parents, but plenty have also moved out and started paying rent by then.

I went to uni a good 8 hours away from home and started working full time and paying rent etc at 22. It never occurred to me to think of this as anything other than boringly normal!

It’s lovely that you want to help your daughter as much as you can, though.

Nursing may be a choice but we are all as a society bloody lucky that some people do choose to do it!

It sounds pretty normal to me. When I qualified as a doctor we worked 72 hour weeks, it's down to 48 now, and I did my own washing and paid bills and generally had my life separate from my mum who lived 4 hours away, which was occasionally inconvenient but far from stressful!!
I didn't have a hard life - I had a job straight off, like your DD, a vocation that was fulfilling, like your DD. Most of us grew up pretty fast, what with seeing dead bodies at 19 and talking about illness and death with patients but that's no bad thing. She's probably more robust than you think!

OP

By hard do you mean sad and lonely?

Does she have dependant children or elderly or infirm relatives for whom she is the carer? If no to the above then she is an adult who only has herself to manage. she has a full time job and pays rent, many her age are trying to pay rent on zero hour contracts.

I wish her well, she has studied and achieved a great qualification, she can carry on, study more and have an amazing career, but she will find that paying your way is what happens in the adult world.

No, that's not a hard life, that's a life.
Does she have additional needs? A disability?
Essentially, she is an adult working a demanding job, and living independently. I don't see why you think that's difficult?

At that age I was married, working full time, living with DH who was studying full time and working part time, we didn't have enough money for all the bills and rent. So had a very cold winter where we slept in the lounge, so we only had to heat one room, and the lounge and kitchen were open plan, so the oven heat helped too. My parents would occasionally send me some money so we could get a decent meal in us. But, ultimately we were adults, making our way in the world. We then cut our cloth to our means, moved somewhere smaller, got the cheapest energy suppliers, etc etc.

It’s nice of you to help her out occasionally and I don’t think anyone would call nursing easy but I think you might be feeling a bit more sorry for her than necessary.

Bear in mind she probably has colleagues who work the same shifts, have rent/mortgage and bills to pay and are raising children so juggling drop off, pick up, shopping and cooking for a family and so on. Ok they might earn more being further along in their career but still. There are plenty of people with far more on their plate so I’d be careful about reinforcing any idea she might have that she’s particularly hard done by lest she becomes one of those “woe is me, no one knows my suffering” types.

DD2 is right, she's an adult and working and looking after a house is what they do. Most don't have mum still doing their washing for them given it taken all of ten seconds to switch a machine on.

I wonder what your life has been like OP if you think your daughter’s is so particularly difficult?

Your (presumably) healthy adult daughter has a qualification, a full time job, somewhere safe to live, enough money for essentials and a loving and supportive family.

Take a quick walk through relationships board, the legal board, the SEN board etc etc.

I’m glad your DD appreciates her privilege.

Doesn't sound particularly hard to me

Why is going to a uni two hours away stressful?? I think most people do this!