AIBU to think DD1 does have a hard life? People keep telling me she hasn't!

[AshleighandKelseyandMatthew]

DD is 21 and a newly qualified nurse, she went to a top uni for nursing a good 2 hours away from home, so it was rather stressful. Her student accommodation was extremely expensive (her grandfather helped pay but she does owe me some money for it).

She now lives in that town in a rather demanding job, full-time, trying to pay her rent (expensive) and pay for food, etc. I help her out and do help with her washing, etc. when I can, but that’s because she is extremely busy with her job.

I think it’s been hard for her.

DD2 thinks I’m having a giraffe, but she would say that! She brings up severe cases of ‘hard lives’ and says I should save my sympathy. I obviously am going to think of my children first though, aren’t I?

Friend thinks she’s had it very lucky with all the help. However, there are lots of people who have it better too...

So, AIBU to think this?

Why do you think it's so hard? Sounds totally normal! I'm a single mum, work and study, pay for everything myself and I'd say that was totally normal, very easy compared to my previous life involving abuse and addiction. And even that was easier than what many people have it!

Would you rather she gave up and came home?

I went to uni 14 hours BY PLANE away when I was 19 however did I cope with the stress of that hmm.

Get a grip, OP.

I was a 21 year old nurse who moved away age 18. I was living about 3-4 hours away. As a newly qualified nurse the job was tough but life was amazing. Days off were spent in the pub, at gigs or generally having fun. Having a job, paying rent and stuff doesn’t make life hard for a 21 year old.

No, she does not have a hard life. She is an adult who has a full time job and has to pay living expenses and budget accordingly. Stop treating her like some hard done by child - it is probably incredibly annoying for your DD2 and others.

Personally, I'd be delighted that I'd raised a child into adulthood who is independent and hardworking.

I'm going to make my kids leave home at 16 encourage independence as much as I can - it's a life skill of the highest value.

Please don’t be one of those mums OP.

I have a mum who thinks that I couldn’t possibly work full time as I have to look after the house, kids, food....keep everyone together. If I go abroad for work, see friends at the weekend or do lots of exercise, I’m ‘trashing myself’. I need to be looked after, preferably my my dh and if not, she’ll try to step in. She feels sorry for everyone ‘worthy’ in the family, but not for people she doesn’t like. She worked full time for about 3 years b4 kids and never since. She lives vicariously through us (children and grandchildren) and constantly goes on about the same subjects (us and our lives) all the time. Nothing new, does nothing to have a fuller life and always looks inwards to us. I can cope with it less as I get older and have drawn away over the last few years. She’s driving my poor DF utterly potty.

She is the first person in my family to go to uni and it does seem very demanding.

Well what you've described is just what everyone who has moved away to university did.

Most people move to a different place for university.
Many people stay in that new place for their first job.

Your daughter has it no harder than the quarter of a million people who go to university every year. And a heck of a lot better than some!

Heh this isn't a race to the bottom. You sound like a good Mam helping out her daughter and there's nothing wrong with that.

I'd think there was something wrong if you said to her "frig off and get on with it".

She does sound independent and she's doing well. Nothing wrong with still needing your Mam

YABU

Stop feeling sorry for her. It isn't healthy for her. You can both be proud of her accomplishments while not pitying her. The pity is really a put down. You think it was "too" hard, when the truth was, it was a normal amount of hard.

Forgot to say; my DM used to say that I couldn’t do some things because I was ‘weak’, ie had a weak constitution. I had a nasty spell of illness when aged 7............

I think you’ve used the wrong term, saying someone has had a hard life normally means someone has had to deal with stuff that most people never do - death, abuse, extreme poverty, disability etc
You’re not wrong that life/uni can be hard work, it can be at times, exhausting, demanding, endless, lonely etc etc but all of that is ‘normal’ everyone goes through periods of times like that, especially when starting out. By your reasoning pretty much everyone has had a hard life!!

While it's true that nursing school is VERY HARD and nursing is very hard indeed, now that she's out of school and working, I imagine she's having exactly the same difficulty as the rest of us.

My sister is a nurse, and I remember when she was in school, she was absolutely in tatters at all times. There simply is not enough room in the human brain for all of the information they take in, so she and all her school mates would forget little things like simple maths, how to make coffee... It was amazing and at times a bit amusing to watch the hell that nursing students live through! It really is one of the most physically and mentally taxing programmes one can attempt, IMO.

Now she is a nurse and has been for years. She works in a VERY hard job - children's ward at a massive, busy, major regional hospital. She works with children and families in the hardest times in their life, and is all at once nurse, social worker, counsellor, friend, carer, priest, bouncer, and so many other things. AND she works the graveyard shift, 12+hours every night, and attempts to manage a household, maintain a marriage, have a social life, and raise two little boys under 5.

Yet, apart from the specific stresses of the job itself, her life isn't actually that much more difficult than mine or anybody else's, quite honestly! Working nights is a pain in the arse as she has to schedule things around sleep rather than around work, and of course she deals with pain and heartache and death and disgusting bodily fluids on a daily basis. But no, she is happy, manages to pay all of her bills early, and is frankly doing quite well.

Sounds completely normal. She certainly doesn't have it hard. She got an education and now has a job. I assume she chose to be a nurse and always knew it would be a demanding job. I would say she is very lucky.

Well done to your dd on her achievements, however her life and outgoings are routine expenditures. You doing dd laundry is very indulgent, and a bit infantilising to be honest. Her demands are no more stressful than anyone else with a professional career.

Got to agree with PP, sounds like a very normal life and no different from the average 21 year old.
In many ways she was lucky to be partly-suported through uni, clever to get a good, stable job.
Be proud of her that she is hardworking and successful.
Don't call in the sympathy votes.

Are your surrounded by far wealthier families or something?

My DC went to uni unsupported, broke even on salaries, have great student debt and I don't know when/if they'll afford to buy a house or save significantly anytime in the next 15 years. BUT I believe they have been fortunate. They are surrounded from friends from their private schools whose parents paid all of uni, supported them in the years post-uni by topping up salaries and now are buying flats for them in London. DC never complain or compare. They know their friends are extremities and fortunate. They are proud that they've 'done it alone' and feel grateful for the huge gift of a private education and smaller ways we've helped them over the years.

It is about perspective.

what is hard?? Sooo confused!!!! sounds like a nice life, especially as you help her out! Wait til she has kids on top of what she's already doing! Then it might get a bit harder! But still normal!

You sound like a lovely, caring mum. You have obviously done a great job with your daughter, because she is doing all the right things. Firsts are always hard, so your first child moving away and having their own life... it’s natural to worry. It’ll be easier with your second, I imagine.

As everybody else has said, she does not have a hard life. I guess it must be very different to yours, which is why you think it sounds hard, but it really isn’t.

Your daughter sounds great. I’m sure you are very proud. Such a capable young woman doesn’t need her mum to do her washing, but I’m sure she is very grateful that you do.

All normal, but I wouldn’t want to be young again. The opportunities to save and get on your feet are far fewer for young adults than a generation ago and we’d do well to be mindful of that. Especially as the dd has gone into the public sector.
I’m envisaging mine needing to live at home again after uni. If they choose not to, or circumstances dictate that they are better off elsewhere then I’ll probably carry on worrying about them and looking for ways to help out, too.

Nothing you have described is out of the ordinary.

Its normal life.

Hard life?

Really?

YABVVVVU

It sounds like you had a difficult childhood, OP
You might be overprotective of your dd because of it. I was living independently younger than your dd and it was hard sometimes but in the long term it was a really positive thing, I found/find life generally easier to cope with than most people. I might be wrong and might be basing this on my experiences, but I think you'd be doing her a favour if you let your dd handle all practicalities of her life, all her washing etc, all her financial commitments, only consider practical help if she actually asks for it, so that she is managing and in charge of her life and deciding when and if she needs help, but continue to offer emotional support (as opposed to practical support). And ask her what she thinks.

What bit do you think is hard? The job, the funding for her uni or her mum still doing her laundry? In my opinion your daughter sounds lucky, some might even say privileged. But if it makes you feel better to believe she has it hard who am I to argue.

I'm a nurse, work full time, have a child of 2 and am single with a mortgage and bills to pay.

No one does my washing

It's not a hard life at all YABVU

YABU I did exactly this,no one helped me but still it wasn't a hard life , we had some great fun.