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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think DD1 does have a hard life? People keep telling me she hasn't!

245 replies

AshleighandKelseyandMatthew · 23/10/2017 18:36

DD is 21 and a newly qualified nurse, she went to a top uni for nursing a good 2 hours away from home, so it was rather stressful. Her student accommodation was extremely expensive (her grandfather helped pay but she does owe me some money for it).

She now lives in that town in a rather demanding job, full-time, trying to pay her rent (expensive) and pay for food, etc. I help her out and do help with her washing, etc. when I can, but that’s because she is extremely busy with her job.

I think it’s been hard for her.

DD2 thinks I’m having a giraffe, but she would say that! She brings up severe cases of ‘hard lives’ and says I should save my sympathy. I obviously am going to think of my children first though, aren’t I?

Friend thinks she’s had it very lucky with all the help. However, there are lots of people who have it better too...

So, AIBU to think this?

OP posts:
seven201 · 23/10/2017 21:16

Sounds like a normal life to me.

I do think good nurses are bloody amazing though.

mamamalt · 23/10/2017 21:20

Aw I’d say she doesn’t have it particularly hard but she maybe finding it hard (we all do!) and there’s no need for you as her mum not to do all you can to help her.
I have learnt that as I’ve grown up and become a mum myself. Flowers
I think what you’re doing is lovely OP x

HateHomework · 23/10/2017 21:21

A good two hours away from home, so it was rather stressful
Honestly I'm pissing myself laughing at this. I studied in the US, as did dh. I wonder how on earth we coped. Ds is looking at unis just now and I consider a uni two hours away to be almost living at home.

^^This!
Bless you! Some of us had to go to uni in different country and find a job, pay bills etc .... speaking a different language FGS!!!

But if it's hard for you I empathise especially if you come from different culture as I suspect you do...

OnlyParentsAreReal · 23/10/2017 21:25

Sounds perfect average to me. You sound like a very caring mother though and I'm sure she's grateful to have so much help and support from family to make it easy on her

GlitterNails · 23/10/2017 21:27

I assumed she meant her daughter was commuting two hours to university? But not sure.

MammaTJ · 23/10/2017 21:27

Uni two hours away could be living at home! I started a nursing degree, I live three hours from uni but have 2 DC,then both under 10. I was doing the degree and also had to come home and do the laundry for my family!

My cohort has many people in it who have DC, they just crack on. They do their full time nursing jobs (3x12 hours shifts a week) then do their laundry and housework on their 4 days off.

You are pampering your DD far too much!

Ecureuil · 23/10/2017 21:29

I assumed she meant her daughter was commuting two hours to university? But not sure

She mentions uni accommodation so I don’t think so

Dustbunny1900 · 23/10/2017 21:30

went to a top uni for nursing

her grandfather helped pay

i help her out

full time job

Yep sounds like a real hard-knock life

Lifeisforliving25 · 23/10/2017 21:31

Erm no pretty standard !!
I went to uni miles way has no family supporting me. Left had daughter at 22 who's dad walked out and left me with a severely disabled child whilst I still had to work out getting my career.

Actually wasn't that hard to do either

CocoPuffsinGodMode · 23/10/2017 21:31

Op you say she’s the first of your family to go to university, I wonder if you see her life as hard because it seems so different to yours/your families experiences? Maybe her being two hours away at Uni and now living away with a responsible job at 21 feels kind of bigger because it’s not something you’re as familiar with? Whatever the reason you sound like a lovely, caring mum but as you can tell from the responses here your perspective is a little skewed.

It’s nice to be supportive but please be careful you’re not mollycoddling her. You remind me a bit of my friends mother. She’s a lovely women but her well meaning babying of my friend over the years has resulted in friend being imo more dependent on her mum (emotionally and practically) than is entirely healthy. In her head her dd needs her to do things for her because after all she works and has to fit in things like shopping and housework. This lady never worked so to her mind her dd has it hard. However my friend is 40 now and I’m afraid she doesn’t cope terribly well with life’s normal ups and downs and I often think it’s because she really has been unnecessarily sheltered. Part of the job is raising them to be independent after all.

MoistCantaloupe · 23/10/2017 21:31

Maybe this is a joke?
A very well disguised joke.

Mrsyorkie · 23/10/2017 21:32

No she absolutely does not have a hard life.

She's been incredibly fortunate to be able to go onto further education and obtain a degree in a professional and rewarding career. A career where there are lots of training opportunities.

Some people would love to go to university. Some people do but are unable to stay in local accommodation due to work commitments and/or family.

Listen to your other daughter and save your sympathies. Just be proud and happy she's equipped herself with skills to take her far, should she choose.

Fantasticmissfoxy · 23/10/2017 21:33

Doesn't sound particularly hard tbh, just normal. Nice you can help out where you can.

Original poster
AshleighandKelseyandMatthew · 23/10/2017 21:33

I’m not from a different culture at all. Grew up on a council estate, like I said before, I did all the ‘wife work’ from 9+ when my mum died.

Clearly I’m very wrong though and what she is doing isn’t hard at all.

OP posts:
shakeyourcaboose · 23/10/2017 21:35

This first op reminds me of my mother who will never help me out with childcare even when I've been desperate (and I know I should never expect it) but will drop everything to help out her PFB.

HateHomework · 23/10/2017 21:35

It's hard but it's normal, expected and common. If you're not rich or spoilt you do what you DD does, its normal
Still well done to her!

TheFairyCaravan · 23/10/2017 21:37

Clearly I’m very wrong though and what she is doing isn’t hard at all.

Why do you think it's hard Ashleigh? Does she tell you it is or have you just decided that for yourself?

Ionarocks · 23/10/2017 21:38

This is so odd.

She has a great life. She has trained in something she chose to do and, unlike a lot of 21 year olds, she has a profession, direction and a job. She has chosen to live away from you, most 21 year olds want to, those who return home usually do it out of necessity as jobs/affordable housing are hard to find out of uni nowadays. She is an adult now so you need to start treating her as one and be proud of her, not feel sorry for her!

just5morepeas · 23/10/2017 21:42

That isn't a hard life, it's just life! People work hard - everyone does! Tell her to get used to it, telling her she's got it hard isn't going to help her accept that this is just what life is.

She was lucky enough to be able to train into a skilled job with support from her family and into a job that is lot more secure than most people's jobs these days.

She's got it good.

diddl · 23/10/2017 21:44

It is hard to understand why what you think she is doing is so hard?

Yes, she hasn't chosen the easiest job with the shortest hours, but she is working full time, living alone & looking after herself-nothing out of the ordinary.

TheFairyCaravan · 23/10/2017 21:47

TBH she has it better than a lot of 21 yos who have just left uni. She's one of the lucky ones who have no tuition fees to pay back, will have qualified for a bursary and the top up loan she will have got will have been tiny in comparison to someone who has studied Maths or History, for example, so isn't having to worry about being in horrendous debt.

DS2 is in this position too and I know he's incredibly grateful that he's not been stung by the withdrawal of bursaries and introduction of tuition fees for nurses.

dotdotdotmustdash · 23/10/2017 21:51

When my DB was 19 he was in Northern Ireland as a soldier, acting as armed escort to the bomb squad. This was in 1986 when there were terrifying things happening in and around Belfast.

It was all part of the job and made him a stronger person.

I trained as a nurse too, Uni through the week and a bar job on a Fri-Sat-Sun then shifts on placement. I had a bursary of £300pm and rent was £200 of that. My Gran would buy me some groceries but I got no other help from family. It was worth it and I managed to qualify into a profession that allowed me to work around having small children. There are worse lives.

SuperBeagle · 23/10/2017 21:52

Not hard. Probably not even "normal", as it sounds like she's had more financial assistance than the average young person.

I commuted 2.5 hours to and from uni, because that's the reality of living in Australia. The $350-$400 per week for uni accommodation was wholly unfeasible for most people, myself included, so we stayed at home and traveled to and from. Most worked at the same time. Left uni and then had to face the realities of the Sydney housing and rental market, meaning that finding something that wasn't an utter shit tip but didn't chew up 80% of your pay was like finding a needle in a haystack etc.

That's life. It wasn't alway easy, but my life could've been a damn sight harder than it was.

chinalass · 23/10/2017 21:55

Trust me she doesn’t have a hard life!

She’s lucky to have a great mum - but seriously you need to chill out on mothering her!!

LipstickHandbagCoffee · 23/10/2017 21:55

What she’s doing is hard,but it’s age appropriate and what other folk do too
The + is she is a graduate in good profession. She’s solvent with a career path
Single, probably with good social life and meet folk at work
Can work agency or bank for extra money and is in a stable profession

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