AIBU to think DD1 does have a hard life? People keep telling me she hasn't!

[AshleighandKelseyandMatthew]

DD is 21 and a newly qualified nurse, she went to a top uni for nursing a good 2 hours away from home, so it was rather stressful. Her student accommodation was extremely expensive (her grandfather helped pay but she does owe me some money for it).

She now lives in that town in a rather demanding job, full-time, trying to pay her rent (expensive) and pay for food, etc. I help her out and do help with her washing, etc. when I can, but that’s because she is extremely busy with her job.

I think it’s been hard for her.

DD2 thinks I’m having a giraffe, but she would say that! She brings up severe cases of ‘hard lives’ and says I should save my sympathy. I obviously am going to think of my children first though, aren’t I?

Friend thinks she’s had it very lucky with all the help. However, there are lots of people who have it better too...

So, AIBU to think this?

Sounds normal to me too. She can live in a cheap shared house and put her feet up at the end of the day. No kids to run round after and no balancing act with work.

As a Mum to a young ds I don't have experience of parenting an adult child but I imagine it can be hard to let go and see them as an independent adult rather than a child. But, i moved away at 18 to uni, never went back home afterwards moving into my own rented house and loving my life without so much as a backward glance!

If you want to help your child then moral support, letting her know you are proud and listening to any concerns as she starts her career would be considered good parenting imo.

Let her stand on her own two feet. If she is a nurse then I expect she is more capable than you think.

If you are concerned about her hours or workload why not get her a slow cooker or something similarly practical. Help her to help herself.

Sounds very normal to me! Doesn’t mean she’s not finding it hard but it’s what most people do.

It's not a hard life - but from what you said about your own childhood OP, you're bringing that into it.

You're the one who had a hard time.

Do you think that she is too young to be living away from home & looking after herself?

What did you think that she would do when her Uni course finished?

Move back in & work locally?

Very normal but my dm says the same about me as i didnt have a baby till late or buy a house and now have to go back to work (later than my dds friends mums) and everytime she moans about how hard it is for me. 😜😏😳I bet your dd thinks the same...its normal and everyones doing the same and tbh shes one of the lucky ones doing a job she enjoys. She has a job, accommodation and a mum who does her washing and shes only 21. The girls done well!

OP - Sorry for the bashing you've had.

Does DD1 think it's a hard life? Are you worried about how she is coping with her life?

Is it just thats its a different kind of 'hard' to yours? The exam pressure and not always being right next door to family etc? Is it just that you can't imagine her life?

I worked full time as a nurse at 21 and still. I did my own washing. It’s not a hard life. It’s busy yes. But your time If is your own.

Ps a new baby nurse will probably be in a bigger salary than most of her non nursing friends. My dad was less than impressed that I got paid more than he did after working for 30 years.

To me 'hard life' means you've had persistent suffering inflicted on you.

Not facing growing up into independent adulthood in a way which is highly normal. I grew up in the Lake District. If you wanted to go to a decent uni, everything was at least 2 hours away!

My mum had what I would describe as a hard start in life. Parental neglect (scurvy, so she lost all her teeth aged 16), caring for her younger siblings, being continually done down by her whole family, then marry a husband who turned out to be abusive, alcoholic, and who beat her and the children, until he had an affair and left taking all their money.

For the first thirty odd years of her life, there was something dragging her down. She's never recovered from the eating disorders her youth has given her.

Do you see that your daughter's life is dragging her down? Or is she just facing the challenges we all do?

1. I agree with PP, your daughter's life sounds like a normal (pretty good!) life.
2. I wish I had a giraffe.

No, she doesn't have a hard life. Who are you comparing her to?

You sound like my Mum. Worked part time most of her life and never ever did a demanding job.

Yabu and deluded. She’s 21 a grown woman. She’s chosen an admirable profession and I admire nurses but to opt for expensive accommodation she couldn’t really afford was a life style choice. Most students really struggle to afford bobby basic grotty accommodation with no one to help them out financially or with normal tasks such as washing.
I think you are wanting to be needed and enjoy being needed. Maybe too much. Unless she is 21 holding down a full time job, with a debilitating illness and a couple of kids in tow I am sure she can really manage to do her own washing.
If you want to carry on with the arrangement it’s up to you and your daughter but maybe not harp on about it to others so much (if this is what your doing).

Op I think you had the hard life and maybe you’re projecting a bit
Try not to go on about dd1 too much in front of dd2, it could cause resentment. You say dd2 is redoing 6th form, does she know you’re proud of her too for trying again or is there a ‘golden child’ situation going on with dd1?

She doesn't have a hard life but I think some mums just think like this. My DM does too. She always goes on about how hard I have it just because I work PT with a 1 year old. I keep telling her it's easy and I have a very easy life... She thinks I'm lying

It's almost as if you want her life to be seen as hard. As if there's a competition for whose life is the hardest. Why? Maybe something to do with your own perspective.

She sounds as though she's done extremely well and has risen to the challenge of getting herself qualified and out there in the world of work, doing something really valuable - how proud you must be!

Why do you want people to think she has a hard life?

Some of responses to op are harsh,she’s not deluded, she’s a concerned mum wondering about her dd. Very few of us have a completely objective neutral stance when assessing our children. Naturally we want best for them,and hope they’re happy with their lot. I think it is significant that op notes her dd is first in family to attend uni, that’s a big achievement. And to be first in family to go to uni has meaning.

Op is slightly infantilising by doing her dd laundry but that’s no biggie

It’s all relative. At the risk of sounding like a Monty Python sketch: my Mum was an “invited worker” from Ireland who trained as a nurse in UK after WWII. She had to steal bread from the ward because her pay was so poor that she couldn’t afford regular hot meals and often went hungry. My Mum was the most law abiding person you could ever meet and didn’t steal for a laugh.
And she used to get anti-Irish abuse from patients.

All I can say is I wish I’d had a mum like the OP. It’s no bad thing to still look out for your adult kids.

It's not that her life isn't hard, it's just that actually it is pretty normal to have a hard life. Most of us work full time, often in challenging jobs, do housework, look after kids, look after partners, some look after parents too.

It's hard, but that makes the sweet times sweeter, the quiet moments more tranquil and the fun times more enjoyable. The contrast of life is what gives it colour, differentiation.

Yes I'd like more money, a cleaner and some else to help out a bit, but I soldier on.

It's lovely that you help your daughter, but it's a treat, not a requirement because her life is unusually hard. As long as it doesn't put you out too much, and it is properly appreciated then it is a sweet thing to do x