To think that I'm a bloody grown up and that I'll work wherever I want to and live wherever I want to?

[HelpMeMike]

First of all let me start off by saying that I'm 26 and still live at home. My parents have always been slightly overprotective of me but I feel like the older I get, the more overprotective and controlling they become.

I've worked since I was 18 but only on part time contracts and I've always tried to take on as much overtime as I could to try and boost my hours up to as close to full time as I could but there were times when I was still working only my contract hours. Anyway I have just been offered a full time job in an area which I have no experience in but would like to work in so naturally I have accepted it. I told my parents fully expecting them to be happy for me but they (especially my dad) just went off it with me instead. They keep telling me that it will be too much for me, that I won't cope, I will be tired and I should just stay where I am (working 16 hours in a restaurant). I think I am a perfectly capable intelligent adult but they just keep making me feel so useless and thick.

I want to take this job and move out but it's the same thing with moving out too...they say I won't be able to afford it, it will be too much for me, etc.

I want to give this new job a try and start enjoying life a bit but they just seemed so determined to hold me back and I'm scared of the fall out that will happen if I go for it.

It's not wrong to want to live a bit, is it?

Hi OP, unfortunately your parents don't want you to grow up and leave home. This may be because they haven't yet mastered the "adult" concept that understands that we bring our children up to be adults and then we need to let them go. It is actually your parents who need to grow up. They sound needy. And unhealthy.
You have had a driving license for four years and been stopped from driving anywhere without your dad? Is it his car? For some reason your parents are frightened of you becoming a grow up person, with independent thoughts, needs and ideas. Do not allow them to stunt you in this way. They have each other and they'll get over it. They can get a puppy if they need something to be in charge of.

You are going to have to be brave and tell them something along the lines of: I'm sorry you are struggling with this, but I am 26, not 16, and I need to get myself out into the world. I'm accepting this job, I'm finding a flat share, and I'm going to learn how to stand on my own two feet. I'd love it if you could just be encouraging and supportive, but if not, I'm afraid I still need to do this and I fully intend to. I'm sorry if that's not what you expected, but I really need to live my own life and make my own choices. Please don't stand in my way. I appreciate all you've done for me and everything you've taught me, but it's time for me to go out into the world and make my own decisions and maybe even some mistakes. I'm sure you don't want a daughter who is afraid to live, do you?

Make your plans, then leave. It's time to put yourself first!

By the way, when I was 26 I was married and having my first child. And now she is 26, has a great career, and lives very happily with her bf. Some people have great trouble letting go of their children, letting go of the idea that they have to keep them safe etc, sometimes they need a nudge. They need to grow up.
I wish you all the strength, determination and confidence for taking this (very normal) step.

Like everyone else, fly and be free!

I have an only son. He doesn't tell me a lot, and I think only children have to protect their privacy a bit. Don't tell them about problems and plans until they are set up and ready to go. So obviously tell them your new address, but it's none of their business what places you look at.

I warn you that you will make a lot of mistakes. Unfortunately with parents like this you will need to develop a support network of your own. Make new secret social media profiles then you can put the word out that you are looking for somewhere to live, for example. Make the move now, this week. You could move by Friday.

Do you think that the OPs parents have taken the wi fi code off her!!

Please don't give them ideas

I have never had a car myself despite wanting one...I don't think I'd try and but one of my own though whilst still living at home because I know my parents wuld try to interfere and dictate what kind of car I could buy. I drive my dad's car sometimes but never on my own, he always has to sit in the passenger seat and just won't STFU the whole time.

You might find the Stately Homes thread interesting OP. Your parents do sound awfully controlling.

I come from a similar background and I urge you to go, go, run as fast as you can and don't look back. Your parents are being incredibly unfair to you at best, not letting you grow and develop the way you should be able to, and I imagine/remember that it's not a lot of fun living in a house where you're constantly undermined when you want to do something new. It's such a relief to get away from all that.
I would expect that you'll find some things very hard, stuff that other people might have no problems with, but you shouldn't take that as a sign that you're not able to look after yourself. It's just a side effect of your restricted upbringing. Everything gets easier the longer you're away. If you ever want to discuss anything or any advice or anything, please feel free to PM me.

I don't have any friends so no one really I can talk to about this . I just struggle sometimes with fitting in and making friends. I even struggle to get jobs tbh. I usually make it to the interview stage and then never hear anything back. That's why I was so happy when I got this job.

I have never had a relationship or had sex either.

People say I'm odd but that's no exuse really. Even odd people can still grow up and leave home.

I bet you’re not “odd”, but if that’s your experience of people’s perceptions of you, then perhaps it’s because you don’t know how to behave, and relate, as an adult. You must learn how to do this for yourself. Your parents are doing you a massive disservice by not allowing you to grow up.

I'm as odd as all hell. Before I left home I was scared to get on the bus because I was too shy to give my bus fare to the driver.

What do you think would happen if you got into a relationship? How do you think your parents would react?

OP you have got through 26 years of controlling overprotection and still have the wherewithal and ambition to make big changes to your life for the better. You sound like someone who will do very well in adult life.

Oh, and we're all a bit odd. You just need to find your tribe. Which will be much easier to do when you're able to concentrate on doing what's best for you and not what's best for your parents.

Good luck!

Your parents are fucking batshit and there bat's plenty of us odd folk out here with places to live on our own, partners, jobs, children, everything. Please form a plan to get out and just do it.

My advice is to assume that your parents will try to keep a hold over your in some way - don't let them. Never overspend, always tuck a chunk of salary away, make sure you are your own financial cushion so you don't have ever go back there. Good luck!

A houseshare is definitely the way forward- it'll be cheaper and less of a shock than living by yourself. And someone who already lives there will have dealt with the initial bill-paying issues.

Don't buy a car straight away unless you need it to get to work - wait and see how much spare money you really have. You can book a refresher lesson or two if you have your license but have never actually driven alone.

Get the fuck out. They are undermining and abusing you. Parenthood is supposed to be about enabling your kids to fly the nest with confidence. They have failed you and all credit to you for having the desire to go and fly anyway despite being put down constantly!

Def recommend a house share with similar people. En suite. Cheaper and you'll make friends. You'll learn how to be an adult on the job.

Oh my, they’ve really curtailed your life haven’t they. Please put yourself on the housing list and move out ASAP!

In the mean time open a bank account they don’t know about and a new email address for your wages to be paid into. First Direct are good. Be vague about your hours and outgoings. You are escaping an abusive relationship. Go read the stately homes thread to see if anything rings true.

If things are tricky, DON'T go to your parents first. Try to work things out by yourself or with the help of your flatmates or people from work or asking on here.

(I don't mean money, I mean "how does X work?" advice).

Your parents will use anything as evidence that you "can't cope".

At 26 I was married and had a mortgage - so there is absolutely nothing wrong with you wanting to move out!!!

My advice - you need to treat them like mushrooms; keep them in the dark and feed them shit

That's a slightly blunt way of saying, don't tell them everything - in fact, tell them as little as possible.

Don't tell them about the job - just take it.
Find a house-share near the job, apply for it and don't tell them.
Hire a man and van - you'll find details on Gumtree or in local shops and supermarkets on the noticeboards - and book him for a certain date and time. Pack your stuff up and move out at a time when they are not there.

Come back to the house the same night and tell them calmly that you have moved out and that they have your number if they want to speak with you. But that you are an adult and you are entitled to your own life.

• They don't have the right to approve where you work.
• They don't have the right to 'vet' where you live - in fact you don't even have to give them the address (I wouldn't). If they ask about where to -

send your mail then tell them you have already arranged a re-direction with Royal Mail (you can find details online on their website).

A house share would be perfect for you, as it will allow you to get to grips with living independently and hopefully make some friends and have some fun at the same time.

The best lesson I ever learned was that you don't HAVE to do anything. You don't have to confide in them. You don't have to go home. You don't have to visit/speak/agree to anything. And if you feel you HAVE to, then take a step back and ask yourself why. What will happen if you don't? They'll be upset - but the world won't end and life will go on. I cannot begin to tell you how wonderfully free you feel when you stop giving a shit, because it means that they can no longer emotionally manipulate you.

Remember - mushroom management

Ps you don't need their permission or understanding to do this. Start the job, save a few months salary, view some house shares and put a deposit down. Get the keys, go to a local charity furniture shop for what you need. Move in. Rent a van to move your things if you need to. You'll be fine. Don't warn them before you're ready to actually move as it just gives them weeks to try and undermine you and chip away at your confidence.

Oh and look at your local college or adult education centre to see if they do evening classes on financial management - it would be a great help for you and would remove some of the mystery in budgeting and bill paying!!

My parents in law were like this with my sister in law. They wanted to keep her at home with them forever. Like a pet.

She went to university, living at home with them of course but when she finished and started applying for jobs they told her that she would ‘never manage’ and talked her out of it.

She ended up with a part time job at her former university. Really it was a job designed for students.

This went on for years, she went with them on Saturdays to do the good shopping. That sort of thing. The more it went on the less chance she had to get out as she had absolutely nothing to say to anyone as she had no life at all.

Then suddenly (at thirty) she started talking about a man. Six months later she was engaged and now they are married and she moved away. We assume she met him on the internet. He’s a totally normal bloke and they have bought a house. They have jobs and cars. Managing just fine she is. But she lost her twenties completely to the will of her parents.

I agree with everyone else OP, it's time you spread your wings and live how you want to, being able to support yourself in life qualifies you as an adult in my book

Guessing you're not yet a whizz at money management, this might make it easier to plan how to spend your wages or show you where a lot of money goes. You'll not need to fill in all the categories, some rents include a few of the categories on the list. www.stoozing.com/calculator/soa.php
Print off a few then fill them in with realistic fictional wages and play with the figures, see what sort of wage you need to live in what sort of place.

You'll need to save a little for a deposit on your first house-share.
I know this is a little way in the future, but so many people get conned with this. When you move in and again when you move out, photograph everything, the carpets, walls, tiles, doors, literally keep a record as some unscrupulous owners will try and say you've caused damage when you move on and they refuse to refund your deposit.

Also, don't get conned into paying more than you need to, some people want one person to share then the first person moves a boyfriend in, so the bills should be split 3 ways but they argue the boyfriend is just visiting so you need to pay half the bills.

Don't worry, as everyone's said, just post here and someone will give you a hand, the whole moving on from the parental home thing is what you need to be working on right now.

Very few people get everything right in the adult world first time, it is hard but you do learn by making mistakes. Don't beat yourself up, it's how we all learned. I'm really loking forward to the day you post and link to this thread and say "I did it!"

I'm an only child and my parents were quite happy to let me fly free.
I cannot imagine being in your shoes op that's just horrible
Please, please do everything to stand on your own two feet even if you fall down a few times , you won't make the same mistake twice

That's so shocking. I'm hoping they haven't bred you to look after them in their dotage

Oh and if you're not sure how to do something, then start a MN thread. There are always people on here 24/7 and I am sure they will be able to give advice and answer your questions.

Good luck!

Go for it, don't let your parents limit you!
When costing think about:
Price of flat share
Your share of council tax
Your share of utilities (gas, electric, phone, tv license, internet etc)
Transport
Food
Saving for a holiday (which you'll be doing without your parents next year)
Cost of your new hobby(ies) - see below!

Decide on a new hobby and find a way to take part /learn a new skill. This might make you new friends. Whether it's a course, a sport, a historical reinactnent, volunteering at a local soup kitchen or charity shop. Just get involved with something!

... I know my parents would try to interfere and dictate what kind of car I could buy.

You poor thing. Your parents have certainly done a number on you. You truly can't see the forest for the trees.

The only way your parents can interfere with ANYTHING is if you allow them to do so. You have far more power than you realize. Aside from what happens in their home, they have no power over you. There is not a single thing on earth that they can do to prevent you from making your own choices unless you let them. Get out and get free from their abuse.

This is your time, your moment, to head out into the world and find out who you are. Nobody knows how to be an adult, we are all just winging it. You go and try, you make mistakes, you learn and you move on. House shares can work out brilliantly. Renting is fine. You can do this. Cut the apron strings and fly.