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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that I'm a bloody grown up and that I'll work wherever I want to and live wherever I want to?

181 replies

HelpMeMike · 23/10/2017 16:05

First of all let me start off by saying that I'm 26 and still live at home. My parents have always been slightly overprotective of me but I feel like the older I get, the more overprotective and controlling they become.

I've worked since I was 18 but only on part time contracts and I've always tried to take on as much overtime as I could to try and boost my hours up to as close to full time as I could but there were times when I was still working only my contract hours. Anyway I have just been offered a full time job in an area which I have no experience in but would like to work in so naturally I have accepted it. I told my parents fully expecting them to be happy for me but they (especially my dad) just went off it with me instead. They keep telling me that it will be too much for me, that I won't cope, I will be tired and I should just stay where I am (working 16 hours in a restaurant). I think I am a perfectly capable intelligent adult but they just keep making me feel so useless and thick.

I want to take this job and move out but it's the same thing with moving out too...they say I won't be able to afford it, it will be too much for me, etc.

I want to give this new job a try and start enjoying life a bit but they just seemed so determined to hold me back and I'm scared of the fall out that will happen if I go for it.

It's not wrong to want to live a bit, is it?

OP posts:
InvisibleKittenAttack · 23/10/2017 16:33

They haven't mentally moved on from you being a child. They logically know you are 26, but they haven't moved on to feeling like the parents of an adult child. If you move out and get on with life, they'll have to accept their years of active parenting are over.

I agree that uni is amazing for forcing this mental shift.

Just get on with it. It really doesn't matter what your parents think. Advice is nice, but it's still your choice.

notnowthough · 23/10/2017 16:33

Congratulations on the job offer. Find a house share that you like and start to enjoy your life - you only get one go at it :)

It sounds as if your dad is struggling with you being an adult - could you have a chat to him and remind him that you having the confidence to move out and start doing something you want to is a sign of his fantastic parenting?

frazmum · 23/10/2017 16:34

Don’t do this. A relation is in a similar position and while they’ve not been abusive they’ve become very dependent on her.

She’s now over 40, has a good job but still lives at home. Can’t see her ever getting into a long term relationship. Her parents even wait till the weekend to do the grocery shop with her.

Jasminedes · 23/10/2017 16:35

Do your own thing, just nod and smile and then do it anyway. Come on here when you need advice on practical things. If you never leave, how will you ever learn how to? Ask them, did they live with their parents until they were your age? Older? I am sure they want to protect you, but tell them they have done their bit and its over to you now. Congrats on the job, you must have something about you to have got that. A flatshare is a great way to learn about other people too - lots of arguments about the washing up, but you will save some money, maybe make some friends and learn a lot of useful poeple skills.

Anniegetyourgun · 23/10/2017 16:36

Here's your new anthem:

InvisibleKittenAttack · 23/10/2017 16:36

Btw - did your parents go from their parents' homes to only living together once at least engaged or married?

It does seem in some families, they struggle to see you as an adult until you are settling down. Which is why renting with friends is seen as pointless, you are classed as "child" until living with a partner, that's how to be a grown up.

MoosicalDaisy · 23/10/2017 16:37

House sharing is definitely the best idea for you I think, you don't want too much of a shock from all of these changes! Go for it! Make the break from your parents.

Aquamarine1029 · 23/10/2017 16:37

Is your father this controlling with your mother?

dorislessingscat · 23/10/2017 16:39

YANBU. Take the job. Make your plans. Don’t overshare them with your parents.

Broken record: I’m an adult. This is what adults do. I’m free to make my own choices, and make mistakes if I have to.

RiversrunWoodville · 23/10/2017 16:41

Definitely you CAN do this. I'm 35, married with 2 dds and have no clue what I'm doing and my 61 year old DM recently informed me she was giving up adulting as she tried it and still didn't get it so I really do think everyone is winging it, some just do a better job of looking confident Halloween Wink

FizzyGreenWater · 23/10/2017 16:42

You won't ever be able to get out and afford a place of your own to buy without a full time job, no.

And that's exactly what they want.

You are being abused, OP, and you can't entirely see it as it's all you've ever known.

They are controlling you. They want you to stay their little child forever.

This is an insane situation to be in at 26. Your dad sitting in the passenger seat instructing you?!

This whole situation is extremely unnatural and your parents' relationship with you is not normal.

Take the job. Or preferably, start applying for jobs very far away and actually leave properly. It's hard to do it all at once though.

Once you have a full time job, look for a house share.

Baby steps, but you MUST start breaking free.

myshinynewusername · 23/10/2017 16:43

They don't want you to earn enough money to move out. They want you reliant on them because then you are still under their control.

Be prepared for them to try emotional blackmail and even possibly threats, but don't let them hold you back.

BrandNewHouse · 23/10/2017 16:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SporadicSpartacus · 23/10/2017 16:43

That struck a chord. My parents were similar.

I ended up marrying someone unsuitable at 24 to get away from. Still get nightmares of them chasing me, trying to hold me back physically etc.

You sound a lot more together and good at ‘adulting’ than I was. You can absolutely do it and you should take the job. Maybe would help to learn a few stock phrases, ie ‘I’m letting you know my plans, I’m not asking permission’, and use broken record tactics.

RangeTesKopeks · 23/10/2017 16:44

Congratulations on the job OP!! :)

I could've written your post - sorry to hear about your situation. With me, it's more than my Mum's overprotective, but my situation is very similar to yours. Just wondering if counselling would help you too?

Please do take the job and go for it :)

Good luck!! Flowers

RangeTesKopeks · 23/10/2017 16:44

*more than

RangeTesKopeks · 23/10/2017 16:44

*more that (sorry!!)

poppl · 23/10/2017 16:44

You’re not going to learn how to be an adult living with them, are you?

Get out and find out for yourself what being an adult means. Make some mistakes along the way - that’s the fun bit.

Seriously, run as far and as fast as you can from your parents.

soontobeamum1982 · 23/10/2017 16:45

Sounds like they are nervous of what life will be like when their child has left. That's not your problem. Go, and live your life. Don't allow them to make you feel guilty for being independent. I bet you'll feel so much better about yourself once you're standing on your own two feet and know you can walk away and go home whenever they start (inadvertently, I'm sure) putting you down.

Loubymoo27 · 23/10/2017 16:45

Good God they sound awful!! By 26 I had been working full time for 7 years, been moved out for 5 years, married 3 years and was pregnant! My parents were supportive every step!! I'm so sorry they are treating you like this! It's you're life op and I think you need to live it how you want to!! It's clearly hard for them to let go but you need to show them you are capable!! Congratulations on your new job and good luck!!!

Ewanwhosearmy · 23/10/2017 16:45

Your parents are odd. When our 26 yo moved out we hung the flags out (metaphorically). We were thrilled to get our house back!

Peopleplease · 23/10/2017 16:47

OP I was you 13 years ago. 27, living at home, part time contract (although working full time hours)

My mum had depression and anxiety and needed me to be dependent on her. She admitted (with no shame,completely matter of fact) that she’d had me to look after her and my Dad as they aged. My father was very upset when I got my first job, I was supposed to be at their beck and call. The few times I’d raised the possibility of moving out my mother had hysterics(literally throwing herself on the couch sobbing). She hated me having a boyfriend (and when I told her he loved me almost started crying and saying he didn’t!).

Like you, I got a good full time job and moved out. A House share but with just one other woman. My mother tried saying she had to approve where I lived but I rented it and she had no say. The day I moved she sat in her chair sobbing ‘my own little girl’

12 years on I’m married with two little girls of my own. I truely don’t think it would have happened if I’d staged living at home.

Oh and I had/have no idea how to be an adult!

RosieBucket · 23/10/2017 16:48

they say I won't be able to afford it, it will be too much for me, etc

If you've always worked part-time hours, do they have to give you substantial financial support because of this? Have you ever given them reason to think you can't manage full time hours? Could they be worried that if you move out they will have to find even more money to support you? I realise some people are going to think this is a horrible post, but some little phrases you use do make me think - especially as the mother of a dd who often used to jump into things with both feet - and often needed bailing out of an ill-considered move. Btw, she hasn't lived at home since she went to uni at 19, so I wasn't in the business of trying to keep her at home. Just trying to reduce the eventual financial cost to me.

mygorgeousmilo · 23/10/2017 16:48

Toxic parents. Escape from them as soon as you can.

LakieLady · 23/10/2017 16:50

What control freakery. They don't want you to be an adult!

The only way to learn how to stand on your own two feet is to get out there and do it. You'll make mistakes, everyone does, but that's how we learn.

The greatest thing a parent can do for their children is to let them go and be independent. Lord knows why yours don't seem to be able to do this.

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