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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that I'm a bloody grown up and that I'll work wherever I want to and live wherever I want to?

181 replies

HelpMeMike · 23/10/2017 16:05

First of all let me start off by saying that I'm 26 and still live at home. My parents have always been slightly overprotective of me but I feel like the older I get, the more overprotective and controlling they become.

I've worked since I was 18 but only on part time contracts and I've always tried to take on as much overtime as I could to try and boost my hours up to as close to full time as I could but there were times when I was still working only my contract hours. Anyway I have just been offered a full time job in an area which I have no experience in but would like to work in so naturally I have accepted it. I told my parents fully expecting them to be happy for me but they (especially my dad) just went off it with me instead. They keep telling me that it will be too much for me, that I won't cope, I will be tired and I should just stay where I am (working 16 hours in a restaurant). I think I am a perfectly capable intelligent adult but they just keep making me feel so useless and thick.

I want to take this job and move out but it's the same thing with moving out too...they say I won't be able to afford it, it will be too much for me, etc.

I want to give this new job a try and start enjoying life a bit but they just seemed so determined to hold me back and I'm scared of the fall out that will happen if I go for it.

It's not wrong to want to live a bit, is it?

OP posts:
DonnaMoss · 23/10/2017 16:52

Gosh OP, your post is so sad. Please please live your own life and get away from your parents. It shouldn't be like this. We all muddle along trying to be adults so don't be scared. Make the jump Flowers

BendydickCuminsnatch · 23/10/2017 16:53

Your parents sound utterly bizarre. You sound normal and sensible though which is amazing given your parents! So you are already winning :)

You say your parents have done a lot for you - well, they're your parents, they're meant to. Don't let that make you feel indebted to them. Obviously you can be grateful, but don't let it stop you from spreading your wings.

Whatever you do, you MUST take this job. Even if you remain living at home. Can you distance yourself from them somehow while you save up to move - if you tell them everything going on in your life, don't. Don't tell your dad when you're going out, just go, so he can't come in that car with you.

You've got to take the leap! And I bet your life will take off at an amazing pace. Leaving home is an exciting time!

AlpacaPicnic · 23/10/2017 16:53

I'm 40. I'm pretty sure I'm still faking at 'adulting' most of the time.
Sometimes I get all cocky and think I've figured it all out, and do things like buy vegetables and loo rolls before we've run out - then I will need to do something like phone a plumber and I wish I was back at home so my dad would do it!

I bought my house at your age, after renting for a couple of years, and yes - it was scary at first but if it was that awful nobody would ever do it.

And finally its natural for people to grow, to move on, to change. Its a sign that your parents have done their 'job' of raising an independent adult.

specialsubject · 23/10/2017 16:53

At 26 and in normal health you can manage triple the hours you do now.

Saw through the umbilical cord and fly the nest.

ScipioAfricanus · 23/10/2017 16:53

Sounds like they can’t let you go. You say you have no disabilities etc (I have chronic illness which makes it hard to work and certainly to do full time which would be a reasonable concern of my loved ones for me, and was the only reasonable thing I could think of in your OP). You need to get out and establish yourself as it sounds highly unhealthy how they are treating you from what you’ve said and mostly meting their needs to keep you as a child, not yours. Get out and good luck!

Fluffyears · 23/10/2017 16:54

None of us actually know how to be an adult we’re all just winging it to be honest. Can you cook, wash clothes, pay bills.....? Then you can certainly live independently. If your parents interfere remind them you are an adult, you have to live your life how you see fit and you are capable. If my late dad had giveb me ‘driving instruction’ he would not have set foot in my car!

Viserion · 23/10/2017 16:55

Take the job, move out.
Come to MN for parental support on how to do things 'in the adult world' if your parents are just going to patronise you and treat you like an incompetent child. Or talk to friends about how they have done things. Anyone but your parents as they will just undermine you.

And get yourself over to the Stately Homes thread.

SlothMama · 23/10/2017 16:58

Take the job, move out and get on with your life!

maddening · 23/10/2017 16:59

Tell them you are going to do it. Give them each a big hug and tell them you love them, will always be a part of their lives but it really is time for you to be stepping out with your head held high safe in the knowledge that your parents love you. You will figure it out just as they have - it's your turn now.

tinypop4 · 23/10/2017 16:59

Congratulations on your job offer OP - definitely take it and get out and start living your life as a young adult!
You could do a flat share, or get your own small place and you'll have a ball not living at home with your parents.

Everyone is winging it when they first go into adult life! If you're having any trouble with finances/bills mumsnet will help you.

oldlaundbooth · 23/10/2017 17:00

I'd be out of there like a bloody shot.

oldlaundbooth · 23/10/2017 17:02

When I was 26 I went to Vancouver with a working holiday visa and a backpack. No job, no place to live. I'm still alive! Met DH, married him and moved to Canada.

diddl · 23/10/2017 17:02

Congratulations on the job.

Well, this might sound awful but what fallout will there be?

Are they going to disown you?

oldlaundbooth · 23/10/2017 17:04

For the record I have no clue what I'm doing either.

No one does!

prettyprettyprettyprettyghoul · 23/10/2017 17:05

Let me tell you the biggest secret of adulting: nobody ever actually feels like an adult. Whether you’re 18 or 40. But we all are.

Fake it til you make it!

OMGtwins · 23/10/2017 17:07

Oh OP, run away! Set your boundaries amd stick to them. My parents used to say that from the minute I was born it was their job was to prepare me to look after myself and leave home. I did, at 18 for uni and omg it was hard for everyone (all the tears when my dad dropped me off with all my stuff) but they were happy for me to go because it was the next stage in my life. They also very graciously put up with me phoning for advice at least once a week for years! Everyone else is so right, from the outside we all look like we're adulting, but we're all winging it, even people with kids of their own and "responsible" jobs ;)

Sugarpiehoneyeye · 23/10/2017 17:08

Don't be scared, you'll be fine, we're always here to support and advise you. 😄
You need to leave, it's high time you were living your life, how you want to live it. You will succeed, you've done your sums, now spread your wings and fly, little bird !

OMGtwins · 23/10/2017 17:10

Also, have a think who that person/people will be who you can ring up for non judgemental advice. I suspect your parents won't be it and will use anything you phone them about as a reason for you to be moving back in with them....

SchadenfreudePersonified · 23/10/2017 17:10

RUN!!!

RUN LIKE THE WIND!!!!

They love you, but they are smothering you - you need to get away.

LostwithSawyer · 23/10/2017 17:11

Take the job move out and don't tell them until it's done.

House share or a bedsit could be a way to get out of there.

Itsanicehotel · 23/10/2017 17:12

Congratulations. Accept the job and find somewhere you can afford to live - a house share is absolutely fine.

I totally get where you are coming from with being told you can’t cope, it’ll be too much for you etc etc. I got that from my DPs and the. A controlling husband. When I had finally had enough and got out it turned I could cope just fine. Living independently was so much easier than I had been conned into believing.

You can do this. And not just do it, but do it just fine. Times are completely different from in your parents day. You will be waiting for ever if you stay with them until you can afford a house of your own.

Everyone is winging adulthood . You learn it as you go along and you are as capable as the next person in striking out and living independently.

bananafanana1 · 23/10/2017 17:14

Oh gosh do it! It’s difficult to make the break but it’ll be great

Good luck

BlackBetha · 23/10/2017 17:15

My parents were similar, although I moved out at 19 and am very glad I did. Sadly I have only a very distant relationship with them now, and avoid telling them anything or involving them in my life as much as possible, because of the relentless negativity and 'I told you so' attitude when anything goes less than 100% perfectly. It took me a long time to get over that feeling of being incapable and broken, of being somehow not like normal people my age, too fragile to cope with real life. Distancing myself from them was the only way.

I agree about taking the job (congratulations!), and moving out as soon as you can afford to. Financial independence is going to be key for you here. E.g. it doesn't matter if your dad thinks a house-share is 'not good enough'; if you're paying the rent then it's your decision and no one else's business. Similarly, if you can buy your own car, then it's up to you who, if anyone, sits in the passenger seat.

Absolutely agree no one knows how to be an adult, and the only way you find out is by trying (and for most of us, making stupid mistakes and learning from them). So don't get discouraged or run back to them as soon as anything goes slightly wrong. That's just life.

Jux · 23/10/2017 17:16

OP, please just take the job, find a house share you like and can afford and move out.

It won't all be plain sailing and you will find things sometimes go a bit pear shaped, but that's how we learn about life and actually grow up.

Do it do it do it do it do it do it do it do it do it do it do it do it do it do it do it do it do it do it do it do it do it do it do it do it do it do it do it do it do it do it do it do it do it do it do it do it do it do it do it do it do it do it do it do it do it do it do it do it do it do it do it do it do it do it do it do it do it

You'll also have so much fun
Making mistakes and getting things wrong is human and we learn from it and become bigger and wiser
You'll grow as a person
You'll discover the world! There's so much in it, you can do anything you want to and go anywhere you want
Take that step, jump over the fences your parents put up

Do it do it do it do it do it do it do it do it do it do it do it do it do it do it do it do it do it do it do it do it do it do it do it do it do it do it do it do it do it do it do it do it do it do it do it do it do it do it do it do it do it do it do it do it do it do it do it do it do it do it do it do it do it do it do it do it do it

You CAN!!!!!!

RapunzelsRealMom · 23/10/2017 17:16

I started reading this thinking that I might have some sympathy for your parents, given that my DD1 is 20 and considering moving away for work next year and I am dreading it!!

But, my goodness, this is ridiculous! Still instructing you as you drive?! And all the rest!

They see you slipping away and they are getting worse as you get older to keep you under their control. They should be encouraging you to take on a full time job and more responsibilities to build your confidence to become a fully functioning adult (which you don’t seem to be right now, I’m afraid).

At your age, I had a husband, baby and mortgage. I asked my parents for advice and support as my confidence and experience grew with time. It’s how we all learn.

You need to sit them down to discuss this. What were they doing at 26? More than you, I bet!

Good luck with the new job

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