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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that I'm a bloody grown up and that I'll work wherever I want to and live wherever I want to?

181 replies

HelpMeMike · 23/10/2017 16:05

First of all let me start off by saying that I'm 26 and still live at home. My parents have always been slightly overprotective of me but I feel like the older I get, the more overprotective and controlling they become.

I've worked since I was 18 but only on part time contracts and I've always tried to take on as much overtime as I could to try and boost my hours up to as close to full time as I could but there were times when I was still working only my contract hours. Anyway I have just been offered a full time job in an area which I have no experience in but would like to work in so naturally I have accepted it. I told my parents fully expecting them to be happy for me but they (especially my dad) just went off it with me instead. They keep telling me that it will be too much for me, that I won't cope, I will be tired and I should just stay where I am (working 16 hours in a restaurant). I think I am a perfectly capable intelligent adult but they just keep making me feel so useless and thick.

I want to take this job and move out but it's the same thing with moving out too...they say I won't be able to afford it, it will be too much for me, etc.

I want to give this new job a try and start enjoying life a bit but they just seemed so determined to hold me back and I'm scared of the fall out that will happen if I go for it.

It's not wrong to want to live a bit, is it?

OP posts:
AlexsMum89 · 23/10/2017 16:16

I can sympathise with you somewhat OP. Not my parents, but my Nan has always tried to make me feel like I can't do anything and when I have achieved something she has always tried to stop me. I quickly developed a strong 'I'll do what I want' attitude!

I've always been a very strong, independent, capable kind of person. I do everything for myself but she always tries to make me feel like I can't. Even going as far at one stage as saying to me 'It's a wonder you've got as far as you have really, you were never supposed to even be able to drive'.

Just to clarify, there's nothing wrong with me. I'm a reasonably intelligent, social, chartered accountant, mother, driver (of at least 4 types of vehicle) and DIY'er. I am successful at most things I try. I do have a lazy eye, which means I need glasses which correct the condition. So no big deal really.

When I split with my exH a few years back she tried to stage some kind of intervention because she believed I couldn't cope on my own... I don't see her very often now.

My advice to you is not to let anyone else hold you back. You are in charge of your own destiny.

RandomMess · 23/10/2017 16:16

Can you look for a house share?

Means your parents can’t barge in and inflict themselves on you. Also means you can ask for help on how to do household tasks if you don’t actually know?

TheRadiantAerynSun · 23/10/2017 16:18

Adulthood isn't a prize you get for a being a good child; you just have to crack on and do it.

Unless there's a reason you're not telling us (e.g. that you're a particularly vulnerable person) then you just have to say 'I'm sorry you feel that way' and go do what you need to do. It sounds like you'll need to do it alone, which is sad, but not much to be done there.

I may well be hard. You may well fail a few times. That's OK.

RedHelenB · 23/10/2017 16:19

Yanbu. A house share sounds ideal, get saving for your car and start enjoying making your own decisions. Also, expect to make mistakes but remember they can be sorted out. Good luck!

TieGrr · 23/10/2017 16:19

You'll never learn how to be an adult while you're living with them. Move out as soon as you can and figure it out for yourself.

Flowers
Original poster
HelpMeMike · 23/10/2017 16:20

I am looking at house shares...apparantly that's not good enough though and neither is renting. According to my dad I'm just supposed to sit around and wait until I can afford to buy my own house...but how will I ever do that if I can't even work full time?

OP posts:
CPtart · 23/10/2017 16:20

Are you an only child?
The cynic in me thinks they want you around for their own benefit in old age. Don't let them pull the guilt card, most parents "do a lot" for their DC. The longer you leave it the harder it will be, but be prepared for tantrums, threats and tears.

RandomMess · 23/10/2017 16:22

It’s not up to them!!! Save up the money for the house share and crack on with it.

Aquamarine1029 · 23/10/2017 16:22

You have GOT to get the hell out of your parent's house, and the sooner the better. You are their emotional hostage, and they use emotional blackmail to keep you in check. You are not responsible for your parent's happiness, only your own. You are 26 YEARS OLD. You don't need anyone's permission to live your own life.

crunchtime · 23/10/2017 16:22

did you go to university? this is why it's such a good idea to go if you can because it breaks those apron strings gently

Topseyt · 23/10/2017 16:22

How to be an adult? Well I am 51 now with three mostly grown up daughters and I am still just winging it, making it up as I go along. I've hardly lived at home since I was 18.

Congratulations on the job. Take it with both hands and leave home. You so need to do this. You'll regret it if you don't and like everyone else, you will be fine.

Smile and nod to your parents, then just ignore them and do it. They have to learn to let go, even though they don't want to. This is a rite of passage for you. Enjoy it.

minionsrule · 23/10/2017 16:22

OP maybe your parents are scared of being without you, rather than thinking you can't cope. Maybe they don't like the idea of just having themselves for company.
Doesn't excuse the behaviour but might be an explanation.
Go, take the job and move out, it will be the making of you

OlennasWimple · 23/10/2017 16:23

Congratulations on getting the job!

Now crack on with finding a fab house share and starting to live your life Flowers

sonjadog · 23/10/2017 16:24

I imagine in their minds they see it as caring, not letting you have a chance to fail by never trying to really achieve anything. But what it is is stifling your life and your future. Move out, get the job and join the adult world. Being an adult is not that hard. It´s just living your life as the person you are, to the best of your ability. Don´t let them or anyone else turn it into a big deal.

usualGubbins · 23/10/2017 16:27

It sounds to me as if your parents are preparing to have their dutiful daughter all trained up to look after them in their old age! Find yourself a flatshare - be ready for the first one not to be perfect, but you can always move! You'll never move on if you don't make that first jump!

CoraPirbright · 23/10/2017 16:28

What on earth makes them think that a 26 year old cant ‘cope’ with working full time?! Confused

Are your parents successful themselves? I am just wondering if they never really fulfilled their own potential, feel bitter about it and envy you? Or are they some of those “no better than she should be” types who think that success makes people ‘snobby’ or up themselves?

Either way, time to spread your wings. And the only way you will do as most people do and just sort of guess your way to adulthood, is to leave home. There’s no way it wll happen whilst you are still under their roof and they continue to treat you like you are 6 years old!

LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett · 23/10/2017 16:29

According to my dad I'm just supposed to sit around and wait until I can afford to buy my own house...but how will I ever do that if I can't even work full time?

Just think that sentence through for a second. Of course you'll never be able to save for a house if you only work 16 hours a week in a restaurant. They don't want you to save enough for a house, because then you'll leave. They don't want you to succeed.

So fuck that for a game of soldiers, go and get your job, then get a houseshare and get saving. Live your life!

heateallthebuns · 23/10/2017 16:29

House shares are great for making new friends and usually that bit cheaper than renting on your own so you can save towards a deposit. You've accepted the job haven't you?

Lucisky · 23/10/2017 16:29

I feel sorry for you because leaving home for the first time is when you need sensible and practical support from your parents, not opposition. My mum couldn't get me out of the door soon enough, but was always there if I needed advice (on learning to become an adult! Huh, still learning.)
I wouldn't over share your plans with them if they are going to be awkward. Have you got any friends who can help you, and give you some moral support? It will be hard for you to break free, but you will look back and realise it was worth it. Have you asked them why they treat you like a child?

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 23/10/2017 16:30

I'm scared I have no idea how to be an adult.

Yes you do, you know how to drive, and you know how to apply for (and get) a job! The rest you just fake it until you make it, like the rest of us! Grin

Good luck, you will feel so much freer without your patents breathing down your neck.

HoneyWheeler · 23/10/2017 16:30

I think the way they treat you has nothing to do with your capability and everything to do with their insecurity. It is very hard for parents to let go. Infuriating, but they are acting out of fear. The greatest gift you can give them is to create a life for yourself and thrive.

sooperdooper · 23/10/2017 16:30

Congratulations on the new job!

Personally I'd stop discussing it with your parents for now if they can't be supportive, you don't need their permission for anything :)

Accept the job
Find a house share & accept that too
Tell them what date you're moving out & go for it!

You can do it, and you'll be all the better for being out if their control, if you need specific help & support in the way pop on here - as you can see we're a friendly supportive bunch & we'll help if we can :)

mumtomaxwell · 23/10/2017 16:31

Run for the hills!!
If you can find a house share where bills are included that'll be a good introduction to independence.

Take the opportunity and don't look back!

SavageBeauty73 · 23/10/2017 16:31

I started reading this and thought you were 16! Please take everyone's advice and move out and live YOUR life. Use this thread as support. We can all help you.

Mummyoflittledragon · 23/10/2017 16:32

Oh my goodness. Leave. Now. They are suffocating you. Good luck with your new job!

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