Or is my mum over what to do with my bracelet?

[CherryChasingDotMuncher]

When I was 13 (20 years ago) my nan bought me a solid yellow gold bracelet for Christmas. It’s like a chunky curb style, and my mum wouldn’t let me wear it because she was afraid I’d lose it. She said I could have it when I turned 18.

I’ll be honest it’s not my style and never has been, I prefer minimal jewellery, usually delicate white gold pieces. Mum has worn herself pretty much every time I’ve seen her, it’s very much her style. So I’ve never asked for it back, but I also haven’t said my Mum can keep it either. She lives abroad now anyway so it’s not just like I can pop over for it.

My nan died 4 years ago, and I’ve been thinking of selling the bracelet to a jewellers and getting a charm for my charm bracelet with my nan’s favourite stone (every charm I have signifies something or someone to me). I figured this is better than never wearing a bracelet because I don’t really like it.

Mum is visiting soon and I rang this morning to ask her if she could bring my bracelet back with her. When she pressed further (she knows I’m not keen on the style) I told her my plan of getting a charm instead.

Mum is very sentimental about keepsakes and is upset, says I should either wear it or not wear it, but not sell it. She’s not willing to bring it over. I’d almost understand if she was upset on behalf of my nan, but she didn’t like my nan (her mother) and told me when she died that she was pleased (whole other story). I also wonder if she really wants to keep my bracelet for herself, she always wears it and I’ve said a few times “isn’t that my bracelet?” and she says if I’m not wearing it she may as well. TBF she’s kept it in a great condition, but it doesn’t change the fact that it’s not hers to wear.

WIBU? Am I right in thinking it’s not her call what I do with my jewellery?

I'm raging on your behalf OP, people who say "oh I gave it back to you" when they blatantly didn't are grade a cf's.

Is your mum hard up, could she have sold it? I'd just cut your losses and cut her out of your life.

troodie

I’m aware what I’m about to say makes me look like the world’s biggest mug as I should have seen this coming, but she has sold jewellery that isn’t hers before when she was hard up. It was a bracelet of her husband’s, she briefly left him (but went back, they’re still together) and used it for a bit of money to start a new life. He thinks he lost it, she never told him the truth.

She lives abroad so sadly no one can go round and look. I’m furious. I guess I have to cut my losses on this one. She has replied to say she’ll look for it elsewhere

I would press on the home insurance. This wasn't a piddly little trinket.

She wants to play 'it's lost', she can pay for it via her insurance. Just keep saying you want to replace it with something of like value for your charm bracelet to remind you of her.

Home insurance covers outside the home too in most cases in case she claims she lost it while out. Though I'd remind her as it wasn't strictly her bracelet she shouldn't have been wearing it out - hardly keeping it safe for you was she

How horrendous. i would struggle to stay in touch with her

Agree with asking her to claim on her insurance, as she's 'lost' it.

And I'd be pointing out the irony of her banning you from having it all these years in case you lost it.

Asking if she has already returned it to you is the thing that most gives this away as a lie. No one returns an expensive bracelet and just forgets that they have done so! She either has it and doesn't want to give it back or she has sold it.

I think I'd find it impossible to go back from this because whichever option it is - keeping it or selling it, she has stolen from you.
She sure as hell hasn't genuinely lost it. Sorry Cherry

I’d have let her have it years ago and forgotten all about it, she likes it, you don’t. But a charm in your grandmothers memory, forget about the bracelet, you sound ridiculous for even still considering it yours to be honest. Not everything in life has to be a fight. Why sell something she likes and upset her for no reason

Well depending on the carat & weight, you're possibly talking about a 4 figure sum here that some posters are suggesting you "forget about". Don't know about them, but I certainly wouldn't forget about someone owing me something of that value just because they like it more than me!

Tell her she needs to claim on her house insurance as if it cost £400 20 years ago you want the money to buy something to remember your nan by.

Seriously tell your Grandad

I’ve gone slightly mad I’m looking through FB photos to see when she last wore it. To what end, I don’t know.

Oh Cherry

This whole thing is so sad. I mean it would be a cheeky fucker thread if it wasn't for the fact this is your own mother.

How are you feeling? Do you think this is something you can move on from

ffs pp read the thread

it wasnt hr nans it wasnt an heirloom its was a present that the op has never had!

good idea about saying she should claim on insurance

aaaaargh TBH I’m quite fucking angry. I’m trying to quell it though, I get angry too often about my mother. I’ve tried hard to build something good from the shitshow that is our relationship, and I just feel emotionally exhausted when she constantly cuts me off at the knees. I’ve overlooked more than the average person would, I’m not sure she realises this.

My DH is a good support and he thinks that actually my mum just isn’t especially bothered about having a relationship, because if she was she wouldn’t behave like this. He’s offered to get me a charm on behalf of my nan but TBH it’s not the point really (though very generous of him).

Oh Cherry You know sometimes I think anger is a good thing. I don't think it helps bottling it up

It sounds like this situation is almost the straw that breaks the camels back. It makes me so sad to hear how exhausted you are trying to have a relationship with you mum. It shouldn't be that way.

Your DH sounds lovely. How sweet of him to offer to get a charm to remind you of your nan. Im glad you've got his support

I think your DH is right. Your mother doesn’t seem to want to make much effort in a relationship with you. Have you asked yourself if a relationship with her is worth all the anguish you go through?

Some will disagree with me on this ( many MNers think that maternal loves dies when your kids turn 18) but, as a mother, no matter how old my DCs are, they will always come first. I’m in my 40s and my mother is the same.

Going NC is easier said than done (I have experience of this with my father) but I honestly think it’s something to, at least, consider here. Especially as you have alluded to a very difficult childhood due to her behaviour.

Time to be firm.

Tell her it needs to be claimed on the house insurance. Keep your messages as short as possible and to the point.

She is manipulative and sneaky!!!

Let her keep it. Save the hassle tor something you feel strongly about.

Oh sorry just read she’s “lost” it!!

Honestly it's such a small thing I would not argue with your mum about it. If you don't like and she does then let her keep it. Should she give it back to you - yes, is it worth falling out over - no.
Another side to it would be that it means something to your mum as her mother bought it. She may not have liked her mum but her true feelings are likely to be complex and hidden and this small token actually means a lot to her. She would never tell you though.

'such a shame that you've lost it. No matter, I found a similar one which costs X, so found a charm around that value which reminds me of Nan . Not sure if you've already claimed for house insurance or if you just want to order it to be delivered? '

I think it's a nice idea and it's yours to do with as you please.

For a 'big' birthday my Mother paid for a piece of my Grandmothers jewellery and a piece of hers I'd been given to be made into some I would actually want to wear. I wear it every day now instead of them sitting in a drawer doing nothing.

The more you post about your mum, the more I think she took steps to appropriate the bracelet. I think you should follow this up.

Those of you saying op should just let this go, at what point would you draw the line? This is an expensive bracelet, would you let a car go? A house? No, so why should op give up on the bracelet.

Your anger isn't so much about the actual bracelet, it's about the fact that your mother is a crap mother and she's showing her disrespect for you yet again.
I think the anger is actually healthy. I'm not sure accepting all this crap in the pursuit of any old relationship is healthy. I think dh is right. Perhaps it is time to get some counseling to help you decide how to limit the impact she has on you and to help repair the damage this dysfunctional relationship has had on you.

Perhaps post on the relationships board for help regarding your toxic mother. Can someone say whether the stately homes threads would be relevant?

Has she expressed her feelings about the ‘its lost’ situation? Is she trying to manipulate you show how gutted she would be if she didn’t have it anymore (and how, if you were to take it back, you’d be ‘responsible for her feeling shit’ about it - which you’re not, btw).
If it meant so much to her, surely she would’ve taken better care of it or at least remembered if she had given it back to you
If you ask for the insurance money you could look ‘heartless’ and ‘uncaring’ of how much your DM values it’s sentimentality etc.
I call fib on this situation. Tread carefully.

You say you’re trying to build bridges with her - remember that they’ve got to meet in the middle to work - a bridge built from one side is not going to work